What kicks you out of a story.

[Kumquatqueen]

Chunky banal dialogue. Some of it sounds like Peter and Jane Early Reader books.

Lots of sentences all the same length with no rhythm, sounding like kids' essays on What I Did In My Holidays.

Nothing that makes these characters stand out as anything more than identikit people getting their kit off. I'm just not interested. I can be interested in pretty much any consensual combo of sexuality, kinks and activities, though.

I admit to being very fussy, which is one reason I started writing my own stories.

 

[onehitwanda]

Here's an example randomly chosen from the first ten sentences of something in the new section of a non-random category.

For years, me and her have been rivals as she terrorizes the town.

I don't need to read any more. I'll sigh, close the window, and go off and do something else until the mental fingernails-on-chalkboard have faded.

Then there's this, from that lovely old soul Maonaigh

I used to have a recurring dream, a dream that I had killed my father. His corpse, with dead, sunken eyes and graveyard pallor, the autopsy stitches livid against his torso, would rise up from the mortuary slab and shuffle towards me, pointing an accusing finger. I would wake, sometimes crying out, always shaking with horror.

The difference could not be more stark. The second work has a poise and a lyricism to it that is absent from the first.

I *need* that. The odd grammar mistake, the odd typo, missed misspellings etc don't matter if there's a gem at the heart of it. I'm too old and jaded to waste my time on nonsense because I've been spoiled by emeralds.

Some of it sounds like Peter and Jane Early Reader books.

That's the perfect way to describe it, actually.

Fun With Dick And Jane

See Dick's dick harden.

See Jane touch it.

Touch it, Jane.

See Dick fuck Jane.

Jane and Dick are fucking.

See Dick come.

Come, Dick, come.

 

[HordHolm]

There are three main things that will have me closing a tab:

1. I understand that the majority of readers and authors on the site are from North America, and most of the time I'm not put off by a story set in, particularly, the US. But sometimes, particularly if I'm a bit tired, I really don't want the extra effort of negotiating the cultural and geographical references (on other occasions I'm fine with it, and will even go to the extent of opening up Wiki to learn just what a Homecoming Queen actually is, or when Memorial Day is, or how far it is from Sacramento to San Francisco, or how much a dime is worth, or how ubiquitous Dairy Queen is and what a rite of passage it is for teenage girls to work there, or how old a kid is if they are in the fifth grade, or the myriad other things which are obvious to US readers). I'm not for a second suggesting that US authors change what they're doing, it's just that sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming trying to translate it all into 'rest of the world' terms. In those cases, sorry but I'm gone.

There is also a subset of US based stories which I mentally classify as 'America! Fuck yeah!' stories. There aren't tons of them but I do occasionally encounter them, and I'm afraid the second I sense that the author is steeped in Tom Clancy and 24 I'm gone faster than if you present me with a buttplug marinated in tabasco.

2. I'm really not a grammar Nazi, even if I do spend my working life teaching it. I understand the occasional mistake, and make them myself, but if a story is littered with them it can become unreadable. Ditto for spelling mistakes. In such cases I'm afraid that whatever the author is trying to do is lost to me. The same also goes for punctuation. I know it can seem like nit-picking, but incorrect punctuation really can change meaning. Lastly under this point, syntax: working out what Yoda is saying is fun for a few seconds in Star Wars but I don't want to spend five thousand words doing it.

3. If I'm just not into the particular kink or activity the author is writing about I'm afraid I'll usually close the story down. It may be (and indeed, usually is) pretty well-written. It's just not for me. In such circumstances I will often just head to the end and give a good score - the story is by no means bad, and it is usually my fault for choosing poorly.

 

[ChassonKnight]

1, Un-realistic body mechanics; if your POV character is being finger banged while sitting at a table in a restaurant, the person doing the fingering is going to need arms down to their knees and maybe an extra shoulder to reach your MC's G-spot while sitting in the chair next to your MC with our the whole restaurant knowing what is going on. I am not calling out names I just read a story and it was hot but the scence threw me out i could not get back in to it.

I've literally just written a scene like this, but in a coffee shop on one of those long padded bench seat type of things. It's possible for a man to reach around a woman's waist and get access if she's turned to face slightly away and is leaning back on him, but it did become overly descriptive. And one of the things that pulls me out of a story is over description, so I've already considered removing that part.

Non-consent turns me off. If the abused starts enjoying it part way through, i find that almost as distasteful, for reasons I've seen discussed around the forum in other places so there's no need to rehash them here. I'm not going to get all preachy; it's just escapism, whatever pops your top. But it's not for me.

Male-on-male sex of some kind. I've dropped out of so many stories I've otherwise been enjoying because of it. I'd love to be a pansexual libertine who loved freely, but turns out I'm not. I've even tried writing it as part of interactive erotica that a reader could choose or not, but if it doesn't turn me on I've no idea how to measure whether it would someone else. I hardly ever even watch porn with men in it.

 

[onehitwanda]

It's possible for a man to reach around a woman's waist and get access if she's turned to face slightly away and is leaning back on him, but it did become overly descriptive.

This sounds overly complicated. If it's a bench, just have them side to side. It's quite possible to reach someone's lady garden when sitting demurely beside them. Getting inside them is obviously going to require some double-jointedness, but if you're just being playful, well...

Of course, EVERYONE will know what you're doing. It's kind of hard to hide. That's why street-smart women use bluetooth-enabled vibrators. Yes, thank you, the coffee IS that good!

 

[Bramblethorn]

They wouldn't give the initial kudos.

"God damn author f*cked up a good story with itty bitty titty committee and wasted my god damn time."

Other authors are the only ones who seem to be able to appreciate parts but not the whole. (likely b/c they understand the process and decisions that have to be made) At least going by comments/AH discussions.

I was shocked on another site when I got reader feedback from somebody who loved a story of mine, hated the ending, but was able to recognise that this was just because the story they wanted wasn't the story I was telling.

 

[onehitwanda]

I was shocked on another site when I got reader feedback from somebody who loved a story of mine, hated the ending, but was able to recognise that this was just because the story they wanted wasn't the story I was telling.

Wow. You just encountered an actual Unicorn in the wild.

 

[ChassonKnight]

This sounds overly complicated. If it's a bench, just have them side to side. It's quite possible to reach someone's lady garden when sitting demurely beside them. Getting inside them is obviously going to require some double-jointedness, but if you're just being playful, well...

Of course, EVERYONE will know what you're doing. It's kind of hard to hide. That's why street-smart women use bluetooth-enabled vibrators. Yes, thank you, the coffee IS that good!

Yeah, I think I'll just prune that part of the story. I've never been satisfied with it.

 

[lovecraft68]

"First times" that go on for more than a few minutes.

The annoying thing about this is there is an easy workaround; have the character get off early in the encounter. That also adds some more spice to the scene itself.

 

[lovecraft68]

Someone started a thread here last week that emphatically stated that they had to be 34C.

Oy, the stat thing again, only thing more annoying than the breast stat is the guys here who think they understand it.

I was with my wife for a long time before I found out what her bra size was because I happened to look at the tag when I was doing laundry. Until then it was simply, "She has great tits."...Yes, I am quite the romantic.

I'm willing to leave it at "ample, smallish" or some other identifier in stories that lets the reader decide what those descriptions mean to them.

 

[Devinter]

Unrealistic and overly stilted dialogue. I read a story here years ago, where a couple were talking. Every time one of them spoke, they began by saying the other's name.

"Annie, I'm so happy you're here."

"Bob, why?"

"Annie, I've been yearning for you."

"Bob, I've been yearning for you too."

Etc.

The only reason I kept reading was to see whether this continued throughout the story. It did.

StillStunned, that is hilarious.

As for me - what kicks me out of a story is when an author puts warning tags (or put it into the introduction text) for some things that THEY think might be offensive or off-putting, and then doesn't include other tags that many people dislike just because "it's their fetish". I see this happen all the time with people - both men and women - cheating, for example, which is something I dislike. You're going to warn me that the the character might be feeling "a little embarrassed" at some point, but not that some dude who supposedly loves his wife fucks the neighbour first chance he gets? Right..

Also, every penis in the world doesn't have to "drip with pre-cum" the moment it is "introduced".

Finally, although I think the perfect bodies are tiring, I also find it dreadfully annoying when the author goes the other way and tries to hard to add too many imperfections just to "humanize" a character. Give them one or two 'flaws', not a peg-leg AND a speech impediment AND fur growing on their face AND a hunch-back at the same time, please.

 

[onehitwanda]

a peg-leg AND a speech impediment AND fur growing on their face AND a hunch-back at the same time, please.

I feel attacked.

 

[lovecraft68]

StillStunned, that is hilarious.

As for me - what kicks me out of a story is when an author puts warning tags (or put it into the introduction text) for some things that THEY think might be offensive or off-putting, and then doesn't include other tags that many people dislike just because "it's their fetish". I see this happen all the time with people - both men and women - cheating, for example, which is something I dislike. You're going to warn me that the the character might be feeling "a little embarrassed" at some point, but not that some dude who supposedly loves his wife fucks the neighbour first chance he gets? Right..

Also, every penis in the world doesn't have to "drip with pre-cum" the moment it is "introduced".

Finally, although I think the perfect bodies are tiring, I also find it dreadfully annoying when the author goes the other way and tries to hard to add too many imperfections just to "humanize" a character. Give them one or two 'flaws', not a peg-leg AND a speech impediment AND fur growing on their face AND a hunch-back at the same time, please.

There was a thread a couple years ago about imperfections, specifically portraying mom and milf characters as being unrealistic. That older women's breasts might be sagging a bit, they'd have jiggly thighs, maybe some extra weight etc...

I understood it in the sense of realism yet...

I've been going to the same gym for 12 years and I go in the mornings and you see the same people more often than not. There are several women there that I would guess to be in the 40ish range and these women are rocking the yoga pants and sports bras, they could star in milf porn. So....there are people in real life who still look good. I'm 55 and might not be what I was at 35 but I'm in good shape

So in the end I see it as preference for the author and reader, and don't write it off as porn fantasy for people over 40 to still be attractive and physically fit.

Then we come to the real point. This is erotica, erotica is fantasy, and more often than not we don't fantasize about reality.

Case in point...more women began getting into porn when the industry realized they could get the female audience by having male stars who are as hot as the women instead of the gross shlubs from the 70's to the nineties.

 

[AchtungNight]

If a character starts excessively shaming someone for their sexual preferences, performance, lack of good looks, or personality, and the person they’re addressing gets zero support- or worse if shamer and victim are supposed to end up together, I’m out.

 

[Rob_Royale]

The classic first-person character intro/descriptor paragraph. Especially if it includes body measurements of any type.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

The classic first-person character intro/descriptor paragraph. Especially if it includes body measurements of any type.

"First, let me tell you about myself."
Please don't.

 

[JaxRhapsody]

Is any John Q. Reader like "Man, I was super in to this story, but I get the feeling the girl has A-Cups and I'm only down for DD." Surely that doesn't happen?

I have backed out of stories for this nearly exact thing. Recently... a few of them. Olive Oyl don't get me going.

 

[BobbyLaker]

What kicks you out of a story.​

Gratuitous violence... every time.

 

[JaxRhapsody]

There are three main things that will have me closing a tab:

1. I understand that the majority of readers and authors on the site are from North America, and most of the time I'm not put off by a story set in, particularly, the US. But sometimes, particularly if I'm a bit tired, I really don't want the extra effort of negotiating the cultural and geographical references (on other occasions I'm fine with it, and will even go to the extent of opening up Wiki to learn just what a Homecoming Queen actually is, or when Memorial Day is, or how far it is from Sacramento to San Francisco, or how much a dime is worth, or how ubiquitous Dairy Queen is and what a rite of passage it is for teenage girls to work there, or how old a kid is if they are in the fifth grade, or the myriad other things which are obvious to US readers). I'm not for a second suggesting that US authors change what they're doing, it's just that sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming trying to translate it all into 'rest of the world' terms. In those cases, sorry but I'm gone.

There is also a subset of US based stories which I mentally classify as 'America! Fuck yeah!' stories. There aren't tons of them but I do occasionally encounter them, and I'm afraid the second I sense that the author is steeped in Tom Clancy and 24 I'm gone faster than if you present me with a buttplug marinated in tabasco.

2. I'm really not a grammar Nazi, even if I do spend my working life teaching it. I understand the occasional mistake, and make them myself, but if a story is littered with them it can become unreadable. Ditto for spelling mistakes. In such cases I'm afraid that whatever the author is trying to do is lost to me. The same also goes for punctuation. I know it can seem like nit-picking, but incorrect punctuation really can change meaning. Lastly under this point, syntax: working out what Yoda is saying is fun for a few seconds in Star Wars but I don't want to spend five thousand words doing it.

3. If I'm just not into the particular kink or activity the author is writing about I'm afraid I'll usually close the story down. It may be (and indeed, usually is) pretty well-written. It's just not for me. In such circumstances I will often just head to the end and give a good score - the story is by no means bad, and it is usually my fault for choosing poorly.

Number three goes without saying, honestly. Even if we might not be reading to masturbate, like any other thing to read- it's for enjoyment. A story can be a gods damned masterpiece worthy of a Newberry Press award and talk show tour... but if it's scat or something else I don't like; I'm chuckin tha dueces.

 

[StillStunned]

For some people gratuitous violence is a punch in the gut, but it's how I get my kicks.

 

[EmilyMiller]

There is also a subset of US based stories which I mentally classify as 'America! Fuck yeah!' stories. There aren't tons of them but I do occasionally encounter them, and I'm afraid the second I sense that the author is steeped in Tom Clancy and 24 I'm gone faster than if you present me with a buttplug marinated in tabasco.

I’ve had betas ask me what pre-K is.

Then At Whorey’s Piers requires not just a knowledge of America, but of three specific locations on the South Jersey Shore and one particular Water Park. Not many of my countrymen and women got that. Surprising really.

But I have to in general admit to writing a lot of American fucks .

Em

 

[RetroFan]

Instantly: Second Person POV or Present Tense Narrative

Reading A Bit Further: Unrealistic character reactions to events or preposterous story lines in stories set in the real world. I like fantasy and erotic horror stories, and stories about things that don't happen in real life (body swaps, time travel etc.) but I maintain even in fantasy there must be some realistic reaction of characters to events or a story-line that makes sense. For example, foot fetish stories are pretty common, but if I started reading a story set at an American college where all the female students attend with bare feet and the reason why is never explained, this is not a realistic enough scenario to go with it.

 

[onehitwanda]

all the female students attend with bare feet

obviously they're practicing for when they're pregnant in the kitchen.

 

[Bamagan]

I second the vote on second person. Nothing takes me out of a story faster than the author insisting that I be in it.

Most fetishes won't automatically do it, at least of the stuff you normally find here, aside from scat stuff.

One probably odd thing I can't tolerate reading about is a smoking fetish. This is not a squick thing, exactly, but I have a tobacco allergy so I can't be around people who are smoking without getting congested sinuses, red and runny eyes, and so forth. Somehow or another, reading about smoking makes my brain conjure up the memory of the smell, which then usually triggers a psychosomatic response for some fucking reason. I'll start coughing and wheezing and sometimes tear up. It typically only lasts for a few minutes, but I take it as evidence that my brain secretly hates me.

 

[MajorRewrite]

Poop
Piss
Ass to mouth