Tallulah's Thread. Fuck yeah.

[VoraciousValue]

Road trip was great - made some great memories and took some fab photos (no, I won't share). I've put on a lot of weight from too many treats (mid morning and mid afternoon snack stops became the norm!). We stayed in hotels, we glamped, we caravanned, and we cottaged. We drove around 3000 miles - some on motorways, some through fantastic scenery. We had one hospital trip (dislocated knee - not mine!), and one refund for a terrible night in a hotel. But otherwise, abundant in trains and museums and places we've never visited before. And I personally think that John O'Groats is better than Land's End (yes, we visited them both in this one trip).

I'm dying to do a road trip through Britain. Not in a caravan, though.

Kitchen: STILL WASN'T FINISHED when we got home! I've had some harsh words said to the contractors. It's 99% finished now and we're moved in, but there's still a couple of issues I need fixing. Now I'm focusing on making it feel like my space.

Bloody hell! I'm glad you tore them off a strip. That's ridiculous.

 

[hotoldrguy]

 

[Tallulah82]

I always thought that it would be my knees that got me first. Not because of THAT, you pervs, but arthritis is in my future, there is no doubt. I've worn knee supports for years during exercise. I had to stop running about 9 years ago due to the further damage it was causing (I miss it so!).

But alas. It is my gut that is now my #1 health issue. Or more specifically, stress that triggers gut issues.

I've been on meds since January for controlling the searing pain I get (not after food, just randomly, because my gut is a twat). The doctors have been dismissing it for years as stress based gastro-reflux and let (made?) me get on with suffering without considering it could be something else.

That was until earlier this year when I went back to the docs again (4th time? in 6 years). The pain had gotten to the point where it would sear my chest for about an hour, make me nauseous and sweaty, and be utterly drained from the experience that I'd be wiped out for the rest of the day.

There was no pattern to it other than generally once a month. I'd tracked it all. I couldn't predict it.

So, I insisted that this was becoming debilitating. Yes, just once a month. But every month. And my god, the pain was awful. So, finally, I got put on some meds and referred to a consultant who was horrified that I'd been in this state for literally years.

The meds worked and I had scans, I had blood tests and more blood tests. I had an endoscopy.

And in the summer, he sat opposite me and looked utterly disappointed and apologetic. There is nothing wrong with me. On paper, I'm absolutely fine. That's great news! Except for the fact that I was on medication to stop a once-a-month pain attack that wiped me for hours.

He admitted that my gall bladder walls are slightly thicker than usual, but not enough to warrant a removal. And the pain and its pattern I describe doesn't meet gallstones (not that the scan picked up those either).

With a sigh, he admitted that it must indeed be stress-based gastro reflux. And so it looks like I'm now permanently on meds to manage it.

He mentioned diet/losing weight: I said sure, but this started when I was 20lbs lighter (many years ago) so whilst I'm already on that path, that's not the solution.

He mentioned changing my lifestyle to reduce my stress. This is not as simple as it sounds. I don't share really personal information in public, suffice to say that my commitments are what they are. (Of course, an intense year of home improvement stuff that is still continuing is NOT helping matters!).

But it wasn't until nearly three weeks ago when I had the most severe attack (despite being on meds) where I actually ended up vomiting, that I acknowledged how I've let stress become the norm and realised I'd allowed myself to fall to the bottom of the priority pile.

I hit a point where I sat and realised I'd fallen back into old old habits of people-pleasing. To be the strong one, the capable one, to be the sympathetic one, carries such a price. To be the daughter who jumps to help an elderly parent despite the toxic undertones. To be a mother of the children I have, where meetings and appointments rule my diary and their needs are my ultimate priority. To be the wife of someone whose selfishness rules the relationship. To be the friend who is barely around anyway and carries guilt that I'm not a good enough friend (not their expectations, but my own. They are my lifeline). To be the lover who is afraid of looking like I'm rejecting advances because sex is the last thing I can deal with (again, my fears rather than reality). To be the online friend who is always on guard, ready to be told the friendship is over because I didn't give enough, I wasn't around enough, I'm not being 'Tallulah' enough.

I felt like my life had become all give and no take. That from every direction, I was surrounded by people who either don't consider me at all, or only consider me when they want something from me. *I am aware that this isn't true, but at one point it felt like that*.

And so, with still feeling the fear of pain attacking again, I have pulled my big girl pants up as far as they'll go. For the past two weeks, I've been fighting the urge to wallow in tiredness and giving up. I'm not that woman. I don't give up. Ever.

It still pisses me off that I may be on medication for the rest of my charmed life, but I'll take the win that there's nothing more sinister wrong with my body.

Stress. Fucking stress.

I've begun to make changes, small but manageable. Except for the big one - my marriage. This has a pin in it for now because I need to take care of myself. I need to be my full self to figure out if my marriage is over or if I'm going to put effort into it because of all the things I *can* change, I can't change him.

But for now, I am building this fucker back up because nothing and no-one can break who I truly am.

 

[LaisDeMarieDeFrance]

I always thought that it would be my knees that got me first. Not because of THAT, you pervs, but arthritis is in my future, there is no doubt. I've worn knee supports for years during exercise. I had to stop running about 9 years ago due to the further damage it was causing (I miss it so!).

But alas. It is my gut that is now my #1 health issue. Or more specifically, stress that triggers gut issues.

I've been on meds since January for controlling the searing pain I get (not after food, just randomly, because my gut is a twat). The doctors have been dismissing it for years as stress based gastro-reflux and let (made?) me get on with suffering without considering it could be something else.

That was until earlier this year when I went back to the docs again (4th time? in 6 years). The pain had gotten to the point where it would sear my chest for about an hour, make me nauseous and sweaty, and be utterly drained from the experience that I'd be wiped out for the rest of the day.

There was no pattern to it other than generally once a month. I'd tracked it all. I couldn't predict it.

So, I insisted that this was becoming debilitating. Yes, just once a month. But every month. And my god, the pain was awful. So, finally, I got put on some meds and referred to a consultant who was horrified that I'd been in this state for literally years.

The meds worked and I had scans, I had blood tests and more blood tests. I had an endoscopy.

And in the summer, he sat opposite me and looked utterly disappointed and apologetic. There is nothing wrong with me. On paper, I'm absolutely fine. That's great news! Except for the fact that I was on medication to stop a once-a-month pain attack that wiped me for hours.

He admitted that my gall bladder walls are slightly thicker than usual, but not enough to warrant a removal. And the pain and its pattern I describe doesn't meet gallstones (not that the scan picked up those either).

With a sigh, he admitted that it must indeed be stress-based gastro reflux. And so it looks like I'm now permanently on meds to manage it.

He mentioned diet/losing weight: I said sure, but this started when I was 20lbs lighter (many years ago) so whilst I'm already on that path, that's not the solution.

He mentioned changing my lifestyle to reduce my stress. This is not as simple as it sounds. I don't share really personal information in public, suffice to say that my commitments are what they are. (Of course, an intense year of home improvement stuff that is still continuing is NOT helping matters!).

But it wasn't until nearly three weeks ago when I had the most severe attack (despite being on meds) where I actually ended up vomiting, that I acknowledged how I've let stress become the norm and realised I'd allowed myself to fall to the bottom of the priority pile.

I hit a point where I sat and realised I'd fallen back into old old habits of people-pleasing. To be the strong one, the capable one, to be the sympathetic one, carries such a price. To be the daughter who jumps to help an elderly parent despite the toxic undertones. To be a mother of the children I have, where meetings and appointments rule my diary and their needs are my ultimate priority. To be the wife of someone whose selfishness rules the relationship. To be the friend who is barely around anyway and carries guilt that I'm not a good enough friend (not their expectations, but my own. They are my lifeline). To be the lover who is afraid of looking like I'm rejecting advances because sex is the last thing I can deal with (again, my fears rather than reality). To be the online friend who is always on guard, ready to be told the friendship is over because I didn't give enough, I wasn't around enough, I'm not being 'Tallulah' enough.

I felt like my life had become all give and no take. That from every direction, I was surrounded by people who either don't consider me at all, or only consider me when they want something from me. *I am aware that this isn't true, but at one point it felt like that*.

And so, with still feeling the fear of pain attacking again, I have pulled my big girl pants up as far as they'll go. For the past two weeks, I've been fighting the urge to wallow in tiredness and giving up. I'm not that woman. I don't give up. Ever.

It still pisses me off that I may be on medication for the rest of my charmed life, but I'll take the win that there's nothing more sinister wrong with my body.

Stress. Fucking stress.

I've begun to make changes, small but manageable. Except for the big one - my marriage. This has a pin in it for now because I need to take care of myself. I need to be my full self to figure out if my marriage is over or if I'm going to put effort into it because of all the things I *can* change, I can't change him.

But for now, I am building this fucker back up because nothing and no-one can break who I truly am.

Hopefully they will eventually find the issue. My Mom had severe back pain for years and doctor after doctor told her it was all in her head. Eventually she found the right doctor and he discovered that she had a mass on her spine the size of a grapefruit. They had to do two surgeries to remove it. It was not in her head.

My sister would vomit from stress and she was told to handle her stress better. She had a hernia that was causing it.

It sucks that women still have to fight for proper medical care while being everything for everybody.

We're here for you and wish you nothing but the best.

 

[bikerbonez]

I always thought that it would be my knees that got me first. Not because of THAT, you pervs, but arthritis is in my future, there is no doubt. I've worn knee supports for years during exercise. I had to stop running about 9 years ago due to the further damage it was causing (I miss it so!).

But alas. It is my gut that is now my #1 health issue. Or more specifically, stress that triggers gut issues.

I've been on meds since January for controlling the searing pain I get (not after food, just randomly, because my gut is a twat). The doctors have been dismissing it for years as stress based gastro-reflux and let (made?) me get on with suffering without considering it could be something else.

That was until earlier this year when I went back to the docs again (4th time? in 6 years). The pain had gotten to the point where it would sear my chest for about an hour, make me nauseous and sweaty, and be utterly drained from the experience that I'd be wiped out for the rest of the day.

There was no pattern to it other than generally once a month. I'd tracked it all. I couldn't predict it.

So, I insisted that this was becoming debilitating. Yes, just once a month. But every month. And my god, the pain was awful. So, finally, I got put on some meds and referred to a consultant who was horrified that I'd been in this state for literally years.

The meds worked and I had scans, I had blood tests and more blood tests. I had an endoscopy.

And in the summer, he sat opposite me and looked utterly disappointed and apologetic. There is nothing wrong with me. On paper, I'm absolutely fine. That's great news! Except for the fact that I was on medication to stop a once-a-month pain attack that wiped me for hours.

He admitted that my gall bladder walls are slightly thicker than usual, but not enough to warrant a removal. And the pain and its pattern I describe doesn't meet gallstones (not that the scan picked up those either).

With a sigh, he admitted that it must indeed be stress-based gastro reflux. And so it looks like I'm now permanently on meds to manage it.

He mentioned diet/losing weight: I said sure, but this started when I was 20lbs lighter (many years ago) so whilst I'm already on that path, that's not the solution.

He mentioned changing my lifestyle to reduce my stress. This is not as simple as it sounds. I don't share really personal information in public, suffice to say that my commitments are what they are. (Of course, an intense year of home improvement stuff that is still continuing is NOT helping matters!).

But it wasn't until nearly three weeks ago when I had the most severe attack (despite being on meds) where I actually ended up vomiting, that I acknowledged how I've let stress become the norm and realised I'd allowed myself to fall to the bottom of the priority pile.

I hit a point where I sat and realised I'd fallen back into old old habits of people-pleasing. To be the strong one, the capable one, to be the sympathetic one, carries such a price. To be the daughter who jumps to help an elderly parent despite the toxic undertones. To be a mother of the children I have, where meetings and appointments rule my diary and their needs are my ultimate priority. To be the wife of someone whose selfishness rules the relationship. To be the friend who is barely around anyway and carries guilt that I'm not a good enough friend (not their expectations, but my own. They are my lifeline). To be the lover who is afraid of looking like I'm rejecting advances because sex is the last thing I can deal with (again, my fears rather than reality). To be the online friend who is always on guard, ready to be told the friendship is over because I didn't give enough, I wasn't around enough, I'm not being 'Tallulah' enough.

I felt like my life had become all give and no take. That from every direction, I was surrounded by people who either don't consider me at all, or only consider me when they want something from me. *I am aware that this isn't true, but at one point it felt like that*.

And so, with still feeling the fear of pain attacking again, I have pulled my big girl pants up as far as they'll go. For the past two weeks, I've been fighting the urge to wallow in tiredness and giving up. I'm not that woman. I don't give up. Ever.

It still pisses me off that I may be on medication for the rest of my charmed life, but I'll take the win that there's nothing more sinister wrong with my body.

Stress. Fucking stress.

I've begun to make changes, small but manageable. Except for the big one - my marriage. This has a pin in it for now because I need to take care of myself. I need to be my full self to figure out if my marriage is over or if I'm going to put effort into it because of all the things I *can* change, I can't change him.

But for now, I am building this fucker back up because nothing and no-one can break who I truly am.

sad to read this for you, you can pm me anytime, you've got my addy xxx

 

[EyesOnHers]

I always thought that it would be my knees that got me first. Not because of THAT, you pervs, but arthritis is in my future, there is no doubt. I've worn knee supports for years during exercise. I had to stop running about 9 years ago due to the further damage it was causing (I miss it so!).

But alas. It is my gut that is now my #1 health issue. Or more specifically, stress that triggers gut issues.

I've been on meds since January for controlling the searing pain I get (not after food, just randomly, because my gut is a twat). The doctors have been dismissing it for years as stress based gastro-reflux and let (made?) me get on with suffering without considering it could be something else.

That was until earlier this year when I went back to the docs again (4th time? in 6 years). The pain had gotten to the point where it would sear my chest for about an hour, make me nauseous and sweaty, and be utterly drained from the experience that I'd be wiped out for the rest of the day.

There was no pattern to it other than generally once a month. I'd tracked it all. I couldn't predict it.

So, I insisted that this was becoming debilitating. Yes, just once a month. But every month. And my god, the pain was awful. So, finally, I got put on some meds and referred to a consultant who was horrified that I'd been in this state for literally years.

The meds worked and I had scans, I had blood tests and more blood tests. I had an endoscopy.

And in the summer, he sat opposite me and looked utterly disappointed and apologetic. There is nothing wrong with me. On paper, I'm absolutely fine. That's great news! Except for the fact that I was on medication to stop a once-a-month pain attack that wiped me for hours.

He admitted that my gall bladder walls are slightly thicker than usual, but not enough to warrant a removal. And the pain and its pattern I describe doesn't meet gallstones (not that the scan picked up those either).

With a sigh, he admitted that it must indeed be stress-based gastro reflux. And so it looks like I'm now permanently on meds to manage it.

He mentioned diet/losing weight: I said sure, but this started when I was 20lbs lighter (many years ago) so whilst I'm already on that path, that's not the solution.

He mentioned changing my lifestyle to reduce my stress. This is not as simple as it sounds. I don't share really personal information in public, suffice to say that my commitments are what they are. (Of course, an intense year of home improvement stuff that is still continuing is NOT helping matters!).

But it wasn't until nearly three weeks ago when I had the most severe attack (despite being on meds) where I actually ended up vomiting, that I acknowledged how I've let stress become the norm and realised I'd allowed myself to fall to the bottom of the priority pile.

I hit a point where I sat and realised I'd fallen back into old old habits of people-pleasing. To be the strong one, the capable one, to be the sympathetic one, carries such a price. To be the daughter who jumps to help an elderly parent despite the toxic undertones. To be a mother of the children I have, where meetings and appointments rule my diary and their needs are my ultimate priority. To be the wife of someone whose selfishness rules the relationship. To be the friend who is barely around anyway and carries guilt that I'm not a good enough friend (not their expectations, but my own. They are my lifeline). To be the lover who is afraid of looking like I'm rejecting advances because sex is the last thing I can deal with (again, my fears rather than reality). To be the online friend who is always on guard, ready to be told the friendship is over because I didn't give enough, I wasn't around enough, I'm not being 'Tallulah' enough.

I felt like my life had become all give and no take. That from every direction, I was surrounded by people who either don't consider me at all, or only consider me when they want something from me. *I am aware that this isn't true, but at one point it felt like that*.

And so, with still feeling the fear of pain attacking again, I have pulled my big girl pants up as far as they'll go. For the past two weeks, I've been fighting the urge to wallow in tiredness and giving up. I'm not that woman. I don't give up. Ever.

It still pisses me off that I may be on medication for the rest of my charmed life, but I'll take the win that there's nothing more sinister wrong with my body.

Stress. Fucking stress.

I've begun to make changes, small but manageable. Except for the big one - my marriage. This has a pin in it for now because I need to take care of myself. I need to be my full self to figure out if my marriage is over or if I'm going to put effort into it because of all the things I *can* change, I can't change him.

But for now, I am building this fucker back up because nothing and no-one can break who I truly am.

I didn't know how to react to this, in the end I decided on
Although I am so sorry to hear this is something you have been dealing with for so long, I love the fact you have hit the point of realisation and are now prioritising yourself.

You are a strong, phenomenal lady but that doesn't mean your cup is bottomless (I don't know if that is a saying but hope you get what I mean).
The people who rely on you to do everything for them need to cope for themselves. You can't be everything all the time.

Stress can do serious damage to your body. I hope you start to recover as you make time for you, put yourself first.
But if not, keep chasing those doctors.

 

[Qky75]

I always thought that it would be my knees that got me first. Not because of THAT, you pervs, but arthritis is in my future, there is no doubt. I've worn knee supports for years during exercise. I had to stop running about 9 years ago due to the further damage it was causing (I miss it so!).

But alas. It is my gut that is now my #1 health issue. Or more specifically, stress that triggers gut issues.

I've been on meds since January for controlling the searing pain I get (not after food, just randomly, because my gut is a twat). The doctors have been dismissing it for years as stress based gastro-reflux and let (made?) me get on with suffering without considering it could be something else.

That was until earlier this year when I went back to the docs again (4th time? in 6 years). The pain had gotten to the point where it would sear my chest for about an hour, make me nauseous and sweaty, and be utterly drained from the experience that I'd be wiped out for the rest of the day.

There was no pattern to it other than generally once a month. I'd tracked it all. I couldn't predict it.

So, I insisted that this was becoming debilitating. Yes, just once a month. But every month. And my god, the pain was awful. So, finally, I got put on some meds and referred to a consultant who was horrified that I'd been in this state for literally years.

The meds worked and I had scans, I had blood tests and more blood tests. I had an endoscopy.

And in the summer, he sat opposite me and looked utterly disappointed and apologetic. There is nothing wrong with me. On paper, I'm absolutely fine. That's great news! Except for the fact that I was on medication to stop a once-a-month pain attack that wiped me for hours.

He admitted that my gall bladder walls are slightly thicker than usual, but not enough to warrant a removal. And the pain and its pattern I describe doesn't meet gallstones (not that the scan picked up those either).

With a sigh, he admitted that it must indeed be stress-based gastro reflux. And so it looks like I'm now permanently on meds to manage it.

He mentioned diet/losing weight: I said sure, but this started when I was 20lbs lighter (many years ago) so whilst I'm already on that path, that's not the solution.

He mentioned changing my lifestyle to reduce my stress. This is not as simple as it sounds. I don't share really personal information in public, suffice to say that my commitments are what they are. (Of course, an intense year of home improvement stuff that is still continuing is NOT helping matters!).

But it wasn't until nearly three weeks ago when I had the most severe attack (despite being on meds) where I actually ended up vomiting, that I acknowledged how I've let stress become the norm and realised I'd allowed myself to fall to the bottom of the priority pile.

I hit a point where I sat and realised I'd fallen back into old old habits of people-pleasing. To be the strong one, the capable one, to be the sympathetic one, carries such a price. To be the daughter who jumps to help an elderly parent despite the toxic undertones. To be a mother of the children I have, where meetings and appointments rule my diary and their needs are my ultimate priority. To be the wife of someone whose selfishness rules the relationship. To be the friend who is barely around anyway and carries guilt that I'm not a good enough friend (not their expectations, but my own. They are my lifeline). To be the lover who is afraid of looking like I'm rejecting advances because sex is the last thing I can deal with (again, my fears rather than reality). To be the online friend who is always on guard, ready to be told the friendship is over because I didn't give enough, I wasn't around enough, I'm not being 'Tallulah' enough.

I felt like my life had become all give and no take. That from every direction, I was surrounded by people who either don't consider me at all, or only consider me when they want something from me. *I am aware that this isn't true, but at one point it felt like that*.

And so, with still feeling the fear of pain attacking again, I have pulled my big girl pants up as far as they'll go. For the past two weeks, I've been fighting the urge to wallow in tiredness and giving up. I'm not that woman. I don't give up. Ever.

It still pisses me off that I may be on medication for the rest of my charmed life, but I'll take the win that there's nothing more sinister wrong with my body.

Stress. Fucking stress.

I've begun to make changes, small but manageable. Except for the big one - my marriage. This has a pin in it for now because I need to take care of myself. I need to be my full self to figure out if my marriage is over or if I'm going to put effort into it because of all the things I *can* change, I can't change him.

But for now, I am building this fucker back up because nothing and no-one can break who I truly am.

Science's inability to diagnose your problem does not make the problem less real.

You owe nobody but yourself anything.

Come here as you can. We take you as you are. Piss on anyone who doesn't understand or accept that.

 

[*Twisted*]

People widely discount the effects that stress can have on physical health. I hope you find a way to get the peace you need to reset and be in less pain.

 

[MrPimms]

Stress can do terrible things to the body.

Make the small changes that make your life better, keep the things that make you feel more at home in your life. It’s difficult because some people will understand, some won’t. Some people know that minimising stress means having limited contact with the outside world, that you cultivate your own circle of people that add to your life.

As Eyes put above: responding to the post is difficult, because so much in there that it’s a roller coaster. Yes, the love is apt.

You’ve got people that love you in your life, people that want the best for you. Family, friends, pervs.

 

[TXRafe]

You have never had to be anyone other than yourself. Your personality is magnetic, your charm and wit are unmamtched, even when youre gone for months, your return is met with cheers and hugs and people just happy to see you. Youre so strong and brave and stubborn, always taking it all on and doing it all on your own. Just know that the people who care about you are here for you, whether there is naughty time or not, whether you can no longer fake a smile or everything is finally calm for the moment. Im happy to have even the smallest bit of you in my life and there are countless others here who are here for you too.

 

[Tallulah82]

Hopefully they will eventually find the issue. My Mom had severe back pain for years and doctor after doctor told her it was all in her head. Eventually she found the right doctor and he discovered that she had a mass on her spine the size of a grapefruit. They had to do two surgeries to remove it. It was not in her head.

My sister would vomit from stress and she was told to handle her stress better. She had a hernia that was causing it.

It sucks that women still have to fight for proper medical care while being everything for everybody.

We're here for you and wish you nothing but the best.

Thank you.

I have a follow up appointment in March '27, by which time I intend to be in a much healthier body and mind, and so if I still need the meds because of pain then I know my consultant will try other avenues. He wasn't happy sending me off but he had tested everything relating to how it's presenting. And if the vomiting continues despite the work on my stress, then I'll be back to the docs and demanding more before then.

And yes. With recent revelations (not unsurprising) that medicine has been built around men, there is a long way to go for women's health to be acknowledged in its own right. Fuck the patriarchy!

 

[ScarletDaisy]

We've only crossed paths on threads, but I've always enjoyed your voice. Your post reminded me of something...

I helped my mom pack up the house I grew up in and move... This was years (and years) ago. We were cleaning out cabinets in the kitchen and she pulled out an expired bottle of TUMS and just looked at it... She said, "wow. I forgot I had these. I had to eat them like candy when your dad was still here. I can't remember the last time I took one." and then she threw the expired bottle away.

So much can be environmental. Especially if you soak it up and just absorb it.

 

[hotoldrguy]

I always thought that it would be my knees that got me first. Not because of THAT, you pervs, but arthritis is in my future, there is no doubt. I've worn knee supports for years during exercise. I had to stop running about 9 years ago due to the further damage it was causing (I miss it so!).

But alas. It is my gut that is now my #1 health issue. Or more specifically, stress that triggers gut issues.

I've been on meds since January for controlling the searing pain I get (not after food, just randomly, because my gut is a twat). The doctors have been dismissing it for years as stress based gastro-reflux and let (made?) me get on with suffering without considering it could be something else.

That was until earlier this year when I went back to the docs again (4th time? in 6 years). The pain had gotten to the point where it would sear my chest for about an hour, make me nauseous and sweaty, and be utterly drained from the experience that I'd be wiped out for the rest of the day.

There was no pattern to it other than generally once a month. I'd tracked it all. I couldn't predict it.

So, I insisted that this was becoming debilitating. Yes, just once a month. But every month. And my god, the pain was awful. So, finally, I got put on some meds and referred to a consultant who was horrified that I'd been in this state for literally years.

The meds worked and I had scans, I had blood tests and more blood tests. I had an endoscopy.

And in the summer, he sat opposite me and looked utterly disappointed and apologetic. There is nothing wrong with me. On paper, I'm absolutely fine. That's great news! Except for the fact that I was on medication to stop a once-a-month pain attack that wiped me for hours.

He admitted that my gall bladder walls are slightly thicker than usual, but not enough to warrant a removal. And the pain and its pattern I describe doesn't meet gallstones (not that the scan picked up those either).

With a sigh, he admitted that it must indeed be stress-based gastro reflux. And so it looks like I'm now permanently on meds to manage it.

He mentioned diet/losing weight: I said sure, but this started when I was 20lbs lighter (many years ago) so whilst I'm already on that path, that's not the solution.

He mentioned changing my lifestyle to reduce my stress. This is not as simple as it sounds. I don't share really personal information in public, suffice to say that my commitments are what they are. (Of course, an intense year of home improvement stuff that is still continuing is NOT helping matters!).

But it wasn't until nearly three weeks ago when I had the most severe attack (despite being on meds) where I actually ended up vomiting, that I acknowledged how I've let stress become the norm and realised I'd allowed myself to fall to the bottom of the priority pile.

I hit a point where I sat and realised I'd fallen back into old old habits of people-pleasing. To be the strong one, the capable one, to be the sympathetic one, carries such a price. To be the daughter who jumps to help an elderly parent despite the toxic undertones. To be a mother of the children I have, where meetings and appointments rule my diary and their needs are my ultimate priority. To be the wife of someone whose selfishness rules the relationship. To be the friend who is barely around anyway and carries guilt that I'm not a good enough friend (not their expectations, but my own. They are my lifeline). To be the lover who is afraid of looking like I'm rejecting advances because sex is the last thing I can deal with (again, my fears rather than reality). To be the online friend who is always on guard, ready to be told the friendship is over because I didn't give enough, I wasn't around enough, I'm not being 'Tallulah' enough.

I felt like my life had become all give and no take. That from every direction, I was surrounded by people who either don't consider me at all, or only consider me when they want something from me. *I am aware that this isn't true, but at one point it felt like that*.

And so, with still feeling the fear of pain attacking again, I have pulled my big girl pants up as far as they'll go. For the past two weeks, I've been fighting the urge to wallow in tiredness and giving up. I'm not that woman. I don't give up. Ever.

It still pisses me off that I may be on medication for the rest of my charmed life, but I'll take the win that there's nothing more sinister wrong with my body.

Stress. Fucking stress.

I've begun to make changes, small but manageable. Except for the big one - my marriage. This has a pin in it for now because I need to take care of myself. I need to be my full self to figure out if my marriage is over or if I'm going to put effort into it because of all the things I *can* change, I can't change him.

But for now, I am building this fucker back up because nothing and no-one can break who I truly am.

One of the hardest thing to do is to break lifelong patterns and boost your self esteem. You are right to take a step back and tend to your own needs and wants. I know you will stay strong in your journey because that is who you are and what you do.

 

[Tallulah82]

I didn't know how to react to this, in the end I decided on
Although I am so sorry to hear this is something you have been dealing with for so long, I love the fact you have hit the point of realisation and are now prioritising yourself.

You are a strong, phenomenal lady but that doesn't mean your cup is bottomless (I don't know if that is a saying but hope you get what I mean).
The people who rely on you to do everything for them need to cope for themselves. You can't be everything all the time.

Stress can do serious damage to your body. I hope you start to recover as you make time for you, put yourself first.
But if not, keep chasing those doctors.

Thank you

I've been here before where my people-pleasing has led to me to become overly concerned about upsetting others. I've fought hard in my adulthood to become strong and confident and it pisses me off that somehow I slipped backwards when I wasn't looking. Argh!

I love who I am but sometimes the insecurities become loud and it's easier to dig ones head into the sand and pretend all is ok. But that's not my real life. And I'd rather burn things to the ground than become someone who can be emotionally manipulated because of the false sense of belonging.

The stress... I genuinely had a panic that at my age, things like Stroke are much more likely. So whilst I usually thrive on a healthy dose of short-term stress, I am not going to let it burrow under my skin and live there.

 

[Tallulah82]

Science's inability to diagnose your problem does not make the problem less real.

You owe nobody but yourself anything.

Come here as you can. We take you as you are. Piss on anyone who doesn't understand or accept that.

Sorry babes, I just can't get into Piss Play.

(Thank you )

People widely discount the effects that stress can have on physical health. I hope you find a way to get the peace you need to reset and be in less pain.

I am reminding myself every day of the impact. I shall prevail! Thank you

Stress can do terrible things to the body.

Make the small changes that make your life better, keep the things that make you feel more at home in your life. It’s difficult because some people will understand, some won’t. Some people know that minimising stress means having limited contact with the outside world, that you cultivate your own circle of people that add to your life.

As Eyes put above: responding to the post is difficult, because so much in there that it’s a roller coaster. Yes, the love is apt.

You’ve got people that love you in your life, people that want the best for you. Family, friends, pervs.

You are the bees knees, my darling. Thank you

You have never had to be anyone other than yourself. Your personality is magnetic, your charm and wit are unmamtched, even when youre gone for months, your return is met with cheers and hugs and people just happy to see you. Youre so strong and brave and stubborn, always taking it all on and doing it all on your own. Just know that the people who care about you are here for you, whether there is naughty time or not, whether you can no longer fake a smile or everything is finally calm for the moment. Im happy to have even the smallest bit of you in my life and there are countless others here who are here for you too.

I'll take the stubborn. And I know that much of my post actually stems from in my head, rather than real experiences but my mind is a fucking douchecanoe sometimes.
Thank you

 

[Qky75]

Sorry babes, I just can't get into Piss Play.

(Thank you )

You damn well know precisely my meaning you goof. I dislike saying "fuck 'em" as I'd see a fucking as a positive thing.

 

[Tallulah82]

We've only crossed paths on threads, but I've always enjoyed your voice. Your post reminded me of something...

I helped my mom pack up the house I grew up in and move... This was years (and years) ago. We were cleaning out cabinets in the kitchen and she pulled out an expired bottle of TUMS and just looked at it... She said, "wow. I forgot I had these. I had to eat them like candy when your dad was still here. I can't remember the last time I took one." and then she threw the expired bottle away.

So much can be environmental. Especially if you soak it up and just absorb it.

This resonates for sure. I have a lot to work on, but it will be done.

Thank you.

 

[deft]

 

[Tallulah82]

One of the hardest thing to do is to break lifelong patterns and boost your self esteem. You are right to take a step back and tend to your own needs and wants. I know you will stay strong in your journey because that is who you are and what you do.

I don't think I'll ever truly break the pattern. It's too ingrained from my childhood. But I can be - and usually am - consciously aware of fighting for myself and what I need. This year has been an unusually demanding one, which explains a lot but regardless, things are changing!

Thank you

 

[MrPimms]

You are the bees knees, my darling. Thank you

You do know that knees are an erogenous zone?

 

[hotoldrguy]

I don't think I'll ever truly break the pattern. It's too ingrained from my childhood. But I can be - and usually am - consciously aware of fighting for myself and what I need. This year has been an unusually demanding one, which explains a lot but regardless, things are changing!

Thank you

Glad to hear things are changing for the better

 

[Cwtchseeker]

I always thought that it would be my knees that got me first. Not because of THAT, you pervs, but arthritis is in my future, there is no doubt. I've worn knee supports for years during exercise. I had to stop running about 9 years ago due to the further damage it was causing (I miss it so!).

But alas. It is my gut that is now my #1 health issue. Or more specifically, stress that triggers gut issues.

I've been on meds since January for controlling the searing pain I get (not after food, just randomly, because my gut is a twat). The doctors have been dismissing it for years as stress based gastro-reflux and let (made?) me get on with suffering without considering it could be something else.

That was until earlier this year when I went back to the docs again (4th time? in 6 years). The pain had gotten to the point where it would sear my chest for about an hour, make me nauseous and sweaty, and be utterly drained from the experience that I'd be wiped out for the rest of the day.

There was no pattern to it other than generally once a month. I'd tracked it all. I couldn't predict it.

So, I insisted that this was becoming debilitating. Yes, just once a month. But every month. And my god, the pain was awful. So, finally, I got put on some meds and referred to a consultant who was horrified that I'd been in this state for literally years.

The meds worked and I had scans, I had blood tests and more blood tests. I had an endoscopy.

And in the summer, he sat opposite me and looked utterly disappointed and apologetic. There is nothing wrong with me. On paper, I'm absolutely fine. That's great news! Except for the fact that I was on medication to stop a once-a-month pain attack that wiped me for hours.

He admitted that my gall bladder walls are slightly thicker than usual, but not enough to warrant a removal. And the pain and its pattern I describe doesn't meet gallstones (not that the scan picked up those either).

With a sigh, he admitted that it must indeed be stress-based gastro reflux. And so it looks like I'm now permanently on meds to manage it.

He mentioned diet/losing weight: I said sure, but this started when I was 20lbs lighter (many years ago) so whilst I'm already on that path, that's not the solution.

He mentioned changing my lifestyle to reduce my stress. This is not as simple as it sounds. I don't share really personal information in public, suffice to say that my commitments are what they are. (Of course, an intense year of home improvement stuff that is still continuing is NOT helping matters!).

But it wasn't until nearly three weeks ago when I had the most severe attack (despite being on meds) where I actually ended up vomiting, that I acknowledged how I've let stress become the norm and realised I'd allowed myself to fall to the bottom of the priority pile.

I hit a point where I sat and realised I'd fallen back into old old habits of people-pleasing. To be the strong one, the capable one, to be the sympathetic one, carries such a price. To be the daughter who jumps to help an elderly parent despite the toxic undertones. To be a mother of the children I have, where meetings and appointments rule my diary and their needs are my ultimate priority. To be the wife of someone whose selfishness rules the relationship. To be the friend who is barely around anyway and carries guilt that I'm not a good enough friend (not their expectations, but my own. They are my lifeline). To be the lover who is afraid of looking like I'm rejecting advances because sex is the last thing I can deal with (again, my fears rather than reality). To be the online friend who is always on guard, ready to be told the friendship is over because I didn't give enough, I wasn't around enough, I'm not being 'Tallulah' enough.

I felt like my life had become all give and no take. That from every direction, I was surrounded by people who either don't consider me at all, or only consider me when they want something from me. *I am aware that this isn't true, but at one point it felt like that*.

And so, with still feeling the fear of pain attacking again, I have pulled my big girl pants up as far as they'll go. For the past two weeks, I've been fighting the urge to wallow in tiredness and giving up. I'm not that woman. I don't give up. Ever.

It still pisses me off that I may be on medication for the rest of my charmed life, but I'll take the win that there's nothing more sinister wrong with my body.

Stress. Fucking stress.

I've begun to make changes, small but manageable. Except for the big one - my marriage. This has a pin in it for now because I need to take care of myself. I need to be my full self to figure out if my marriage is over or if I'm going to put effort into it because of all the things I *can* change, I can't change him.

But for now, I am building this fucker back up because nothing and no-one can break who I truly am.

Sending bountiful Cwtches your way

Stress is such a vicious beast. It can knock people completely sideways, both physically and mentally.

It is so frustrating that you’ve had to go through the health situation for so long and that the doctors, and tests, haven’t found the cause. Hopefully they will find and get to the bottom of it. The waiting for a definitive answer though must be horrendous, especially with pain too. I hope the meds are at least helping to ease the pain you’re feeling

As for self care, being yourself for yourself first is soooo necessary.

The love, the care, the consideration you give yourself, is every bit, if not more important as the love, care or attention, that you impart to those around you.

Those that truly love and care for you, both here, and away from the screen, will understand it and want you to be healthy, happy and appreciated. Because to them, you are important. For those who don’t, well they can do one.

You can see from the responses above, and my own, just how much your presence lights up other people’s world or day. That speaks volumes of the positive impact you have, the delight we have in your company, how infectious your presence is, and how it is felt, noticed and appreciated.

You are a beautiful, phenomenal, tenacious, bright, charming, witty, vivacious and special woman, that I and many here, are very thankful to have in their life.

And importantly, please know that you’ve got both me, and the many others here, that are absolutely rooting for you too, wanting both the health and home situations to ease for you, for them to resolve themselves without
causing you more hurt or pain, or just finally allowing you some calmness, and an opportunity to feel like yourself.

At the same time, we’re also wanting the very best for you and to give you our support, love, care, and strength to draw from.

I am probably not conveying it well but I hope this and the other messages, help give you strength, allow some of the fears to subside and show some of the kindness you give, is reciprocated and appreciated.

So our resident Warrior Queen, in summary, you are amazing, please keep being you and take what you need to feel you.

We know you’ve got this, but please know you’re not fighting alone and we’re all here for you.

Sending you tonnes of virtual Cwtches

(cant get too close though as body armour chafes awful!)

❤

 

[Tallulah82]

Sending bountiful Cwtches your way

Stress is such a vicious beast. It can knock people completely sideways, both physically and mentally.

It is so frustrating that you’ve had to go through the health situation for so long and that the doctors, and tests, haven’t found the cause. Hopefully they will find and get to the bottom of it. The waiting for a definitive answer though must be horrendous, especially with pain too. I hope the meds are at least helping to ease the pain you’re feeling

As for self care, being yourself for yourself first is soooo necessary.

The love, the care, the consideration you give yourself, is every bit, if not more important as the love, care or attention, that you impart to those around you.

Those that truly love and care for you, both here, and away from the screen, will understand it and want you to be healthy, happy and appreciated. Because to them, you are important. For those who don’t, well they can do one.

You can see from the responses above, and my own, just how much your presence lights up other people’s world or day. That speaks volumes of the positive impact you have, the delight we have in your company, how infectious your presence is, and how it is felt, noticed and appreciated.

You are a beautiful, phenomenal, tenacious, bright, charming, witty, vivacious and special woman, that I and many here, are very thankful to have in their life.

And importantly, please know that you’ve got both me, and the many others here, that are absolutely rooting for you too, wanting both the health and home situations to ease for you, for them to resolve themselves without
causing you more hurt or pain, or just finally allowing you some calmness, and an opportunity to feel like yourself.

At the same time, we’re also wanting the very best for you and to give you our support, love, care, and strength to draw from.

I am probably not conveying it well but I hope this and the other messages, help give you strength, allow some of the fears to subside and show some of the kindness you give, is reciprocated and appreciated.

So our resident Warrior Queen, in summary, you are amazing, please keep being you and take what you need to feel you.

We know you’ve got this, but please know you’re not fighting alone and we’re all here for you.

Sending you tonnes of virtual Cwtches

(cant get too close though as body armour chafes awful!)

❤

I'll take the Cwtches but please shush otherwise I'll have to gag you.

I didn't post my post to get validation or OTT praise (I know that's not your intention). I know I'm a fucking amazing person and I deserve unicorns and ice-cream vending machines that never run out.

Ok, enough seriousness now. I'm off to poke people.

(Thank you )

 

[MrPimms]

I'll take the Cwtches but please shush otherwise I'll have to gag you.

I didn't post my post to get validation or OTT praise (I know that's not your intention). I know I'm a fucking amazing person and I deserve unicorns and ice-cream vending machines that never run out.

Ok, enough seriousness now. I'm off to poke people.

(Thank you )

Have you got a special pokey stick?

 

[Tallulah82]

Have you got a special pokey stick?

Absofuckinglutely