Tallulah's OMD

[Pad_Foot]

Hmmm? No post for a while?
Hope you find your grove again soon

 

[TomTeacher19]

Missing you T

 

[Mrtenant]

Missing you T

That's MrT, and thanks, missing you too.

 

[Tallulah82]

Ok, let's do this. The update.

Firstly, the marriage is still open.
Secondly, I've not had a second meet yet - hoping the next one planned happens but we're having car issues so I may not be able to go. We'll see.
Thirdly - and kind of most importantly, my husband has been having some big learning curves and has now plateaued, which I'm grateful for. I'll break this down.

Husband was gung-ho (with my initial support), but it did get to the point where our conversations always seemed to lead back to the OM. No matter what subject it was, he seemed to make a link and bring it up. It got tiresome and eventually irritating to me. So, we made an agreement that the OM would only be talked about at specific times, if we needed to address specific things. I want the OM to feel more organic and it was bulldozing everything.

At one point, I genuinely feared that it had changed him so much that I didn't recognise my own husband. That was a worrying time.

He's had 3 or 4 meets (I lose track) with the same woman - though one was a group situation. And amongst that, he did the thing that I was expecting him to do which is invest himself more into it at a fast rate, rather than taking the fun of sex at face value. Guess what... he got his feelings hurt. From his side of the story, he's done nothing wrong except make assumptions. I believe him because he was acting like we've seen many do on here - to be too caught up in the thrill of it all and to feel all our feelings so hard and fast when new things happen.

He came back down to earth with a big bump and had to tend to his bruised ego as much as anything else. After some reflection on his experiences, he declared that he was stepping back from the OM activity.

Again, I wasn't surprised. But I was a bit cautious as I do have plans set and I wasn't happy with the idea that because I didn't work as fast as he did, then I could miss out on my plans if he wanted to shut it all down there and then.

Fortunately, he has not declared that he wants to close up and revert. However, I wouldn't be surprised if this is a topic for discussion a bit later down the line once my plans have happened.

IF this does happen, I'm prepared for it. This was never my idea and it's super cliched that a husband opens it, only to close it when things go wrong on his part. But... I will fully respect it if this is what happens and I won't put up a fight about it. But who knows, he may surprise me further by keeping it open and then re-entering his own activities but with a lesson learned and applied so that next time, he can have the fun without the drama.

 

[deft]

You are such a grown-up... I am in awe. You are handling this whole situation so well.

 

[tallladiesman]

Ok, let's do this. The update.

Firstly, the marriage is still open.
Secondly, I've not had a second meet yet - hoping the next one planned happens but we're having car issues so I may not be able to go. We'll see.
Thirdly - and kind of most importantly, my husband has been having some big learning curves and has now plateaued, which I'm grateful for. I'll break this down.

Husband was gung-ho (with my initial support), but it did get to the point where our conversations always seemed to lead back to the OM. No matter what subject it was, he seemed to make a link and bring it up. It got tiresome and eventually irritating to me. So, we made an agreement that the OM would only be talked about at specific times, if we needed to address specific things. I want the OM to feel more organic and it was bulldozing everything.

At one point, I genuinely feared that it had changed him so much that I didn't recognise my own husband. That was a worrying time.

He's had 3 or 4 meets (I lose track) with the same woman - though one was a group situation. And amongst that, he did the thing that I was expecting him to do which is invest himself more into it at a fast rate, rather than taking the fun of sex at face value. Guess what... he got his feelings hurt. From his side of the story, he's done nothing wrong except make assumptions. I believe him because he was acting like we've seen many do on here - to be too caught up in the thrill of it all and to feel all our feelings so hard and fast when new things happen.

He came back down to earth with a big bump and had to tend to his bruised ego as much as anything else. After some reflection on his experiences, he declared that he was stepping back from the OM activity.

Again, I wasn't surprised. But I was a bit cautious as I do have plans set and I wasn't happy with the idea that because I didn't work as fast as he did, then I could miss out on my plans if he wanted to shut it all down there and then.

Fortunately, he has not declared that he wants to close up and revert. However, I wouldn't be surprised if this is a topic for discussion a bit later down the line once my plans have happened.

IF this does happen, I'm prepared for it. This was never my idea and it's super cliched that a husband opens it, only to close it when things go wrong on his part. But... I will fully respect it if this is what happens and I won't put up a fight about it. But who knows, he may surprise me further by keeping it open and then re-entering his own activities but with a lesson learned and applied so that next time, he can have the fun without the drama.

You are a very brave woman
Complete respect

 

[Tallulah82]

You are such a grown-up... I am in awe. You are handling this whole situation so well.

I think Lit has taught me so much over the years that I'm generally blasé about sex and I'm aware of how to handle my own emotional ties.
I completely recognise that he's at the beginning of his own journey into the delights and horrors that await deviant newbies and I have to give him space and time to figure it out.
It's tested my patience, for sure. And as I said, I was genuinely worried at one point that I'd lost my husband to this. He dumped all of his usual extra-curricular activities to focus on sex instead. He also took an actual strop one night when I said no to sex - something he's never done. He was not the man I knew.

We've had our challenges, but credit to him that he's always listened to my concerns and has tried to do better. And this is what's making it work.

 

[Tallulah82]

You are a very brave woman
Complete respect

Brave. Foolish. Very thin line.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Brave. Foolish. Very thin line.

You are my people

 

[BongoGal]

He also took an actual strop…

I had to look up that phrase.

 

[NC_Coastal]

I did too.

 

[LatinaCarmen1980]

I think Lit has taught me so much over the years that I'm generally blasé about sex and I'm aware of how to handle my own emotional ties.
I completely recognise that he's at the beginning of his own journey into the delights and horrors that await deviant newbies and I have to give him space and time to figure it out.
It's tested my patience, for sure. And as I said, I was genuinely worried at one point that I'd lost my husband to this. He dumped all of his usual extra-curricular activities to focus on sex instead. He also took an actual strop one night when I said no to sex - something he's never done. He was not the man I knew.

We've had our challenges, but credit to him that he's always listened to my concerns and has tried to do better. And this is what's making it work.

The day either of you stop trying, stop experimenting, and stop focusing on each other is the day a marriage dies.

I had... Have a lot of trauma I'm still working through and even though it was sexual in nature, I've not once NOT wanted my husband. But to say it out loud? Yeah, that's actually fairly new to me (maybe started about 5 years ago).

My point is, marriage is supposed to be work. Anyone who says marriage or sex in marriage is easy is a damn liar.

Steps off my soap box

 

[Olderwiserstillhorny]

The day either of you stop trying, stop experimenting, and stop focusing on each other is the day a marriage dies.

I had... Have a lot of trauma I'm still working through and even though it was sexual in nature, I've not once NOT wanted my husband. But to say it out loud? Yeah, that's actually fairly new to me (maybe started about 5 years ago).

My point is, marriage is supposed to be work. Anyone who says marriage or sex in marriage is easy is a damn liar.

Steps off my soap box

When you stop trying, seems it comes to the end, truer words never spoken

 

[dkak001]

The day either of you stop trying, stop experimenting, and stop focusing on each other is the day a marriage dies.

While I completely agree with this one, as it's effectivley what I've said for years.

My point is, marriage is supposed to be work. Anyone who says marriage or sex in marriage is easy is a damn liar.

But I will say this isn't always true. While there are times it can be work, but doesn't have to be.
If for no other reason than a small detail in your first point. Trying.

Trying and succeeding are different. Trying is intent. If the intent is there, that's what makes it.

 

[Pad_Foot]

He "took a strop".... not a strap... or strapon.
OK.................. I took that to mean something entirely different.
That might have been an interesting turn, if you were both into "it"
Hard if you not into "punishing" him... or switching.

 

[Tallulah82]

He "took a strop".... not a strap... or strapon.
OK.................. I took that to mean something entirely different.
That might have been an interesting turn, if you were both into "it"
Hard if you not into "punishing" him... or switching.

Hey Paddy, not seen you around lately. I hope you're keeping well.

Also, no comment on the strap-on thing. But I may own one.

 

[Pad_Foot]

Hey Paddy, not seen you around lately. I hope you're keeping well.

Also, no comment on the strap-on thing. But I may own one.

No comment on my reaction to this revelation!!
Do you have anyone who partakes?

 

[Tallulah82]

No comment on my reaction to this revelation!!
Do you have anyone who partakes?

Well, what's the point in owning one if it doesn't get used, huh?

 

[Pad_Foot]

Well, what's the point in owning one if it doesn't get used, huh?

Swooon

 

[liliput1]

Ok, let's do this. The update.

Firstly, the marriage is still open.

Guess what... he got his feelings hurt. From his side of the story, he's done nothing wrong except make assumptions.

I don't know if ethical non-monogamy actually has a cardinal rule but that's pretty close to it if there is. You have to talk. It's really boring and unsexy. But it's the cover charge for the venue.

I described a threesome yesterday, and I was a big ol' Debbie Downer about how stupid we were about it and how lucky we were we didn't fuck anything or anybody up in the process. There was waaay too much weight put on leaving dead air for someone to speak now or forever hold their peace, instead of talking things out like adults. There was a little turbulence after but it would have been a lot with any different personalities, or different choices at all. I had to guess that my partner didn't want me to take things farther, and the thank you she gave me the next day told me how big of a land mine I hadn't stepped on.

I've heard advice from multiple sources that it's a good idea to limit encounters with the same people to two, with a long time gap to a third, and a longer to a fourth, at least until you get yourself sorted out and understand your feelings.

I think there's some of this which is like your first love. There's no precedent in your brain for processing either these emotions or the neurochemicals, and you're just sort of going down the rapids hoping for the best. Next time you'll actually know to be scared, but eventually you'll make it look easy, or die trying.