She's way way.... WAY out of my league. How do I handle her?

[Lord Pmann]

Christopher? It's Saturday afternoon where I am...
What's the verdict?

Hahaha. This is like Truman Show.

 

[Christopher2012]

Christopher? It's Saturday afternoon where I am...
What's the verdict?

Sorry, I just got off work.

Okay, the verdict is that I'm not going to call her. I know what you're going to say, and I understand. I feel like a complete and absolute failure. Even thinking about this just makes me want to put a gun to my head. Mary was a symbol. She represents every girl that's ever walked into (and out of) my life. Even more so, what happened with her represents what an absolute failure of a man I am. I am a disgrace. I almost feel like I shouldn't reproduce anyway. I wish my parents never had. My mom oftentimes asks why I don't date... she even asked me if I was gay. I cannot tell you how mad I was when she did. I wanted to flip out on her and mention that her genetic code was the reason why I didn't date.

Like I said in the very beginning, I fucking suck. Most guys will see a girl and want to talk to her. The first thing that goes through my head every time I see an attractive girl is "Fuck my life."

It sucks. I didn't follow your advice. In actuality, I don't think it's possible for me to. I don't know what else to say. I feel bad. Mary was amazing.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Like I said in the very beginning, I fucking suck. Most guys will see a girl and want to talk to her. The first thing that goes through my head every time I see an attractive girl is "Fuck my life."

It sucks. I didn't follow your advice. In actuality, I don't think it's possible for me to. I don't know what else to say. I feel bad. Mary was amazing.

Ever considered professional counselling for this? It sounds like a serious issue that's causing you a lot of unhappiness. I know a lot of people are resistant to the idea of seeing a pro but a good one really can help.

 

[Christopher2012]

Ever considered professional counselling for this? It sounds like a serious issue that's causing you a lot of unhappiness. I know a lot of people are resistant to the idea of seeing a pro but a good one really can help.

Oh no sir, I'm not seeing a professional. That's an expensive luxury. I don't have the time nor money.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Look mate... You have a good opportunity. You can call this girl and take a step in the right direction. You are about to start making some serious cash as a pharmacist. You can be one of those dudes who has loads of money and no one to spend it on. Or you can call the girl. The girl who gave you her phone number.

For 99% of us guys, it's not easy just talking to girls. Everyone gets nervous. Or almost everyone. Your fear seems to be more deep rooted and your self esteem lacks more than most. But you've gotten a lot of good advice from people here. It's not too late to call. You can come up with a million excuses not to do it. All of them will leave you in regret.

 

[Christopher2012]

Look mate... You have a good opportunity. You can call this girl and take a step in the right direction. You are about to start making some serious cash as a pharmacist. You can be one of those dudes who has loads of money and no one to spend it on. Or you can call the girl. The girl who gave you her phone number.

For 99% of us guys, it's not easy just talking to girls. Everyone gets nervous. Or almost everyone. Your fear seems to be more deep rooted and your self esteem lacks more than most. But you've gotten a lot of good advice from people here. It's not too late to call. You can come up with a million excuses not to do it. All of them will leave you in regret.

Student Loans: $200,000
The offer I was given: $118,000 per year

Imagine how long it would take to pay off my loans. Trust me dude, my salary will not be very impressive.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Student Loans: $200,000
The offer I was given: $118,000 per year

Imagine how long it would take to pay off my loans. Trust me dude, my salary will not be very impressive.

Dude, what are you used to living on now? $15k per year? Let's say you bring home $75k after taxes and that's assuming you're going to pay $43k in taxes, which is a lot. Just live on $25k a year. Throw $50k a year on your student loans. In four years, you'll be a free man, probably making $150k a year. So you'll be less than thirty, making $150k.

 

[Christopher2012]

Dude, what are you used to living on now? $15k per year? Let's say you bring home $75k after taxes and that's assuming you're going to pay $43k in taxes, which is a lot. Just live on $25k a year. Throw $50k a year on your student loans. In four years, you'll be a free man, probably making $150k a year. So you'll be less than thirty, making $150k.

Nooooo dude, it doesn't work that way. Interest rates are sky high and I'm not actually bringing home six figures. Also, pharmacists start at their max salary. No raises.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Nooooo dude, it doesn't work that way. Interest rates are sky high and I'm not actually bringing home six figures. Also, pharmacists start at their max salary. No raises.

Okay. So 6 years. Either way, you'll be early 30s or at worst mid 30s by the time you are out of debt and still making $118k.

I've never hear anyone bitch about making $120k a year. You've got to learn to stop seeing the negative in everything. You're clearly not an idiot. You seem like a good guy too. Don't discount yourself mate.

 

[njlauren]

Ever considered professional counselling for this? It sounds like a serious issue that's causing you a lot of unhappiness. I know a lot of people are resistant to the idea of seeing a pro but a good one really can help.

Christopher:

Does the job you are getting have health insurance coverage? If so they generally cover therapy and I would highly encourage you to look into it. What you are describing is a lack of self confidence, you are sabotaging yourself because you think little of yourself. I can relate, growing up I was socially awkward, didn't date in high school, and it was self confidence (thank you, mom and dad, for thinking that put downs and sarcastic comments really build a child's confidence in themselves). Sometimes too it is just learning the little things, reading the signals from others and understanding the landscape. I realize you have a lot of debt and that is scary (though 200k is about what an average mortgage is, though those are usually 30 year loans) but it may not be a luxury, you are talking about something fundamental, the ability to have relationships and find someone to fall in love with.

One other recommendation for you, there is a guy by the name of Harville Hendrix, he wrote a book specifically for singles (keeping the love you find is the title) that may be of help as well.

I would call the gal, face it, if you call and she isn't interested the worse thing that can happen is you are going to be where you are now. Unless she is a total bitch or something ,which few women fortunately are, at worst she will say something like "I like you, but as a friend" or whatever (it sucks, for a person dating the worse words are "let's be friends" for a married person it is "honey, we have to talk"). You fears are stopping you from trying and I agree with earlier posts, the possibility of succeeding if you don't try is 0.......

I think dating is kind of like words of advice in a short story by Jimmy Buffet: "Son, know that when you pick up the ball and run with it, you will sometimes drop it and you often will be knocked silly, but know that running with the ball is one of the most exciting things you can do"

 

[Christopher2012]

Well, put it this way, I refuse to be treated for this condition. No drugs and definitely no CBT. I'll live.

 

[bailadora]

I cannot tell you how mad I was when she did. I wanted to flip out on her and mention that her genetic code was the reason why I didn't date.

Bullshit. That's just another excuse in the seemingly endless list of them.

Well, put it this way, I refuse to be treated for this condition. No drugs and definitely no CBT. I'll live.

Who said anything about drugs? Talk therapy is about figuring out the cause(s) behind your problem(s) and developing ways to cope/mitigate or eliminate them. There are also places that will work with you on a sliding scale, but you have to get off your ass and look for them.

It's no skin off my nose if you call the girl or not. You obviously have a serious self confidence issue but since you REFUSE to get help for it, in my book, you've got no room to bitch because that's a choice you consciously make. If you want to be alone the rest of your life, so be it. I'm sorry if that seems blunt and harsh, but it seems to me that the time for coddling is over and plain speaking is required. We can't help you if you refuse to help yourself.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Oh no sir, I'm not seeing a professional. That's an expensive luxury. I don't have the time nor money.

You mentioned before that you were pulling in six figures, or about to be. You're not spending money on a girlfriend or supporting kids; even with loan payments, if you can't find a few hundred bucks to look after your mental health, your priorities are out of whack.

FWIW, I'm earning a fair bit less than your salary, in a higher-taxing country, supporting a dependent and paying off a mortgage about the size of your student loan. Still managed to scrounge the money for counselling when I needed it, and it's one of the best investments I ever made.

Get over the embarrassment factor and the excuses, and treat this like you would any other health issue. If you had a broken arm, would you be telling us you didn't have "time nor money" to get it seen to? No, you'd be taking it to a professional. The stuff you're talking about here is going to cause you FAR more trouble than a broken arm, and from what I know of US healthcare it's probably cheaper to deal with.

 

[Goey]

Another man building walls around himself...

 

[Cattypuss]

Well, put it this way, I refuse to be treated for this condition. No drugs and definitely no CBT. I'll live.

You know, you need to do one of two things -

(1) Get yourself out of this "can't ask girls out" thing (via therapy or via whatever), pronto, or

(2) Accept that your life will be womanless, pronto, and accordingly stop wanting women right now.

Those are your only two shots at happiness. Face facts.

 

[culloden]

Dude, I want to echo what the others have said. You can get help. You don't want to. Do you have any idea how much $118K is? So what that you have student loans? Lots of people have student loans, and lots of them are making minimum wage at McDonalds.

You are wallowing in self pity. Get some professional help to overcome this, or stew in your own misery. Your choice.

 

[Christopher2012]

You guys don't understand. Pharmacy school is what killed my confidence. Before pharmacy school, I was fine. But when you're thrown into a school where everybody is as good or better than you, you began to realize that you don't match up. I expected to be a great student walking into grad school. I expected people to respect me and to like me. What happened was a nightmare.

I spent 3 years around super confident people who were highly intelligent and skilled. It didn't make me a better person. It didn't strengthen me. Not to mention, all the other guys were attractive and almost over confident. They all had hot girlfriends. I was the only ugly, overweight guy in my class (actually, there was one other but he was old and married).

My biggest problem is that I have no conversation skills. To this day, I don't understand how a conversation actually works. I don't even really pay attention to what the other person is saying simply because of the fact that I'm wondering how I'm supposed to be behaving. It doesn't help when I'm talking to somebody who has been blessed by God with looks, skills, and a seemingly better life.

Now that I'm done with school, I'll be working around the best. But see, I'll either be by myself or with one other person. And I have never had any problems working as an intern. I do it every day actually. My boss makes me the lead intern for everything and tells me how bad it's going to be when I'm gone. Trust me, I'm good at what I do. And now I'll have time to hopefully improve physically and mentally. I think I'll be alright.

Oh and let me just give you this fun fact. I was talking to a student in Mary's class. This guy told me that she is easily at the top of her class. He emphasized "easily." I didn't even think she was that good. Now that I know that, I also know that I could never handle her.

 

[Cattypuss]

You guys don't understand. Pharmacy school is what killed my confidence. Before pharmacy school, I was fine. But when you're thrown into a school where everybody is as good or better than you, you began to realize that you don't match up. I expected to be a great student walking into grad school. I expected people to respect me and to like me. What happened was a nightmare.

I spent 3 years around super confident people who were highly intelligent and skilled. It didn't make me a better person. It didn't strengthen me. Not to mention, all the other guys were attractive and almost over confident. They all had hot girlfriends. I was the only ugly, overweight guy in my class (actually, there was one other but he was old and married).

My biggest problem is that I have no conversation skills. To this day, I don't understand how a conversation actually works. I don't even really pay attention to what the other person is saying simply because of the fact that I'm wondering how I'm supposed to be behaving. It doesn't help when I'm talking to somebody who has been blessed by God with looks, skills, and a seemingly better life.

Now that I'm done with school, I'll be working around the best. But see, I'll either be by myself or with one other person. And I have never had any problems working as an intern. I do it every day actually. My boss makes me the lead intern for everything and tells me how bad it's going to be when I'm gone. Trust me, I'm good at what I do. And now I'll have time to hopefully improve physically and mentally. I think I'll be alright.

Oh and let me just give you this fun fact. I was talking to a student in Mary's class. This guy told me that she is easily at the top of her class. He emphasized "easily." I didn't even think she was that good. Now that I know that, I also know that I could never handle her.

You know what this translates as? "I am a defeatist and I have reasons to be a defeatist, so you don't understand but believe me I have reasons for nursing my inadequacy like it's precious beyond rubies and by the way I'd much rather be unhappy than happy thank you very much".

And these words are VERY telling: "To this day, I don't understand how a conversation actually works. I don't even really pay attention to what the other person is saying simply because of the fact that I'm wondering how I'm supposed to be behaving".

Let me tell you how a conversation works. Person A LISTENS to person B so that when person B stops talking Person A will have something interesting to say/ask about what person B has just said. Try thinking about the other person instead of obsessing about yourself.

 

[fire_breeze]

You guys don't understand. Pharmacy school is what killed my confidence. Before pharmacy school, I was fine. But when you're thrown into a school where everybody is as good or better than you, you began to realize that you don't match up. I expected to be a great student walking into grad school. I expected people to respect me and to like me. What happened was a nightmare.

I spent 3 years around super confident people who were highly intelligent and skilled. It didn't make me a better person. It didn't strengthen me. Not to mention, all the other guys were attractive and almost over confident. They all had hot girlfriends. I was the only ugly, overweight guy in my class (actually, there was one other but he was old and married).

My biggest problem is that I have no conversation skills. To this day, I don't understand how a conversation actually works. I don't even really pay attention to what the other person is saying simply because of the fact that I'm wondering how I'm supposed to be behaving. It doesn't help when I'm talking to somebody who has been blessed by God with looks, skills, and a seemingly better life.

Now that I'm done with school, I'll be working around the best. But see, I'll either be by myself or with one other person. And I have never had any problems working as an intern. I do it every day actually. My boss makes me the lead intern for everything and tells me how bad it's going to be when I'm gone. Trust me, I'm good at what I do. And now I'll have time to hopefully improve physically and mentally. I think I'll be alright.

Oh and let me just give you this fun fact. I was talking to a student in Mary's class. This guy told me that she is easily at the top of her class. He emphasized "easily." I didn't even think she was that good. Now that I know that, I also know that I could never handle her.

Actually, I do understand. It's called grad school and I hate to tell you, my dear, but every single person who goes to grad school experience the same thing. When I started my PhD, I realised that I knew absolutely nothing, despite the glowing recommendations that I have received, and this was at the same department where I did my MA. When the most brilliant academic I ever had the pleasure of knowing asked me if I felt like an impostor yet, you have no idea how relieved I was to hear that she went, and still goes, through the same thing. Now instead of 3 years of feeling this, try imagining that some candidates have 6 years of feeling inadequate. And instead of being at the same institution, try seriously contemplating switching unis in mid-candidacy, where you know you'll pretty much have to start from scratch.

And might I add that when I finally do get to call myself Dr. Breezey, I will nowhere make as much as you, not even if I am tenured? I'll be lucky to pull 75K as a full, which will be approximately 10, 15 years after becoming an associate, if I get a position. Grant money for my discipline and field of study is minimal and the competition is beyond fierce. So comparatively the way you described it: I suck more badly than you.

I don't want to make you feel terrible nor am I looking for sympathy. I'm just pointing out that your experience as a grad student is absolutely not unique and wanted to put things into a wider perspective for you. Grad school makes you realise that you are not the smartest, or the best candidate, and when you figure out that you know absolutely nothing, that's when you become the best whatever in your field.

Any guy, or woman, who brags the way you described your colleague is, in my opinion and experience, suffering from extreme low self-esteem.

As for your final statement, you do realise that there's more to life than pharmacology, right? So what if she's better than you in that discipline? You will be better than her in other things. If she likes you, then what difference does it make if she's on top of her class? I think it's her decision to determine whether or not you are 'good enough' and that 'you can handle her' and not yours to make. And don't tell me that I don't understand.

 

[Bramblethorn]

You guys don't understand. Pharmacy school is what killed my confidence. Before pharmacy school, I was fine. But when you're thrown into a school where everybody is as good or better than you, you began to realize that you don't match up. I expected to be a great student walking into grad school. I expected people to respect me and to like me. What happened was a nightmare.

Yep, they call it "imposter syndrome". Been there, done that, still get it occasionally (but learning to cope with it).

I spent 3 years around super confident people who were highly intelligent and skilled. It didn't make me a better person. It didn't strengthen me. Not to mention, all the other guys were attractive and almost over confident.

It is very hard to tell the difference between "confident" and "projecting the appearance of confidence". Picture the swan: graceful and poised on the surface, paddling like crazy underneath.

(A few months back I mentioned to my girlfriend how nervous I felt when telling her I was attracted to her; she was astonished to hear that, because she'd always thought I seemed so confident. I cover up well.)

My biggest problem is that I have no conversation skills. To this day, I don't understand how a conversation actually works. I don't even really pay attention to what the other person is saying simply because of the fact that I'm wondering how I'm supposed to be behaving.

If you haven't already, you may want to look at the possibility of high-functioning Asperger's syndrome. I get twitchy when people invoke AS casually, because a lot of self-diagnosed "Asperger's" cases are just attention-seekers who want an excuse for not making an effort socially. But the real Aspies do have a lot of difficulty with social interaction, and if it's part of your issues, identifying that may help find solutions. (It's been a great help to my partner; she's spent most of her life feeling like an outsider, and now she has a much better understanding of what's going on.)

Oh and let me just give you this fun fact. I was talking to a student in Mary's class. This guy told me that she is easily at the top of her class. He emphasized "easily." I didn't even think she was that good. Now that I know that, I also know that I could never handle her.

Relationships are not an IQ test. It certainly *helps* if you're at similar enough levels to have a conversation, but there's no requirement that she dates the male top of the class.

 

[Christopher2012]

Actually, I do understand. It's called grad school and I hate to tell you, my dear, but every single person who goes to grad school experience the same thing. When I started my PhD, I realised that I knew absolutely nothing, despite the glowing recommendations that I have received, and this was at the same department where I did my MA. When the most brilliant academic I ever had the pleasure of knowing asked me if I felt like an impostor yet, you have no idea how relieved I was to hear that she went, and still goes, through the same thing. Now instead of 3 years of feeling this, try imagining that some candidates have 6 years of feeling inadequate. And instead of being at the same institution, try seriously contemplating switching unis in mid-candidacy, where you know you'll pretty much have to start from scratch.

And might I add that when I finally do get to call myself Dr. Breezey, I will nowhere make as much as you, not even if I am tenured? I'll be lucky to pull 75K as a full, which will be approximately 10, 15 years after becoming an associate, if I get a position. Grant money for my discipline and field of study is minimal and the competition is beyond fierce. So comparatively the way you described it: I suck more badly than you.

I don't want to make you feel terrible nor am I looking for sympathy. I'm just pointing out that your experience as a grad student is absolutely not unique and wanted to put things into a wider perspective for you. Grad school makes you realise that you are not the smartest, or the best candidate, and when you figure out that you know absolutely nothing, that's when you become the best whatever in your field.

Any guy, or woman, who brags the way you described your colleague is, in my opinion and experience, suffering from extreme low self-esteem.

As for your final statement, you do realise that there's more to life than pharmacology, right? So what if she's better than you in that discipline? You will be better than her in other things. If she likes you, then what difference does it make if she's on top of her class? I think it's her decision to determine whether or not you are 'good enough' and that 'you can handle her' and not yours to make. And don't tell me that I don't understand.

Alright, you struck the wrong chord with me here. I don't really even know what you want to hear from me on this one.

First of all, I'm not even going to argue with you about the salary. You chose your profession, and I chose mine. My primary reasoning for choosing pharmacy (besides the fact that I enjoyed being a pharmacy technician) was that I wanted to be able to have a family and not live from paycheck to paycheck. So yes, money was a big-time incentive. Besides, pharmacists get paid bank to work their asses off and not make any mistakes at the same time. Not an easy task, I promise. You'll hear over and over how burnt out pharmacists get while working at the big chains (CVS, Walgreens).

Secondly, I never asked to be a doctor. Pharmacy is progressing in a weird way and the doctorate is new to the field. Pharmacists are pushing to be more clinical. So, you have a vast array of pharmacists from the retail pharmacists (CVS, Walgreens) to the specialists in the hospitals. Our programs are designed more toward therapeutics these days. Personally, I've always wanted to be a retail pharmacist. So, I felt like I was in the wrong place. Sure, I need to know therapeutics but not specifically enough to diagnose someone. We're taught everything from labs to specific treatment options (non-pharmacologic and pharmacologic). Ask most veteran CVS pharmacists a difficult diagnostic/lab question and they'll look at you funny.

Finally, I'm not a doctor of pharmacology (Ph.D.). I'm a doctor of pharmacy (PharmD). Pharmacy does not equal pharmacology. Pharmacy is defined as the combination of pharmacology, medicinal chemistry, and therapeutics.

What are you studying exactly? Just curious.

Edit: I don't think a Ph.D. in pharmacology exists actually. My bad.

 

[Christopher2012]

Yep, they call it "imposter syndrome". Been there, done that, still get it occasionally (but learning to cope with it).



It is very hard to tell the difference between "confident" and "projecting the appearance of confidence". Picture the swan: graceful and poised on the surface, paddling like crazy underneath.

(A few months back I mentioned to my girlfriend how nervous I felt when telling her I was attracted to her; she was astonished to hear that, because she'd always thought I seemed so confident. I cover up well.)



If you haven't already, you may want to look at the possibility of high-functioning Asperger's syndrome. I get twitchy when people invoke AS casually, because a lot of self-diagnosed "Asperger's" cases are just attention-seekers who want an excuse for not making an effort socially. But the real Aspies do have a lot of difficulty with social interaction, and if it's part of your issues, identifying that may help find solutions. (It's been a great help to my partner; she's spent most of her life feeling like an outsider, and now she has a much better understanding of what's going on.)



Relationships are not an IQ test. It certainly *helps* if you're at similar enough levels to have a conversation, but there's no requirement that she dates the male top of the class.

I've already considered Asperger's. I don't know if I have it or not. Would it really matter if I found out that I did? It wouldn't change my perspective. It would probably make me feel even worse about myself.

And I'll admit, I've never heard of "imposter syndrome" until now. Both you and Breeze mentioned it. So, I guess I'm out of the loop.

 

[njlauren]

You guys don't understand. Pharmacy school is what killed my confidence. Before pharmacy school, I was fine. But when you're thrown into a school where everybody is as good or better than you, you began to realize that you don't match up. I expected to be a great student walking into grad school. I expected people to respect me and to like me. What happened was a nightmare.

I spent 3 years around super confident people who were highly intelligent and skilled. It didn't make me a better person. It didn't strengthen me. Not to mention, all the other guys were attractive and almost over confident. They all had hot girlfriends. I was the only ugly, overweight guy in my class (actually, there was one other but he was old and married).

My biggest problem is that I have no conversation skills. To this day, I don't understand how a conversation actually works. I don't even really pay attention to what the other person is saying simply because of the fact that I'm wondering how I'm supposed to be behaving. It doesn't help when I'm talking to somebody who has been blessed by God with looks, skills, and a seemingly better life.

Now that I'm done with school, I'll be working around the best. But see, I'll either be by myself or with one other person. And I have never had any problems working as an intern. I do it every day actually. My boss makes me the lead intern for everything and tells me how bad it's going to be when I'm gone. Trust me, I'm good at what I do. And now I'll have time to hopefully improve physically and mentally. I think I'll be alright.

Oh and let me just give you this fun fact. I was talking to a student in Mary's class. This guy told me that she is easily at the top of her class. He emphasized "easily." I didn't even think she was that good. Now that I know that, I also know that I could never handle her.

Chris, think about something, Mary is this really bright gal, who is doing well in school, and yet for some reason she expressed an interest in you and opened the door to you. If her intelligence (or your lack of intelligence as you see it) was an issue, she wouldn't have bothered with you, but she did.

Your real problem isn't that others are so much better then you, or she is 'way out of your league', it is that you have a lack of self confidence, a major one, and what happens is that finds all kind of excuses to hide away, slink away, whatever. Like I said, there is no rational basis to what you are doing,it makes no sense, why would the gal show an interest in you if you are such a slug? Friend of mine wrote a series of novels about a character like you, he could never believe he was good enough. He finally gets a date with this gorgeous women a lot of men would die to have time with, and he almost blows it, because he tells her he isn't worth of her, etc...and she takes his head off, and tells him that is insulting to her, that he is telling her she has no taste in men, and is truly insulted......the point being is that when a gal shows interest, it is because she likes you. Someday start looking at couples out there, real couples, and you see mismatches of all kinds, the beauty with the ordinary guy, the genius with a wife who is merely bright, you name it and it is because people fall in love, are attracted to people because they are, they don't sit there with a fucking checklist and say "he better be smarter then me, he better look like Tom Brady, etc etc"...there is a word for gals like that, known as stupid bitches, and very few women outside the LW Loving wives stories are like that....lot more men like that, but we won't go there....

Want to know a little fact? In life you are going to always meet people who are smarter, better looking, can throw a football 50 yards, can sing, can write a killer song, whatever, that is life. I worked for a company founded by a guy who is 15 years younger then I am, he is probably now a multi millionaire, is a bright SOB who graduated from one the toughest tech schools in this country with a 4.0.....and yet he is a friend. Plus in many ways, I have done things he couldn't do. Measuring yourself like that is idiotic, is natural, but it is still idiotic.

Blaming pharmacy school, blaming your mother, blaming the color of the moon that day, your height (or lack of height) and so forth in the end are excuses, blame all you want, but as they say on a commercial for dark eye circles, it is what you do about it that matters.

The fact that you don't want to get counseling or help tells me frankly you are scared shitless, because one of the things therapy or counseling does is it takes away the excuses, they won't let you do that. I don't know what you know about therapy, but it sounds to me like you have been reading what scientology says about it or what right wing drivel heads who claim that is all mumbo-jumbo liberal excuses not to behave 'right', but it isn't. Therapists don't drug you up (can't, they aren't MD's), talk therapy is getting to the route of the problem and is also about counseling, offering suggestions, about how to deal with things like this.

Without getting to the bottom of this, you are going to end up a pretty lonely person, or are going to find someone you feel 'worthy' of who may not be much of a match (often people lacking self confidence end up with someone who is very incompatible with themselves, who literally is way below them in a lot of ways).

 

[njlauren]

I've already considered Asperger's. I don't know if I have it or not. Would it really matter if I found out that I did? It wouldn't change my perspective. It would probably make me feel even worse about myself.

And I'll admit, I've never heard of "imposter syndrome" until now. Both you and Breeze mentioned it. So, I guess I'm out of the loop.

If you did have Asperger's there are ways someone can learn to deal with the condition (I have a friend who has a form of it), how to work with it, etc. If in fact it is that (and obviously, it is not easy to diagnose that in real life, forget over the net) not doing anything is going to leave whoever stuck...

I didn't know it as imposter syndrome, but yep, what the others said is very true. I am very, very good at what I do, I have worked helping literally build new types of businesses and have and continue to work with a lot of really bright people, people whose technical skills are way above mine and so forth. I work with people on the business side who are brilliant, who can work out the methods and strategies for very sophisticated trading, that are well beyond my ability to understand. When you first meet someone like that, you can feel that way quite easily, like I thought I was good, but damn. I moved out of where I had worked for a number of years, equities trading, into derivatives and commodities and the like, and when I first started doing it I was totally blown away, worried I couldn't keep up, didn't know enough......it happens, and then you start finding your way and it becomes less of an issue. But yeah, I would sit in meetings where people were talking about how trading happens, regulatory rules, and the like and sitting there thinking I landed on Mars....but like I said, then I got my feet, realized what was going on and found my own place.

I know very little about Pharm and related fields, but I do know it is tough as an undergrad and even tougher as a grad student. The fact that you got into that program says a lot, and if you felt that you were less smart then the other people, it meant you had to work harder to keep up, and that is an incredible thing to have (lot better to be diligent then be smart, being super brilliant isn't all it is cracked up to be). You are putting yourself down where I would bet pretty good money others don't see you the same way you see yourself.

People are not telling you this stuff to make you feel better, they are telling you it because they know what it feels like, they understand how hard it can be to gain confidence or deal with 'real life' and are trying to help make it easier for you and others. You owe it to yourself and also to anyone you want to have a relationship with to deal with this stuff, it will make for a happier future

 

[serpentwrap]

Sorry, I just got off work.

Okay, the verdict is that I'm not going to call her.

I totally, totally, respect your verdict. Dont let others tell you otherwise. Given the circumstances, this could well be the blessing in disguise that might have eluded you. I bet a sexier and more beautiful and far more loving Mary is just lurking around the corner.

All the very best, mate...

P.S: Someday when you find the perfect Mary for yourself, do send me a PM, or not...