Sex with Acquaintances

[CutieMouse]

I'm not a fan.

Oddly enough, I'm not monogamous either. I just don't care for the idea of sex with casual acquaintances. It has taken me some thought to figure out why, and I consider myself better for it.

The core issue is a performance one. I like to have good, solid, sex the way I bloody well want, but also really get off on pleasing my partner. It's a skill/ego thing more than a desire to please, but I still want my partner having a damned good time. To be frank, I can't do that the way I like to do it without knowing how that person ticks. I am not going to know how a casual acquaintance thinks, what their motivations are, their buttons, etc. At that point, I'm not going to be able to ride the proverbial pony in the manner I enjoy.

This is a lot of it for me, too. I had a very rare moment if acquaintence sex last week, and while it was decent enough sex (and I was happy to have it), I was reminded why I do it so very rarely... He didn't know *me* well enough to turn off my brain. Which means I spent 90% of our time fucking, mentally critiquing, analyzing, evaluating, assessing. Which takes a bit of the fun put of it. lol

 

[FurryFury]

Personally, I don't think it should be considered "slutty" to have sex whenever and with whomever you like. I'd call that having freedom, socially and emotionally. Sadly when a guy does it it's okay, even laughed about in an admiring way. When a girl does it, some still consider it slutty. That's sad to me.

 

[satindesire]

I consider it slutty when a man does it too. Not that you should care what my opinion is, though. (ETA: Since people don't seem to understand my sense of humor, the smilie face was supposed to intone that this was a joke ^_^ Sorry for not being 100% clear!)

I don't even know where to begin with this...

Then don't bother.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Personally, I don't think it should be considered "slutty" to have sex whenever and with whomever you like. I'd call that having freedom, socially and emotionally. Sadly when a guy does it it's okay, even laughed about in an admiring way. When a girl does it, some still consider it slutty. That's sad to me.

i wish we could get rid of the value connotations attached to the word "slut." that it would no longer be considered bad or good, just a word to describe people with certain characteristics. we give words far too much power, imo...keeping it all literal and clinical could go a long way in remedying that.

btw, i have never thought of someone who has sex whenever and with whomever they pleased as a slut. promiscuous yes, but that's just one component of being a slut. the choice and freedom implicit in establishing your sex life on your own terms goes against what i typically think of as slutty.

 

[Keroin]

I don't even know where to begin with this...

Then don't bother.

Yikes. Claws in, Satin.




I'm happy I sowed those wild oats. Good times. If I was a slut, I was a slut who had a very interesting and enjoyable life. *shrugs*

 

[satindesire]

I'm sure all the people here who don't have casual sex will say with utmost conviction that their lives are interesting and enjoyable as well. They will probably also say that they're not shut in, lonely, isolated or bored.

Personally, the fact that some people can have casual sex and not think anything of it is no better and no worse than people who cannot. I think it's rather odd that people who do/can have casual sex seem to assume their lives are more interesting and varied than people who cannot because of it.

Yikes. Claws in, Satin.

Sorry. Guess I'm getting a little sharp and resentful for being snobbed here. I really should extend my break, it's just not worth the emotional toxicity anymore.

 

[Keroin]

I'm sure all the people here who don't have casual sex will say with utmost conviction that their lives are interesting and enjoyable as well. They will probably also say that they're not shut in, lonely, isolated or bored.

Personally, the fact that some people can have casual sex and not think anything of it is no better and no worse than people who cannot. I think it's rather odd that people who do/can have casual sex seem to assume their lives are more interesting and varied because of it.



Sorry. Guess I'm getting a little sharp and resentful for being treated with such disdain.

I did not state my life was "more" interesting or "more" enjoyable than the lives of people who do or have not engaged in casual sex. Please reread what I wrote.

You have labeled me as a slut and you complain of being treated with disdain by others.

 

[satindesire]

I did not state my life was "more" interesting or "more" enjoyable than the lives of people who do or have not engaged in casual sex. Please reread what I wrote.

You have labeled me as a slut and you complain of being treated with disdain by others.

No, I labeled myself as a slut if I did those things. Read what I wrote. Don't put words in my mouth. I don't go around calling people names, and I never called you a slut.

I believe that people are happiest when they're able to do the things they want to do, sexually, artistically, emotionally, whatever. I would NEVER disparge ANOTHER PERSON for their own freedoms. Being 'slutty' isn't a bad thing in itself, it's not a disparaging term the way I view the word 'slut'.

I'm sorry I wasn't more clear about MY own personal definition of "slutty', and if I hurt your feelings I -sincerely- apologize.

However, I won't be talked down to anymore by anyone, I'm tired of coming here and feeling like the newfag that people gang up on. This is exactly the reason why I don't belong here anymore. Lit's folks don't give a shit anymore, so why the fuck should I stay here when no one can be nice to anyone anymore?

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm sure all the people here who don't have casual sex will say with utmost conviction that their lives are interesting and enjoyable as well. They will probably also say that they're not shut in, lonely, isolated or bored.

Personally, the fact that some people can have casual sex and not think anything of it is no better and no worse than people who cannot. I think it's rather odd that people who do/can have casual sex seem to assume their lives are more interesting and varied because of it.

I don't believe people who have casual sex have more interesting lives.

I do believe that it's obtuse and simplistic as hell to assume that all sex is the same, and a change of partner changes nothing. I married the first man I had sex with. He was the second I'd ever even kissed. 12 years of really bad 22 minutes at a time sex later (that I thought was the best stuff on earth because I didn't know any better)... it's not all the same. It's never all the same.

The problem I had with your initial post, was A) the holier-than-thou attitude [referring to people who explore sexually as "slutting it up"] and B) the thought "how jaded... she must have had some really shitty lovers to think it all boils down to in/out in/out."

 

[graceanne]

Personally, I don't think it should be considered "slutty" to have sex whenever and with whomever you like. I'd call that having freedom, socially and emotionally. Sadly when a guy does it it's okay, even laughed about in an admiring way. When a girl does it, some still consider it slutty. That's sad to me.

I don't consider it slutty, it's just not for me.


Satin, are you okay? I haven't seen anyone talking down to you in any threads, is there one I should check out? *hugs*

 

[satindesire]

I don't believe people who have casual sex have more interesting lives.

I do believe that it's obtuse and simplistic as hell to assume that all sex is the same, and a change of partner changes nothing. I married the first man I had sex with. He was the second I'd ever even kissed. 12 years of really bad 22 minutes at a time sex later (that I thought was the best stuff on earth because I didn't know any better)... it's not all the same. It's never all the same.

The problem I had with your initial post, was A) the holier-than-thou attitude [referring to people who explore sexually as "slutting it up"] and B) the thought "how jaded... she must have had some really shitty lovers to think it all boils down to in/out in/out."

Yeah, well, you could have come and talked to me about it, couldn't've you? You didn't. You may view my opinion as obtuse and simplistic, and I may view yours as self righteous and arrogant. See? We all have opinions.

Since I seem to be pissing on everyone's cheerio's today, I apologize for seeming holier-than-thou but as far as I knew, I wasn't critisizing you or YOUR choices, and me and my choices and my opinion (which wasn't meant in an offensive to YOU since I never targeted anyone....in the least) shouldn't have bearing on your life or your choices at all. Some people take offense to the word "bitch", some to the word "chick" or "dude", and some to the word "slut". If you take offense to it, I'm can't say that I'm sorry that I don't view it as a bad word the way you do.

I don't consider it slutty, it's just not for me.


Satin, are you okay? I haven't seen anyone talking down to you in any threads, is there one I should check out? *hugs*

I appreciate the thought a LOT, but it's unnecessary. Thank you.

 

[Keroin]

...what's the point of being slutty in your youth.

This is what you said. I assume that having multiple casual partners in my youth makes me "slutty". Correct?

No, I labeled myself as a slut if I did those things. Read what I wrote. Don't put words in my mouth. I don't go around calling people names, and I never called you a slut.

I believe that people are happiest when they're able to do the things they want to do, sexually, artistically, emotionally, whatever. I would NEVER disparge ANOTHER PERSON for their own freedoms. Being 'slutty' isn't a bad thing in itself, it's not a disparaging term the way I view the word 'slut'.

I'm sorry I wasn't more clear about MY own personal definition of "slutty', and if I hurt your feelings I -sincerely- apologize.

However, I won't be talked down to anymore by anyone, I'm tired of coming here and feeling like the newfag that people gang up on. This is exactly the reason why I don't belong here anymore. Lit's folks don't give a shit anymore, so why the fuck should I stay here when no one can be nice to anyone anymore?

You didn't hurt my feelings. No need for apologies. I'm not talking down to you, I am discussing what you have written. And I am often nice to you and others on Lit. When I disagree with something someone says, then I say so.

I don't believe people who have casual sex have more interesting lives.

I do believe that it's obtuse and simplistic as hell to assume that all sex is the same, and a change of partner changes nothing. I married the first man I had sex with. He was the second I'd ever even kissed. 12 years of really bad 22 minutes at a time sex later (that I thought was the best stuff on earth because I didn't know any better)... it's not all the same. It's never all the same.

The problem I had with your initial post, was A) the holier-than-thou attitude [referring to people who explore sexually as "slutting it up"] and B) the thought "how jaded... she must have had some really shitty lovers to think it all boils down to in/out in/out."

This.

 

[satindesire]

This is what you said. I assume that having multiple casual partners in my youth makes me "slutty". Correct? You didn't hurt my feelings. No need for apologies. I'm not talking down to you, I am discussing what you have written. And I am often nice to you and others on Lit. When I disagree with something someone says, then I say so.

That's fine. Just forget I said anything. Sorry for...I don't know, just sorry.

 

[FurryFury]

My post wasn't a swipe at you. It was just a thought I had and wanted to share.

Personally, I don't like the word slut at all. I've mentioned that before. I think it's interesting how most people see it differently if it's guy behavior than girl behavior.

Personally, I think we should all be more free. I have to admit I'm NOT free like this. I do encourage my kids to be free but my son seems to think love and sex should be linked. That's a romantic notion that I'm not sure will serve him well.

My girl seems much more experimental. I think that will likely be better for her overall.

I have hang ups that prevent me from having sex with everyone and every time I'd like to do so. I wish I didn't. It doesn't mean I'm a better person at all to my way of thinking. It means I'm more repressed.

I think there should be a positive word for someone who isn't repressed that way, male or female.

None of this however, is to point a finger at you or disparage you. I think you are a great member of this group. I'm sorry you are feeling attacked.

*HUG*

I consider it slutty when a man does it too. Not that you should care what my opinion is, though. (ETA: Since people don't seem to understand my sense of humor, the smilie face was supposed to intone that this was a joke ^_^ Sorry for not being 100% clear!)



Then don't bother.

 

[ownedsubgal]

I think we've been in enough conversations about our own thought processes about life in general to know that we're never going to agree about much of anything, by now, don't you think?

it's really funny ("funny" sad and weird, not haha "funny") that you actually feel as if people are being mean to you, when the above snide and dismissive comment is about the most pleasant thing you've directed to me in ages.

and btw, the point in these discussion is not agreement but understanding.

 

[Netzach]

I've done it a lot in the past, mostly because my complete inability to say no to people gets me in some tight places sometimes. But the older and more curmudgeonly I get, the less I want random people even in the same room with me, much less fucking me. It's got nothing to with monogamy or the feeling that sex in and of itself is some kind of intimate expression. I'm just really picky about who I like well enough to let them in my personal space nowadays, sex or no sex.

ETA: It's nice to see the whole "monogamy = ZOMG deep connection / non-monogamy = you'll never experience the awesomeness" thing is still alive and well, though.

Reprazent.

I don't mind fucking people I'm not romantically attached to, I just find that the potential dramas arising from not being on the same page (this is fun and fun is good) is more annoying than a good solid work day is or masturbation or fucking the people I've established ties with already.

And the idea that you can't get depth of exploration in an open relationship is horseshit. I've been in a closed monogamous one I've been in an open one that I consider serious multi-year partnerships - there's really no difference. I'm happier in the latter, I had more in common non sexually with the former, they were both "deep" that's the big diff.

 

[Netzach]

Oh please, are we still playing the game where someone lobs shitballs and then demurs that they're not actually lobbing them AT you just NEAR you you big meanie?

 

[satindesire]

it's really funny ("funny" sad and weird, not haha "funny") that you actually feel as if people are being mean to you, when the above snide and dismissive comment is about the most pleasant thing you've directed to me in ages.

and btw, the point in these discussion is not agreement but understanding.

I'm not looking for agreement. We don't understand each other's points of view, we're just too different. I have never understood you and the way you look at things and I don't know if you feel the same way about me but to me, your universe is as foreign as an alien from outer space. I wasn't trying to be snide or dismissive, and again, let me apologize for seeming so and hurting your feelings because I truly didn't mean to. My blunt way of speaking always comes back to bite me in the ass. I'm not a mean person.

Oh please, are we still playing the game where someone lobs shitballs and then demurs that they're not actually lobbing them AT you just NEAR you you big meanie?

Is this the very definition of irony or what, Netz? I wasn't lobbing shitballs, if you don't understand then ask, don't assume. I think since I've managed to piss off the whole forum today we should just call the whole thing a loss, eh? I'm sorry for seeming like such a bitch. Didn't mean to. Really.

 

[ownedsubgal]

I'm not looking for agreement. We don't understand each other's points of view, we're just too different. I have never understood you and the way you look at things and I don't know if you feel the same way about me but to me, your universe is as foreign as an alien from outer space. I wasn't trying to be snide or dismissive, and again, let me apologize for seeming so and hurting your feelings because I truly didn't mean to. My blunt way of speaking always comes back to bite me in the ass. I'm not a mean person.

oh i understand your way of thinking. it makes no sense to me in any logical or even emotional way, but i understand it the way i understand that some people believe in heaven and hell. i understand how such a belief can be brought about, and how it may benefit or enrich someone's life to hold such beliefs...while at the same time finding those beliefs completely strange and illogical.

oh and you have not hurt my feelings in the least. the fact that you actually believed you did is quite arrogant, but that is the normal vibe i get from most of your posts. *shrug* i also realize it is not intentional and cannot be helped.

funny though, as very very different as you and your worldview are from my own, i still relate to you as a human being, not an alien from space. but that comment of yours does make me feel kinda special, so thanks.

 

[intothewoods]

I just do not view sex in private between consenting adults to be a moral issue. For me, it's just a question of what I would get out of it versus consideration of risk. Quite frankly, the latter is the reason I mostly avoided certain kinds of riskier sex (PIV intercourse, for example) when I was single, although I don't view sex with safer sex practices to be a super-risky behavior or anything.

For whatever reason, my sexuality has not been a fixed thing. Over the years, my sex drive has changed, my fantasies have changed, who I'm attracted to has changed. So it's impossible for me to think that the way I view sex now is the way I will always view it.

 

[satindesire]

oh i understand your way of thinking. it makes no sense to me in any logical or even emotional way, but i understand it the way i understand that some people believe in heaven and hell. i understand how such a belief can be brought about, and how it may benefit or enrich someone's life to hold such beliefs...while at the same time finding those beliefs completely strange and illogical.

oh and you have not hurt my feelings in the least. the fact that you actually believed you did is quite arrogant, but that is the normal vibe i get from most of your posts. *shrug* i also realize it is not intentional and cannot be helped.

funny though, as very very different as you and your worldview are from my own, i still relate to you as a human being, not an alien from space. but that comment of yours does make me feel kinda special, so thanks.

Wow. That was...really mean. But...okay.

 

[infinity706]

I'm not looking for agreement. We don't understand each other's points of view, we're just too different. I have never understood you and the way you look at things and I don't know if you feel the same way about me but to me, your universe is as foreign as an alien from outer space. I wasn't trying to be snide or dismissive, and again, let me apologize for seeming so and hurting your feelings because I truly didn't mean to. My blunt way of speaking always comes back to bite me in the ass. I'm not a mean person.



Is this the very definition of irony or what, Netz? I wasn't lobbing shitballs, if you don't understand then ask, don't assume. I think since I've managed to piss off the whole forum today we should just call the whole thing a loss, eh? I'm sorry for seeming like such a bitch. Didn't mean to. Really.

I don't think the bluntness is the problem. I think the one major issue you have is assuming the worst, constantly. It's seems like about 90% of the arguments you have are caused by the assumption that someone is pissed off at you when they're not really. (the other 10% is dumbassed trolls that are trying to pick a fight ) Since we lack nonverbal communication online, you really have to go by what people actually say, so it might help to go back and read over the offending post a couple times and try to think if maybe you're freaking out over a smartassed remark or something. Afterall, sarcasm is easy to miss in text format.

 

[satindesire]

I don't think the bluntness is the problem. I think the one major issue you have is assuming the worst, constantly. It's seems like about 90% of the arguments you have are caused by the assumption that someone is pissed off at you when they're not really. (the other 10% is dumbassed trolls that are trying to pick a fight ) Since we lack nonverbal communication online, you really have to go by what people actually say, so it might help to go back and read over the offending post a couple times and try to think if maybe you're freaking out over a smartassed remark or something. Afterall, sarcasm is easy to miss in text format.

Thanks fin. I've got it covered.

 

[00Syd]

I thought IUDs are only for women who have been pregnant?

Similar to the possibility of a condom failing, the possibility of a girl becoming infertile due to an IUD is so slight nowadays, that the past restriction of IUDs being only for women who have already been pregnant is nothing but old fashioned. Most OBGYN's don't have this restriction anymore, although of course there are always a few holdouts.

 

[FurryFury]

<<Humor>>

I'm not pissed off, nor pissed on.

Why not?

*whines*

<<Humor>>

FF