She's way way.... WAY out of my league. How do I handle her?

[GWNorth32]

Wayne Gretzky, arguably one of the best hockey players ever said it best.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

A 2 hour drive is nothing, you can each drive an hour and meet in the middle!

 

[Christopher2012]

Okay guys, so this whole thing has come to a conclusion, I think. I definitely owe all of you some closure. I really appreciate all of your responses.

So last night I called her and didn't leave a message. Today, I figured I'd wait to call her again. However, that didn't go over so well with a friend of mine. This friend told me to text her. He said the text would serve two purposes. First of all, it would connect my number with my name so she would know who is calling her next time. Secondly, it would be possibly more comfortable for her and not come across as stalkerish.

So, I sent her a text just saying that it was me and that I called her the night before. I said that I understood that she was busy and just that she should text me sometime when she got the chance.

She texted back about 5-10 minutes later saying that today was a very busy day and that she was exhausted. She said she was about to go to bed.

That's it. I'm not messing with her anymore. Texting her may have been a mistake, but that's just the step I took. I knew all along that I'd make stupid mistakes, and obviously I have. Oh well.

Life isn't all bad, though. I have plenty on my mind. How awesome is it that I was offered a job interview that I didn't even really pursue! How awesome is it that it's in the same state! I have plenty reason to be happy. My life doesn't necessarily suck and I'm not in such a terrible position. Overall, I like where life's going. So, Mary wasn't the girl. It's all good. There will be another.... uhh... I hope. haha!

 

[TartfromHell]

Wayne Gretzky, arguably one of the best hockey players ever said it best.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

A 2 hour drive is nothing, you can each drive an hour and meet in the middle!

perfect quote GW!

Christopher,

if you're still having a hard time making the call -- that's why i suggested sending her a text. normally, i would agree -- it would be better to call, but you need to do something to break out of this holding pattern that you're in.

just pick a day and something you want to do, and just send her a text: "hey ____, this is Christopher -- heard there's this great band playing on ____, would you like to go?" or something ... the important thing is to not prolong this any longer -- you're making it more stressful on yourself ... and her



editing as i just read your post Christopher ... text was fine, but the message was weak -- it left too much "up in the air" ... i wouldn't have known exactly how to take the open-endedness of that either. you also don't know what kind of day she had, or if something was just wrong at that moment and she just wanted to respond with something and not ignore your sms ...

i also get the impression, you're being a bit quick to dismissing all this (like you're almost relieved) ... you don't need to post about what i'm going to ask you, but i do ask that you think about it: are you really ok with this "ending" - or not ...

 

[Christopher2012]

You know, with me it almost seems like it's damned if you do, damned if you don't. If I come across too strongly, I'm a stalker and weird. If I play it conservative, I'm sending weak signals and not being a man.

I sent her a text and she said she was going to bed. I mean, my hands are tied. What else can I do?

She works mornings now and gets off in the afternoon. I work in the afternoon and nights. I can't call her. I'm not going to push her. I mean, I'm not going to be "that guy" who's weird and creepy. I'm simply not.

I mean, wtf...

 

[Goldeniangel]

Um... saying that she's going to bed isn't a blow-off. If she works mornings and she was super tired, then she was probably going to bed. And needed her rest. And maybe was very worried about coming off creepy/stupid/lame if she tried texting with you while she was about to fall over in an exhausted heap. Or, even worse, end up falling asleep in between texts and leaving you hanging.

It sounds like she's communicating dude. You're giving up way too soon and reading way too many things into simple communication. I agree with you that it sounds like Mary's not the girl, but not because of anything she's done. You just aren't ready apparently to try and talk to a girl that you're interested in without thinking that she's playing lots of little mind games with you.

 

[Christopher2012]

she's playing lots of little mind games with you.

Mind games? Wtf are you talking about? I don't think she's playing mind games. I think she's being nice and not trying to be an asshole and ignore me completely. That's what I think. But at the same time, there's no push for follow up.

I believe a more promising response on her end is "Hey I'm exhausted ***BUT*** call me later." Or even "I'll talk to you later." Anything to promote a future conversation. Not just "Hey, today was busy. I'm going to bed."

Her response completely shut down communication. That leads me to believe she's just being nice. That's all.

...I mean God damn. I fucking called her and then texted her on back-to-back nights. What else am I supposed to do to say "HEY, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU!!"?

 

[themilf]

Mind games? Wtf are you talking about? I don't think she's playing mind games. I think she's being nice and not trying to be an asshole and ignore me completely. That's what I think. But at the same time, there's no push for follow up.

I believe a more promising response on her end is "Hey I'm exhausted ***BUT*** call me later." Or even "I'll talk to you later." Anything to promote a future conversation. Not just "Hey, today was busy. I'm going to bed."

Her response completely shut down communication. That leads me to believe she's just being nice. That's all.

...I mean God damn. I fucking called her and then texted her on back-to-back nights. What else am I supposed to do to say "HEY, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU!!"?

My, you take constructive criticism and perceived rejection well. From the beginning I was both annoyed by and enthralled with your posts. Everyone tried to be so helpful and lovely, even I tossed in my two cents... and you simply wouldn't have any part of it. I even thought maybe this was a social experiment of some sort.
And what's with the potty mouth all of the sudden? It's bad form to talk that way to people who are trying to help you.

 

[njlauren]

Dude, you are screwing yourself into the ground before you even have seriously done anything with this gal. You are going to give up because she said she had a long day and was tired? That is kind of like the french army officer who if he sees some dust flying in the air assumes there is a division of enemy soldiers coming his way and retreats....it is basically looking for any excuse to make sure it doesn't happen. I am not trying to make you feel bad, that is a common tool to protect ourselves, we convince ourselves it never would work then look for any little excuse to make it come out the way we think. Young women run into this all the time, especially good looking ones, young men are often intimidated by women they consider 'hot' and they often end up frustrated.

This gal is probably interested in you IMO and you are blowing it. The friend who told you she was interested did so because she knew the gal wanted her to, and the fact that she responded to your text means she likes you; believe me, if she wanted to blow you off she would. A stalker or a crazy person is someone who sends a text every hour and demands to know why she didn't respond, or leaves a voice mail message then calls back the next day because she didn't 'call back soon enough'. If you schedules are crazy, leave her a message (I may be an old fart, but I think voice is better) in a day or two and say something like "I am sorry our schedules are so different and it is hard to get together. I'd really like to find a day we can get together and do something (dinner and a movie, play, whatever), especially to be able to talk and get to know one another better".....You don't have to be overbearing, just show interest, and I am pretty sure she will respond.

The other little secret I'll let you in on....most girls are not 'critical mom' types, just looking for faults to pick on. Since she at least was around you at work, she already has seen you (sorry, people are different at work, but not that much different) so you kind if knows what you are like, and seems to like what she saw. And do yourself a favor, and don't listen to what friends tell you is the 'best way' to get the girl to like you, please. What works for them works for them, and the kind of girls they get could be very different then this one (kind of reminds me of the scalper guy trying to give Rat dating advice in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High"). Listen to your guy, she is interested in you, and you have what it takes in you to go further with her, I am pretty certain of that. She is prob just as uncertain as you are so I suspect she understands.

 

[MoreMagic]

Hey I have read your post as well as the replies to it (some good advice there).
All I can say in a nutshell is "quit being your own worst enemy and dont over analize," thats the trouble I see with people coming out of high level academic programs they forget the basics and programs are so wrapped up in high tech that they forget to keep the foundations in the forefront.
K.I.S.S. Keep it simple stupid
It makes life easier and then the rest just falls into place

 

[Goldeniangel]

Mind games? Wtf are you talking about? I don't think she's playing mind games. I think she's being nice and not trying to be an asshole and ignore me completely. That's what I think. But at the same time, there's no push for follow up.

I believe a more promising response on her end is "Hey I'm exhausted ***BUT*** call me later." Or even "I'll talk to you later." Anything to promote a future conversation. Not just "Hey, today was busy. I'm going to bed."

Her response completely shut down communication. That leads me to believe she's just being nice. That's all.

...I mean God damn. I fucking called her and then texted her on back-to-back nights. What else am I supposed to do to say "HEY, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU!!"?

No, you perceived her response as totally shutting down communication. Totally shutting down communication would be not texting you back at all. The girl wanted to find you on Facebook. She gave you her number. She texted you back pretty quickly and gave you a real reason why she couldn't talk to you right at that moment.

All of those things are pretty clear. Your perception that she's just "being nice" or "brushing you off" is what made me say that you think she's playing mind games with you. Because, so far, there has been nothing to indicate that from what you've described. I understand your frustration... but seriously, you've tried twice... the first time she might not have even known it was you calling, and you're already giving up?

Plus... not all girls like text. I actually hate texting when I'm talking to a guy I like because I can't tell what his tone is, if he's flirting, if he's just blowing me off... just like you can't tell if she's exhausted or just being nice or blowing you off. I'd give her a couple of days and then call and have something CONCRETE to suggest that you do together other than "we should hang out" (which girls usually hear as code for: 'i want to see you, but i'm too lazy to come up with an actual plan for doing so, so you figure out what we're going to do').

You wanted a certain response... you didn't get it. Does that mean that she doesn't like you? No, it means that you're thinking about what YOU think it means rather than what SHE might have actually meant when she texted it. Which is why I say mind games and why it seems like you're not actually ready to talk with her.

You've hemmed and hawed, made excuses, were ready to run at the first sign of rejection anyway, and now you're taking your perception of what you THINK she MUST have meant (instead of actually knowing) and backing off again. Either you don't want to date her that badly or you're very scared of actually being rejected and so you're giving up already, that's what it looks like to me. And trust me... I sympathize with the latter. But dating is always scary, and taking a chance with someone you truly like is one of the most terrifying things in the world.

I left three, THREE voice mails on my hubby's phone when we first started seeing each other, asking him if he wanted to come to a group/friend gathering (we met through a mutual friend). Saw him at a party, said he'd lost his phone and to please try calling him again... two weeks and two voicemails later I turned to my friend and said, "I'm trying one last time. If he doesn't call back, fuck it." Left a voicemail telling him I was hanging out with mutual friends that night and asking if he'd like to join. Fifteen minutes later he called back to thank me for the invite but say that he was too exhausted from work to come out. We ended up making plans to get together the next day.

And now I'm married to this goober... whom, if I had asked you for advice about, I would have never pursued. Because he obviously wasn't interested. So, granted, from my own experience it's possible that I'm a wee bit biased... on the other hand, you also never know until you try.

 

[Christopher2012]

I just hate it that this has to be so hard for me...

 

[bailadora]

I just hate it that this has to be so hard for me...

Not to be unsympathetic, but you're your own worst enemy. Get out of your head and STOP overthinking it. With few exceptions, I don't think dating was/is a cakewalk for ANY of the people who have taken the time to reply to you. The difference is that at some point, we all screwed up our courage, said "fuck it" and took the leap. One of my favorite songs is "The Rose" by Bette Midler. The middle stanza is as follows :

It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin'
That never learns to live.

Dude, if you can't learn to take some calculated risks (and give them a good faith effort instead of a half assed one), there's a pretty good chance those lyrics will be a reflection of you. Even if things don't work out the way you hope they will with this girl, you can take the experience and learn for the next time. So your efforts will not have been in vain.

 

[sweetguava]

I just hate it that this has to be so hard for me...

You're making it hard for yourself.

Over thinking this shizz.

Just ask her out, one last try. Something easy, like, "Hey, do you wanna grab a coffee with me this weekend?"

She says yes = Yay!

She says no, but suggests a different date/time/activity = Yay!

She says no, without suggesting a different date/time/activity = On to the next one!

 

[Lord Pmann]

This thread is more painful than a cactus vibrator. Seriously. This thread just hurts to watch.

You've looked for every excuse in the book to avoid talking with this girl and, as someone said earlier, you seem relieved that it's "over". All the girl said was that she is going to bed and you took it as her blowing you off. Perhaps she was going to bed.

Look, I realize it may be difficult to talk to the girl if you lack confidence. But the worst thing you can do is not try. Just give it a shot. That WG quote earlier was amazingly applicable.

You need to ask her something specific. This open ended stuff is mind numbing. Ask her somewhere to dinner or to a concert or something. Don't just call and not leave a message. Have a specific plan. Girls hate indecisive guys. I do too apparently because I'm really bothered by this thread.

 

[Bramblethorn]

So, I sent her a text just saying that it was me and that I called her the night before. I said that I understood that she was busy and just that she should text me sometime when she got the chance.

She texted back about 5-10 minutes later saying that today was a very busy day and that she was exhausted. She said she was about to go to bed.

If she did this repeatedly every time you tried to contact her, I'd think it was a brush-off. As it is, you're REALLY over-analysing one ambiguous interaction. The most likely explanation is that she was tired; if you want an unambiguous answer to whether she's interested in you, you might have to actually ask the question. Women aren't telepathic, especially not when tired.

Seriously, I'll say this again for emphasis: quit over-analysing everything. I did it when I was your age, it doesn't work, it just leads to killing opportunities through anxiety. Ten years from now, you'll look back and want to smack sense into yourself. Just accept that there are some things you will not know until you take the emotional risk that comes with asking a straight question.

I just hate it that this has to be so hard for me...

A smart beautiful girl wants to hang out and gives you her phone number? Laddie, when I was a twenty-year-old virgin with no social skills except invisibility, I would've been DELIGHTED to be in that situation.

 

[RunningJib]

In College

No idea why'd you delete the post but well... whatever...

Do people still talk in leagues once they leave school? Who knew...
People doing and enjoying different things (aka staying in Vs going out) does not make someone a better person.

If it seems she likes you - then tell her. You don't need to get down on one knee or anything just say something like "It'll be nice if just me and you could do something sometime?"
Women are just as easy to read as men if you look for it, just watch the corners of her mouth - they'll give her heart away before she can fake her emotion.

However if you see yourself as pathetic and her as awesome it hardly seems you've gave yourself a level playing field to stand on - I'd see to that first either by looking at yourself better or letting your image of her return to reality for a week or 2.

While a freshman in college, a floormate asked this really good looking co-ed out. Over beer, we ask him (being as he was quite ordinary), how did he end up with her. His response, "I asked her."

From then on in, the sky was the limits.

You my friend, have to learn to understand that you aren't ordinary. In fact, you may be the greatest thing since sliced bread. Go ahead, take a leap of faith and believe in yourself

 

[serpentwrap]

I just hate it that this has to be so hard for me...

For many of us as well. Its become like a soap out here where many posters as well as lurkers are rooting for you silently. Like voyeurs, we seem to be transfixed at the drama that is going on. I have refrained from doling out my two bits, as I do believe that in matters of heart, if it has to happen, it will, and ifit doesn't happen, perhaps you are better off. Only time will tell, but yes, its been highly riveting so your pain (or disappointment) has been kinda contagious...

Best of luck mate...

 

[Christopher2012]

For many of us as well. Its become like a soap out here where many posters as well as lurkers are rooting for you silently. Like voyeurs, we seem to be transfixed at the drama that is going on. I have refrained from doling out my two bits, as I do believe that in matters of heart, if it has to happen, it will, and ifit doesn't happen, perhaps you are better off. Only time will tell, but yes, its been highly riveting so your pain (or disappointment) has been kinda contagious...

Best of luck mate...

Thanks. I really appreciate that.

And what's extra frustrating is out of all of this dating technique worry, I have TOTALLY forgotten how amazing she is. I have forgotten the feeling I get when I see her. I have forgotten how beautiful she is.

I play a lot when I'm at work. I play a lot all of the time, actually. But playing at work helps with the frustration of annoying customers. Anyway, there's this label maker for the pharmacy and as a territorial joke, I would label computer terminals with my last name. Well, during Mary's last two weeks, I'd always find my name covered up with her name. And then she'd hide random notes like "Chris Sucks" and stuff like that.

Hell, the entire last week that I saw her, we didn't even talk that much because of all of this. And now, I'll never get to see this chick again under any other circumstances other than calling her.

 

[culloden]

Lots and lots of good advice above, including what seems like some spot-on analysis. I won't repeat it.

I will give you an out, though. Call her or text her to the effect that you know she's busy and settling into a new routine, but you'd like to talk, get coffee, go trap shooting, whatever. End it by saying something like, "Get back to me when it's good for you."

The ball is in her court then. If she gets back to you, you know she's interested. If she doesn't, move on.

 

[serpentwrap]

I will give you an out, though. Call her or text her to the effect that you know she's busy and settling into a new routine, but you'd like to talk, get coffee, go trap shooting, whatever. End it by saying something like, "Get back to me when it's good for you."

The ball is in her court then. If she gets back to you, you know she's interested. If she doesn't, move on.

You wont get better counsel than this! Go for it mate. Even for karma to work, you've gotta give it more 'n 100 per cent before you sweep the entire misadventure under "simple twist of fate".

At the very least, it will prove to yourself you aint a quitter. And this, my friend, will stand you in very good stead in future, trust me on this.

Best

 

[Christopher2012]

Alright, I'll call her again. But I'm waiting until Saturday afternoon. And I'm going to ask her if she wants to go out the following Saturday night. I have specific plans. Dont worry.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Alright, I'll call her again. But I'm waiting until Saturday afternoon. And I'm going to ask her if she wants to go out the following Saturday night. I have specific plans. Dont worry.

Way to go. I know it's hard to get up that courage. But she gave you her number. If she blows you off, then she's kind of cruel and you don't need her anyway. If not, maybe she'll blow you off! I'm kidding. But it could be a nice time.

Best of luck man.

 

[culloden]

Hurrah for you!

 

[njlauren]

While a freshman in college, a floormate asked this really good looking co-ed out. Over beer, we ask him (being as he was quite ordinary), how did he end up with her. His response, "I asked her."

From then on in, the sky was the limits.

You my friend, have to learn to understand that you aren't ordinary. In fact, you may be the greatest thing since sliced bread. Go ahead, take a leap of faith and believe in yourself

Yep, exactly, and that story was one I have seen a lot.....What Christopher and a lot of men don't know is that a lot of very attractive, interesting, smart girls aren't dating all that much and it isn't because they aren't interested or thing anyone less then a super guy is beneath them , it is because no one asks them, because guys egos are the size of a embryonic flea. Auntie Mame said the world's a banquet and most people are starving to death, it is much the same with dating.

 

[themilf]

Alright, I'll call her again. But I'm waiting until Saturday afternoon. And I'm going to ask her if she wants to go out the following Saturday night. I have specific plans. Dont worry.

Christopher? It's Saturday afternoon where I am...
What's the verdict?