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Sexless Marriages

LMWM321 said:
Sexual orientation isn't a choice - whether you're straight, gay or bi.

So... "going gay" isn't really an option for heterosexually oriented people.
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That may be, not going to argue about it. But I'd love to see some numbers about guys who play with other guys just for a release, even if just buddies stroking but not touching each other, but if the situatuon changed (the couple gets back to a normal sex life, he leaves, etc) where he could be with women that the m-m interaction would come to a halt.
 
razor33a said:
That may be, not going to argue about it. But I'd love to see some numbers about guys who play with other guys just for a release, even if just buddies stroking but not touching each other, but if the situatuon changed (the couple gets back to a normal sex life, he leaves, etc) where he could be with women that the m-m interaction would come to a halt.
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Not that such strict definitions matter, but as I see it... If you get aroused during a "m-m" interaction, then you're at least a little bi-sexual. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. And it doesn't matter if your general preference is a female sex partner.

Sexual orientation is a continuum with Heterosexuality on one side and Homosexuality on the other. And we ALL fall somewhere on the continuum. And we don't chose where we fall - it's decided for us by factors that are not clearly understood. ..Probably a combination of genetics and environment.

But "Choice" isn't one of them.
 
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LadyWhiteWolf15 said:
It's frustrating and I can commiserate. I adore my husband of nearly 34 years. He's been dealing with some health issues and has lost interest in intimacy. Menopause about drove me crazy with the hormone and mood changes. Luckily, that's been sorted through, but because I am so sensitive to hormones, I suffer from dryness and tearing which makes intimacy painful and difficult. I have heard some good reviews about Radiancy so am hoping that it may help.
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I really sympathise with you & really hope that you find something that helps. What you have written pretty much sums up my wife's position. Went through hell in her menopause, in absolute agony most days pretty much being unable to walk due to pain from dryness, tearing, internal soreness, infection etc. She was getting towards suicidal thoughts due to the pain. Thankfully, making her see a female doctor as opposed to our regular male GP, finally helped in finding some solutions. Her whole body changed - nipples so sensitive that she could bear anything touching them, hot flushes where her whole body would heat up & she couldn't cool down let alone anyone touch her. Thankfully things are under some form of control now, but she is not the same person. Intimacy now a thing of the past sadly, but would so love to experience the thrill of sexual pleasure with a wanting woman again as it's now been 12 years.
 
luckydino said:
Thankfully, making her see a female doctor as opposed to our regular male GP, finally helped in finding some solutions.
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THIS!!

It is essential that her doctor sees a woman's menopause symptoms - including a disappearing libido - as a problem worth solving rather than an unavoidable consequence of aging; which is probably what an older doctor was taught back when they were trained.

When my wife raised the issue of her waning libido with her OBGYN, an older woman herself, the Doc basically said, "There's not much we can do about it... Be thankful you no longer want sex, it's a huge time waster." My wife (and I!!) was shocked!

So, she saw another, much younger female doc, who said, "Holy crap! Sex is super important and should be a part of a woman's life no matter what her age. We'll work together to find something that will help you get your interest back on track." For my wife, that meant frequent application of estradiol cream, lots and lots of high quality lube (that matches her PH), and together seeing a sex therapist who helped us approach sex with different expectations. She taught us to focus more on it merely feeling good, than on always achieving an orgasm. Chasing an orgasm can be very counter productive to enjoying sex.

If a woman thoroughly enjoyed sex before menopause, then there should be a way to continue enjoying it after.
 
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Unleashthelegions said:
No apologies needed as far as I am concerned. We all need to be able to communicate and vent. Whether that comes in the form of at the bar, at a club, or on here.
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Allow me to jump in. This thread reflects very much my own situation which makes me sympathetic to the contributors.
I had a very satisfying sexlife until menopause brought all to a screeching halt. My wife accepts this as a new situation and ignores that my needs have not changed as hers.
I am curious to know what starting points you guys had - always vanilla or exciting and now dead and ignored.
I also wonder how we can help each other to bring some spark back
 
Mine was always vanilla but regular. After kid came along it became infrequent, more her keeping our sex isolated since we shared a bedroom wall. Forward 18 years and while house empty menopause starts combined with a pattern of no sex. Empty nesters now but the pattern was set and roommate situation grew. Finally I had enough, combined with other things, and we had it out. Something was going to change, for good or bad, but it wasn't going to continue. She wasn't against sex just used to not doing it and since I hadn't forced the issue previously (managing myself) she figured not a big deal. Neither of us want to split so counseling and not sugar coating we got in the same book if not same page. Some youtubes by psychologists and such also helped give a neutral view of sex, married life, men and women's views. We both got help with our other issues separately and talk about those too. So now we're more frequent and talking about what we want from the other continues. It wasn't a textbook "therapy helps" deal and the stakes were very high so I think we had less apprehension to getting major work vs a nip and tuck.
 
My wife struggled with enjoying sex after menopause and the reason was largely because we BOTH put pressure on her to continue having orgasms just as she did before, and when it didn't happen it lead to apprehension and stress that carried forward to the NEXT time we had sex - OR it lead to sexual avoidance. It became a cycle of over-expectation then crushing disappointment. And when it was clear orgasms weren't going to happen, my idiotic response was to try to "liven" things up by being more sexually forward with more lust, more passion, etc.. It was often counter-productive. As an example, one night I convinced her to watch a porn clip even though she had repeatedly told me she doesn't enjoy porn. My hope was if she saw a bunch of super handsome dudes with gorgeous cocks having sex, it would re-ignite her interest.

It made things worse. As the scene unfolded (two guys, two women) her eyes filled with tears. She turned to me and said, "Why would you think watching a bunch of tight-bodied 30-somethings orgasming with ease would do ANYTHING but make me feel WORSE about my body and my struggle to enjoy any kind of sex?" Ugh...My heart sunk. I badly misjudged and felt terrible for it.

We both agreed that sex was way too important to go without so she raised the issue with her OBGYN (no help) and then her Primary Doc who prescribed Estradiol cream and suggested a sex therapist. In brief, the therapist helped us realize that the goal of sex going forward should NOT be to have orgasms but rather to simply enjoy being naked and close and enjoy each others' touch and caresses and, if my wife is receptive, whatever may come next. Her advice seemed so fucking obvious, but the idea eluded us - it was a godsend. It wasn't long before my wife resumed having orgasms - albeit only occasionally, and very different than before. And I'm careful these days to not ask if she had one or make a big deal of it either way. The question I now ask is, "Did you enjoy that?" and the answer is always yes regardless of whether it was just touching, or if it lead to oral, dildo penetration, or full PIV (always with LOTS of quality lube). And if doing PIV, I immediately stop when it starts becoming uncomfortable for her. I then either stroke myself to a finish (if she encourages me), or I simply wait until the next time.

Couples need to expect that sex will be quite different after menopause. That they will need to proceed more slowly, more cautiously and PIV will likely require lots of quality lube and may not last long before it becomes unpleasant for her. And if neither of you expect an orgasm, then neither of you will be disappointed if it doesn't happen. ..Just make enjoyment of 20-30 minutes of touching - whatever it's form - the goal. Do that and you'll never be let down and good sex can continue indefinitely.
 
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My wife and I are both in our early 50s and she is going through pre-menopause. I've always been the type to make sure she finishes first. Lately, she can't reach an orgasm and I finish alone, which I don't like at all.
 
tjalex001 said:
My wife and I are both in our early 50s and she is going through pre-menopause. I've always been the type to make sure she finishes first. Lately, she can't reach an orgasm and I finish alone, which I don't like at all.
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read my post above yours.

You need to re-learn how to have sex. Don't make orgasm (hers of yours) the goal. ..It's counterproductive. If you make the mere enjoyment of sensual touch the NEW goal, neither of you will ever be disappointed. And, with time, orgasms may return.
 
LMWM321 said:
My wife struggled with enjoying sex after menopause and the reason was largely because we BOTH put pressure on her to continue having orgasms just as she did before, and when it didn't happen it lead to apprehension and stress that carried forward to the NEXT time we had sex - OR it lead to sexual avoidance. It became a cycle of over-expectation then crushing disappointment. And when it was clear orgasms weren't going to happen, my idiotic response was to try to "liven" things up by being more sexually forward with more lust, more passion, etc.. It was often counter-productive. As an example, one night I convinced her to watch a porn clip even though she had repeatedly told me she doesn't enjoy porn. My hope was if she saw a bunch of super handsome dudes with gorgeous cocks having sex, it would re-ignite her interest.

It made things worse. As the scene unfolded (two guys, two women) her eyes filled with tears. She turned to me and said, "Why would you think watching a bunch of tight-bodied 30-somethings orgasming with ease would do ANYTHING but make me feel WORSE about my body and my struggle to enjoy any kind of sex?" Ugh...My heart sunk. I badly misjudged and felt terrible for it.

We both agreed that sex was way too important to go without so she raised the issue with her OBGYN (no help) and then her Primary Doc who prescribed Estradiol cream and suggested a sex therapist. In brief, the therapist helped us realize that the goal of sex going forward should NOT be to have orgasms but rather to simply enjoy being naked and close and enjoy each others' touch and caresses and, if my wife is receptive, whatever may come next. Her advice seemed so fucking obvious, but the idea eluded us - it was a godsend. It wasn't long before my wife resumed having orgasms - albeit only occasionally, and very different than before. And I'm careful these days to not ask if she had one or make a big deal of it either way. The question I now ask is, "Did you enjoy that?" and the answer is always yes regardless of whether it was just touching, or if it lead to oral, dildo penetration, or full PIV (always with LOTS of quality lube).

Couples need to expect that sex will be quite different after menopause. That they will need to proceed more slowly, more cautiously and PIV will likely require lots of quality lube and may not last long before it becomes unpleasant for her. And if neither of you expect an orgasm, then neither of you will be disappointed if it doesn't happen. ..Just make enjoyment of 20-30 minutes of touching - whatever it's form - the goal. Do that and you'll never be let down and good sex can continue indefinitely.
Click to expand...
This is very good advice.
 
tjalex001 said:
My wife and I are both in our early 50s and she is going through pre-menopause. I've always been the type to make sure she finishes first. Lately, she can't reach an orgasm and I finish alone, which I don't like at all.
Click to expand...
That's awful, but it fluctuates. I think it has to do with stress, hormones, etc., etc. Sometimes it's great and other times it's just me (like you) and I don't like that either.
 
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