Things that shouldn't be heard...

[e-trance action]

"Ma'am have you ever knowingly ingested a corkscrew?"



At the concession stand for a music festival,,,

She's licked more than her clarinet reed, let me tell you that.

at the company picnic

 

[alisonwunderlnd]

She's licked more than her clarinet reed, let me tell you that.

at the company picnic

I think i lost my bandage in the potato salad





Boarding the city bus,going to work

 

[e-trance action]

I think i lost my bandage in the potato salad





Boarding the city bus,going to work

I'm telling you. my pet tarantula was just sitting there on my knee-where did it go?

sitting in the steam room at the spa

 

[alisonwunderlnd]

I'm telling you. my pet tarantula was just sitting there on my knee-where did it go?

sitting in the steam room at the spa

and the doctor said my yeast infection was the worst he had ever seen in 40 years of practice







Getting into an elevator....

 

[e-trance action]

and the doctor said my yeast infection was the worst he had ever seen in 40 years of practice







Getting into an elevator....

really-that lurch at the last floor was perfectly normal-I'll prove it by jumping up and down

at the return counter in a drugstore

 

[lovemonster]

at the return counter in a drugstore

We do give half price refunds on returns of used rectal thermometers.

In the queue for Barry Manilow concert tickets.

 

[e-trance action]

We do give half price refunds on returns of used rectal thermometers.

In the queue for Barry Manilow concert tickets.

What do you mean it's an android now?

while the mechanic is under your car

 

[lovemonster]

What do you mean it's an android now?

while the mechanic is under your car

Did you realise you had three traffic cones and a child's bike stuck under here?

When you're in the car showroom

 

[e-trance action]

Did you realise you had three traffic cones and a child's bike stuck under here?

When you're in the car showroom

that's ok, we'll take your spouse as down payment and have your boss send your wages directly to us.

at the bicycle shop

 

[lovemonster]

that's ok, we'll take your spouse as down payment and have your boss send your wages directly to us.

at the bicycle shop

And if you get saddle sore, just come straight back to us and we'll give you a free massage.

at the toy shop

 

[e-trance action]

And if you get saddle sore, just come straight back to us and we'll give you a free massage.

at the toy shop

we didn't insert it there, so we don't do removals.

at the hair salon

 

[lovemonster]

we didn't insert it there, so we don't do removals.

at the hair salon

Erm....did you hear that the bald look is really in this season?


at the bridal outfitters

 

[e-trance action]

Erm....did you hear that the bald look is really in this season?


at the bridal outfitters

the brown lace will mask that body hair nicely

at the shoemakers

and I'm out of here-have a good day

 

[lovemonster]

the brown lace will mask that body hair nicely

at the shoemakers

and I'm out of here-have a good day

I'm afraid we don't cater for people with 8 toes

At the tailors

have a great day!

 

[alisonwunderlnd]

I'm afraid we don't cater for people with 8 toes

At the tailors

have a great day!

we ALMOST had enough material to complete your trousers






just as you bite into your curry...

 

[MollyDolly]

we ALMOST had enough material to complete your trousers

just as you bite into your curry...

CRUNCH!! *call from the kitchen* Did anyone find my contact lens?

what your SO says as s/he finds you reading his/her email

 

[Azuldrgon]

what your SO says as s/he finds you reading his/her email

what do you mean this so and so has a picture of you fucking me, honey?

while watching a video of your family reunion.

 

[lovemonster]

what do you mean this so and so has a picture of you fucking me, honey?

while watching a video of your family reunion.

Hey, that's the creepy guy that tried to hit on me in the toilets...whaddya mean that's great uncle george??

while buying a new computer

 

[de-valmont]

Hey, that's the creepy guy that tried to hit on me in the toilets...whaddya mean that's great uncle george??

while buying a new computer

Well it's new-ish one careful owner, he was some kinda rock star, want to be in my gang? Remember that? Anyway he left a bunch of files on it...


When buying a new home.

 

[e-trance action]

Hey, that's the creepy guy that tried to hit on me in the toilets...whaddya mean that's great uncle george??

while buying a new computer

What do you mean teflon coating on the screen and keyboard are extra?

While being measured for your clothes as part of a wedding party

 

[lovemonster]

Well it's new-ish one careful owner, he was some kinda rock star, want to be in my gang? Remember that? Anyway he left a bunch of files on it...


When buying a new home.

We're not charging extra for the sea views as with the cliff erosion, the house will be gone in 10 years.

What do you mean teflon coating on the screen and keyboard are extra?

While being measured for your clothes as part of a wedding party

We can do you a special offer if you do a joint order with the marquee people.

When in the store to buy a gift off the wedding list.

 

[nakedboater69]

Are you in yet?

 

[FourHead]

I'd like a little more please.

 

[juicybaby]

We're not charging extra for the sea views as with the cliff erosion, the house will be gone in 10 years.

We can do you a special offer if you do a joint order with the marquee people.

When in the store to buy a gift off the wedding list.

I'm not spending that much, this marriage will never last!!

When at a funeral

 

[MollyDolly]

I'm not spending that much, this marriage will never last!!

When at a funeral

And although they still haven't figured out what killed him, they have narrowed it down to one of two STDs...

While at a Halloween party