Sex with Acquaintances

[ownedsubgal]

ETA: It's nice to see the whole "monogamy = ZOMG deep connection / non-monogamy = you'll never experience the awesomeness" thing is still alive and well, though.

cool, huh? lol

 

[ownedsubgal]

I'm a big germaphobe, so I gotta dedicate myself to hardcore fluid-bond in order for me to even think about it. That's mostly why I fantasize about fictitious people and not people that I know IRL.

weird, i'm a serious germaphobe in all things except sex. have no idea why sex is excluded, it just is. this means that i can lick a strange man's bumhole without hesitation, but wouldn't dare drink from the same glass as that same man. actually i hesitate even drinking from the same glass as my own Master. just one of those weird OCD-ish quirks.

 

[intothewoods]

I don't think it's that surprising or offensive that a monogamous person would think that a monogamous relationship equals a deeper connection. Otherwise she'd be open to an open relationship. Of course it's not a universal truth. There are plenty of people here to attest to that.

 

[VelvetSin]

no, they certainly do not. but your original statement was in response to a question i posed asking what would be gained, what would be the purpose in my being sexually monogamous. not for anyone else, just me, with my nature, personality, etc. your response was, "A much deeper connection and knowledge of that one partner." and i had to make it clear to you that no, that is not the case, not even close to it, that in fact the very idea is laughable. because i was speaking of myself specifically, not of the general population.

Not at all. I'll apologize if that's how it read, but that wasn't the intention. I responded in a general sense (which is why I just quoted the question out of everything else written). It is what I, from my perspective and experience, gain from that kind of relationship. It's exciting (to me) to focus all my energy on pleasing one person. If that's not the case for you, it sounds like you've found a style that does work which is more than many people can say.

I don't think it's that surprising or offensive that a monogamous person would think that a monogamous relationship equals a deeper connection. Otherwise she'd be open to an open relationship. Of course it's not a universal truth. There are plenty of people here to attest to that.

This. Exactly. To each their own, as they say.

 

[eastern sun]

I'm the complete opposite.

What is the opposite? Not liking casual sex? Or not wanting to make relationships out of it?

 

[Kikori]

Uhm, I hate to mention it but everyone here had sex with someone they are "not so close with" - it's not like we live with someone 5 years together and then decide it's time to have sex. I would say sex happens within 4 weeks in real life relationships and that's really not hat much time to get "close" with someone - but hormones don't care that much about it.

Did you mean:"Fucking with random strangers." by chance?

I do believe, sir, you are wrong in your use of "everyone here".
Good fight, though.

 

[Homburg]

I'm not a fan.

Oddly enough, I'm not monogamous either. I just don't care for the idea of sex with casual acquaintances. It has taken me some thought to figure out why, and I consider myself better for it.

The core issue is a performance one. I like to have good, solid, sex the way I bloody well want, but also really get off on pleasing my partner. It's a skill/ego thing more than a desire to please, but I still want my partner having a damned good time. To be frank, I can't do that the way I like to do it without knowing how that person ticks. I am not going to know how a casual acquaintance thinks, what their motivations are, their buttons, etc. At that point, I'm not going to be able to ride the proverbial pony in the manner I enjoy.

On top of that, a casual acquaintance is less likely to be cool with the sort of things that I like to do during sex. Sure, some are going to be willing, but it is still less likely as it often requires trust.

That's the core of it. Trust. The levels of trust that I prefer/enjoy are just not likely with someone that does not know me well.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

What is the opposite? Not liking casual sex? Or not wanting to make relationships out of it?

Not wanting to make relationships out of it. If I can, I'll run the other way. It's the one thing Mr and I butt heads on. He'd rather find a nice someone for something casual and ongoing. I prefer the randoms.

 

[richard_daily]

This position on sex is totally alien to me. PIV with two different people can be as different as apples and oranges, no question about it.

I want to have as many different experiences as possible, sexual and otherwise. And pleasure for pleasures sake is wonderful. Finding new, exciting, and unique connections with many different people is one of life's greatest pleasures. For me, anyway. I don't see this as being slutty, or as a "sowing my wild oats" thing that I'll grow out of as I mature, or whatever. This is just an enjoyment of people and of sex and of sensations and experiences and differences, and I don't think that's something that's going to go away. I don't see myself "settling down" if it means giving up all of the wonderful possible connections I could have.

And with proper safer-sex techniques, the possibility of STDs or pregnancy is small enough to not bother me too much. Hooray for my IUD and for condoms! Modern technology allows for so much more sexual freedom, it's wonderful. I can't imagine not taking advantage of it.

But of course, this is all coming from a non-monogamous individual, so my perspective is pretty fundamentally different, anyway.

I've generally been a serial monogamist, and I still agree with everything you're saying. It's the in-between time where I kind of go nuts and meet new people and have a good time... at least until I find someone who I want to spend some time with and really get to know. if I can't have satisfying sex with the, I certainly don't want to be in a relationship with them. And beyond that, if (heterosexual) sex is just about inserting a penis into a vagina we wouldn't have a human race, because that sounds boring as fuck.

Even within my relations in a serious relationship, there is experimentation, fantasy fulfillment, communication, and downright kinky sex... To debase the enjoyment of sex doesn't make sense to me, but I guess to each their own.

 

[richard_daily]

On top of that, a casual acquaintance is less likely to be cool with the sort of things that I like to do during sex. Sure, some are going to be willing, but it is still less likely as it often requires trust.

I don't find that to be true... If I'm doing something "casual" I make it very clear upfront what it is that I want... If someone isn't interested, there will be another bus along in 5 minutes...

Some of the kinkiest shit I've ever done has been with complete random acquaintances or strangers.

 

[YourCaptor]

And with proper safer-sex techniques, the possibility of STDs or pregnancy is small enough to not bother me too much. Hooray for my IUD and for condoms! Modern technology allows for so much more sexual freedom, it's wonderful. I can't imagine not taking advantage of it.

I thought IUDs are only for women who have been pregnant?

----------

I did some math using numbers found on Wikipedia

1 in 7,000 typical sexual encounters using combined methods of condoms and birth control pills will result in a pregnancy.

I looked up other odds to get some perspective

The odds are 1 out of 7,143 (.014%) that you have a brain tumor. - North County Times, 4/8/07.

The odds are 1 out of 6944 (.0144%) that simultaneous condom and pill use will result in a pregnancy. – YC & wiki

The odds are 1 out of 6,703 (.014919%) that you will die in a motor-vehicle accident this year. - Time Magazine, 12/4/06

The odds are 1 out of 5,552 (.02%) that you will die in a plane crash. - The Week Magazine, 8/8/08

The odds are 1 out of 4,800 (.021%) that if you're a pregnant American woman, you will die in childbirth. - Time Magazine, 10/29/07

The odds are 1 out of 3,000 (.03333%) that you will die having an adverse reaction to a prescription drug. - San Diego Union, 5/15/07

The odds are 1 out of 1,743 (.0573%) that you will die in an accident this year. - Discover Magazine, 11/07

---------

So we are about as likely to die in a car accident as we are to have the pill and condoms fail. Considering I drive to do trivial things such as, get my car washed, sex with some not so scrupulous girl seems like a better way to pass the time.

Yet I'm think I'd be as comfortable with that social situation as I would be with playing catcher. Not for me, but then their are plenty of bitches in the world.

 

[YourCaptor]

why on earth would i restrict myself to pleasing only one??

Cause he says so.

 

[YourCaptor]

I can definitely be all 'it's just sex' because I *can* separate out the intimacy. So, I can fuck some random, and Mr can fuck some random, but I draw the line at kissing them. To me, *that's* the gross part.

To me, kissing is far more intimate, and that intimacy I won't share.

I consider sex to be a sort of extension of kissing.

This is one of the things that baffles me about sex with people you don't really know. Say you get down to it, isn't kissing just part of it, how do you have sex without it?

Afterward, what do you say to them, "um, so... I'm not so great with names, what was yours again."

I'd imagine it be really weird having had sex with someone and then still needing to search for a common topic of conversation to break ice.

 

[Homburg]

Some of the kinkiest shit I've ever done has been with complete random acquaintances or strangers.

Well, the unspoken caveat here is that _I_ am far less likely to do the shit I like to do with someone that I do not trust. To be frank, that is probably more important than what they want, and I was remiss for not saying it. I have had strangers come up to me and offer to do all sorts of things, and I've said no. I won't do many of the activities that I enjoy unless I really trust the bottom.

If anything, my trust level is more important than theirs assuming we are talking about edgeplay.

 

[graceanne]

I do believe, sir, you are wrong in your use of "everyone here".
Good fight, though.

Yeah, that was my issue with his post.

I don't understand why some people are okay with casual sex, but then I also don't understand the attraction to breasts. It takes all kinds. I, personally, won't. It just squicks me, the idea of ME having sex with a stranger/acquaintance. I don't care if other people do, just like I don't care that some people find breasts attractive.

 

[graceanne]

I won't do many of the activities that I enjoy unless I really trust the bottom.

Very wise. It's not often brought up, but in the world we live in it's as important for the pyl to be trustworthy as the PYL.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I consider sex to be a sort of extension of kissing.

This is one of the things that baffles me about sex with people you don't really know. Say you get down to it, isn't kissing just part of it, how do you have sex without it?

Afterward, what do you say to them, "um, so... I'm not so great with names, what was yours again."

I'd imagine it be really weird having had sex with someone and then still needing to search for a common topic of conversation to break ice.

It's quite easy to have sex without kissing.

And I can engage in conversation without bothering with names. But it's only superficial conversation anyways. And given that these sorts of experiences tend to only happen at parties and clubs, there's always a common topic to 'break the ice' over a drink, and then everyone moves on.

 

[DVS]

I don't find that to be true... If I'm doing something "casual" I make it very clear upfront what it is that I want... If someone isn't interested, there will be another bus along in 5 minutes...

Some of the kinkiest shit I've ever done has been with complete random acquaintances or strangers.

As you get older, those buses don't come around as often, and when they do, they are slower and the driver is more opinionated about deviating from the intended route.

As for the kinky sex, I've done some pretty kinky stuff, but it was mostly with people I had at least known for a couple of weeks. Not that I wouldn't do kinky things with strangers, but I've found that strangers don't trust as well as someone I know. I understand that, because there are so many murderers out there just waiting for their next victim. I guess I tend to look like a murderer waiting for his next victim. Victim, yes... but that's where I draw the line. And how do you explain that to a stranger?

 

[DVS]

This isn't about friends with benefits though.

You're going to have to explain that. I've had sex with coworkers at lunch, threesomes with two women and it was all just sex among coworkers. I never went to their houses for dinner, never met their families and never had sex with them any other time other than at lunch. Isn't that friends with benefits? Or do you prefer coworkers with benefits? Or do you only allow acquaintances with benefits in your examples?

You know, some people will call friends acquaintances or call acquaintances friends. It's all relative. No, I've never had sex with a relative.

 

[NomadLady]

You're going to have to explain that. I've had sex with coworkers at lunch, threesomes with two women and it was all just sex among coworkers. I never went to their houses for dinner, never met their families and never had sex with them any other time other than at lunch. Isn't that friends with benefits? Or do you prefer coworkers with benefits? Or do you only allow acquaintances with benefits in your examples?

You know, some people will call friends acquaintances or call acquaintances friends. It's all relative. No, I've never had sex with a relative.

Thanks for clarifying this one DVS...I'm beginning to wonder what is an acquaintance and what is a friend Maybe after we acutally HAVE sex they are a friend...and no longer an acquaintance??????

Whether it is a random encounter with someone new or someone who is more of a "friend with benefits" it is still all about getting your needs met and helping someone else meet theirs....

 

[satindesire]

I think that having sex with someone does not automatically make them your friend. I've seen plenty of people who are quite easily capable of having sex with people they're not even really all that attracted to, or people they don't particularly even LIKE, just to have sex. And some people who will have sex with anyone for no rational reason because they're just like that.

FWB means, to most people I assume, that you were on friendly terms with that person. You knew things about them beyond just "I know him from xyz", like middle names, pets, you've been to their house, etc. You've actually spent TIME with that person and like them.

An acquaintance is someone you just know of, in my universe, but don't spend time with or really know anything about.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Cause he says so.

haha. fortunately at this moment in time he does not say so, but if he did he understands me well enough to know that he would have to take great pains in order to make that actually possible. a direct order from my Master to not suck or be fucked by anyone else is something i'm not capable of obeying when the someone else is in my face demanding it from me. been there, done that, got the blood-stained t-shirt.

 

[ownedsubgal]

It's quite easy to have sex without kissing.

And I can engage in conversation without bothering with names. But it's only superficial conversation anyways. And given that these sorts of experiences tend to only happen at parties and clubs, there's always a common topic to 'break the ice' over a drink, and then everyone moves on.

i agree it's extremely easy to have sex without kissing...i actually find kissing to be an unnatural part of sex the vast majority of the time, but then i am just not big on kissing period.

as far as breaking the ice, sex with a stranger can be a good ice breaker in itself. all the tension is gone, the air is cleared and you can just be two normal people without all the phony meaningless banter you might otherwise have with someone you barely know.

 

[VelvetSin]

I looked up other odds to get some perspective

The odds are 1 out of 6944 (.0144%) that simultaneous condom and pill use will result in a pregnancy. – YC & wiki

The odds are 1 out of 6,703 (.014919%) that you will die in a motor-vehicle accident this year. - Time Magazine, 12/4/06

The odds are 1 out of 5,552 (.02%) that you will die in a plane crash. - The Week Magazine, 8/8/08

In modern society, it's nearly impossible to function without driving around or occasionally taking a flight, but life can proceed just fine if I wait until I know where parts have been and I can trust the owner of those parts to be responsible as well as fun and skillful in whatever we might wish to do. It does all boil down to what ownedsubgal said earlier about choosing the risks one is comfortable with though. I'll take risks with what I must to function in the world, but it doesn't hinder my way of life to wait until a relationship is established to go there. Add in that, personally, the act is more fun and exciting with someone where trust and the rest is there, it becomes an easy personal choice. To each their own, though. It obviously works just fine for others.

It sounds like it works great so long as both partners are definitely aware and comfortable that it'll just be sex and nothing more, but I think promiscuity ultimately gets a bad rap when people that are prone to developing emotional connection from it try to make themselves casual despite the way they're wired. For that friend, I just wish she'd stop doing it OR drop the clingy crap with someone that just wanted some physical fun. Be casual or don't, but don't act the part then throw a hissy fit when someone doesn't return feelings when that wasn't part of the original deal. I'll leave her story alone with the comment that she's asked B and me to fix her up with friends of ours, but that isn't going to happen. While she's a great friend to me, she has relationship issues.

 

[CutieMouse]

Well, um, no. Penis goes in mouth, penis goes in vagina, penis goes in rectum. When you're hetero, no matter if you're fucking 1 person or fucking 1000, it's essentially still fucking, no 'new' stuff happening there. *shrugs* Even if you're pansexual like myself, sex only has so many permutations before the lightbulb goes off that you're still doing the same thing over and over again. What are you learning? What curiosity are you sating? Once you become monogamous and 'settle down', you're still going to have that same curiosity, what's the point of being slutty in your youth and risking STDs and pregnancy with someone you may not even know OR LIKE when it makes no difference.

I don't even know where to begin with this...