The How To Contest Support Thread

[DG Hear]

Quick Posting on this one

Mine is just a silly little 'How to' posted it last night.
http://www.literotica.com:81/storie...php/how-to-2007

Good luch to everyone who enters.
DG

 

[sirhugs]

off to read, since I'm not entering this one...

 

[rachlou]

How to Pull on a Night Out

Mine's up peeps! (Don't sue me when you fail to get laid despite following my advice)

 

[angelicminx]

Mine is just a silly little 'How to' posted it last night.
http://www.literotica.com:81/storie...php/how-to-2007

Good luch to everyone who enters.
DG

Uh, DG? I hate to say this, but...

http://mistupid.com/people/page051.htm

How to Poop at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

DG's entry:

There are many 'How To' books out there in the market place, but sometimes we need help on things that are not in print. That is where I come in, being the trustful advisor that I am.

We all do it and most of us get embarrassed at times. So I'm writing this helpful advice. You might want to carry it in your purse or wallet in case you can't remember all the advice when needed.

This advice isn't only for work but anytime you find the need to go when you're not at home. We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles or work areas and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the ' Work Poop' is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, use the following advice for taking a dump at work or away from home. Pooping at home is the best place but sometimes we just can't wait.

- Crop dusting (a type of fart): When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. You don't want to go back to your work area with lingering smells.

- The Fly By: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back later. Be careful not to become a 'Frequent Flyer. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. Try to stand away from the bathroom but with a good view of the door so you can see when the present pooper is leaving.

- The Escapee fart: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it didn't happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. I would advise you to just hold your breath and keep quiet, finish your business as soon as possible and get out of the restroom.

- The Jail Breaker: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

- The Courtesy Flush: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. Watch out when flushing. The force of the flush will more than likely get your ass all wet. It's worth getting your ass wet so you can avoid being caught doing the walk of shame.

- The Walk Of Shame: This is walking from the stall, to the sink, and then to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and finds that you are the only one in this restroom filled with stink. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Remember this can usually be avoided with the use of the courtesy flush, but you will probably end up with a wet ass.

- The Out Of The Closet Pooper: This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an out of the closet pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the out of the closet pooper before entering the bathroom. This person will surely stink up the restroom because they are proud of themselves for being different and want to broadcast it to the world or at least to the co- workers using the same restroom.

- The Pooping Friends Network (P.F.N): This is a group of co- workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of out of the closet poopers, and identify safe havens for its members. You will want to joint this group when you start a new job. If the group doesn't exist, you might want to start a chapter of your own. Your fellow workers will probably be glad to join. Almost every business or industry now has out of the closet pooper employees.

Safe Havens: These are seldom used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. They are usually on floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom while you are using it. Of course if someone from the opposite sex comes in, you might have some explaining to do. I suggest you learn to double talk or at least learn to mumble till you can get your ass out of that restroom.

- The Turd Burglar: These are the idiots who do not realize that you are in the stall and try to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work or other businesses, anywhere other than home. Make sure if you are ever using a restroom in a service station that the door is locked. I can guarantee without a doubt that the turd burglar will be there. Unfortunately most service station's door locks are usually busted. That means that you will have to take a shit at your own risk.

If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. You might have to yell out, "This stall is occupied," a number of times before the turd burglar realizes someone is in the stall. By waiting to leave the stall, you will also avoid all uncomfortable eye contact with this person.

- The Camo- Cough: This is a phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover- up a Watermelon (explained later), or to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are in the stall. Very effective when used in conjunction with an astaire.

- (You know Fred Astaire the dancer) Astaire: A subtle toe- tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. If you are the one in the stall start astairing.

- Watermelon: I know we've all had a watermelon poop at one time or another. This is a poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This could also be a very embarrassing incident. It also has a tendency to get your ass wet. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See Camo- Cough above.

- Havana Omelet: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. I guess you can call it a series of watermelons. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo- Cough with an Astaire to warn co- workers in other stalls of the impending escapee (a very smelly restroom)! You may need to use a number of courtesy flushes during a Havana Omelet.

- An Uncle Ted: Sorry if your name is Ted and you are an uncle. I didn't choose the name. I'm just passing along this needed information to help inform the public. Now men named Ted know how Johns have felt all these years. An Uncle Ted is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. He/she spends extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

If for some reason this Uncle Ted person just doesn't go away, you can not take a chance of blowing your tummy up. At this time after being courteous you will just have to say, "Hell with it," go forward and do what you have to do.

I didn't make up all these bathroom courtesy rules on my own. Many were passed on to me and I thought that the readers should be aware of the latest information. I hope it has been helpful to you.

You don't need to thank me. I just passed it along as a public service announcement. We all do what we can to make it a nicer world, even for people who have to poop.

Having received this by email several times years ago, I have to wonder at the legitimacy of the entry...

By my estimation only 293 of the 1629 words are yours.

 

[DG Hear]

Angel

Just trying to bring a laugh or two to Lit. Sorry if you are offened by the writing. I received jokes and forwardthem like everyone else. You find the original person who told us how and when to poop and I will apoligize to that person.

In case any author is really worried that I might win something. I hereby proclaim that I will refuse the award. It's about the same odds as me winning the lottery. So, I'm not giving up much.

Angel, I always respected you and wish you the best in your writing. It's kind of funny. My Editors had different opinions.
LadyCibelle (a great Lady) said I would have tomatoes thrown at me.
Techsan ( a good writer in his own right) said Hell, it made me laugh, go ahead and enter it.

Seems like they were both right on this one.

I've never stolen anyones work. I guess the thought of someone thinking I did pissed me off. Well have a nice day.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

My How Too!

Since it bothered so many authors, I wrote to Laurel and asked her to remove it from the competetion. I'll take off voting and comments in case it doesn't get removed.
Good luck to the rest of you.
DG Hear

 

[angelicminx]

Just trying to bring a laugh or two to Lit. Sorry if you are offened by the writing. I received jokes and forwardthem like everyone else. You find the original person who told us how and when to poop and I will apoligize to that person.

In case any author is really worried that I might win something. I hereby proclaim that I will refuse the award. It's about the same odds as me winning the lottery. So, I'm not giving up much.

Angel, I always respected you and wish you the best in your writing. It's kind of funny. My Editors had different opinions.
LadyCibelle (a great Lady) said I would have tomatoes thrown at me.
Techsan ( a good writer in his own right) said Hell, it made me laugh, go ahead and enter it.

Seems like they were both right on this one.

I've never stolen anyones work. I guess the thought of someone thinking I did pissed me off. Well have a nice day.
DG

I wasn't offended by the writing, DG. I was surprised that you had entered it in the contest. As up in arms as people get when their work is used by someone else without permission, it just surprised me that you had entered this piece in its present form. Had the bulk of the writing been yours, I wouldn't have said a word. Quoting each rule, attributed to 'anonymous' or 'unknown' if need be, then adding your own comment would have been acceptable.

IMO, you didn't make it clear that you hadn't written 'the bathroom courtesy rules' yourself. As a matter of fact, the opening makes it appear that you had indeed written them. It's only at the end of the piece that you mention not having written all of them. But you still make it sound like you had written some of them.

I didn't make up all these bathroom courtesy rules on my own. Many were passed on to me and I thought that the readers should be aware of the latest information.

DG, I am sorry I pissed you off. While I wasn't thinking 'stolen' or 'ripped off', I guess the implication was there. I'm not sorry I said something, however. If that loses your respect, then so be it.

 

[DG Hear]

Don't worry, story canceled!

No need to worry, I had Laurel pull the submission. I might re-submit it under humor, I had a few readers send me some more restroom facts to pass along to the readers. I'll make sure the readers know it's not original, from me anyway.
DG

 

[Salvor-Hardon]

Mine is in que and waiting to be processed. I sincerely hope my AH brothers and sisters will support me when it comes time to vote.

 

[DG Hear]

Last post on the subject.

I guess this is for all authors, not just Angel.

I have a few author friends. Not nearly what the rest of you have, but for those who ask my opinion on a story or if I thought they posted something that wasn't quite right. I send them an e-mail or a PM explaning the error or anything negative about their story. I do my best to be honest with them and not try to embarrasse them in front of other authors telling them their mistakes in the comment section or the AH.

To all writers: Please remember this when replying to a post or suggestion from other authors. There are enough readers defaming writers out there. You don't need to be doing it to each other.

No need for anyone to respond to this post as I won't be returning to the AH.
Angel I still respect you. Through your past posts I know you had a lot of problems and recently got remarried. Congrads on your being a succesful writer and wish you the best.
Sincerely
DG Hear

 

[glynndah]

I submitted my little story this afternoon. Is it too soon to start looking for it?

 

[glynndah]

I submitted my little story this afternoon. Is it too soon to start looking for it?

Rats! Rejected already. Too bad. My other option is only one paragraph long so far. Maybe I'd better get busy.

 

[Boxlicker101]

Rats! Rejected already. Too bad. My other option is only one paragraph long so far. Maybe I'd better get busy.

Why were you rejected? If it was a story, rather than essay, that might be why.

 

[glynndah]

Why were you rejected? If it was a story, rather than essay, that might be why.

Yes, that was why. I thought there was a pretty good chance it would be. I'll probably resubmit it in the humor section.

 

[Boxlicker101]

Will there be a last place prize in this contest? If there is, I almost have a lock on it.

 

[oggbashan]

Will there be a last place prize in this contest? If there is, I almost have a lock on it.

Of course. Og wouldn't let the AH's distinguished authors down. The Author's Hangout Last Place (tm) Contest will appear in this thread.

I have just hit the submit button for my How-To entry. After last year's unexpected success I couldn't resist this year's How-To.

Og

 

[Boxlicker101]

Of course. Og wouldn't let the AH's distinguished authors down. The Author's Hangout Last Place (tm) Contest will appear in this thread.

I have just hit the submit button for my How-To entry. After last year's unexpected success I couldn't resist this year's How-To.

Og

With the number of one-bombs I have been getting, I am a shoo-in for last place.

 

[oggbashan]

With the number of one-bombs I have been getting, I am a shoo-in for last place.

But the troll sweeps might change all that.

Guaranteed Last Place winners attract little attention and few votes.

Og

 

[Boxlicker101]

Originally Posted by Boxlicker101
With the number of one-bombs I have been getting, I am a shoo-in for last place.

But the troll sweeps might change all that.

Guaranteed Last Place winners attract little attention and few votes.

Og

I'm not getting very many votes of any kind, and the ones that will be eliminated are usually good ones, rather than one-bombs. No, I think you can almost start engraving my name on the last-place trophy.

 

[glynndah]

Of course. Og wouldn't let the AH's distinguished authors down. The Author's Hangout Last Place (tm) Contest will appear in this thread.

I have just hit the submit button for my How-To entry. After last year's unexpected success I couldn't resist this year's How-To.

Og

Being rejected a mere two hours after submission should earn me some sort of consideration. Not the main prize, of course, but maybe dishonorable mention.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Being rejected a mere two hours after submission should earn me some sort of consideration. Not the main prize, of course, but maybe dishonorable mention.

Yes, there is a big trophy in the corner, I know, I know, it looks like an parking meter, it was the best we could do. By the way, would you mind putting a couple of quarters in it. The last time the meter maid tried to ticket the horse....well...it was messy....

 

[l8bloom]

Yes, it looks like we could do a horse...

Now I want to win last place!

Damn, my story is still pending.
I hate it when they keep me in suspenders.

 

[Boxlicker101]

Being rejected a mere two hours after submission should earn me some sort of consideration. Not the main prize, of course, but maybe dishonorable mention.

In the past, a requirement for winning last place was that your entry had to be a "serious contender". That wouldn't mean that it had to be a strong contender or course, just that the person entering it intended that be in contention. If you entered something, knowing it would not be acceptable, it should not be considered a serious contender.

You're right, though, that there should probably be some kind of special award for being rejected so quickly.

 

[glynndah]

In the past, a requirement for winning last place was that your entry had to be a "serious contender". That wouldn't mean that it had to be a strong contender or course, just that the person entering it intended that be in contention. If you entered something, knowing it would not be acceptable, it should not be considered a serious contender.

You're right, though, that there should probably be some kind of special award for being rejected so quickly.

Oh, I entered it with "serious contenderness". Very hopeful, but worried it wouldn't fit.

Oooh, a parking meter trophy.... I was ecstatic thinking about a certificate for last place. Now I've got even more reason to enter.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Damn, my suspenders.

Ducks...as one of l8's suspenders zings past...

You gotta keep those things under control....