Soft Dominance Discussion

[Nylonian]

Soft dom tends to work better as well for some people who don't respond well to being bossed around. It feels more subversive and cunning.

 

[OddLove]

I think soft dominance works beautifully in a more puppy-play-focused D/s relationship. It can also work well in a mommy/daddy and son/daughter type of roleplay dynamic if that's somebodies things.

But the reason I think it works particularly *well with puppy play is because that soft, kind, and caring demeanor paired with patience and dominance are essential behaviors a dominant needs in order to train their submissive puppy with positive reinforcements.

Positive reinforcement is a way to encourage good behavior without using techniques like punishment or scolding.

So instead of punishing your puppy for being disobedient, you simply ignore it, and don't give it the attention it craves. Then once your puppy is being obedient and doing as it's told, you reinforce it's good behaviors with attention and possibly even rewards such as head pats, belly rubs, ear and chin scratches, or a treat.

I'm a fan of soft dominance, and I think it's massively underrated. There's plenty of good boys and girls who want to submit to their owner/alpha/dominant, but they're not enthusiastic about things like degradation, humiliation, or masochism. And I believe a good dominant will make sure their submissive gets what they need out of the power exchange, whether that be pain and humiliation or love and a sense of security.

 

[jizzyjizzy]

That sounds so perfect, and sort of what I've experienced. Sometimes there was a firm hand during play sessions but more day to day there was the soft dominance. I never knew the term before or had it so clearly described

 

[Kevinjkson]

<dons flame-proof suit>

I never know quite how to respond to phrases like "soft Dominance." It is possible that I am taking this a bit OT, if so, my apologies. I also apologize in advance to those who will take offense at my thoughts - I mean no ill, and I am not trying to gaslight anyone.

In a world where the Dominant is expressing their natural personality, is allowing their true self to shine through; and that self happens to be "...more adept at using praise, physical touch, or emotional manipulation to reinforce the sub's obedience," I have no problem with it. We each find joy in our own expression of our Dominance. That is the essence of kink, of BDSM.

A submissive should choose to kneel at the feet of someone that they respect, someone whose style resonates with them. If a submissive prefers a lighter (or dare I say "softer") touch, that is their prerogative. If they want a hard core sadist, they should choose such a Dominant to submit to.

But I really struggle with the whole concept of a "pleasure Dom" (which I read as a service Top, ie someone who is pleasing their "submissive" and not themselves). Similarly with "Dominants" who adapt their behavior or expression of their Dominance in order to please their sub - for example by being "soft".

I realize that I am being controversial here, but a true natural Dominant pleases themselves. Sometimes they take a longer term view, and may meet their sub where the sub is in order to get the sub over a mental hump or through a rough patch in their training. But my Dominance is not a role or a game. It is me. It is, fundamentally, who I am. My amazing primary partner gets what she gets on any given day: she gets my good moods and my foul ones; she gets soft loving Master and harsh punishing Master. And it is not up to her. She offers her submission, and she gets what she gets. She can always lay down my collar and find another if she does not find peace and joy at my feet.

When I take on a trainee, we negotiate her limits up front. Inside of the sandbox created by those limits, she gets the true expression of my personality, of my Dominance. I may tune myself a bit to take her level of experience into account, but I never solve for her or her pleasure.

A service Top is not Dominant. They are there to please their bottom. A "Dominant" whose goal is the "pleasure" of their "sub" is not a Dominant at all in my view. I'm not sure what a "soft Dom" is - but if the "soft" part is anything other than a true natural expression of that Dominant's personality, then I do not see it as sincere.

 

[Spanky1372]

I think in this day and age every single bloody thing has to be boxed, catalogues and filed.

If you're a Dominant you're a Dominant.

Whether you use tasks, toys, words or whatever your kink is to gain Dominance over your submissive you'll find your way together.

On the part of the submissive lets not forget it's they who hold the power in the dynamic. You can be as Dominant as you want but you have a social, mental and physical contract to care for your submissive. The dynamic is based on trust; break that and you lose everything.

 

[PaxNurgle]

It depends I think what each sub responds to best, or even what the general mood is. Personally, I tend to find harsh dominance, degradation, and corporal play to be "Hot," but in certain circumstances, well, you catch more flies with honey than with explosives, as the saying goes. And sometimes that soft touch dominance is EXACTLY what you need- what WE need- for you to get your way and for your sub to be happy with you getting your way..

 

[Spanky1372]

[Quoted post removed by moderator]

That again is complex.

If my sub is satisfied then I'm both a happy and a strong ruler.

When you've found your sub there's no switching on or off you're always on.

I'm not sure how you'd be a weak ruler; it wouldn't be in my character.

As to hedonistic, aren't we all searching for sensual enjoyment in one form or another?

 

[Erosfan]

My late wife and I had an amazing life together. We loved each other with everything we had. I am into exhibitionism and CFNM, and she had some exhibitionist tendencies, so we played to each other's interests.
She knew my fantasies and took on a gentle Fem-dom mindset. She knew I was hers.
We had some great experiences between us. I'm not a cuck and she didn't want to share.
We made it work for us.

Call it what you want. If it works for you, it doesn't need a box or a strict set of rules.

 

[MsManagement]

ealize that I am being controversial here, but a true natural Dominant pleases themselves.

I disagree. A true martial dominant knows that their dominance comes with an ethical responsibility. The dominant is nothing without a submissive, like a King with no kingdom

 

[NivKay]

[Quoted post removed by moderator]

That’s very refreshing

 

[average_red]

some day I would like to find a woman I can be nice to without her punishing me for it.... but with all the things I have been through I'm odd enough that I can accept that might never happen.

 

[average_red]

A service Top is not Dominant. They are there to please their bottom. A "Dominant" whose goal is the "pleasure" of their "sub" is not a Dominant at all in my view. I'm not sure what a "soft Dom" is - but if the "soft" part is anything other than a true natural expression of that Dominant's personality, then I do not see it as sincere.

I disagree with a caveat. Sure service top isn't a dom, but pet owners can choose to do things that please their pets without loosing dominance. I can go for whatever I want, and ALSO genuinely enjoy bringing pleasure to MY woman/property/pet/sub.... AND I can also say, 'I don't enjoy drawing putting permanent scars on my sub, if you want that kind of dom, find someone else.' without loosing status as a dom.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

I don't belong into many dynamical stereotypes, but if I really thought I did, I would be a soft dominant...
I love praising people, I hate things like sph, humiliation, degrading, orgasm control...etc.

I do Love when the men obey, but not grovel.
Beg, but don't act like a sissy...

I love instructing men through fantasy..

I'm not sure I am an extreme dominant woman... But I'm definitely not a harsh one.

 

[Luci_nerdy_kink]

I don't belong into many dynamical stereotypes, but if I really thought I did, I would be a soft dominant...
I love praising people, I hate things like sph, humiliation, degrading, orgasm control...etc.

I do Love when the men obey, but not grovel.
Beg, but don't act like a sissy...

I love instructing men through fantasy..

I'm not sure I am an extreme dominant woman... But I'm definitely not a harsh one.

I don’t believe in degrading women…

Except a little bit of nasty talk, that’s kind of playful…

But anybody who actively tries to train a girl to think that she’s less than human is a monster.

Literally.

That’s coming from one of the worst people that I know. Me.

I don’t give a shit how much she believes she wants it or likes it…

That is learned behavior that somebody evil taught her and our job is to break it and build their self esteem back up… and unfortunately, some of these guys believe their job is just to break it down even more…

As far as I’m concerned anyway.

But I believe in a different kind of dominance because I believe it’s global not individual.

The angels like you are naturally dominant… no effort necessary because of your immense beauty

Anybody who said you needed to do more was a blasphemer and incorrect.

 

[SmilingLez]

Thoughts snap.
Eyes linger.
Words bite.
Silence binds.

Emotions twist.
Presence holds.
Intent strikes.
Will shapes.

No touch needed.
No force shown.
Mind commands.
All dominance is equal.

 

[Luci_nerdy_kink]

Thoughts snap.
Eyes linger.
Words bite.
Silence binds.

Emotions twist.
Presence holds.
Intent strikes.
Will shapes.

No touch needed.
No force shown.
Mind commands.
All dominance is equal.

It’s equal…

But unfortunately… the balance has to be maintained…

An imbalanced system will always want to collapse… unfortunately.

And when you’re dealing with quantum mechanics…

Which is essentially the sister science of poetry…

One of us has to be a little bit overly dominant and create the hierarchy needed…

But the world has a twisted view of what that means…

They’re used to thinking of a pyramid with the point at the top…

It’s supposed to look like a funnel…

Where the people experience all the joy and funnel all the pain down to the leader…

Not the other way around.

But your words are inspiring and beautiful nonetheless…

Because even though everyone else may not understand the divine influence of poetry…

The wisest men were all poets…

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
There is a field. I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
The world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
Doesn't make any sense.

- Rumi

And I know how to draw that poem in sacred geometric terms.

Or explain it in applied mathematics too…

Which I could talk about for hours, so I’m gonna shut up now.

That’s just a lot of words to say that I’m a monster and you’re a beautiful angel… and I’m fully devoted to every one of you

And unfortunately, no matter how many people tell me to stop or shut up…

Until the women are safe, I can’t.

Only one of us needs to risk their life for that and I’ll do it. It’s no problem to me…

I’ll do anything for a queen that I haven’t even met yet…

And these little dominant motherfuckers think that they’re men because they have to have a woman prove loyalty first…

No.

All the real men know that there are ways to test alleged dominance immediately…

I’m the only boy in my neighborhood that didn’t give up after being water boarded over and over for hours.

And that was when I was a scared little boy afraid of his own shadow.

Please assert dominance so I can go fuck.

Or everybody can have a nice day and I’ll handle it.

I’ve seen little black kids get SA’d right in front of me by their own 250 pound Father…

Because I tried to protect him.

Before I was a teenager.

So if I sound a little aggressive, sometimes I apologize.

But some of these boys are hurting women and that’s not allowed.

I’m either gonna have to talk to them or their fathers about it nicely.

And hope for the best.

If they don’t cooperate, I’ll pray for the once and be forced to make an impulsive decision I suppose.

But I’m Irish Catholic, so I think I’ll make the right decision.

If not, I’ll just say a Hail Mary and sleep like a baby.

You have a wonderful day now, and stay safe and cozy



P.s. I still can’t decide if this is soft or hard dominance…

But all the decisions are really left up to all the beautiful ladies, not me…

I’m just the one that creates the safe space for them to explore their dreams

While you nasty little boys hurt them and get to have all the good sex instead of me lol.

But I can give myself aftercare because I’m not a little bitch.

I just like it from a woman. Because their beauty inspires me.

 

[Mrs_and_mr]

My wife uses a mixture of both. There is a time and place for both.

 

[Luci_nerdy_kink]

My wife uses a mixture of both. There is a time and place for both.

And wouldn’t you say by doing so… almost like a dance…

By you letting her take the lead, you also experience and use a mixture of both almost instinctually?

 

[Mrs_and_mr]

It is but all relationships are different.

 

[Mrs_and_mr]

We are a Female led Marriage. In our relationship I’m submissive and she’s dominant. It’s not that way for one part of our lives it’s who we are. When we are out soft dominance comes to play. Thats not the only place but different situations call for different ways of expression.

 

[Luci_nerdy_kink]

We are a Female led Marriage. In our relationship I’m submissive and she’s dominant. It’s not that way for one part of our lives it’s who we are. When we are out soft dominance comes to play. Thats not the only place but different situations call for different ways of expression.

Oh ok so that’s basically my views if I were to marry and settle down.

Then I do understand it…

It’s just impossible for me to practice it anymore I suppose.

Because these lifestyle choices are a lifelong commitment when you get to that level of depth, in my opinion.

Thank you for explaining to me because I’m obviously this is very intense, but that goes along with my territory.

And would also goes along with my territory, is openness and merit…

Because real leadership is service leader leadership not the fake idea of “dominance”.

And there’s reasons that I can’t talk about… that a man has to lead the group rather than a family.

So I can see both sides now thank you so much.

 

[NikkiBoyd1989]

I disagree. A true martial dominant knows that their dominance comes with an ethical responsibility. The dominant is nothing without a submissive, like a King with no kingdom

I’m so much happier with a soft Domme

 

[lusciouslottie]

Yes, I understand soft dominance very well, @Sofia_2 In fact, I suspect many people underestimate how much authority can exist without intimidation.

When people first discover Female-Led Relationships or BDSM dynamics, there is often an assumption that dominance is measured by severity. More commands. More punishment. More humiliation. More visible displays of control. Yet some of the most profound forms of authority are almost invisible to outsiders.

A woman does not become less dominant because she says, "Sweetie, drink some water," instead of barking an order. Nor does she become less dominant because she guides rather than threatens. The question is not whether the words are gentle. The question is whether they are followed.

I have always believed that leadership is at its strongest when it creates security. A submissive who feels safe, understood, and emotionally connected is often far more willing to surrender than one who is merely afraid of consequences. Fear can produce compliance. Trust can produce devotion.

That does not mean softness is weakness. In many ways, emotional and psychological authority requires greater confidence. It is relatively easy to dominate through pressure. It is much harder to create a dynamic in which someone genuinely wants to follow because they value your guidance and feel better under it.

I also think people sometimes misunderstand praise. Praise is not the opposite of control. Praise is one of the most effective tools of control. When a woman communicates, "I noticed your effort," "I'm proud of you," or "You did well for me today," she is shaping behaviour every bit as surely as a punishment might. The difference is that she is building rather than breaking. She is reinforcing rather than correcting.

The same applies to affection, reassurance, and emotional intimacy. These are not necessarily alternatives to dominance. They can be expressions of dominance when they are offered deliberately by a woman who understands the influence she has.

What resonates with me in your description is the emphasis on care. Not because care is inherently dominant, but because caring leadership is often overlooked in discussions of power exchange. Many submissive men are not searching for humiliation. They are searching for structure, guidance, approval, accountability, and the feeling that someone they deeply respect is paying attention. A woman who can provide those things consistently possesses a very real form of authority.

So yes, I understand soft dominance. I understand the power of a gentle reminder. I understand the influence contained in a warm touch. I understand the effectiveness of praise. And I understand that sometimes the quietest expressions of authority create the deepest and most enduring submission.

After all, devotion rarely grows from fear alone. More often, it grows from feeling safe enough to surrender.

 

[JackVettriano]

Yes, I understand soft dominance very well, @Sofia_2 In fact, I suspect many people underestimate how much authority can exist without intimidation.

When people first discover Female-Led Relationships or BDSM dynamics, there is often an assumption that dominance is measured by severity. More commands. More punishment. More humiliation. More visible displays of control. Yet some of the most profound forms of authority are almost invisible to outsiders.

A woman does not become less dominant because she says, "Sweetie, drink some water," instead of barking an order. Nor does she become less dominant because she guides rather than threatens. The question is not whether the words are gentle. The question is whether they are followed.

I have always believed that leadership is at its strongest when it creates security. A submissive who feels safe, understood, and emotionally connected is often far more willing to surrender than one who is merely afraid of consequences. Fear can produce compliance. Trust can produce devotion.

That does not mean softness is weakness. In many ways, emotional and psychological authority requires greater confidence. It is relatively easy to dominate through pressure. It is much harder to create a dynamic in which someone genuinely wants to follow because they value your guidance and feel better under it.

I also think people sometimes misunderstand praise. Praise is not the opposite of control. Praise is one of the most effective tools of control. When a woman communicates, "I noticed your effort," "I'm proud of you," or "You did well for me today," she is shaping behaviour every bit as surely as a punishment might. The difference is that she is building rather than breaking. She is reinforcing rather than correcting.

The same applies to affection, reassurance, and emotional intimacy. These are not necessarily alternatives to dominance. They can be expressions of dominance when they are offered deliberately by a woman who understands the influence she has.

What resonates with me in your description is the emphasis on care. Not because care is inherently dominant, but because caring leadership is often overlooked in discussions of power exchange. Many submissive men are not searching for humiliation. They are searching for structure, guidance, approval, accountability, and the feeling that someone they deeply respect is paying attention. A woman who can provide those things consistently possesses a very real form of authority.

So yes, I understand soft dominance. I understand the power of a gentle reminder. I understand the influence contained in a warm touch. I understand the effectiveness of praise. And I understand that sometimes the quietest expressions of authority create the deepest and most enduring submission.

After all, devotion rarely grows from fear alone. More often, it grows from feeling safe enough to surrender.

This is genuinely an incredible post.

People, if you think you are a Dom read this and understand it. Then thank this wonderful insightful beautiful lady for posting it.

 

[JordynRose]

Yes, I call her “Mommy” as she wishes.