Sexual Communication Dilemma

[PinkLace5]

I have been in a solid, loving relationship with my boyfriend of three years. In the past, almost all of my relationships with men have either begun as hookups and ended as such or progressed into unsuccessful relationships. I seem to fall short when comparing how I have felt confident/open with communicating sexually to past lovers compared to my boyfriend. I was wondering if anyone ever had similar issues and/or advice.

Considering the dating scene concerning people my age (I am now 25) in MY past experiences, I often found that the concept of going on a solo date in order to “get to know each other” was pretty unheard of. Instead, going to parties, bars, clubs, etc was where relations would begin (with anything ranging from making out to sex) and would either progress into future hook ups, a relationship, or end there. In other cases, I found I would communicate with ex lovers who I knew more personally from school, work, etc through the internet or texting where things seemed easily discussed because it wasn’t face to face. Obviously these scenarios aren’t the case for everyone but were pretty common in my own experiences and that of my friends.

When I compare my comfort level discussing (sometimes doing) anything sexual with the handful of lovers/boyfriends I’ve had to my boyfriend, there is a pretty big difference. My boyfriend is more “old school dating” and took things slowly and was always very respectful towards me. He never flirted to the point of being overly sexual and he never got “inappropriate” during online or phone conversations. It was honestly really comforting because I felt like we really became friends initially and then developed on a more romantic/sexual level. I always enjoy sex with him, but I feel guilty considering he’s doing all the work. I feel highly uncomfortable doing things I’ve done (and enjoyed!) with previous lovers (i.e. initiating sex, suggest trying something new, discussing fantasies, watching porn, even keeping my eyes open during the act). I’ve never had such difficulty finding my confidence! I feel like there is something wrong with me- I had no problem being sexually confident with men that didn’t treat me well yet struggle with my boyfriend who I trust and love?! I’m beginning to think starting off on a sexual level right away in the past (initiated this way by the guy) made things easier to discuss and boosted my confidence because it made me feel sexually appealing. Plus, my fear of embarrassment and rejection is also increased because I care for my boyfriend so much. On his end, I think he may worry about being overly sexual with me at the risk of being disrespectful. He isn’t very talkative about sex either, but I feel maybe if I got over my issues we both would be able to open up more. Any thoughts?

 

[satindesire]

I have been in a solid, loving relationship with my boyfriend of three years. In the past, almost all of my relationships with men have either begun as hookups and ended as such or progressed into unsuccessful relationships. I seem to fall short when comparing how I have felt confident/open with communicating sexually to past lovers compared to my boyfriend. I was wondering if anyone ever had similar issues and/or advice.

Considering the dating scene concerning people my age (I am now 25) in MY past experiences, I often found that the concept of going on a solo date in order to “get to know each other” was pretty unheard of. Instead, going to parties, bars, clubs, etc was where relations would begin (with anything ranging from making out to sex) and would either progress into future hook ups, a relationship, or end there. In other cases, I found I would communicate with ex lovers who I knew more personally from school, work, etc through the internet or texting where things seemed easily discussed because it wasn’t face to face. Obviously these scenarios aren’t the case for everyone but were pretty common in my own experiences and that of my friends.

When I compare my comfort level discussing (sometimes doing) anything sexual with the handful of lovers/boyfriends I’ve had to my boyfriend, there is a pretty big difference. My boyfriend is more “old school dating” and took things slowly and was always very respectful towards me. He never flirted to the point of being overly sexual and he never got “inappropriate” during online or phone conversations. It was honestly really comforting because I felt like we really became friends initially and then developed on a more romantic/sexual level. I always enjoy sex with him, but I feel guilty considering he’s doing all the work. I feel highly uncomfortable doing things I’ve done (and enjoyed!) with previous lovers (i.e. initiating sex, suggest trying something new, discussing fantasies, watching porn, even keeping my eyes open during the act). I’ve never had such difficulty finding my confidence! I feel like there is something wrong with me- I had no problem being sexually confident with men that didn’t treat me well yet struggle with my boyfriend who I trust and love?! I’m beginning to think starting off on a sexual level right away in the past (initiated this way by the guy) made things easier to discuss and boosted my confidence because it made me feel sexually appealing. Plus, my fear of embarrassment and rejection is also increased because I care for my boyfriend so much. On his end, I think he may worry about being overly sexual with me at the risk of being disrespectful. He isn’t very talkative about sex either, but I feel maybe if I got over my issues we both would be able to open up more. Any thoughts?

Well, my thought process when reading this was, now that you're in love, you have a lot more to lose. No wonder you're scared...if you frighten him off by being 'too forward' sexually, you will have lost THE MAN YOU LOVE! That's pretty frightening, right?

Honestly, though, 99% of the time, we are picturing the absolute worst in our head when in reality, it's nothing like that terrible fear. Not only am I sure your man would welcome the chance to be open sexually with you, and communicate more about sex, but he'll also welcome being able to make 100% sure he's pleasing you sexually.

When a man is in love, making sure that he's a good lover to his partner is usually VERY important, right at the top of his priority list in the relationship. Not only are sexually satisfied women more likely to enjoy and initiate sex, but they're more likely to say yes when they're approached for sex, so being GOOD IN BED is something that almost all men absolutely strive for.

I think that once you swallow your fear and confront the situation head-on, bravely and KNOWING in your HEART that your boyfriend adores you and isn't going to leave you just because you want to talk about sex openly, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

It can be terrifying to do something that is holding you back so much, but please remember, this man loves you very much, and I know that he'd really love being able to be that much closer to you. The chance to build intimacy in a loving relationship isn't something someone in love walks away from, trust me.

I know you can do it.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Unless he's said or done something overtly to give you the idea that he does not want you to initiate or reciprocate, then you should be. After three years together you should be able to talk openly and honestly with each other about your mutual sexual needs and desires.

I can tell you that most guys that I know don't like women who just lay there. We like the woman to initiate too. We like to sit back and be taken care of too. This lets us know that you love us and want to please us as much as we want those things for you. It gets old very quickly to be in a one sided relationship and it will eventually put a very heavy strain on it.

 

[PinkLace5]

Thanks for the input!

NippleMuncher, I do reciprocate by giving my boyfriend oral sex- I would never leave the man high and dry! I just feel like I've done so much more in the past and need to find the confidence to step it up. I certainly don't want to be a girl who "just lays there"- I'm definitely responding during sex; I just want to respond MORE. What you discuss in your response is what I'm striving not to be like and it's so frustrating considering I've been so comfortable with initiating in the past. Because our relationship isn't strictly sexual, I struggle finding the right moments and going from just hanging out to being all over him. Maybe it's the transition that bothers me. I don't want him to suffer from my confidence issues.

Satin, thank you for the kind words/validation. I need to input them into my own pep talk before I take the leap. I know he'll love/accept me no matter what I discuss/ initiate with him- I just need to find the courage. Thanks for the encouragement

 

[satindesire]

Satin, thank you for the kind words/validation. I need to input them into my own pep talk before I take the leap. I know he'll love/accept me no matter what I discuss/ initiate with him- I just need to find the courage. Thanks for the encouragement

You're welcome!

One thing that might be able to help build that courage is this thought: Every day that goes by without you saying something to your boyfriend is one more day you're suffering unnecessarily with this problem.

 

[breezyblue]

I have been in almost your shoes before I think the scary part of it is that in a committed relationship you care more about what the other person thinks about you than if it was just a hook up/fuck buddy situation. Honestly though, chances are that he feels the same say towards you, not wanting to offend you or come on too strong in any way. The way i got over this was to start small by sending him sexy texts or leaving post it notes for him to find. It sounds weird but it really helped me getting over my fears because it was a little less intimidating than talking face to face. Also watching sexy movies/soft porn together sort of got us going on talking about what we liked about the scene or what we would like to try. Just some thoughts, and remember he loves you and will probably be thrilled if you bring it up! So what are you waiting for? Go for it!

 

[breezyblue]

Oh, and good luck!

 

[NippleMuncher]

Every day that goes by without you saying something to your boyfriend is one more day you're suffering unnecessarily with this problem.

True, very very true.

PinkLace5 - My comments had more to do with communication, and the lack there of, than whether or not you're responsive or reciprocative in bed. You've got confidence issues, I strongly urge you to speak with your boyfriend about this and come to a mutual compromise/resolution. Just knowing how you feel he may not mind being the instigator. Knowing that you feel you're not pulling your weight in the bedroom, may make him more helpful and constructive in guiding you. Regardless, communication is the key, both to a stronger relationship and through this period of hardship that you're personally going through.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

tough

It's tough to face the situation. A couple of thoughts. First thing that occurs to me is that you are in the throes of finding that you can relate to a guy on a level other than sex. This, BTW, is ESSENTIAL if you are to enjoy a mutually satisfying, give-and-take relationship that is something other than a zero sum game in which one wins and the other loses. In many ways, it's much easier to jump in the sack, get hot and heavy before you learn that the two of you are incompatible.
Having said all that, you are doing a wonderful thing. My suggestion is to slow down and realize that you are building the basis for a solid relationship which will take time to develop and grow. Neither Rome nor solid relationships are built in a day. Take it easy. You'll have plenty of time to rock and roll. It is you in which he ought to be interested not your sexual organ.

 

[fuckmeat]

It sounds to me that your fear here is letting go. You've let go and been wild in the past, so if you let go again and get into the same psychosexual zone, you'll act like a wanton slut and give away to this lovely bloke of yours that you have slept around in the past and been slutty about it. He will run screaming from the bedroom, never to be seen again.

It's not going to happen. Certainly not if he loves you.

Unless you meet a guy when you're very young, he should expect you to have a sexual history. Most men cherish women who are uninhibited in the bedroom and show physical affection freely. It may be that he's being nice and gentle about the whole thing because the way you've responded to him makes him think that you'd be the one freaking out if he stepped it up. Guys generally take their cues from women about what is and isn't acceptable, because women are usually more reserved in the bedroom. So it could be a case of both of you assuming your partner is a sedate lover, because neither of you have dared to step it up.

You don't have to nuts though. I'm sure there are subtle ways you can express yourself more fully that won't seen like sexual schizophrenia based on your current repertoire.

 

[JoyceMarieL]

Sounds Like a Keeper

Pinklaces5,

It sounds like your bf is a keeper. It also seems that both of you are ready to move to the next level and become more physical. How physical is your decision.

To begin a discusion on sex with him, you might begin by telling him how much you have appreciated the respect and restraint he has shown. Relate how rewarding it was that he has not rushed you into going to bed with him.

Reveal to him that in addition to his other qualities, you are sexually attracted to him. Ask, if he feels sexually attracted to you. If there is, by all means communicate it in some physical way. How you do it, depends I guess on how far and fast you want to procede.

I very much envy having a dilemma like yours. Best of luck and I hope, when you do have sex, it is great. Sex is an important part of marriage, but not the only thing. You seem to have ascertained that the other things are there and soon will explore the sexual aspects.

 

[PinkLace5]

I have been in almost your shoes before I think the scary part of it is that in a committed relationship you care more about what the other person thinks about you than if it was just a hook up/fuck buddy situation.

You hit the nail on the head Breezy! I've been in committed relationships before but the basis of those were sexual. This is the first time I feel that the relationship is stronger on a more emotional level (which-of course- is a nice, healthy change). My boyfriend is the first guy I've never had any sexual issues with during the act so I feel as though my body- not just my mind- is accepting him.

Fuckmeat- Initially in our relationship, I was more forward with him. Yet, he gently sent the message to take it slow. We did have sex early on in the relationship, but he made it clear he wanted it to be so much more. I was stunned...this didn't exist in my mind coming from a guy in his early 20's (please excuse my judgment). On the other hand, I would be lying if i said that I also had a bit of a bruised ego (which I have addressed with him since) and he reassured me that he was very attracted to me. My downfall is that the only way I had been capable of measuring a guy's attraction to me was by how much he wanted to sleep with me. Additionally, my boyfriend's exes never wanted to be sexual with him. We have communicated on this matter and have made tremendous strides. Yet, in the mix of him stepping up I stopped going out of my way as I had for other men in the past. I'm afraid to confide everything at this moment about my fantasies and being forward because like you said I don't want to come off like a slut with too much experience whose fantasies are more extreme. I just don't want to disappoint him or turn him off. I know I have to "step it up" as you said and guess I'll begin with baby steps and see how he reacts.

Nfrrd, thank you for the reassurance. My own immaturity mixed with some romance movies misconstrued many of my notions about relationships. My boyfriend and I both give and take equally which is absolutely great. I feel we're creating a solid foundation for our relationship which continues to improve through our good days and bad. I just needed a sounding board because I know I'm holding back in the bedroom, and it would be nice to work on all things of the relationship- however gradual. Rome is worth it!

Joyce, I have had sex with my boyfriend, but I think it's a great idea to vocalize to him that I appreciate his respect and stress my sexual attraction to him. Thanks for the input!

(Thanks guys for all the advice and encouragement. It's so incredibly helpful!)