She's way way.... WAY out of my league. How do I handle her?

[ohjanesays]

Now, on the other hand, I have another side of me. I have a whole new side that doesn't want to date or marry or have kids. The reason is because there are so many divorced people who have kids. So many marriages go down the toilet. I don't want that to happen to me. I've worked too hard to fail. I've worked too hard to go through the pain of divorcing a woman and leaving the kids with separate parents.

I could always just save up money and enjoy life. I can buy a nice house, a decent car, and just do whatever I want. I don't have to answer to anyone. I can be free. After all, even if I do enjoy the few years I love a girl... I may forget that I love her. Now THAT is a great and probable risk. It's not something that I want to live through.

Uh yeah, I never want to get married or have kids either because some pretty fucking terrible things happened to me up till your age, but that didn't stop me from having a relationship. A very healthy one at that. And you know that you can still save money and enjoy life and do all that you want, while still in a relationship right? I have all of that now. But if we grow apart, we will grow apart. Sounds like you just want some sort of fairytale happy romance. Even the most "perfect" of couples can grow apart just due to growing up, having different goals, whatever. It happens and it is not the end of the world as you make it seem.

I'm just wondering if you got rejected really bad before because I just don't understand where this low self esteem comes from. There hasn't been anything in your past that has seemed so bad that would make you be this way.

 

[Christopher2012]

Should have made your move sooner!!

Well I did sort of make a move... I just didn't make a very good move.

 

[Christopher2012]

Uh yeah, I never want to get married or have kids either because some pretty fucking terrible things happened to me up till your age, but that didn't stop me from having a relationship. A very healthy one at that. And you know that you can still save money and enjoy life and do all that you want, while still in a relationship right? I have all of that now. But if we grow apart, we will grow apart. Sounds like you just want some sort of fairytale happy romance. Even the most "perfect" of couples can grow apart just due to growing up, having different goals, whatever. It happens and it is not the end of the world as you make it seem.

I'm just wondering if you got rejected really bad before because I just don't understand where this low self esteem comes from. There hasn't been anything in your past that has seemed so bad that would make you be this way.

Well, I believe my wanna-get-married side would overpower my don't-wanna-get-married side in the case of having a long-term girlfriend. Because like you said, I'll probably believe it's perfect... assuming that happens, which it probably won't.

I got rejected one time about 3 months ago, and it was pretty bad. But it was a huge relief after the fact.

Like I said, it's the "yes" that's the killer.

 

[lili_fromtx]

Look at it this way:

If you never ask her out, you'll never get a date with her.

If you ask her you might.

You have nothing to lose. Nothing.

Most mature women (and she sounds like a cool, mature woman) if they aren't interested will just say "I'm flattered but I'm (seeing someone, not looking to date anyone right now, etc etc)." They'll let you down easy.

This isn't eighth grade where someone will make fun of you.

Ever go out and see an average guy with a gorgeous girl? You know the difference in him and you? He has a pair.

 

[Christopher2012]

Look at it this way:

If you never ask her out, you'll never get a date with her.

If you ask her you might.

You have nothing to lose. Nothing.

Most mature women (and she sounds like a cool, mature woman) if they aren't interested will just say "I'm flattered but I'm (seeing someone, not looking to date anyone right now, etc etc)." They'll let you down easy.

This isn't eighth grade where someone will make fun of you.

Ever go out and see an average guy with a gorgeous girl? You know the difference in him and you? He has a pair.

Again, the "yes" is worse than the "no." The "yes" is a nightmare in which I'm lost in a world full of demons trying to eat my brains and screaming "You're not fucking good enough you fucking fucker!" Or something like that.

 

[RobertBarre]

And like I said, a "Yes" would be the end of the world. The risk is much greater then.

So you're afraid of short-term failure (as are we all), but you are even *more* afraid of short-term success? If that's the case, then, yes, your panic and anxiety make sense.

So a lot of us have dispensed a lot of maybe useless advice that has in every case been deflected by your defenses. So let's turn this around. Clearly you are a very smart and analytical guy. How does this story end? How do you escape this debilitating pessimism and build something nice with someone?

 

[Christopher2012]

So you're afraid of short-term failure (as are we all), but you are even *more* afraid of short-term success? If that's the case, then, yes, your panic and anxiety make sense.

So a lot of us have dispensed a lot of maybe useless advice that has in every case been deflected by your defenses. So let's turn this around. Clearly you are a very smart and analytical guy. How does this story end? How do you escape this debilitating pessimism and build something nice with someone?

Well, I could always put my Colt Government Model 1911 to my head and pull the trigger. Just kidding.

Hmmm... I'll have to think about this one and get back to you.

 

[serpentwrap]

Well, I thought the same thing at one point. Looking back on every girl that I've ever liked, I thank God that I never actually landed any one of them.

True story.

Expect a PM about 45 years from now.

Nah, I should get a PM from you in less than 4.5 years from now. Mark my words, dude. Best

 

[ohjanesays]

Again, the "yes" is worse than the "no." The "yes" is a nightmare in which I'm lost in a world full of demons trying to eat my brains and screaming "You're not fucking good enough you fucking fucker!" Or something like that.

Haha, I think for most people, the "yes" is the best part. I used to feel that way, though maybe not as dramatic. But I just always thought maybe there was someone better for my boyfriend than me. Someone with a nice past, someone who could be x, y, z because I was not that. I pushed him away a lot thinking that way and if he weren't such a good guy, I probably would have pushed a great guy out of my life. For your sake, I hope Mary is like that.

So you got rejected...you're still all in one piece right? People still root for you even though you're pretty annoying in not taking anyone's advice.

 

[Christopher2012]

Haha, I think for most people, the "yes" is the best part. I used to feel that way, though maybe not as dramatic. But I just always thought maybe there was someone better for my boyfriend than me. Someone with a nice past, someone who could be x, y, z because I was not that. I pushed him away a lot thinking that way and if he weren't such a good guy, I probably would have pushed a great guy out of my life. For your sake, I hope Mary is like that.

So what happened in your past exactly, if you don't mind me asking? Just curious.

So you got rejected...you're still all in one piece right? People still root for you even though you're pretty annoying in not taking anyone's advice.

I literally LOLed. Even though I suck, I'm still awesome. You can't deny how amazing I am. Seriously, I tell my coworkers every day that they work with the best intern that exists. Sure, they laugh, but they know I'm the fucking shit. haha

 

[Christopher2012]

Nah, I should get a PM from you in less than 4.5 years from now. Mark my words, dude. Best

Watch, I'll be on my deathbed at 90-years-old and I'll see this beautiful nurse giving me a foley catheter. At that point, I'll PM you and tell you that I finally had intimacy with a woman.

 

[ohjanesays]

I literally LOLed. Even though I suck, I'm still awesome. You can't deny how amazing I am. Seriously, I tell my coworkers every day that they work with the best intern that exists. Sure, they laugh, but they know I'm the fucking shit. haha

If you could exude that sort of confidence normally, you would do just fine.

 

[Christopher2012]

If you could exude that sort of confidence normally, you would do just fine.

Well, I do.

Let me be very clear, I'm a very difficult person to interact with. I get along with everybody, and I show confidence. I just don't get personal with anybody. I have a loud engine but once rubber hits the road, there's no power.

People like me generally. I'm super funny but my negativity comes out eventually.

Mary liked me... well, she liked the part of me that she actually saw. I know for a fact that she wouldn't have liked the real me.

 

[njlauren]

Yeah, but you're assuming that she actually is interested based on what I've said. I believe that my perception is that she has shown interest yet I know better. I'm am at at 0% with women in my lifetime. I have verbally expressed interest in 4 women and I got shot down every time. My first semi-girlfriend doesn't count because she basically punched me in the face if I didn't tell her that I liked her.

How do you expect to get a girlfriend if you have a hard time even with friends? I don't even hang out with people outside of work and school. I'm boring.

Let's say I get a date with this girl. What do I say? "Well Mary, I don't really do a whole lot other than work and sit on a forum bitching about my life." I mean, come on dude... Getting a date with Mary would be infinitely more of a burden than her declining.

Life I said in the first place. I'm not putting her on a pedestal. I actually suck. What's interesting about me? Nothing. It doesn't matter if I have Asperger's or if I go to counseling. Nothing changes the fact that I have no life.

That's what I'm saying. And that's why my original question was "How do I handle her?" How do I manage my inability to be interesting?

First of all, it is likely you are not as boring as you think. Secondly, want to know how you become interesting, how you handle things? You go out and try to do things, you find things you can have an interest in and do it. Ever dawn on you that maybe studious, smart Mary has the same problem, and together you guys could learn together?

Want to know an interesting fact about my spouse and myself? We both had emotionally rough backgrounds (in different ways), neither of us was a social butterfly in high school, both pretty awkward, we met in school at 19 and formed a relationship.....got married......sometime later, when we were in our mid 30's, we had all kinds of shit to deal with, and got into therapy and such, dealing with our families, a young child and other things......want to know what a consulting psychiatrist who was handling anti depressants called us as a couple? A fucking anomaly, she said we shouldn't have been able to have a deep relationship with anyone, let alone each other, hearing what our background was like. If I hadn't of asked my now wife on a date (it wasn't anything special, went to the Christmas tree at Rockefeller center the night it was lit many moons ago), it never would have happened....we just passed our 24th anniversary and we will be together almost 30 years this winter.......I struck out with women all the time before I met my ever loving, it happens. And yeah, my sense of self esteem wasn't all that much better then yours, after being told by my wonderful family that I was a social retard and much worse growing up....

All I am trying to say is others have been in your position, the person who ends up with the trophy wife might have been a nerd at MIT who couldn't even get a date with the girls who went there, who generally have trouble getting a date because guys are really afraid of smart gals a lot of the time, because they were too shy to ask.....I am sure you are selling yourself short, would be willing to bet something in your childhood gave you the idea you are boring. Hell, even accountants get married and get laid, and quite frankly, they are boring.

 

[Goey]

You don't need to know what to do if she says yes. Her saying no is not a big deal, your making it a big deal.

Seriously this is getting stupid. Your just making excuses, crap ones at that, of why you can't, why every result is actually bad even if it's the desired one. Look you're not the only person like you, it happens. Don't dare for a second think "No one understands me, my life is so terrible and no one will love me" because there's 1000s of people in the same boat.

Your also using the "one" argument to avoid trying. There's a "10,000+" and events just happen to push you with one of them. With how chancy love is the idea of the one is just some destiny bollocks. Saying if "It it was meant to be it would happen" is self justification of lack of trying.

As for not liking all of you? What does it fucking matter? You can't say that for sure (unless you have a time machine) and people adapt AND it's not like you have to be some perfect being for her. She's just a person. Your just a person. Stop putting people on different levels in a system that only exist in your head.

I don't care if you don't take anyone's advice here, even though you couldn't even pay for some of the great advice you've been given, but if you keep whining like some school kid about how unfair life is because Mary might say no to a question you haven't asked I will personally kick you in the balls.

 

[serpentwrap]

but if you keep whining like some school kid about how unfair life is because Mary might say no to a question you haven't asked I will personally kick you in the balls.

Ouch! But yeah, this one is way up there... in the marquee... mother of all advices... This too, you deserve, in a non-malicious way, of course... )

 

[Christopher2012]

You don't need to know what to do if she says yes. Her saying no is not a big deal, your making it a big deal.

Seriously this is getting stupid. Your just making excuses, crap ones at that, of why you can't, why every result is actually bad even if it's the desired one. Look you're not the only person like you, it happens. Don't dare for a second think "No one understands me, my life is so terrible and no one will love me" because there's 1000s of people in the same boat.

Your also using the "one" argument to avoid trying. There's a "10,000+" and events just happen to push you with one of them. With how chancy love is the idea of the one is just some destiny bollocks. Saying if "It it was meant to be it would happen" is self justification of lack of trying.

As for not liking all of you? What does it fucking matter? You can't say that for sure (unless you have a time machine) and people adapt AND it's not like you have to be some perfect being for her. She's just a person. Your just a person. Stop putting people on different levels in a system that only exist in your head.

I don't care if you don't take anyone's advice here, even though you couldn't even pay for some of the great advice you've been given, but if you keep whining like some school kid about how unfair life is because Mary might say no to a question you haven't asked I will personally kick you in the balls.

You know what, Goey? You are exactly right. I need to quit making excuses.

So hey, listen. Are you doing anything Friday night? I know this nice little Tapas bar downtown called Jazz'd. Have you ever been there? Me and you should go.

 

[Goey]

You know what, Goey? You are exactly right. I need to quit making excuses.

So hey, listen. Are you doing anything Friday night? I know this nice little Tapas bar downtown called Jazz'd. Have you ever been there? Me and you should go.

If your buying (and paying my travel expenses) - yes.

In all seriousness I do go for the 'off the beaten track' guys so if you was near (and didn't start moaning about how terrible everything was or is going to be) and it was a 'friend date' (as I'm not single) I'd probably join you for some Ta-pas.

Hell I like being asked out, makes me feel desirable.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Why did you come here and ask for advice? You clearly had no intention of doing it? People have been really nice and supportive. Hell, I would normally be pretty brutal in a situation like this, but I've been relatively supportive and tried to give helpful advice. But seriously, why did you ask for the advice when you knew you'd never follow through? We feel cheated!!!

 

[Christopher2012]

I'm so pimp.

 

[Christopher2012]

Why did you come here and ask for advice? You clearly had no intention of doing it? People have been really nice and supportive. Hell, I would normally be pretty brutal in a situation like this, but I've been relatively supportive and tried to give helpful advice. But seriously, why did you ask for the advice when you knew you'd never follow through? We feel cheated!!!

Huh? What are you talking about?

Dude I gave it my best shot and got farther than I thought I would. I got her number and vaguely asked her to hang out. It was super hard and I tried to fight it. That's all I could do.

And you may feel cheated but you knew there was a chance I wouldnt be able to do it. I tried..

I promise that I'm way more disappointed than you. I'll never see this "perfect" girl again.

 

[Goey]

As soon as you put anybody on a pedestal you've already lost

 

[serpentwrap]

These are wise words. Goey, you should start charging Christopher...

 

[Christopher2012]

These are wise words. Goey, you should start charging Christopher...

Oh haven't you heard? Me and Goey are dating now.

Jeez man, where have you been the last 30 minutes? Under a rock?

 

[Goey]

Oh haven't you heard? Me and Goey are dating now.

Jeez man, where have you been the last 30 minutes? Under a rock?

Just remember when I tell you to cum on my face that means all of it. None on the floor or pillow, you waste a drop and I'll crush your balls. Your mine now - and that's just how it is.