What do you guys think, Need Advice

[SweetErika]

Hmm..I think I get your point..
So,basically, you are saying that even though having a relationship with another person at the same time with the 'serious relationship' sounds more dangerous and serious, the fact that your partner doesn't get to see you with the third person makes it easier to handle.And, the opposite goes for the threesome..that even though it sounds harmless next to a parallel relationship, actually seeing your partner being close with another person can be destructive..If that is what you meant I think I get it..maybe you are right after all...
And as for the fact that we, men, easily misinterpret your need for
something other than us, as a sign you show for our inability to fulfil your needs, it is mainly because we are insecure..Whatever we act like, we are always insecure in the end..we do understand you deep down..but...blame our selfishness
What I can't understand is:
-What would you say if your partner wanted a samesex relationship next to yours?
-Would it bother you seeing him being intimate with a man, just as you would be bothered if you saw him with a woman?
SweetErika you really know how to talk, don't you?I like how you always have a good reasoning in your opinions
From now on your my buddy..girl..whatever

That's a simplified version, but you're right about the crux of the issue. I think the important thing to remember is people, feelings, and relationships grow and change, and you have to be open and willing to embrace that.

Now if my husband wanted a relationship with another man, we'd take a look at that together, just like we have done and will do with my relationships. I can imagine there'd be a lot of hurt and guilt over the fact that he'd kept his feelings from me for all of these years. However, I want him to be himself and be happy, just like he wants me to, and I can't see how repressing his true self would be good for either of us.

Seeing men together holds no appeal for me, so I'm not sure if I'd want to see him with a man or not. I know I wouldn't insist on participating, and more than likely, I'd do whatever he was most comfortable with...having me there or not. My primary concern would be safety, but I trust him to take those precautions.

 

[WyldSpirit]

First of all, sorry I've been gone so long, things have been crazy with the move and getting things in order, and my car broke down I also do a 70 mile commute each way to work, so I ended up staying on the other end of the commute part of the week this week because of the car problems. I swear I haven't been ignoring this topic, it just seems like by the time I get on here to check things out, I don't always have time to respond to everything I'd like to.

Secondly, thank you, thank you, thank you, SweetErika for sharing your experiences and feelings about your situation with your husband. You've probably expressed things better than I could. (Since I would probably tend to get defensive about it.) I agree with just about everything that you've said.

We didn't end up getting the alone time in the car like I thought that we would, with having car problems, we ended up having my mother drive us for the move (definately NOT a conversation to have in front of mom, lol) I swear we've had like 4 hours together all week that wasn't spent sleeping. I need to find a job closer

Greece, please don't ever think that just because you are young, your opinions aren't valid. Of course, they are open for discussion, lol Like I said, I pretty much agree with Erika's assessment of the situation. She really did do a good job of summing it up.

It never was a situation of me feeling an immediate need for a same-sex relationship "right now" I just wanted to know where we stood and to know if it was ok. I didn't want to start looking with out saying something and then find out he wasn't ok with it. I didn't want to be accused of cheating or trying to cheat or something because I'd started to look without talking about it first. I would never set up an encounter without talking to him first (unless he said it's ok, but he doesn't want to hear about it, and then, I think I just wouldn't do it, because I'd have to lie about where I was/what I was doing)

I've already talked in an earlier post about the openness of the relationship and my feelings on whether or not I'd be ok with him having a casual g/f so I've just copied that reply rather than rewording it...
"So, yes, I guess it is because it is that it is that it IS inherently different. My thoughts on the issue have always been that were my partner also bi that I would have no problem with them pursuing casual encounters with the same sex (I have actually had boyfriends who were bi before, obviously it didn't work on the long-term, but, I'm still relatively young, at the time I wasn't looking for long term) and it was not ok on either part during those relationships for either party to play with anyone of the opposite sex except for us. (There were exceptions made, things were "interesting" lol) So, yeah, if he had any interest in men, go for it. But, other than that, I've got the parts and more than enough sex drive for anything else that he would want to do."

Talk to you all later, thanks for your thoughts and posts,
I'll keep you updated.

 

[Etoile]

Good to hear from you again Wyld - a 70-mile commute? YIKES!

Looking forward to hearing more from you as things progress.

 

[WyldSpirit]

I know I know a BIG part of me not pushing it and bring it up further at this point is that honestly, I'm terrified. I'm in such unchartered territory here. Every partner I've been with in the past has either been ok with it or not, period, and there's usually been LOTS of discussion on the subject that just came up casually. One of these days I'll be jumping on here all excited because I finally got the balls to talk to him about it. Any other topic and I can talk his ear off, lol. This, well, not so much. It doesn't help that although he's not practicing, he was raised catholic, and has already told me that his family could never know my orientation and he has some skewed views about sex anyway because of that. I don't mind at all not being able to tell his family (I'm not out to my family either) but, I'm not entirely sure how ok with my orientation he really is. Geez, I need to just get off my ass and have this conversation with him so I can quit wondering and torturing myself, LOL. I know that no matter what his answer/feelings are on the subject, I'm not ending the relationship, and honestly, even if he tells me he's completely ok with it, I'm not going to run out and start looking right now anyway (I barely have time for us right now as it is) I just can't keep wondering where we stand!

 

[PanosGreece]

I don't mind at all not being able to tell his family (I'm not out to my family either) but, I'm not entirely sure how ok with my orientation he really is. Geez, I need to just get off my ass and have this conversation with him so I can quit wondering and torturing myself, LOL.

Yeah!do this!the fastest the bestest!
This can really make you crazy if you hold it in you!
Talk it out now!

 

[Soulfiregirl]

I know I know a BIG part of me not pushing it and bring it up further at this point is that honestly, I'm terrified. I'm in such unchartered territory here. Every partner I've been with in the past has either been ok with it or not, period, and there's usually been LOTS of discussion on the subject that just came up casually. One of these days I'll be jumping on here all excited because I finally got the balls to talk to him about it. Any other topic and I can talk his ear off, lol. This, well, not so much. It doesn't help that although he's not practicing, he was raised catholic, and has already told me that his family could never know my orientation and he has some skewed views about sex anyway because of that. I don't mind at all not being able to tell his family (I'm not out to my family either) but, I'm not entirely sure how ok with my orientation he really is. Geez, I need to just get off my ass and have this conversation with him so I can quit wondering and torturing myself, LOL. I know that no matter what his answer/feelings are on the subject, I'm not ending the relationship, and honestly, even if he tells me he's completely ok with it, I'm not going to run out and start looking right now anyway (I barely have time for us right now as it is) I just can't keep wondering where we stand!

Damn girl, I was wondering where you've been missy. Yes, you need to get a job closer to home. lol. So, just sit down and talk to him about it. Why torture yourself day after day? You need some resolution on this. So that you'll know. Don't let him brush off the subject. Be assertive and tell him you NEED to talk about this. Or, write him a letter about it and ask him to reply. You may think you may not want to end the relationship one day, but do you want to stay in a relationship where a part of you feels suffocated? Where you have to keep a part of yourself a secret? That's why I'm open about my bisexuality right away with guys. Yeah, ok it might scare some of them away, but why wait until you're dating someone and then spring it on them? Wondering and worrying whether they'll still love you or not? I'm not saying he won't. He might be a great guy who will care for you no matter what. And it's not your fault that your already in a relaltionship and now you need to talk about this with him. But in the future, do yourself a favor to make things easier on you. Be assertive and open about what you need in the relationship, because if you don't, you just feel trapped eventually.

No matter what, it's important that he realizes that you need to talk about these things. If keeps shutting you down then that's a control tactic. He's hoping it will just "go away" on it's own. It won't. Don't let it. Don't suppress yourself to "please" him or not "rock the boat". You've made it clear that you're not ready to go look for a girlfriend anyway so it's not like he has to worry that you're going to have a mistress on the side or something. I may have limited experience with women, but one thing I've learned, is that I have to be open about my bisexual side. I can't live my life with part of my soul staying trapped in the dark. That part of me will die inside if I do. You sound anxious and I know this scares you but the sooner you get all of this on the table, the better. Maybe it's a part of you you'll never actually act on but you need to feel free to talk about it.

I am amazed that so many couples keep secrets from each other. Our secrets keep us sick and the bigger our secrets, the sicker we stay. You don't have to be "out" by any means but you do have the right to feel you can be open and honest with him. That's only fair. He should be open and honest with you about how he really feels about things too. So that you both KNOW where you stand. I hate to say it but this could be a deal breaker for your relationship. But if it is, then he might not be the one who's meant for you. But again, it's really up to you. How "honest" do you want your relationship to be?

I wish you luck girlie. You are brave and full of grace and hopefully he will see that. You are a kind soul. You deserve someone who understands that part of you. If nothing else, you deserve respect. Period. I hope he gives that to you.

 

[big4life99]

I don't know what all I can offer you, but I will do my best.

You are a bisexual woman and you are in a long term relationship with a man. At the start of this relationship, you had a casual sexual relationship with another woman, which he allowed to continue. During the course of your relationship he has brought up the possibility of a threesome, you don't feel the relationship could stand it. Recently your casual relationship with the other woman ended, but you wouldn't mind beginning another, but he forbids it. Am I so far correct?

I would then ask you, why do you feel that your relationship can stand your having a casual relationship with another woman, but not a shared casual experience with one?

We'll go from there, I just want to start somewhere.

Wow someone here is thinking with their brain and not their dick/twat. I think that is the exact reason he flipped i would too. I believe it to be very selfish of you.

 

[Etoile]

Wow someone here is thinking with their brain and not their dick/twat. I think that is the exact reason he flipped i would too. I believe it to be very selfish of you.

You, however, seem to not be thinking with anything at all.

 

[Equinoxe]

Wow someone here is thinking with their brain and not their dick/twat. I think that is the exact reason he flipped i would too. I believe it to be very selfish of you.

Not exactly my point, I was simply trying to establish a baseline of what she thought was acceptable in her relationship, not attempting to accuse her of being selfish.

The point being that if she did not view it differently (from her relationship with him and his relationships with women) then there would be a concern, but I think clearly he doesn't view it differently, he sees it as the same, meaning that the start of a new relationship with another woman, although from her perspective no threat to her relationship with him, he sees as competition. As for the tone of what I said, it had to be direct, in order to produce the right state of mind, I think. Hence, I have to agree with the general consensus that he is jealous and afraid of another woman. Or something, it's been quite a while since I gave that advice and I admit I haven't really read all the way through the thread. Also, my advice sort of faded out as I think other people were giving better advice.

 

[WyldSpirit]

Damn girl, I was wondering where you've been missy. Yes, you need to get a job closer to home. lol. So, just sit down and talk to him about it. Why torture yourself day after day? You need some resolution on this. So that you'll know. Don't let him brush off the subject. Be assertive and tell him you NEED to talk about this. Or, write him a letter about it and ask him to reply. You may think you may not want to end the relationship one day, but do you want to stay in a relationship where a part of you feels suffocated? Where you have to keep a part of yourself a secret? That's why I'm open about my bisexuality right away with guys. Yeah, ok it might scare some of them away, but why wait until you're dating someone and then spring it on them? Wondering and worrying whether they'll still love you or not? I'm not saying he won't. He might be a great guy who will care for you no matter what. And it's not your fault that your already in a relaltionship and now you need to talk about this with him. But in the future, do yourself a favor to make things easier on you. Be assertive and open about what you need in the relationship, because if you don't, you just feel trapped eventually.

No matter what, it's important that he realizes that you need to talk about these things. If keeps shutting you down then that's a control tactic. He's hoping it will just "go away" on it's own. It won't. Don't let it. Don't suppress yourself to "please" him or not "rock the boat". You've made it clear that you're not ready to go look for a girlfriend anyway so it's not like he has to worry that you're going to have a mistress on the side or something. I may have limited experience with women, but one thing I've learned, is that I have to be open about my bisexual side. I can't live my life with part of my soul staying trapped in the dark. That part of me will die inside if I do. You sound anxious and I know this scares you but the sooner you get all of this on the table, the better. Maybe it's a part of you you'll never actually act on but you need to feel free to talk about it.

I am amazed that so many couples keep secrets from each other. Our secrets keep us sick and the bigger our secrets, the sicker we stay. You don't have to be "out" by any means but you do have the right to feel you can be open and honest with him. That's only fair. He should be open and honest with you about how he really feels about things too. So that you both KNOW where you stand. I hate to say it but this could be a deal breaker for your relationship. But if it is, then he might not be the one who's meant for you. But again, it's really up to you. How "honest" do you want your relationship to be?

I wish you luck girlie. You are brave and full of grace and hopefully he will see that. You are a kind soul. You deserve someone who understands that part of you. If nothing else, you deserve respect. Period. I hope he gives that to you.

Hey, I was stuck in Portland all last week, stayed at my moms, because my car died I don't have a computer at my mom's any more because we moved it down here (of course, the weekend before the car died lol)

Anyway, he's always known I'm bi, right from the very start. I wouldn't hide that from someone I was dating. In general I don't hide it from anyone except my family. It isn't general knowledge at work, but if I was asked there, I wouldn't deny it. With my family, I'm not sure if I would lie if I was asked about it or not, but that's really another topic.

Mainly now it's just finding a good time when he's in a decent mood that I have enough energy to bring up a topic that I know might cause a confrontation, ya know? I probably need to sit down and write it out, even if I don't give him whatever I write out so that I can sort out my thought on it. I've discovered over the years that writing letters to people is awesome therapy, even if they never read the letters. I figure my best bet is to make absolutely certain that I'm not at all confrontational OR defensive when I do talk to him about it so he doesn't think I'm trying to start a fight. Grrrr, I wish that relationships didn't have to be such hard work, but then I guess if they weren't we wouldn't appreciate what we have right? LOL.

Anyway, I am alive (barely, I'm really sick with both bronchitis and the flu right now) and poking around still.

 

[big4life99]

Not exactly my point, I was simply trying to establish a baseline of what she thought was acceptable in her relationship, not attempting to accuse her of being selfish.

The point being that if she did not view it differently (from her relationship with him and his relationships with women) then there would be a concern, but I think clearly he doesn't view it differently, he sees it as the same, meaning that the start of a new relationship with another woman, although from her perspective no threat to her relationship with him, he sees as competition. As for the tone of what I said, it had to be direct, in order to produce the right state of mind, I think. Hence, I have to agree with the general consensus that he is jealous and afraid of another woman. Or something, it's been quite a while since I gave that advice and I admit I haven't really read all the way through the thread. Also, my advice sort of faded out as I think other people were giving better advice.

Sorry i certainly did not mean to put words in your mouth.

 

[Equinoxe]

Sorry i certainly did not mean to put words in your mouth.

Do not worry about it, I just thought I should better explain myself.

 

[HouseToy]

I haven't read the entire thread (yet).. and I wish you luck. I can't imagine giving up a part of my/yourself like that... I suspect he is insecure about introducing a new relationship that is more than a playmate.