Yup, and it sucks. Not sure of exactly when it happened but in mid 50s my wife finds sex painful. Tried quite a few things to no avail. A once active sex life is now dormant. I don’t want to be done and the alternative is a marriage killer.
That’s often quite accurate. Understanding that intellectually doesn’t always overcome the feeling of rejection though.
Reading this made me a little sad, because it’s much more common than people realize and I know for a man who is still virile its frustrating.
Your entire post was excellent. As to the above...
This response has a lot of insight and truth to it. It describes many of us who have had long marriages that have evolved. Thank you for your thoughtful post.Reading this made me a little sad, because it’s much more common than people realize and I know for a man who is still virile its frustrating.
Pain changes the equation completely. Once something that was associated with pleasure becomes associated with anxiety or discomfort, it’s not surprising that someone starts avoiding it. That doesn’t mean they’ve stopped loving their partner or stopped wanting intimacy altogether.
From the other side, I can also understand how lonely it must feel to lose something that used to be a happy part of your relationship with your wife. Grieving that loss doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you human.
What I’d be careful of is thinking in terms of “the alternative.” If the conversation becomes “have sex or lose the marriage,” everyone ends up backed into a corner. Ask instead, “How do we stay close while we work out what intimacy looks like now?”
I don’t know the answer for you, but I do know couples who’ve spent decades together that have survived much bigger changes than this. The challenge probably isn’t rediscovering the sex life you had at thirty. It’s finding out what closeness looks like at sixty. There are other forms of intimacy besides penetrative sex that you and she can talk about and I suspect if you have a serious talk that isn’t confrontational or made to make her feel inadequate, she probably misses intimacy as much as you do and would be willing to work with you.
Sending you a virtual hug and hopes for a desirable outcome to your problem.
this is probably the most insightful post in this thread, and the sad reality is that I know men will ignore it. That's why I asked about what they knew (or their partners knew) about menopause. When sex is painful, and you don't have the tools to address it, or worse - feel shame - it's awful. I know from experience that you try to avoid it, shut down, and the other person 100% takes it personally.Reading this made me a little sad, because it’s much more common than people realize and I know for a man who is still virile its frustrating.
Pain changes the equation completely. Once something that was associated with pleasure becomes associated with anxiety or discomfort, it’s not surprising that someone starts avoiding it. That doesn’t mean they’ve stopped loving their partner or stopped wanting intimacy altogether.
From the other side, I can also understand how lonely it must feel to lose something that used to be a happy part of your relationship with your wife. Grieving that loss doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you human.
What I’d be careful of is thinking in terms of “the alternative.” If the conversation becomes “have sex or lose the marriage,” everyone ends up backed into a corner. Ask instead, “How do we stay close while we work out what intimacy looks like now?”
I don’t know the answer for you, but I do know couples who’ve spent decades together that have survived much bigger changes than this. The challenge probably isn’t rediscovering the sex life you had at thirty. It’s finding out what closeness looks like at sixty. There are other forms of intimacy besides penetrative sex that you and she can talk about and I suspect if you have a serious talk that isn’t confrontational or made to make her feel inadequate, she probably misses intimacy as much as you do and would be willing to work with you.
Sending you a virtual hug and hopes for a desirable outcome to your problem.
I love this. This is growing in a loving relationship. People are the same at 25 as they are at 65. It's sad, frustrating, and beautiful. If we're lucky to get to be that age.
As my wife was dealing with Menopause, I recall saying, rather glibly I might add, “If you’re not having sexual thoughts about me then I hope you’re having them about somebody else - because not having them at all isn’t healthy.”
