Puns

[SirConradPeckereye]

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve"

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

People in Athens rarely get up before sunrise. Dawn is tough on Greece.

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

Anyone looking to buy a Delorean? Good shape, good mileage. Only driven from time to time

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

I think my wife is putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

 

[Condor4]

When I was younger I suffered from zelatiniphobia (the fear or jelly). I'm older now and a lot better, but I do have the odd "wobble"now and again.

 

[Condor4]

I was once a Marshall at the national yodelling championships in Sweden and thousands turned up to register. I had great fun asking them to wait patiently and form an "audely audely queue oooo"

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.” “Thanks Dad,” the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and goes, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” “Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

What happened when the ten-year-old cannibal spilled his soup? His mother gave him an earful.

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?” No sun.

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

I bought Spotify premium for an uninterrupted music experience. But I still hear my wife’s bickering between songs.

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

At the counter of my favorite Indian restaurant, I asked the proprietor if they made their own bread. They replied that it was Naan of their business.

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

 

[SirConradPeckereye]