Tallulah's OMD

[Apisto42]

I know, right???! I don't care if you're being sarcastic.

He is so blasé or whatever about shit, it's frustrating at times to point these things out.

"Darling, no, no-one wants to eat your sex snacks. I have no idea what state your fingers were in when you were taking a biscuit out of the pack. NO! I don't want to know the details!!!! ARGH!!"

I wasn’t being sarcastic, though I totally understand why you might have thought that!

And yeah, agree. Just no.

 

[Tallulah82]

It is time for you to have your weekend sex meet. Do you have someone in mind?

I have my first weekend away booked for the end of January with a Lit friend whom I've known for at least 3 years. We're both excited and nervous about it.

 

[hotoldrguy]

I have my first weekend away booked for the end of January with a Lit friend whom I've known for at least 3 years. We're both excited and nervous about it.

Sounds like a great time to look forward to

 

[Tallulah82]

Sounds like a great time to look forward to

It will be. Regardless of what happens, we both know that we'll enjoy each other's company and it'll be wonderful to meet in person after all this time. So even if nothing really down and dirty happens, it'll make it easier the next time because we'll have broken the big stress of meeting.

At the very least, I get to hang out and explore some of his city with him. That sounds like a wonderful weekend anyway

 

[bobb_sledd]

I never have thoughts...



Well, he went and returned so that's all ok on that front.

We haven't talked about it (as per my preference). But he did exactly what I wanted which was to leave it at the door, and return to home/family life without a fuss.

There was one tiny little issue I had (stop rolling your eyes! I know I'm hard work!!!) and that was about food. Food? You say. Yes, food I say. He was staying in a hotel. He bought snacks. Some snacks were not finished so he brought them home.

I have a bit of a cringe attitude towards the sex snacks. He's put them in the cupboard to merge with all other snacks but I'm a bit... "ew, they're snacks you've eaten naked with someone". I haven't raised this issue (yet) as I'm trying to figure out if I can get over myself about it, or if I need to say that sex snacks are either eaten before home or thrown out before home.

This can also be resolved by him learning in time how many sex snacks he actually needs to buy and not overbuying.

But, keeping focused on the positive - he returned home and got on with family shit and did not strut or swagger or anything that would make me doubt his ability to juggle both in life. Phew!!!

I'm glad for you both that it seems to be working out so far.

On the snack front -- I think it's reasonable that he not bring his sex snacks into the joint-household. Just tell him where you stand on that.

 

[dkak001]

On the snack front -- I think it's reasonable that he not bring his sex snacks into the joint-household. Just tell him where you stand on that.

Yeah, and if they smell "off", absolutely don't eat them!

 

[hotoldrguy]

I know, right???! I don't care if you're being sarcastic.

He is so blasé or whatever about shit, it's frustrating at times to point these things out.

"Darling, no, no-one wants to eat your sex snacks. I have no idea what state your fingers were in when you were taking a biscuit out of the pack. NO! I don't want to know the details!!!! ARGH!!"

Is bringing home sex snacks like bringing home her panties?

 

[MissRadiant]

It will be. Regardless of what happens, we both know that we'll enjoy each other's company and it'll be wonderful to meet in person after all this time. So even if nothing really down and dirty happens, it'll make it easier the next time because we'll have broken the big stress of meeting.

At the very least, I get to hang out and explore some of his city with him. That sounds like a wonderful weekend anyway

I love the fact you are keeping the positive even if nothing happens attitude. Enjoy the wonderful weekend.

 

[Tallulah82]

Sex Snacks Update:

We've had a little chat about the sex snacks. It hadn't occurred to him (of course) that I would cringe against what happened. We had a bit of a chuckle about it - that of all the shit we've talked about and prepared for... sex snacks were not on either of our radars before it happened.
So, it's now agreed that more care must be taken on the quantity - for less waste. And that if they're not finished/thrown out, then they are to be 'stashed' for that person to use in their next time away.

I also brought up an issue that was bugging me (WHAT? Another damned issue? FFS Tallulah!). I'd noticed on the weeks before that his car was not exactly clean... (bearing in mind that his car is our family holiday one so it gets hammered with kids and crap on a regular basis). I'd casually asked if he was going to clean the car - in case she gets in it. He was very indignant on his 'yes, of course'.

The other day - after the event - I got in his car and noticed there was still a fine sheen of dust on the dashboard. I commented on it (because I'm a big mouth) and he said he'd cleaned it but what he meant was he'd vacuumed it. Yes, he had. But not even a cloth over the dashboard.

SO... I said to him that I'm absolutely torn about this.
On one side, I am not going to make this yet another issue that I have to push him on... and if she gets in his car and judges him to be a slob etc, then that's on him if he's not going to help himself on portraying this image of a man who's got his shit together.
On the other side, he is a reflection of me (in the most vain way). I am not happy that my husband appears to be a scruffy ass. I mean, he is - but I don't want her to think I'm ok with that. So, basically, this is her opinion of me through him.

I've told him I'm absolutely 50/50 on this and so I'm going to let him be the scruffy ass and tough luck if that turns her off. But I thought I'd give him that heads up that women may judge him for his cleanliness (he himself is well groomed but damn, he's blind to his surroundings).

Overall, I feel like we've turned a corner. I know I still have my first weekend away to come, but it feels good to have broken through that big hurdle of 'The First'.

(And I praised him for his behaviour when he came home - in a non-patronising, non-domme way, calm down )

 

[bobb_sledd]

I'm very much out of the loop, so I really need to ask... Is that term a euphemism?

In leu of reading the thread from the beginning, refer to post #175.

 

[Tallulah82]

A Surprise Moment:

Today I've discovered that my husband has groomed himself in ways that he's *never* done so before.

Here's how it went...

He said he was going to off to groom (beard etc that he does weekly) and did the stroking beard action, which then I said "I'm glad you did the beard thing because otherwise I'd have thought you meant" - and then I did the crotch action, to which he replied "I did that the other day."

I was joking, and this caught me 100% off guard because never ever in our 25+ marriage has he ever manscaped his body. Ever.

I confess that I didn't react well. I kind of closed up and said 'ok' and he picked up on it, and tried to explain the whys. I shut him down and said "you've done it for other women, I get it." He tried to argue that wasn't the case - but I was more insistent and said "Stop - you've never ever done this and suddenly you are- you are doing it for other people - that's it."

He went quiet and left to do his beard. And I spent half an hour thinking about this and my reaction.

When he came back, I apologised. I said that I didn't actually have a problem with it but I was blindsided by it. And I'm still getting used to him being different to whom I've known all these years. It smarts to feel like he's putting effort in for other people and but never thought me worthy of the effort - but he's explained that being in a sex based community now, he's been encouraged by others (men and women) to put this effort in as a general thing.

He in turn apologised to me for not doing these things "for me" (his words) before, and for shutting down more adventurous sex ideas when I tried to make changes in years gone by. He has spent his life being 'conservative' in the bedroom and is still learning how to be more open minded.

It's still small steps, and being surprised by things I wasn't expecting. I should try to handle being blindsided better instead of shutting down. But all is good.

 

[hotoldrguy]

A Surprise Moment:

Today I've discovered that my husband has groomed himself in ways that he's *never* done so before.

Here's how it went...

He said he was going to off to groom (beard etc that he does weekly) and did the stroking beard action, which then I said "I'm glad you did the beard thing because otherwise I'd have thought you meant" - and then I did the crotch action, to which he replied "I did that the other day."

I was joking, and this caught me 100% off guard because never ever in our 25+ marriage has he ever manscaped his body. Ever.

I confess that I didn't react well. I kind of closed up and said 'ok' and he picked up on it, and tried to explain the whys. I shut him down and said "you've done it for other women, I get it." He tried to argue that wasn't the case - but I was more insistent and said "Stop - you've never ever done this and suddenly you are- you are doing it for other people - that's it."

He went quiet and left to do his beard. And I spent half an hour thinking about this and my reaction.

When he came back, I apologised. I said that I didn't actually have a problem with it but I was blindsided by it. And I'm still getting used to him being different to whom I've known all these years. It smarts to feel like he's putting effort in for other people and but never thought me worthy of the effort - but he's explained that being in a sex based community now, he's been encouraged by others (men and women) to put this effort in as a general thing.

He in turn apologised to me for not doing these things "for me" (his words) before, and for shutting down more adventurous sex ideas when I tried to make changes in years gone by. He has spent his life being 'conservative' in the bedroom and is still learning how to be more open minded.

It's still small steps, and being surprised by things I wasn't expecting. I should try to handle being blindsided better instead of shutting down. But all is good.

as long as it is all good

 

[dkak001]

He said he was going to off to groom (beard etc that he does weekly) and did the stroking beard action, which then I said "I'm glad you did the beard thing because otherwise I'd have thought you meant" - and then I did the crotch action, to which he replied "I did that the other day."

It's not too surprising that you reacted to this. Your feelings on the situation are fair and reasonable. Even your followup response and communication with him are good.

After 25 years (I know, I'm exactly there too...) it's easy to become complacent in our relationships. Not that complacent means lazy, many times it just means comfortable. That contentment doesn't mean lack of caring, it just means we can let our guard down and be comfortable in who we are. In many respects, I think this is a good sign. It means you're not "on guard" at home, and that home is welcoming space.

As for future surprises, keep in mind that you are both growing. (Maybe him, more than you, IMO). Change will happen, and as you have suggested it may even be surprising. But this change isn't because he's cheating on you, you two are progressing this path together. You KNOW why he's making changes, and you are up front with each other about it.

Maybe next time it happens, even if you're shocked, try to have fun with it. A response like "Show me!" would probably get you both laughing about it. Especially if you're in the middle of the kitchen or the like.

You're both in this to explore and have fun. It doesn't mean you can't have fun with each other.

 

[Apisto42]

A Surprise Moment:

Today I've discovered that my husband has groomed himself in ways that he's *never* done so before.

Here's how it went...

He said he was going to off to groom (beard etc that he does weekly) and did the stroking beard action, which then I said "I'm glad you did the beard thing because otherwise I'd have thought you meant" - and then I did the crotch action, to which he replied "I did that the other day."

I was joking, and this caught me 100% off guard because never ever in our 25+ marriage has he ever manscaped his body. Ever.

I confess that I didn't react well. I kind of closed up and said 'ok' and he picked up on it, and tried to explain the whys. I shut him down and said "you've done it for other women, I get it." He tried to argue that wasn't the case - but I was more insistent and said "Stop - you've never ever done this and suddenly you are- you are doing it for other people - that's it."

He went quiet and left to do his beard. And I spent half an hour thinking about this and my reaction.

When he came back, I apologised. I said that I didn't actually have a problem with it but I was blindsided by it. And I'm still getting used to him being different to whom I've known all these years. It smarts to feel like he's putting effort in for other people and but never thought me worthy of the effort - but he's explained that being in a sex based community now, he's been encouraged by others (men and women) to put this effort in as a general thing.

He in turn apologised to me for not doing these things "for me" (his words) before, and for shutting down more adventurous sex ideas when I tried to make changes in years gone by. He has spent his life being 'conservative' in the bedroom and is still learning how to be more open minded.

It's still small steps, and being surprised by things I wasn't expecting. I should try to handle being blindsided better instead of shutting down. But all is good.

You handled that really well. As did he when he came back to the room.

Thanks for sharing your journey.

 

[LeSabreur]

Tallulah, I love this thread, and I very much appreciate you sharing this intimate journey with us. I have benefitted so much from others who share such thoughts and feelings, and I want you to know how much this resonates with me in my own life...you could be my wife's sister and I your husband's brother.

I have just read the thread in its entirety and have smiled all the way through it at your incredible recounting of the little things that sneak up on you...the dusty dashboard, the sex snacks, the manscaping. Seeing your feelings emerge and evolve is fascinating and illuminating.

If you haven't already seen this brilliant little video, it may tickle you:

 

[Peter_Out]

How are things going, @Tallulah82?

 

[hotoldrguy]

How are things going, @Tallulah82?

Good question. Did you have your date this weekend?

 

[Tallulah82]

OM update: let’s cut to the chase because there’s a lot to say.

Firstly, yes, I’ve returned from my first OM weekend away. I’ll come back to this in a moment. But before that, I want to talk about my marriage.

Husband and I have had some rocky moments these past few weeks and while the OM cannot be blamed directly, its existence has added a new dynamic that hasn’t helped.

Due to a perfect storm of an unusual accumulation of serious issues that needed dealing with – by me and me alone – I have recently found myself verging on depression and lost myself in some serious anxiety. This then impacted my physical health, and I ended up at the doctors a couple of weeks ago.

I admit that during all of this I reached a moment of resentment when I found myself hugely stressed about life stuff and it felt to me that he was in his little happy world of work and other women, especially when I began to feel like he wasn’t present (failure to keep up with his home responsibilities and generally acting selfishly).

We’ve talked a lot. I’ve cried a lot (from the overwhelm, not from the talk). We’ve talked some more.

Sex did become an issue between us. Being a woman (apparently), I am prone to doing what a lot of women do which is be unable to entertain the idea of sex when too exhausted/stressed/add your own issue. And I will not “do the wifely duty” of laying back and thinking of England – I’ve actually been there, done that and I won’t be used like that again. So basically, we've not had sex in a while and I've been annoyed at his attempts to initiate when I've been so worn down.

Last week, during one of our talks, he surprised me by saying he was going to take a step back from the OM activity. The timing of it did concern me… with it being days before my own first weekend meet (insert my cynical side here). Yesterday, on my return from my OM weekend, he opened up more about the why.

Bottom line is that he has been hurt by someone he’s been talking to every day for nearly four months now. They’d gotten close and were supposed to meet a couple of weekends ago. She bailed on this, and told him ‘personal reasons’. It transpires that she’s connected with someone else and become ‘exclusive’ during the same time that she was being very vocal about wanting my husband. He found out about this ‘exclusive’ via the site they’re on and their version of our tagline. She didn’t tell him herself.

He’s in his first online ‘hurt and breakup’ and is struggling to understand why she couldn’t be honest when they’ve spent a lot of time texting, calling etc etc and built a decent ‘relationship’. I wish I had a better answer for him than “yeah, babe, people can be shit”.

So, we’ve talked about him moving forward. I scolded him for acting like a whining wanker online – he posted something like ‘not around for the foreseeable future’ on his sig but then he said “foreseeable future could mean just a few days”. No, dear. It sounds like a whiner taking a tantrum then creeping back in after slamming the door behind him. Don’t do that.

I know, I’m harsh. No husband of mine is going to look needy or whiny (unless I have him tied up but that’s another story). But don’t worry!!! I talk nicer than I type (haha) and by the end, he told me loves me very much and is grateful for my support (non-sarcastically).

I’ve told him not to do anything knee-jerk reaction, like cancelling his other OM plans. He needs to dust himself off and move on. This won’t be the last time he’s hurt online but now – hopefully – he may be more inclined not to run at 100mph on a single relationship from the word Go. Maybe.

SO. Back to me.

As I said, life’s been tough. Proper tough. And when my own weekend meet was looming, I reached out to my target aka friend and gave him a heads up that I didn’t know if I could be physically open to anything. I was desperate for silence and sleep.

And because I have such fucking fantastic friends, he told me to bring my pjs and a book and that he’d make me cups of tea. I agreed to this.

On Friday, as I was packing, I started to feel very awkward – almost guilty as though I was sneaking away to cheat. After all sex wasn’t 100% off the table, I just couldn’t guarantee how my mind and body would function. And to make matters worse, I was feeling guilty because I haven’t had sex with my husband for a while yet here I am, potentially allowing someone else “in” (haha) when I’ve been closed to my husband. Yep. Guilt.

Before I left, I told my husband about this feeling of guilt, and he reassured me that he was ok with it and to go enjoy myself, however that looked.

I’m not going to go into details of my weekend (sorry, pervs) suffice to say that we talked a lot, we laughed a lot, and it was wonderful to spend so much time together.

On my return home, my husband spilled the truth about being hurt online (it came to a head while I was away) and we had a long talk about it. He was also wanting to know details of my weekend (because he’s a PERV) but has respected my preference to keep my intimate activities private. My guilt has completely gone, and my husband is happy that I’ve had a great weekend.

So, all is good in my OM world.

Now, all I have to do is fix my real problems by following the wise words that a not-so-wise person spoke to me last week… “Just stop overthinking everything.”

Do you know what, I’ve never thought about how simple it is to just…not…think…

 

[AngelicaS1780]

Gotta love when you find out something like that on the boards instead of privately from the person. One of the two times was via the tagline too.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

I’m glad you had a great time on your weekend away. And that your husband encouraged you to go and enjoy yourself despite having his first online “breakup” at that time. I’m also happy for you that your friend was so supportive and understanding of your situation. Not that I would really expect less from someone you have chosen, as you’re a smart woman who doesn’t appear to tolerate BS.

I hope that things are settling down for you and that your health has improved. As someone who is prone to depression and anxiety, I understand that feeling of being overwhelmed by life at times. I also hope that the husband is becoming more self aware as to when he’s not pulling his weight at home.

Thanks for the update!

 

[hotoldrguy]

OM update: let’s cut to the chase because there’s a lot to say.

Firstly, yes, I’ve returned from my first OM weekend away. I’ll come back to this in a moment. But before that, I want to talk about my marriage.

Husband and I have had some rocky moments these past few weeks and while the OM cannot be blamed directly, its existence has added a new dynamic that hasn’t helped.

Due to a perfect storm of an unusual accumulation of serious issues that needed dealing with – by me and me alone – I have recently found myself verging on depression and lost myself in some serious anxiety. This then impacted my physical health, and I ended up at the doctors a couple of weeks ago.

I admit that during all of this I reached a moment of resentment when I found myself hugely stressed about life stuff and it felt to me that he was in his little happy world of work and other women, especially when I began to feel like he wasn’t present (failure to keep up with his home responsibilities and generally acting selfishly).

We’ve talked a lot. I’ve cried a lot (from the overwhelm, not from the talk). We’ve talked some more.

Sex did become an issue between us. Being a woman (apparently), I am prone to doing what a lot of women do which is be unable to entertain the idea of sex when too exhausted/stressed/add your own issue. And I will not “do the wifely duty” of laying back and thinking of England – I’ve actually been there, done that and I won’t be used like that again. So basically, we've not had sex in a while and I've been annoyed at his attempts to initiate when I've been so worn down.

Last week, during one of our talks, he surprised me by saying he was going to take a step back from the OM activity. The timing of it did concern me… with it being days before my own first weekend meet (insert my cynical side here). Yesterday, on my return from my OM weekend, he opened up more about the why.

Bottom line is that he has been hurt by someone he’s been talking to every day for nearly four months now. They’d gotten close and were supposed to meet a couple of weekends ago. She bailed on this, and told him ‘personal reasons’. It transpires that she’s connected with someone else and become ‘exclusive’ during the same time that she was being very vocal about wanting my husband. He found out about this ‘exclusive’ via the site they’re on and their version of our tagline. She didn’t tell him herself.

He’s in his first online ‘hurt and breakup’ and is struggling to understand why she couldn’t be honest when they’ve spent a lot of time texting, calling etc etc and built a decent ‘relationship’. I wish I had a better answer for him than “yeah, babe, people can be shit”.

So, we’ve talked about him moving forward. I scolded him for acting like a whining wanker online – he posted something like ‘not around for the foreseeable future’ on his sig but then he said “foreseeable future could mean just a few days”. No, dear. It sounds like a whiner taking a tantrum then creeping back in after slamming the door behind him. Don’t do that.

I know, I’m harsh. No husband of mine is going to look needy or whiny (unless I have him tied up but that’s another story). But don’t worry!!! I talk nicer than I type (haha) and by the end, he told me loves me very much and is grateful for my support (non-sarcastically).

I’ve told him not to do anything knee-jerk reaction, like cancelling his other OM plans. He needs to dust himself off and move on. This won’t be the last time he’s hurt online but now – hopefully – he may be more inclined not to run at 100mph on a single relationship from the word Go. Maybe.

SO. Back to me.

As I said, life’s been tough. Proper tough. And when my own weekend meet was looming, I reached out to my target aka friend and gave him a heads up that I didn’t know if I could be physically open to anything. I was desperate for silence and sleep.

And because I have such fucking fantastic friends, he told me to bring my pjs and a book and that he’d make me cups of tea. I agreed to this.

On Friday, as I was packing, I started to feel very awkward – almost guilty as though I was sneaking away to cheat. After all sex wasn’t 100% off the table, I just couldn’t guarantee how my mind and body would function. And to make matters worse, I was feeling guilty because I haven’t had sex with my husband for a while yet here I am, potentially allowing someone else “in” (haha) when I’ve been closed to my husband. Yep. Guilt.

Before I left, I told my husband about this feeling of guilt, and he reassured me that he was ok with it and to go enjoy myself, however that looked.

I’m not going to go into details of my weekend (sorry, pervs) suffice to say that we talked a lot, we laughed a lot, and it was wonderful to spend so much time together.

On my return home, my husband spilled the truth about being hurt online (it came to a head while I was away) and we had a long talk about it. He was also wanting to know details of my weekend (because he’s a PERV) but has respected my preference to keep my intimate activities private. My guilt has completely gone, and my husband is happy that I’ve had a great weekend.

So, all is good in my OM world.

Now, all I have to do is fix my real problems by following the wise words that a not-so-wise person spoke to me last week… “Just stop overthinking everything.”

Do you know what, I’ve never thought about how simple it is to just…not…think…

It sounds like the two of you are working trough some hurdles in the OM. But you are listening and talking to each other and that is really important. I hope the issues you are having yourself get resolved quickly

 

[Tallulah82]

Gotta love when you find out something like that on the boards instead of privately from the person. One of the two times was via the tagline too.

Absolutely. Whether it's a cowardly choice of not wanting to vocalise her actions, or simply uncaring enough about someone else's feelings, it was a shitty move that he didn't deserve.

I’m glad you had a great time on your weekend away. And that your husband encouraged you to go and enjoy yourself despite having his first online “breakup” at that time. I’m also happy for you that your friend was so supportive and understanding of your situation. Not that I would really expect less from someone you have chosen, as you’re a smart woman who doesn’t appear to tolerate BS.

I hope that things are settling down for you and that your health has improved. As someone who is prone to depression and anxiety, I understand that feeling of being overwhelmed by life at times. I also hope that the husband is becoming more self aware as to when he’s not pulling his weight at home.

Thanks for the update!

As always, I thank you for your supportive words and sentiments.

My health is improving, yes. It was ironic that stress caused my body physical pain and then the physical pain caused me more stress! Argh! I'm on meds for the stupid body now so one problem has been resolved.

It sounds like the two of you are working trough some hurdles in the OM. But you are listening and talking to each other and that is really important. I hope the issues you are having yourself get resolved quickly

Maybe not quickly, but most of the issues are on time limits which is why I'm not still rocking in the corner. Life *will* return to normal.

Re: the OM, we always said there'd be hurdles and bumps and maybe a clifftop or two, but yes the communication is vital.