The beauty of submissive men

[coati]

Thanks Coati,

I have been with a few 24/7 Dommes. I did learn a lot from one in particular but in the end I needed more compassion and caring.

ES

ES,

Yes, I need the affection, also, which is what got me in trouble with this particular Domme. I was just too fuckin' needy.

I know not all Dommes are like her, but she definitely was not acting or role playing. She was in charge. That is just the price her friends and subs have to pay if they want to be around one of the most insightful people in the world.

Imagine someone who knows you much better than you know yourself. That is what it was like being with her. I held on for as long as I could (3 years), and it was way better than a college education for recognizing things about myself that I just could not see before.

My time with her was magical.

 

[Sam5556]

Wow!

Yes please

 

[eroticspank]

ES,

Yes, I need the affection, also, which is what got me in trouble with this particular Domme. I was just too fuckin' needy.

I know not all Dommes are like her, but she definitely was not acting or role playing. She was in charge. That is just the price her friends and subs have to pay if they want to be around one of the most insightful people in the world.

Imagine someone who knows you much better than you know yourself. That is what it was like being with her. I held on for as long as I could (3 years), and it was way better than a college education for recognizing things about myself that I just could not see before.

My time with her was magical.

I see your point, and can see you learned a lot about yourself--one of those things being you need affection. Like in the movie 9 1/2 weeks, though you were transfixed you had to move on.

I believe there are more of those type of women out there, but with the type of personality that matches yours. In my case I met one who was a Pro. I was amazed at how much she knew about me and my body. I feel it is chemistry, not book learning or memorizing. That kind of chemistry can be found in just about any woman out there.

ES

 

[eroticspank]

Because people don't understand them. A woman with power over someone let alone a man challenges their preconceived and comfortable and slightly misogynistic worldview on proper gender roles. So they compensate by making dommes into a caricature of someone who's bitchy and cold-hearted and insensitive when in reality Dommes are a lot like dominant men they cover the whole spectrum of personality attributes.

So to all you ladies out there considering to take over the reigns at least once with their significant other...forget the stereotypical image of a ball-busting dominatrix in your mind...you can hold control, you can dominate your man and be warm and sensitive and kind at the same time. Don't let them hold you back from taking hold of your power because you don't want to be sadistic and cruel to him.

Preach! Very well said

ES

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

...in reality Dommes are a lot like dominant men they cover the whole spectrum of personality attributes...

Preach! Very well said

ES

Excellent point! It took me a while to realize that Doms weren't always type-A/choleric/driver/pyl personalities, and that dominant qualities can exist independent of personality type.

Good reminder, Veroe, thank you.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

ES,

Yes, I need the affection, also, which is what got me in trouble with this particular Domme. I was just too fuckin' needy.

I know I'm taking this out of context, but i want to assure you that having a high touch-need doesn't make you 'too needy.'

There is a book about the five love languages that talks about the ways in which we speak and hear love from those we care about. One of those languages is Physical Touch, and it refers to non-sexual touch-- IOW affection.

I happen to have a high touch-need and a high sex drive. When I go to visit my friend Beardy, we are in constant phyical contact, even while we sleep. I am fortunate that he has a high touch-need as well and enjoys all of the affection as much as I do.

I have learned that it does bad things to my spirit when I apologize for or try to deny the way that I am hard-wired. I have accepted that lots of sex and lots of touching are deal-breakers for me in a relationship, and that being completely open about that with potential partners and saves us both a lot of trouble.

 

[coati]

I know I'm taking this out of context, but i want to assure you that having a high touch-need doesn't make you 'too needy.'

There is a book about the five love languages that talks about the ways in which we speak and hear love from those we care about. One of those languages is Physical Touch, and it refers to non-sexual touch-- IOW affection.

I happen to have a high touch-need and a high sex drive. When I go to visit my friend Beardy, we are in constant phyical contact, even while we sleep. I am fortunate that he has a high touch-need as well and enjoys all of the affection as much as I do.

I have learned that it does bad things to my spirit when I apologize for or try to deny the way that I am hard-wired. I have accepted that lots of sex and lots of touching are deal-breakers for me in a relationship, and that being completely open about that with potential partners and saves us both a lot of trouble.

Oh, I definitely hear you, Wild Honey and ES. This Domme I referred to told me the same thing, and I have now been in a 10-year relationship with someone who understands this need I have for affection and reassurance.

But the way that I blew it with this Domme was in getting involved sexually in the first place, and then wanting her to reassure that bond all the time. She warned me that it would be a tough way to go with her. I see now that I should have been content in that particular relationship with something much more platonic in nature. I say that because I miss talking with her so much. You may know how sex can create such a hot fire that it burns bridges.

So anyway, in retrospect, I realize that our sexual relationship was not sustainable, but our relationship on other levels was the most interesting and revealing one that I have ever had. I should have stuck with some of the other love languages you spoke of for this particular relationship, Wild Honey. I am capable of loving more than one person at a time.

So, a warning to other guys, submission need not always involve sex. May not seem like an appropriate thing to say on Lit, but it's true.

 

[DudeA]

Crazy statistics... only 8 percent of female BDSM practitioners are dominant and 16 percent switch.

Of the BDSM practitioners, 33 percent of the men reported being submissive, 48 percent dominant and 18 percent "switch," or willing to switch between submissive and dominant roles in bed. About 75 percent of the female BDSM respondents were submissive, 8 percent dominant and 16 percent switch.

http://www.livescience.com/34832-bdsm-healthy-psychology.html

 

[eroticspank]

So, a warning to other guys, submission need not always involve sex. May not seem like an appropriate thing to say on Lit, but it's true.

I agree with this completely. I think we all are "service" oriented, it is in our nature. To me, part of that is doing things for our partners. Making sure she has the most comfortable pillow, give her the last piece of pizza, the best seat in the theater, first choice of things, etc.

ES

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Something I have considered before, and found myself thinking again today...

I spend a fair amount of time on the male-dom pic threads over on the Playground, and many of the ideas and images there are clearly slanted toward that particular dynamic, but not all. As a woman for whom the thought of a whip-and-stilettos style of dominance holds absolutely no appeal, i occasionally like to look at those threads from the perspective of a 'tender Domme.'

Tonight I came across a pic of a man cradling his woman in his arms, her arms around his neck, her head on his shoulder. And i wondered, must we assume that the man in that scenario is the dominant partner, and the woman the submissive? Is not a submissive man capable of caring for and comforting his woman? Does a dominant woman never have a need to be swept up in her lover's arms and reassured of his affection and support?

I think not. We humans are complicated creatures and don't fit neatly into boxes. A single image can never tell the entire story. And thank God for that, eh?

Many thanks, again, to the posters here who have made a strongly submissive woman feel welcome on a thread about female dominance.

 

[cascadiabound]

^^^^^ excellent point Honey.
I think you can take an image and read many different stories into it.
As many different stories as there are people who view it. We all come to imagery with our own needs, experiences and proclivities.

 

[coati]

As a woman for whom the thought of a whip-and-stilettos style of dominance holds absolutely no appeal, i occasionally like to look at those threads from the perspective of a 'tender Domme.'

The Domme I knew had packed up all her restraints and props in an old suitcase before she met me. Although she mentioned that she had a case full of equipment, she never used any of it on me. That did not matter-- I still knew she was in charge, and I loved being in that situation with her. I loved doing anything with her. Like ES implied, giving had never been more pleasurable.

She had some deep wounds. If there ever is a next time with her or someone similar, I will not mess it up with sex. It's just too easy to lose the tenuous but rewarding connection with such a fragile soul. Dominance was the exterior. Be careful with your Dommes.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

^^^^^ excellent point Honey.
I think you can take an image and read many different stories into it.
As many different stories as there are people who view it. We all come to imagery with our own needs, experiences and proclivities.

cb! Lovely to see you here, and thank you.

The Domme I knew had packed up all her restraints and props in an old suitcase before she met me. Although she mentioned that she had a case full of equipment, she never used any of it on me...

I will sound like I'm flip-flopping but I want to say that although the 'firm mistress' role doesn't resonate with me, I am loathe to rule anything out until I have tried it. I have said this elsewhere: I want to allow myself the freedom to be surprised.

 

[RickyBobby571]

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[eroticspank]

Tonight I came across a pic of a man cradling his woman in his arms, her arms around his neck, her head on his shoulder. And i wondered, must we assume that the man in that scenario is the dominant partner, and the woman the submissive? Is not a submissive man capable of caring for and comforting his woman? Does a dominant woman never have a need to be swept up in her lover's arms and reassured of his affection and support?

I think not. We humans are complicated creatures and don't fit neatly into boxes. A single image can never tell the entire story. And thank God for that, eh?

Many thanks, again, to the posters here who have made a strongly submissive woman feel welcome on a thread about female dominance.

I completely agree. I feel as humans our brain tends to naturally put things in a box or category. When it comes to people, we tend to do the same thing. Example: New York Cab drivers, Lawyers, Priests, and Strippers. If you are honest with yourself, when you read each of those words an image popped up in your head. In some cases due to a past experience, an emotion or physical reaction came with the image. This is where Stereotypes come from. Once they are in that particular group we assign characteristics to that group and they no longer become individuals but a member of the group. Before I go any further, let me say that I am okay with Stereotypes and or assigning characteristics as long as you remember they are general characteristics and don't apply to everyone in the group.

This especially applies to women an their exploration of their dominant side. As mentioned above, they are complicated creatures and are not easily put in one neat box. I clearly see more women peaking there heads through this door because of the atmosphere of acceptance, caring, and understanding.

As far as a picture having different meanings based on each person's point of view or past experience, I completely agree. I actually like looking at those "Dominant neutral" type of pictures and coming up with a story in my head to support either person's dominance over the other. I even like looking at the clearly dominant ones and coming up with how the line of dominance may not be that clear. It is the mind that is dominant and submissive not the act itself.

ES

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

It is the mind that is dominant and submissive not the act itself.

ES

Perfect!

 

[eroticspank]

http://pet0rmaster.tumblr.com/post/137140222583/wyw4-hands

I hope this imagery fits this thread, I think it does.

ES

 

[krissive69]

http://pet0rmaster.tumblr.com/post/137140222583/wyw4-hands

I hope this imagery fits this thread, I think it does.

ES

That's a NICE link... loved this one: http://66.media.tumblr.com/d1815bd9190b3f393817e3410ba8d3ae/tumblr_nvgde7y5Es1tgcz8po2_500.jpg

 

[turnofthepaige]

http://pet0rmaster.tumblr.com/post/137140222583/wyw4-hands

I hope this imagery fits this thread, I think it does.

ES

There's a lot to like on that tumblr account

 

[jackstud]

That's a NICE link... loved this one: http://66.media.tumblr.com/d1815bd9190b3f393817e3410ba8d3ae/tumblr_nvgde7y5Es1tgcz8po2_500.jpg

So do I

 

[luv2chat4u]

I'm finding this thread very interesting

The Domme I knew had packed up all her restraints and props in an old suitcase before she met me. Although she mentioned that she had a case full of equipment, she never used any of it on me. That did not matter-- I still knew she was in charge, and I loved being in that situation with her. I loved doing anything with her. Like ES implied, giving had never been more pleasurable.

She had some deep wounds. If there ever is a next time with her or someone similar, I will not mess it up with sex. It's just too easy to lose the tenuous but rewarding connection with such a fragile soul. Dominance was the exterior. Be careful with your Dommes.

In pursuit of trying to optimise the pleasure of both the Dom/Domme and Submissive you have to truly understand and trust and give yourself to one another during role play. Eroticism is such an exciting and subtle pleasure. It's the complexity of women in particular that makes BDSM so interesting and appealing. Through the erotic and imaginative aspects of our minds we reach places that can give us intense pleasure.
I'm not sure if my comments have been articulated well enough to be fully understood but I hope they add some insight to this very interesting thread.

 

[AfterDusk]

.....

 

[krissive69]

"I fight with myself, because to me it seems that being truly submissive ultimately gives you all the power...as in, I am allowing you to do this to me, because I want it."

that.

 

[SpunThings]

Yes! I agree. It seems like all of the femdom porn I've come across is for men voyeurs, and not women. If fact, it bothers me that when things are categorized, men with men is considered gay, but women with women is considered a fetish! That right there is proof that porn is aimed to please men. I might be alone in this, but I watch all kinds of porn. I don't care if it is men, women or those in between, I find it all beautiful and erotic.

Even as a woman, I struggle a lot with D/s. I want it, badly. I fight with myself, because to me it seems that being truly submissive ultimately gives you all the power...as in, I am allowing you to do this to me, because I want it. Then I wonder, do I want the power, or not? If I have to ask to be tied up and gagged, then am I not in control? I can tell you that as a woman who desperately wants to be a s, with a man who doesn't necessarily care to be a D, ig I have to tell him to slap me, choke me, bind my wrists to my ankles, it kills the mood and I can't get off.

I still don't know the answer to this, but I do know that I have a hard time watching femdom porn, especially cuckolding. It seems cruel to me, and when compared to watching women tied up by a male D, there seems to be no sense of pure enjoyment or tenderness. Honestly, when it comes to submissive men I prefer to watch the "gay" men with men, because the connection between the D/s seems less cold and fake, and more geared towards pleasure.

Porn IS made for men. You're not imagining things. I know I'm not a submissive man, but I couldn't help reply in this thread to your post. I get everything I want as a submissive, but only when and how he decides. Sometimes the things I want are things I'd never choose if you gave me the choice, but I want him to do those things. That's one reason he's in charge. You start with power, and give it to the right person. That's why some call it power exchange.

I've seen a lot of women say they like man on man porn for similar reasons.

Some people like cruel.

 

[Blakely123]

I've never found a woman who will make me her slave... But one day my dream will cum true