catsr2wild
Taking it easy
- Joined
- Jan 15, 2004
- Posts
- 40,268
Missingmeds said:
and leaves room for a lot more fun....
The Bears Den
- Thread starter MaryBears
- Start date
- Status
and leaves room for a lot more fun....
catsr2wild
Taking it easy
- Joined
- Jan 15, 2004
- Posts
- 40,268
Hi Mary, it does seem to be bumping right along don't it....Hope you're doing well. Been here quite a bit today......
Puddin36
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2001
- Posts
- 1,853
Hello to MaryBears, Cats, kayte, missing, and Pall. Nice to see that your thread is moving right along Mary. Sorry that I havne't been around much lately. Was on the pc real late Tues. night celebrating my birthday that was on Wed............had a great time. And since then I have been working and have very little alone time to get online and check the thread. Lots of great pics and stories and jokes. Took, me a while to get caught up, but I did and enjoyed everyone's posts.
We had a huge snow storm here Thursday night........ended up with about 7 inches. Took me forever to get shoveled out, but I made it and I am back home safely now. I won't be online much this weekend as it is my long weekend to work. Good news tho........the lady that I care for seems to be doing better this week, so hopefully I will have an enjoyable weekend with her.
Hope that everyone has a safe warm weekend...........and have some fun too!!!!!! Miss all of you and can't wait to be able to post more again.
Warm Snuggles to all...........Puddin
We had a huge snow storm here Thursday night........ended up with about 7 inches. Took me forever to get shoveled out, but I made it and I am back home safely now. I won't be online much this weekend as it is my long weekend to work. Good news tho........the lady that I care for seems to be doing better this week, so hopefully I will have an enjoyable weekend with her.
Hope that everyone has a safe warm weekend...........and have some fun too!!!!!! Miss all of you and can't wait to be able to post more again.
Warm Snuggles to all...........Puddin
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
Puddin36 said:
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{puddin}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Glad to see you back....I know life seems to sometimes get to busy to let you have time to relax and enjoy yourself......You keep warm and safe.......And hopefully your weekend will be good even though you must work so you can pay those bills......You will be in my thoughts and prayers for a safe weekend
Puddin36
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2001
- Posts
- 1,853
MaryBears said:
{{{{{{{{{{{{{MaryBears}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Glad to be back for a few minutes anyway. It has started snowing again here, I sure hope there isn't as much accumulation as last night. You have a safe and enjoyable weekend too.
Warm Snuggles to all...........Puddin
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
Redneck Sex Test
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False
2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False
3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False
5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False
6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False
7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False
8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False
9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False
10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False
13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False
14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False
15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
True or False
16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False
17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False
20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False
22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
True or False
23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False
25. Douche is the French word for "twelve".
True or False
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False
2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False
3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False
5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False
6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False
7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False
8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False
9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False
10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False
13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False
14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False
15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
True or False
16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False
17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False
20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False
22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
True or False
23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False
25. Douche is the French word for "twelve".
True or False
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
Crude Sex Jokes VIII
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
A. Vomit
Q. How can you tell if you eat pussy well?
A. You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.
Q. Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
A. He did okay until his business fell off.
Q. What's the best thing about marrying a woman with leprosy?
A. She can only give you lip once!
Q. If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?
A. The Captains Dinghy!
Q. What does 70 year old pussy taste like?
A. Depends!
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to use it.
Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. Why don't men have mid-life crises?
A. They stay stuck in adolescence.
Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.
Q. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he is God's gift?
A. Exchange him.
Q. What did the guy say to his dick after he found that the girl he's getting ready to fuck has genital warts?
A. "Hang on, boy! It's gonna be a bumpy ride!"
Q. Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman?
A. Because you have to hollow the head out.
Q. What is the only game in which the more you lose, the more you have to show for it?
A. Strip Poker
Q. What do you call a van with 5 faggots in it?
A. The aids team.
Q. What did the boy vampire say to the girl vampire?
A. See you next period.
Q. What's the hardest thing about a sex change operation?
A. Inserting the anchovies.
Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes.
Q. What do you call a female clown?
A. A Clunt
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
A. Vomit
Q. How can you tell if you eat pussy well?
A. You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.
Q. Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
A. He did okay until his business fell off.
Q. What's the best thing about marrying a woman with leprosy?
A. She can only give you lip once!
Q. If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?
A. The Captains Dinghy!
Q. What does 70 year old pussy taste like?
A. Depends!
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to use it.
Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. Why don't men have mid-life crises?
A. They stay stuck in adolescence.
Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.
Q. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he is God's gift?
A. Exchange him.
Q. What did the guy say to his dick after he found that the girl he's getting ready to fuck has genital warts?
A. "Hang on, boy! It's gonna be a bumpy ride!"
Q. Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman?
A. Because you have to hollow the head out.
Q. What is the only game in which the more you lose, the more you have to show for it?
A. Strip Poker
Q. What do you call a van with 5 faggots in it?
A. The aids team.
Q. What did the boy vampire say to the girl vampire?
A. See you next period.
Q. What's the hardest thing about a sex change operation?
A. Inserting the anchovies.
Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes.
Q. What do you call a female clown?
A. A Clunt
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
Dirty Jokes Part XXXIII
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynecologist due to a itchy rash in her puss... when she gets there the doctor checked her out and asked "when is the last time you've had sex?" the old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin.. he checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady "I don't really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt...Your cherry has rotted"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best, " the first guy says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy "What about you?". "Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were these two gay guys that give each other anal each night. One night before they give each other anal one of the guys has to go to the toilet. So the other guy says "okay but don't wank in there, save it for later." and the first guy agrees. This guy was in the toilet for a while so the other gay guy decides to check on him. Once he opens the toilet door he sees lots of seamen everywhere. He gets angry and yells "I thought I told you not to wank and to save it for later!" to the first gay guy. The first gay guy replies "I didn't wank, I just farted."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom. When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean." The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it. So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole. Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman... She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A middle aged couple went to a spouse swapping party. They met a Martian couple and thought it would be nice to switch partners for the night. So they went off with the opposite spouse. When the woman saw the male martians' penis she said "Well that's nice but it's kind of short isn't it?" Well the martian reached up and patted his head. While he did that his penis got longer and longer. The woman saw that and said "That's nice but it's not very fat is it?" The martian reached up and pulled on his ears. As he was doing that his penis got fatter and fatter. The women had a grand time that night. In the morning the man and woman were comparing their experience. The woman said "I really enjoyed myself, we should swap again." The man said "I enjoyed it too but, I just can't figure out why she kept patting my head and pulling my ears!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument. So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused.
So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a gift. "Any thing at all, my love", the guy said, overcome with remorse. "Oh, I don't know", she replied, "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need."
The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "It's Thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you
who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises! his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba,
tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Heck! From way back there I thought you said "Goats!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynecologist due to a itchy rash in her puss... when she gets there the doctor checked her out and asked "when is the last time you've had sex?" the old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin.. he checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady "I don't really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt...Your cherry has rotted"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best, " the first guy says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy "What about you?". "Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were these two gay guys that give each other anal each night. One night before they give each other anal one of the guys has to go to the toilet. So the other guy says "okay but don't wank in there, save it for later." and the first guy agrees. This guy was in the toilet for a while so the other gay guy decides to check on him. Once he opens the toilet door he sees lots of seamen everywhere. He gets angry and yells "I thought I told you not to wank and to save it for later!" to the first gay guy. The first gay guy replies "I didn't wank, I just farted."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom. When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean." The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it. So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole. Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman... She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A middle aged couple went to a spouse swapping party. They met a Martian couple and thought it would be nice to switch partners for the night. So they went off with the opposite spouse. When the woman saw the male martians' penis she said "Well that's nice but it's kind of short isn't it?" Well the martian reached up and patted his head. While he did that his penis got longer and longer. The woman saw that and said "That's nice but it's not very fat is it?" The martian reached up and pulled on his ears. As he was doing that his penis got fatter and fatter. The women had a grand time that night. In the morning the man and woman were comparing their experience. The woman said "I really enjoyed myself, we should swap again." The man said "I enjoyed it too but, I just can't figure out why she kept patting my head and pulling my ears!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”
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These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"
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A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument. So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused.
So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a gift. "Any thing at all, my love", the guy said, overcome with remorse. "Oh, I don't know", she replied, "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need."
The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.
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Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "It's Thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"
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A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you
who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises! his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba,
tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Heck! From way back there I thought you said "Goats!"
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
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MaryBears
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catsr2wild
Taking it easy
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***applause*** applause*** applause***
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
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Remember,
there is no way you can look as bad as that person on your drivers
license.
1. Throw out
nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the
doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only
cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning.
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let
the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the
devil's
name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple
things.
5. Laugh often, long
and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen.
Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire
life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself
with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music,
plants,
hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your
health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If
it
is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt
trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign
country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people
you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
11. Don't sweat
the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Humpty Dumpty was
pushed!
If you don't send
this to at least 8 people.... who gives a flip??
there is no way you can look as bad as that person on your drivers
license.
1. Throw out
nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the
doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only
cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning.
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let
the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the
devil's
name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple
things.
5. Laugh often, long
and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen.
Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire
life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself
with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music,
plants,
hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your
health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If
it
is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt
trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign
country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people
you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
11. Don't sweat
the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Humpty Dumpty was
pushed!
If you don't send
this to at least 8 people.... who gives a flip??
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Good morning {{{{{{{{{{{Mary}}}}}}}} 
I am in a very chipper mood today.
Went out to dinner with some friends last night. We had a marvelous time.....
And then..... After all but one of them left, he and I 'visited'.
Hope you have a great weekend darlin.
I am in a very chipper mood today.
Went out to dinner with some friends last night. We had a marvelous time.....
And then..... After all but one of them left, he and I 'visited'.
Hope you have a great weekend darlin.
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Chuckles
Had these sent to me and I thought they were funny. For any men out there makes up for all the blond jokes.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
_______________________
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
______________________
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you've succeeded.
______________________
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
_______________________
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
______________________
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.
_______________________
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Got to love that fairy!
__________________
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
* And her husband is on the back of the milk carton
A PRAYER.... Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; love to forgive him; and patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Had these sent to me and I thought they were funny. For any men out there makes up for all the blond jokes.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
_______________________
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
______________________
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you've succeeded.
______________________
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
_______________________
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
______________________
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.
_______________________
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Got to love that fairy!
__________________
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
* And her husband is on the back of the milk carton
A PRAYER.... Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; love to forgive him; and patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
*Giggles*
Father Murphy Walks Into a Bar. . .
Father Murphy walks into a bar and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Brien and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Brien said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Brien said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Father Murphy Walks Into a Bar. . .
Father Murphy walks into a bar and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Brien and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Brien said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Brien said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
kayte said:Good morning {{{{{{{{{{{Mary}}}}}}}}
I am in a very chipper mood today.
Went out to dinner with some friends last night. We had a marvelous time.....
And then..... After all but one of them left, he and I 'visited'.
Hope you have a great weekend darlin.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kayte}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Good Morning
I am happy for you.....I hope your "visit" was exciting and fun filled evening/night........You deserve to be treated.
I have to do laundry and I am suppose to go out tonight if the weather is permitting......so we will see
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
MaryBears said:{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kayte}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Good Morning
I am happy for you.....I hope your "visit" was exciting and fun filled evening/night........You deserve to be treated.
I have to do laundry and I am suppose to go out tonight if the weather is permitting......so we will see
Thank you darling!!
Hope you have a very special time tonight dear!!
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
Your very welcome.....and I am going to try to have a good time.....My friends brother plays in a band and they are playing tonight.....so we are going to watch....kayte said:Thank you darling!!
Hope you have a very special time tonight dear!!
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
Your very welcome.....and I am going to try to have a good time.....My friends brother plays in a band and they are playing tonight.....so we are going to watch....kayte said:Thank you darling!!
Hope you have a very special time tonight dear!!
catsr2wild
Taking it easy
- Joined
- Jan 15, 2004
- Posts
- 40,268
giggle....nice kayte and I think I know that 1st guy with the sweatshirt.... be careful out there Mary and have a great time!
See you all later....
See you all later....
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