Things you NEVER want to hear while having sex

[loquere]

Oh my god is that a latex condom on your thing? I'm allergic.

 

[loquere]

Fucking you is like fucking a garbage bag.

 

[loquere]

Is that vomit?

 

[Handley_Page]

The sound of the Window cleaner erecting his ladder at the bedroom window. . . .

 

[BrokenBarbie]

I think your wife is home.

 

[loquere]

I'm a doctor & I think you should get that lump checked out.

 

[RNJAG]

I’m Chris Hanson and this is “To Catch a Preditor”

 

[TarnishedPenny]

While having?

Snores.

 

[LexxRuthless]

"Ummm...is it supposed to look like that?"

 

[MsLead]

I forgot my pill.......several days in a row. Oops!

 

[loquere]

I am God.

 

[Hypoxia]

My warrant expires tomorrow so just try to hang on till midnight, okay?

 

[JamesMiehoff]

A loud **SNAP ** followed by your partner (who is on top) screaming "Oh, MY GOD, there goes that disk in my back again."


James

 

[loquere]

That's your car alarm, isn't it?

 

[LexxRuthless]

Really? That was the best you could do?

 

[Handley_Page]

Burglar: 'Just carry on. ignore me'.

Fairy Godmother: 'Consent, THEN love potion'.

The guy downstairs in the flat beneath: "Oil your bloody bedsprings - PLEASE"

 

[JamesMiehoff]

The sound of your headboard snapping off as you pull on it for leverage, followed by the dull thud as it smashes against the head of your partner.

[disclaimer]
This happened to my boss when I worked a menial job during college. He came in late and we bugged him until he admitted that he snapped his headboard off while making love and knocked his girlfriend out cold. He was gentleman enough to wait for the ambulance and the paramedics who announced that she had a concussion but would be fine in a few days. He later claimed that he was relegated to the bottom position from then on.
[/disclaimer]

[claim]
I had not thought of this for years. But I claim all rights to this plot bunny for now.
[/claim]

James

 

[Javahead]

The sound of your headboard snapping off as you pull on it for leverage, followed by the dull thud as it smashes against the head of your partner.

[disclaimer]
This happened to my boss when I worked a menial job during college. He came in late and we bugged him until he admitted that he snapped his headboard off while making love and knocked his girlfriend out cold. He was gentleman enough to wait for the ambulance and the paramedics who announced that she had a concussion but would be fine in a few days. He later claimed that he was relegated to the bottom position from then on.
[/disclaimer]

[claim]
I had not thought of this for years. But I claim all rights to this plot bunny for now.
[/claim]

James

I’m impressed that after that she was still his girlfriend. Must have been true love - we already know he had issues with technique.

 

[Handley_Page]

The sound of your headboard snapping off as you pull on it for leverage, followed by the dull thud as it smashes against the head of your partner.

[disclaimer]
This happened to my boss when I worked a menial job during college. He came in late and we bugged him until he admitted that he snapped his headboard off while making love and knocked his girlfriend out cold. He was gentleman enough to wait for the ambulance and the paramedics who announced that she had a concussion but would be fine in a few days. He later claimed that he was relegated to the bottom position from then on.
[/disclaimer]

[claim]
I had not thought of this for years. But I claim all rights to this plot bunny for now.
[/claim]

James

It lends a new meaning to the phrase: "Knock yourself out"

 

[loquere]

I have Covid 19

 

[Desirenow]

"Harold? I thought you said your name was Carol!"

Lol.....

 

[JamesMiehoff]

** Ring **
"Hello, yes that's me. Oh really. Thanks."
*click* [hangup]
"Yeah, that was my doctor and the Corona test came back positive. Oooh yeaaah, just keep doing that. Just like that..."


James

 

[loquere]

Lol, what is that?

 

[loquere]

"Covid 19!"

 

[Handley_Page]

A double 'click'.