IrishSprite
Literotica Guru
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- Apr 27, 2007
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I often get jokes that amuse me to no end and thought I would create this thread to share the ones I like. Please feel free to add ones that you like and give other Litsers a laugh 
The Comedy Club
- Thread starter IrishSprite
- Start date
IrishSprite
Literotica Guru
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Eve's Talk With God
"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful
animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"And why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"Man? What is that Lord?"
"A flawed creature, with traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll
give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things.
I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.
He will be witless and will revel in childish things. He won't be as smart as you,
so he will need advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, Lord?"
"Well ... you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that Lord? "
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring ... so you'll have to let him
believe that I made him first...
And it will have to be our little secret .
...You know, woman to woman."
"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful
animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"And why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"Man? What is that Lord?"
"A flawed creature, with traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll
give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things.
I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.
He will be witless and will revel in childish things. He won't be as smart as you,
so he will need advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, Lord?"
"Well ... you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that Lord? "
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring ... so you'll have to let him
believe that I made him first...
And it will have to be our little secret .
...You know, woman to woman."
IrishSprite
Literotica Guru
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Springtime
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more. "I am so full, I don't thi nk I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"O K," said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat sneaks up and gobbles them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
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"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more. "I am so full, I don't thi nk I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"O K," said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat sneaks up and gobbles them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
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"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."
IrishSprite
Literotica Guru
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- Posts
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OneStone
There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many
years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????............................
OH, come on..take a guess!
Think about it.
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is
...You can't kill two birds with one stone
There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many
years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????............................
OH, come on..take a guess!
Think about it.
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is
...You can't kill two birds with one stone
IrishSprite
Literotica Guru
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How to gender identify a fly
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
JUST TOO CUTE.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
JUST TOO CUTE.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
NorCalMan2007
... Quackers ...
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Kylan
vergin'
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- 19,844
Walking into the bar, Shamus O'Dominant said to O'Heir the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had to put the little woman in her place again."
"O, bejaysus," said O'Heir, "And how did this one end?"
"Hah, when it was all over," Shamus replied, "she came to me crawling on her hands and knees."
"Really, Shamus?" cried O'Heir, "I wish I could train my little woman like that... What did she say?"
She said, " Shamus,come out from under the bed you little chicken-shit."
"O, bejaysus," said O'Heir, "And how did this one end?"
"Hah, when it was all over," Shamus replied, "she came to me crawling on her hands and knees."
"Really, Shamus?" cried O'Heir, "I wish I could train my little woman like that... What did she say?"
She said, " Shamus,come out from under the bed you little chicken-shit."
IrishSprite
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The 2 Little boys
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy,"Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for
him. He's my brother. He's four.
We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride
a bike. He can't do either one."
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy,"Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for
him. He's my brother. He's four.
We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride
a bike. He can't do either one."
IrishSprite
Literotica Guru
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The Irish Traveler
The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and
the Irish Railway Company: Larnrod Eireann.
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the
service
on your line seems to be getting worse every day.
I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I
think
the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000
years ago.
Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan
>
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our
service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The
only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely, Larnrod Eireann.
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book
of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his
ass.That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train
in the last two years!
yours truly, Patrick Finnegan
The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and
the Irish Railway Company: Larnrod Eireann.
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the
service
on your line seems to be getting worse every day.
I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I
think
the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000
years ago.
Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan
>
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our
service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The
only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely, Larnrod Eireann.
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book
of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his
ass.That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train
in the last two years!
yours truly, Patrick Finnegan
candiman40
Literotica Guru
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A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked down between his legs then back at him and said,
'Well... Last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
'This is your grandma's idea.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked down between his legs then back at him and said,
'Well... Last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
'This is your grandma's idea.
IrishSprite
Literotica Guru
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Raisin Bread
... A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for wearing very short skirts and thong panties to work the counter.
One day a young man enters the store, eyes the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread high on the shelves, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, and the young man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with a magnificent view, just as he had hoped. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two more loaves as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, another male customer notices what is going on. Thinking quickly as the clerk again descends to the counter, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of yet another male customer. Pretty soon each fellow in the store is successively asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up to the top shelf.
After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. Finding herself yet again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip she yells down,
"Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the feeble old man... "But it's startin' to twitch."
... A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for wearing very short skirts and thong panties to work the counter.
One day a young man enters the store, eyes the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread high on the shelves, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, and the young man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with a magnificent view, just as he had hoped. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two more loaves as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, another male customer notices what is going on. Thinking quickly as the clerk again descends to the counter, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of yet another male customer. Pretty soon each fellow in the store is successively asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up to the top shelf.
After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. Finding herself yet again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip she yells down,
"Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the feeble old man... "But it's startin' to twitch."
IrishSprite
Literotica Guru
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- Apr 27, 2007
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Pastor Fuzz
... The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded and said, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."
... The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded and said, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."
lexielou2
Mrs. Golden Silence
- Joined
- Jan 28, 2007
- Posts
- 14,124
Medical Distinctions
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions - Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately
result in death.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions - Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately
result in death.
candiman40
Literotica Guru
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- Mar 21, 2006
- Posts
- 12,523
Words women use & their actual meanings:
1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right, and you need to shut up.
2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Don't be mad about this, it is just the same 5 minutes you use when it's your turn to help do things around the house.
3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine (see #1).
4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question or faint. Just say you're welcome.
8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying "%@&* YOU!"
9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong" - for the woman's response refer to #3.
1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right, and you need to shut up.
2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Don't be mad about this, it is just the same 5 minutes you use when it's your turn to help do things around the house.
3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine (see #1).
4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question or faint. Just say you're welcome.
8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying "%@&* YOU!"
9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong" - for the woman's response refer to #3.
IrishSprite
Literotica Guru
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- Apr 27, 2007
- Posts
- 27,006
Nutty Love .....lol
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have. Jim and Edna were both patients in
a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital
swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom
of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam
to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news
she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're
being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by
jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that
your act displays sound judgement, that you have a sound
mind.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry,
but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can
I go home?"
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have. Jim and Edna were both patients in
a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital
swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom
of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam
to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news
she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're
being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by
jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that
your act displays sound judgement, that you have a sound
mind.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry,
but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can
I go home?"
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
Putting your affairs in order
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sober. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sober. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone
Nookiehunter
Literotica Guru
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- Feb 8, 2006
- Posts
- 2,272
Reading this, I couldn't help wondering if the young lady was getting a special commission for pushing raisin bread. If so, there could be a lot of twitching going on.IrishSprite said:
Nookiehunter
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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candiman40
Literotica Guru
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- Mar 21, 2006
- Posts
- 12,523
A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my penis around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the man."When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT?" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a boner and fell off my perch!"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my penis around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the man."When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT?" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a boner and fell off my perch!"
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
EMERGENCY ROOM
The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the internet onto the front of my shirt.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.
The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the internet onto the front of my shirt.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.
What's for dinner
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind
of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates,
so they begged their dad for the clue.
"Well" he said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes".
The little girl screams "Don't eat it, Don't eat it, it's an asshole!"
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind
of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates,
so they begged their dad for the clue.
"Well" he said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes".
The little girl screams "Don't eat it, Don't eat it, it's an asshole!"
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Walt was finished, Mary asked , "How much for the teapot?"
Walt replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."
"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Walt was finished, Mary asked , "How much for the teapot?"
Walt replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."
"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.
