Submissive/Slave Haven

[intothewoods]

I'm glad EG and FM weighed in. It's nice to hear from the Doms.

 

[Lamont Cranston]

I'll be answering from the male Dominant perspective (of course... ):

And doing a great job of expressing it. Thank you.

That's 6 or 7 of US that's lost our submissives also. For any number of reasons. Frustration, realization that it just isn't going to work, desire to protect them from some other hell going on in our lives, loss of interest, the awareness that "Holly shit, I'm freaking responsible and that's way more than I bargained for...", she lied to me, she's cheated on me, whatever... Oh yeah, we feel lost, hurt, sad, lonely, disappointed, burned, frustrated.

Particularly if we've invested the time and emotional energy to get to know the person we've been having a relationship with. And if we haven't then you shouldn't need to be 'released' -- you should have already run like the wind.

But generally speaking, guys are trained from birth to NOT air our dirty laundry and pour our feelings out for the general public to dissect. That's "unmanly", it's "weak", it "ain't what John Wayne would do..." In otherwords, we stifle it.

The open, honest, secure, decent ones do. But there is this HUGE number of guys on here that are ONLY role-playing. They are NOT DOMINANTS. THEY ARE PLAYING GAMES FOR THEIR AMUSEMENT/ENTERTAINMENT ONLY. And THEY assume you are doing these things for the same reason they are. In otherwords, you're looking for fantasy fuel/entertainment. Then, all of a sudden, they find out someone has developed genuine feelings for the character they have been portraying in this OL fantasy game they have been playing, and "Oh shit! This is NOT where I was expecting this to go...."
What happens is this tremendous disconnect between your reality and expectations, and theirs. They may be playing games, you're investing your heart, soul and sense of self in them. They are looking for grins and giggles and stuff to jerk off by. You are looking for love, intimacy, a relationship, dialog, belonging...
And unfortunately, not everyone is up front about what they really want.

The more I read on this and various other sections of Lit the more I see this on both sides, but I'll admit I notice it more with the "Doms" particularly outside this section.

Experienced "Doms" aren't any better at mind reading than the newbie ones are. They MIGHT get better at reading non-verbal communication cues with experience, but online, there AREN'T ANY. Rut-roh... All we have to go by is what the submissive tells us.

And if we were mind readers we could make a ton of money doing other things -- anyone remember Karnack (sp?) the role from the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson -- sealed envelope "the answer is". I don't thinks Doms should try to read minds any more than subs should -- sorry, I can't do the P/p thing. Neither side should assume or guess -- both of you should want to know, particularly before you start to 'play.'

But again... keep in mind that the overwhelming vast majority of "Dominants" OL are not, in fact, Dominants at all. They are HNG's playing a game. Nothing more.

I'll give him an amen there.

The good ones do feel the loss. But again, we're taught to not express it. We're taught to "suck it up, be a man, don't cry, don't be a wimp..." etc, etc, ad nauseum. What does it tell the world when we have to realease a submissive? That WE, as a Dominant, could not keep our House in order, that WE failed to properly train, instruct, or meet the needs of our submissive, that WE didn't know enough, care enough, communicate enough, whatever, to keep that submissive we were bragging about not so long ago.
For the not-so-good ones, well... after the third or fourth failed relationship in a fairly short period of time, it tells us that at best, they are jumping into relationships with incompatible partners far to quickly, and at worst, they're a player (and not in the good sense), not a "keeper."
Spend time getting to KNOW someone before you give them your heart. Get their history, past partners, find out WHY they say their past relationships failed... Helloooooo... if his last 4 relationships lasted 6 - 8 months each, don't expect YOURS to last much longer... Granted, those past relationships may have been a case of incompatible people jumping in too quick, but what makes you think you are that special/different that HE isn't going to make the same mistakes he has been making all along, hhhhmmm?
Take time, investigate them as a person in depth. their politics, their family, their religious values, their music, their reading habits, their TV shows, the movies they like, etc, etc. What do they really want out of this? Do they really want a relationship, do they want 24/7? Look for consistency, look for reality, not just fantasy in their answers. Players will say what they think you want to hear, the real one's tell you the warts, the scars, their failures, their weaknesses...

And look for someone who is going to continue the give and take of teaching and learning well beyond the seduction process. Everyone may get tired of hearing that communication is the key -- and some would say duh, that's true in every relationship -- but frankly, I've found that for me and IMHO -- whatever other qualification is necessary -- it doesn't happen as often or well in most vanilla relationships as it does in our kinky world -- good for us! And if you aren't finding it in a D/s courtship and relationship it is again, time to run very fast in the other direction. And yeah, I have to further agree with EG...

And it's STILL a crapshoot.
From OUR side too.

 

[intothewoods]

I need a little support today. I ended up hurting the feelings of two friends last night, and I feel awful about it. I was so into my own hurt, that I didn't really think about whether I can emotionally handle intimacy right now. I can't. Argh. I thought that could be my escape, but it can't be.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

I need a little support today. I ended up hurting the feelings of two friends last night, and I feel awful about it. I was so into my own hurt, that I didn't really think about whether I can emotionally handle intimacy right now. I can't. Argh. I thought that could be my escape, but it can't be.

If they are true friends, they'll understand that you are in some pain right now and were just lashing out. If they aren't the friends that they claim to be, then you are better off finding out now rather than later.

I lashed out the other day at someone (due to some physical pain) who claimed to be a friend but found out it was just a case of fair-weather friendship - am glad to be rid of the acquaintance.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I need a little support today...

{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}

 

[intothewoods]

If they are true friends, they'll understand that you are in some pain right now and were just lashing out. If they aren't the friends that they claim to be, then you are better off finding out now rather than later.

I lashed out the other day at someone (due to some physical pain) who claimed to be a friend but found out it was just a case of fair-weather friendship - am glad to be rid of the acquaintance.

It's not that. I'm not the only one in pain in this world.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

It's not that. I'm not the only one in pain in this world.

Never said you had a corner on the market.. but what's that saying? "A friend in need, is a friend indeed."

I know you feel bad about lashing out and all.. if you didn't then you obviously didn't value the relationship. You're going through a tough time right now.. and quite frankly should be allowed some latitude; your time will come when you're on the receiving end and how you react then will be the same test of friendship that happened when you lashed out.

 

[nh23]

I need a little support today. I ended up hurting the feelings of two friends last night, and I feel awful about it. I was so into my own hurt, that I didn't really think about whether I can emotionally handle intimacy right now. I can't. Argh. I thought that could be my escape, but it can't be.

Hugs.. i'm sorry your hurting.

 

[HottieMama]

I need a little support today. I ended up hurting the feelings of two friends last night, and I feel awful about it. I was so into my own hurt, that I didn't really think about whether I can emotionally handle intimacy right now. I can't. Argh. I thought that could be my escape, but it can't be.

ITW..i'm sorry...If you need an ear, PM me.

 

[HottieMama]

If they are true friends, they'll understand that you are in some pain right now and were just lashing out. If they aren't the friends that they claim to be, then you are better off finding out now rather than later.

I lashed out the other day at someone (due to some physical pain) who claimed to be a friend but found out it was just a case of fair-weather friendship - am glad to be rid of the acquaintance.

Seriously, being in pain isn't an excuse to be an asshole to anyone for any reason. While your "friend" may have indeed been "fair-weather," it is also quite possible that they were hurt by the way you treated them.

 

[RawHumor]

Seriously, being in pain isn't an excuse to be an asshole to anyone for any reason. While your "friend" may have indeed been "fair-weather," it is also quite possible that they were hurt by the way you treated them.

We all have had moments when we've said things that we've regretted afterward... sometimes as soon as the words were out of our mouths.

I'm not above apologizing to people for such words. One can only hope that the friendship can endure... generally whether or not it endures depends upon the strength of the friendship before the words were spoken and the severity of the words.

 

[JupitersGirl]

Seriously, being in pain isn't an excuse to be an asshole to anyone for any reason. While your "friend" may have indeed been "fair-weather," it is also quite possible that they were hurt by the way you treated them.

I totally agree. Everyone lashes out, and it is usually against the people they most care about, but if they aren't sorry or haven't made it plain that they really hold no ill will again the friend, how is the friend to know. Friend <> mind reader.

I think itw's statement was wise. She isn't the only one in the world in pain and hard as that is sometimes, they shouldn't be the brunt of your pain.

Wish I could do something to make it better, itw. (((((((((hug))))))))

 

[intothewoods]

Thanks, all. I apologized, and I think it will blow over. I just feel lousy right now, in no small part because I was sort of sucking up all this attention to avoid feeling the hurt of my marriage ending. Today feels pretty low. Although it also feels like where I need to be.

 

[FluteMaster]

Sometimes, when a friend is hurt and lets off steam in my direction, I back off for a bit in order not to crowd them. But I do that because I care.

However, I also understand that sometimes that friend thinks that they have hurt me and driven me away.

Only time can prove my friends wrong and the chance for me to show some kindness.

Real friends absorb and forgive the hurt when they recognise it, fair weather friends use it to build a wall of silence.

{{{hugs}}} ITW.

 

[intothewoods]

Well, I think I'm going to take a little break from my local group. I seem to keep irking people there in whatever I do. To me it seems obvious that a person going through a separation might be a little conflicted about playing. But I get the feeling I'm wasting everyone's time because I don't know what I want. Of course I don't know what I want!

I know part of me wants to explore so that my marriage didn't break up in vain. To make sure there's really something there to explore. But I don't know, so far it all seems to end with me pissed off and pissing everyone else off. So it's just not worth it. Hey, the scene isn't going anywhere. Time for a break.

 

[Velvet Bubbles]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs for ITW))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[intothewoods]

Thanks, Velvet. I feel okay actually. It's just time to chill for a while, you know?

 

[CutieMouse]

Well, I think I'm going to take a little break from my local group. I seem to keep irking people there in whatever I do. To me it seems obvious that a person going through a separation might be a little conflicted about playing. But I get the feeling I'm wasting everyone's time because I don't know what I want. Of course I don't know what I want!

I know part of me wants to explore so that my marriage didn't break up in vain. To make sure there's really something there to explore. But I don't know, so far it all seems to end with me pissed off and pissing everyone else off. So it's just not worth it. Hey, the scene isn't going anywhere. Time for a break.

Ya know what? I firmly believe that even if you never end up in a power based relationship (I happen to believe you will, but for argument's sake...), your marriage won't have ended in vain. If you can't be true to yourself, or are having to hide a part of who you are just to be accepted by the man who is supposed to live and cherish you for *all* of you, then it's not really worth it to be in that place, putting on a happy smile, ya know?

You have all the time in the world to explore, and (IMO) the exploration will be all the better for taking a little while to get a feel for what you want in Life.

 

[timaea]

how do i go about finding an experienced submissive woman to ask questions, give advice, etc...?
i'm a 30 year old submissive woman who is inexperienced.....master and i are having some communication problems, and i've been allowed to ask questions to another submissive woman....i think it might help me to serve master better....i understand that all relationships are different...i'm just trying to learn....i know i can ask questions in this forum, but would prefer someone to maybe have some private correspondance with, as well....

 

[DVS]

how do i go about finding an experienced submissive woman to ask questions, give advice, etc...?
i'm a 30 year old submissive woman who is inexperienced.....master and i are having some communication problems, and i've been allowed to ask questions to another submissive woman....i think it might help me to serve master better....i understand that all relationships are different...i'm just trying to learn....i know i can ask questions in this forum, but would prefer someone to maybe have some private correspondance with, as well....

It might be better for you to ask this in the BDSM Talk forum, as it is the more serious of the two BDSM forums. Or, maybe a mod could do the honors of that for you, if it's possible to just move a post. Are the mods reading this?

If you end up posting again, create a thread in the BDSM Talk forum, and just ask in the same way you have here. Someone is bound to answer you and probably communicate with you in PM, if you prefer. We have a lot of submissives that hang around here...

IF ONE OF THEM WOULD PLEASE POST AN ANSWER, that would be nice.

You have to raise your voice, sometimes...to get their attention. A Dom's job is never done, it seems.

 

[CutieMouse]

how do i go about finding an experienced submissive woman to ask questions, give advice, etc...?
i'm a 30 year old submissive woman who is inexperienced.....master and i are having some communication problems, and i've been allowed to ask questions to another submissive woman....i think it might help me to serve master better....i understand that all relationships are different...i'm just trying to learn....i know i can ask questions in this forum, but would prefer someone to maybe have some private correspondence with, as well....

Honestly? Start a thread in BDSM Talk - just as our brilliant DVS suggested.

You'll get a variety of responses (although you won't be able to control who answers to submissive only), and threads like that usually spark interesting conversations, which take all sorts of twists and turns. If you have a PM conversation, you get one perspective which might not be what you seek; if you have an open discourse in a thread, you get half a dozen or more perspectives, which you can then use to pick and choose from to help with your situation.

 

[timaea]

thank you very much, both of you...i will post in bdsm talk and see what happens.....

 

[Velvet Bubbles]

I've discovered a way to lock the collar Master gave me while visiting him onto me (it's NOT a locking collar). Right now, living alone, locking it on is only a symbol. But, He'll be visiting me soon. He will be changing the combination when he gets here & locking it on for real! <very happy wiggles> It's moments like this when I feel like there's something wrong w/me. I mean, come on, the idea of being LOCKED into this thing? No "normal" person would be wanting this. <sighs> Here I get totally turned on by the idea. Literally not being able to take it off until HE decides that I can. It makes me melt. I know, I know. I'm thinking way too much again. I'm an analyst! I can't help it. It took me ages to figure out why I enjoy being submissive - I find it relaxing. Haven't quite figured out why certain things, like this, turn me on yet though.

 

[HottieMama]

I've discovered a way to lock the collar Master gave me while visiting him onto me (it's NOT a locking collar). Right now, living alone, locking it on is only a symbol. But, He'll be visiting me soon. He will be changing the combination when he gets here & locking it on for real! <very happy wiggles> It's moments like this when I feel like there's something wrong w/me. I mean, come on, the idea of being LOCKED into this thing? No "normal" person would be wanting this. <sighs> Here I get totally turned on by the idea. Literally not being able to take it off until HE decides that I can. It makes me melt. I know, I know. I'm thinking way too much again. I'm an analyst! I can't help it. It took me ages to figure out why I enjoy being submissive - I find it relaxing. Haven't quite figured out why certain things, like this, turn me on yet though.

Add me to the list of abnormal people then. i cherish the idea of being owned that completely at some point.

 

[naxalite0906]

Add me to the list of abnormal people then. i cherish the idea of being owned that completely at some point.

Just like I cherish the idea of owning someone in that way too..

It is definitely a two way thing here..

Sorry if I am trespassing in this thread.. lol..