Tallulah's OMD

[deft]

But for now, at least, I am focused on myself in this and allowing myself to show my own excitement.

This is all the sexy.

 

[Pad_Foot]

A week or so then an update?
No pressure!
But we are all pulling for you !!

 

[hotoldrguy]

Update:

I can't say things have been easy or straightforward however progress has been made. We've still found some miscommunication to be the worst enemy in this and we're trying harder not to make assumptions.

The strongest example of this is when my husband made coffee plans with someone. He's already had coffee with this person under the 'let's meet and see if we click' terms. They met, they clicked, all is good. But then he's making more coffee plans.
I said I wasn't comfortable with this as it feels like there's potential for it to slide into territory that we didn't agree: in my head, a short coffee date after work could become a longer coffee date, into a meal date, into hours.

One of our foundation points is that this doesn't impact our home lives. As I said in the very beginning, we have demanding, complicated lives and so it is the heavily organised weekend plans that make it possible for one of us to escape and have fun.

So, we had a long discussion about it and because I'd been fine with his original coffee date, he'd assumed I was ok with them meeting semi-regularly. I said that's what the absent weekends are for, while he argued that the weekends are for the actual sex.

Now, this is where I had to do some real reflection on myself. He accused me that if I had a friend close by, I'd be wanting to meet for coffee too. I honestly don't know if this is true. What I *DO* know is true, is that I have concerns that this 1 hour coffee date slowly turns into longer dates that makes him absent from the home.

In the end, we agreed that the coffee dates can happen (no more than once a month) and that they never evolve. He has his weekends to have meals and drinks and more. He has his first one with this woman planned for December.

Since then, I've had quite an eye opening moment about myself.

After talking with a Lit friend, he pointed out that apart from the very beginning of this, I've not talked to him about my excitement for my own adventures. He expressed his relief that I am sounding eager for my own things. This really surprised me. And then it didn't.

I realise now that I've spent the best part of the past two months supporting my husband in all of this. I know I mentioned at the start that I wasn't in any rush, however, I know now that some of my irritations have been borne from feeling like he's the important one here. He's really in the swing of it, and I've barely said or done anything despite my wanting to.

SO!! I have begun to make plans. I took a deep breath and I have booked my first weekend away in January to meet a dear Lit friend whom I've known for several years. We've talked a lot about it and whilst there's no expectations or demands, and we know each other so well, I'm nervous.

I still need to learn how to navigate these waters and one of my greatest fears is that I unintentionally upset anyone with my eager selfishness. Awkwardness still prevails because those few whom I have expressed a clear desire to meet mean a lot to me and I don't want to ruin the friendships we have, and so many more conversations are to be had so that everyone remains confident and happy.

But for now, at least, I am focused on myself in this and allowing myself to show my own excitement.

I am glad you finally decided to take care of yourself for once.

 

[Tallulah82]

Short update:

My husband's first weekend away is this coming weekend. This is with the woman he's met twice for coffee.

Here's my 'dilemma'...

He told me the basic plans a few weeks ago and I said I didn't need to know other than his locations. I was hoping to use a tracking app (android both of us). But for some reason the couple of apps we've tried haven't been successful. So we're going to have to go old school and him write down his location(s).

That's not my dilemma. My dilemma is how much do I help prepare him for this? I want him to step up and take full control/responsibility and not rely on me to be behind him saying "have you done this?" "have you got that?" etc etc.

But am I being too harsh? This is his first venture out. But he's an adult. But surely all of this is up to him to sort out. But it's his first time.

I'm considering if we need to create a 'checklist' that we need to complete before we leave. And then leave it up to him to actually complete it.

Things I'm thinking about are condoms, car prep (filled tank etc), written information for emergency use only (her name and mobile number).

Or am I overthinking this too much? Me? Overthink? Never!

 

[hotoldrguy]

Short update:

My husband's first weekend away is this coming weekend. This is with the woman he's met twice for coffee.

Here's my 'dilemma'...

He told me the basic plans a few weeks ago and I said I didn't need to know other than his locations. I was hoping to use a tracking app (android both of us). But for some reason the couple of apps we've tried haven't been successful. So we're going to have to go old school and him write down his location(s).

That's not my dilemma. My dilemma is how much do I help prepare him for this? I want him to step up and take full control/responsibility and not rely on me to be behind him saying "have you done this?" "have you got that?" etc etc.

But am I being too harsh? This is his first venture out. But he's an adult. But surely all of this is up to him to sort out. But it's his first time.

I'm considering if we need to create a 'checklist' that we need to complete before we leave. And then leave it up to him to actually complete it.

Things I'm thinking about are condoms, car prep (filled tank etc), written information for emergency use only (her name and mobile number).

Or am I overthinking this too much? Me? Overthink? Never!

I think you are being a bit OCD. You are right. He is a grown man. Let him be in charge of himself and do things his own way. I am sure he will do the same for you when it is your turn,

 

[Tallulah82]

I think you are being a bit OCD. You are right. He is a grown man. Let him be in charge of himself and do things his own way. I am sure he will do the same for you when it is your turn,

Me? OCD? NEVER EVER EVER?!!

I'm all for him doing it his way... but I wondered if I sounded too harsh to say I didn't want to be involved in anything at all. If he forgets something, then it's on him to sort. But sometimes I am accused of being too harsh on him.

And the other way around? There's a reason I wonder if I'm supposed to be helping him...

 

[hotoldrguy]

Me? OCD? NEVER EVER EVER?!!

I'm all for him doing it his way... but I wondered if I sounded too harsh to say I didn't want to be involved in anything at all. If he forgets something, then it's on him to sort. But sometimes I am accused of being too harsh on him.

And the other way around? There's a reason I wonder if I'm supposed to be helping him...

You could just ask him if he wants any help

 

[Tallulah82]

You could just ask him if he wants any help

You make it sound so easy.

With this being new and personal, I feel like the line is blurred between supportive and responsible. I can ask. If his answer is yes, then that doesn't solve my dilemma of how much should I be involved in his side of things.

 

[hotoldrguy]

You make it sound so easy.

With this being new and personal, I feel like the line is blurred between supportive and responsible. I can ask. If his answer is yes, then that doesn't solve my dilemma of how much should I be involved in his side of things.

don't overthink it. Instead of asking if he wants help you could say "let me know if there is anything you want me to help you with" then how much is his choice. I hope I am being helpful

 

[Tallulah82]

don't overthink it. Instead of asking if he wants help you could say "let me know if there is anything you want me to help you with" then how much is his choice. I hope I am being helpful

Indeed you are. I sometimes need to talk my thoughts through to make sense of them. I like hearing the views of others, it helps me see the world outside of myself. Thank you

 

[Tallulah82]

And I do appreciate it if the overall census is that I'm overthinking. I don't know where the "STOP THINKING" line is on most things.

 

[cheekygirl75]

don't overthink it. Instead of asking if he wants help you could say "let me know if there is anything you want me to help you with" then how much is his choice. I hope I am being helpful

I think this is the way to go… he’s an adult and needs to take responsibility, but taking responsibility can mean asking for help. This way you’ve left the door open for him to do that, so you’re not just saying “figure it all out yourself, you’re on your own”. Yes, he should be able to figure it all out on his own, but maybe if it’s his first time going somewhere without you in a long time, and you’ve usually handled those logistics, maybe he needs a little brushing up on how to do it. If that makes sense.

 

[Tallulah82]

I think this is the way to go… he’s an adult and needs to take responsibility, but taking responsibility can mean asking for help. This way you’ve left the door open for him to do that, so you’re not just saying “figure it all out yourself, you’re on your own”. Yes, he should be able to figure it all out on his own, but maybe if it’s his first time going somewhere without you in a long time, and you’ve usually handled those logistics, maybe he needs a little brushing up on how to do it. If that makes sense.

Thank you

 

[dkak001]

Short update:

My husband's first weekend away is this coming weekend. This is with the woman he's met twice for coffee.

Here's my 'dilemma'...

He told me the basic plans a few weeks ago and I said I didn't need to know other than his locations. I was hoping to use a tracking app (android both of us). But for some reason the couple of apps we've tried haven't been successful. So we're going to have to go old school and him write down his location(s).

That's not my dilemma. My dilemma is how much do I help prepare him for this? I want him to step up and take full control/responsibility and not rely on me to be behind him saying "have you done this?" "have you got that?" etc etc.

But am I being too harsh? This is his first venture out. But he's an adult. But surely all of this is up to him to sort out. But it's his first time.

I'm considering if we need to create a 'checklist' that we need to complete before we leave. And then leave it up to him to actually complete it.

Things I'm thinking about are condoms, car prep (filled tank etc), written information for emergency use only (her name and mobile number).

Or am I overthinking this too much? Me? Overthink? Never!

So, you're trusting of him enough to have a weekend away and sleep with someone else, but you're worried about inconsequential details? It seems like there might be more to this. Honestly, it makes me wonder if you're more worried about this whole scenario than you even realize.

Watching someone you care deeply about leave to be intimate with someone else has to bring a whole flood of emotions. I can't see how it couldn't. From here, at first glance it seems like you're "mothering" him. But there is a niggle it may be the result of the flood of emotions you're experiencing.

Just my two cents...

 

[Tallulah82]

So, you're trusting of him enough to have a weekend away and sleep with someone else, but you're worried about inconsequential details? It seems like there might be more to this. Honestly, it makes me wonder if you're more worried about this whole scenario than you even realize.

Watching someone you care deeply about leave to be intimate with someone else has to bring a whole flood of emotions. I can't see how it couldn't. From here, at first glance it seems like you're "mothering" him. But there is a niggle it may be the result of the flood of emotions you're experiencing.

Just my two cents...

Thank you for your reflection.

Honestly? I don't think it's that. I shall return in the future and let you do the "I Told You So" dance if it is.

I have control issues, for sure. But the "have you got everything" crap... I've been in the position more than once trying to solve a problem of his from a distance because he wasn't organised/prepared enough. I want him to have a good time. I ESPECIALLY don't want me to be spending my time at home fixing his problems.

 

[dkak001]

Honestly? I don't think it's that.

Again, just gut feel from a casual internet observer a million miles away...

I shall return in the future and let you do the "I Told You So" dance if it is.

Let's hope this isn't the case! (Besides, I tend not to do such things anyway. As I tend leave ample opportunity to be the recipient of such... )


I've never traveled this road you two are on. From everything I've picked up on it can either be amazing, or a nightmare. I suspect you two will navigate this just fine. There are always hiccups, but you seem to be putting enough thought into it.

I do hope you post your thoughts and feelings as they play out. I get my thrills from being privy to such situations. I'm both excited and nervous for you...

 

[tallladiesman]

My tuppence worth: he's a grown ass man
Fair enough remind him about condoms if you two don't usually use them. Otherwise let him sort it out himself
He's met this lady twice and she's still coming back for more so he must be doing something right. Let him make his own mistakes, or not as the case may be. If he fucks it up it's his problem not yours.
If you tell him what to do and it doesn't work out it will be your fault not his. Don't fall into that trap.

 

[Tallulah82]

My tuppence worth: he's a grown ass man
Fair enough remind him about condoms if you two don't usually use them. Otherwise let him sort it out himself
He's met this lady twice and she's still coming back for more so he must be doing something right. Let him make his own mistakes, or not as the case may be. If he fucks it up it's his problem not yours.
If you tell him what to do and it doesn't work out it will be your fault not his. Don't fall into that trap.

Thank you. I like your perspective of not being blamed, haha!


UPDATE:

I blurted in my really gentle way "I hope you're all organised but do we need to create a checklist for you or not?"

He has decided he doesn't need my help. This sounds good but I'll reserve judgement until he's back home again on Sunday without there being any texts or calls.

He's a grown ass man, Tallulah! Give him his balls back!

 

[AngelicaS1780]

Thank you. I like your perspective of not being blamed, haha!


UPDATE:

I blurted in my really gentle way "I hope you're all organised but do we need to create a checklist for you or not?"

He has decided he doesn't need my help. This sounds good but I'll reserve judgement until he's back home again on Sunday without there being any texts or calls.

He's a grown ass man, Tallulah! Give him his balls back!

Fingers crossed for no texts or calls. And for him handling any unexpected issues like a grown ass man.

 

[LordofDargaardkeep]

For fucks sake Tallulah!

 

[Apisto42]

Thank you. I like your perspective of not being blamed, haha!


UPDATE:

I blurted in my really gentle way "I hope you're all organised but do we need to create a checklist for you or not?"

He has decided he doesn't need my help. This sounds good but I'll reserve judgement until he's back home again on Sunday without there being any texts or calls.

He's a grown ass man, Tallulah! Give him his balls back!

I think the gentle reminder about protection and asking for an emergency contact are prudent. Everything else? It’s his responsibility.

Caveat: never done this. So I may be talking shit.

 

[dkak001]

Thank you. I like your perspective of not being blamed, haha!


UPDATE:

I blurted in my really gentle way "I hope you're all organised but do we need to create a checklist for you or not?"

He has decided he doesn't need my help. This sounds good but I'll reserve judgement until he's back home again on Sunday without there being any texts or calls.

He's a grown ass man, Tallulah! Give him his balls back!

Atta girl!

Of ANYTHING you might help him organize, arrange, take care of, etc.. This is ONE particular event you shouldn't have to.

So don't! If he's off enjoying himself, you should be free from worry too!

 

[Pad_Foot]

Golden Rule?
Will you want his nose in your business when you have your first outing? If not? Then stay back for sure.

If he asks for advice are you ok with helping?

If you will want his help and advice, then you were right to offer

I hope all goes well

I for one am all for hearing about your adventures since I think his adventures will be a mystery.

 

[hotoldrguy]

@Tallulah82 any thoughts about how your husband's weekend went?

 

[Tallulah82]

I never have thoughts...



Well, he went and returned so that's all ok on that front.

We haven't talked about it (as per my preference). But he did exactly what I wanted which was to leave it at the door, and return to home/family life without a fuss.

There was one tiny little issue I had (stop rolling your eyes! I know I'm hard work!!!) and that was about food. Food? You say. Yes, food I say. He was staying in a hotel. He bought snacks. Some snacks were not finished so he brought them home.

I have a bit of a cringe attitude towards the sex snacks. He's put them in the cupboard to merge with all other snacks but I'm a bit... "ew, they're snacks you've eaten naked with someone". I haven't raised this issue (yet) as I'm trying to figure out if I can get over myself about it, or if I need to say that sex snacks are either eaten before home or thrown out before home.

This can also be resolved by him learning in time how many sex snacks he actually needs to buy and not overbuying.

But, keeping focused on the positive - he returned home and got on with family shit and did not strut or swagger or anything that would make me doubt his ability to juggle both in life. Phew!!!