What would you do? URGENT

[Sonoma4Life]

I post this at the general section, but they said I should try here.
To copy and paste:

What would you do?

I broke up from my husband some time ago. It ended because I fucked up (let's just call it an infidelity issue) and he fucked up (was lazy, drink too much). In my mind for all this time, we are finished and same for him. In fact I moved on, started seeing other people. And we filed for divorce.

For months we are ok to each on the phone, but now the final divorce is near by. He became very angry, yelling at me, just to push me away. Then out comes the truth: “I want you back.” He gave me a long speech about why. About the changes he has made (which is true). And that he has finally forgive me for what I did last time.

I look back and I know I did not respect him, which is why I did what happened.
Now he says he is forgiving me.

When he told these things on the phone, I remember that I love him. That maybe I should try again.

What would do? What is done is done? Or try again?

 

[rosebud5446]

I may be young and naive, but IMO there is a reason you two got married to begin with. I think if you have found a way to work through your problems, you should try to give it another shot. Don't take my word for it, see what everyone else has to say. Hope everything turns out for the best.

 

[webber1998]

In my opinion, if you love him, and he loves you, I would give it some time to see if things REALLY have changed.

People really can change. Sometimes they have to be hit over the head to do the things that are necessary to move forward.

Just keep in mind that people sometimes change for the WRONG reason. Not because THEY want to/need to, but because they don't want to lose something. And only time can tell if they have sincerely met the challenge of that change.

While there was something that brought you two together in the first place, don't forget what drove you apart either.

 

[Starbuck69]

I post this at the general section, but they said I should try here.
To copy and paste:

What would you do?

I broke up from my husband some time ago. It ended because I fucked up (let's just call it an infidelity issue) and he fucked up (was lazy, drink too much). In my mind for all this time, we are finished and same for him. In fact I moved on, started seeing other people. And we filed for divorce.

For months we are ok to each on the phone, but now the final divorce is near by. He became very angry, yelling at me, just to push me away. Then out comes the truth: “I want you back.” He gave me a long speech about why. About the changes he has made (which is true). And that he has finally forgive me for what I did last time.

I look back and I know I did not respect him, which is why I did what happened.
Now he says he is forgiving me.

When he told these things on the phone, I remember that I love him. That maybe I should try again.

What would do? What is done is done? Or try again?

If the two of you still LOVE each other and you think that things can work out then I personally think you should at least try.

In your post you said that he has forgiven you, but what about him, it does take two so have you forgave him?

I agree with rosebud5446 that there must have been a reason why the two of you got married in the first place, so if the Love is still there then perhaps there is still hope for the two of you.

 

[Starbuck69]

Just one more thing, think about your own feelings and then decide for your self, this is way to important for you to let others decide or even sway what you decide

 

[Straight-8]

I agree with rosebud5446 that there must have been a reason why the two of you got married in the first place,

There's also a reason for the infidelity, drinking, anger (now THERE'S a good sign), breakup and divorce. If you go back you'll probably end up exactly where you are in a couple of years wondering 'why?'.

Going back to your 'new and improved' former lover/spouse is the easy way out. They are never new and rarely improved.

But, the heart wants what it wants. You'll probably go back to him and maybe be the 1:10,000,000 odds winner and make it work. I have to stop now, I need to buy a ticket on the lottery.

 

[human_male]

I'd urge you to be really careful. Instead of jumping right back into it in the hopes things have changed, maybe still remain seperated but start seeing each other, like dating, and get to know him (the new and improved him) and see if things have changed. If not, then you're not in so deep that you can't extricate yourself and go on with the divorce.

I'd hate to see you fall back into a bad situation on the hopes it will be different, find out it's not, and then waste god knows how many more months or years getting out.

 

[Sonoma4Life]

Thank you for the responses.

I am very torn. I want thinks to go back to like the beginning, when we were first dating and got married.

A while after we got married we moved to a new town and I started a new job. He did not bother, and pretty much rarely worked. Sat around drinking beer. After a while (years) I lost respect for him. One day I met a man who was such a go-getter who paid attention to me. The rest is history.

We seperated a year ago. He moved a few states away. And started working in a good job, has done it for a year.

Maybe the thing to do is to take it slow as suggested. Not just move in together again like he wants.

 

[Halo_n_horns]

I post this at the general section, but they said I should try here.
To copy and paste:

What would you do?

I broke up from my husband some time ago. It ended because I fucked up (let's just call it an infidelity issue) and he fucked up (was lazy, drink too much). In my mind for all this time, we are finished and same for him. In fact I moved on, started seeing other people. And we filed for divorce.

For months we are ok to each on the phone, but now the final divorce is near by. He became very angry, yelling at me, just to push me away. Then out comes the truth: “I want you back.” He gave me a long speech about why. About the changes he has made (which is true). And that he has finally forgive me for what I did last time.

I look back and I know I did not respect him, which is why I did what happened.
Now he says he is forgiving me.

When he told these things on the phone, I remember that I love him. That maybe I should try again.

What would do? What is done is done? Or try again?

You broke up for reasons between the two of you. Those things will always be there. Its not for us to tell you what we think you should do. Its for the two of you to really figure out if you can move past these things that broke you up in the first place, or will they always be too close to the front of your minds and hearts to get beyond.

Good luck.

 

[sister76]

I post this at the general section, but they said I should try here.
To copy and paste:

What would you do?

I broke up from my husband some time ago. It ended because I fucked up (let's just call it an infidelity issue) and he fucked up (was lazy, drink too much). In my mind for all this time, we are finished and same for him. In fact I moved on, started seeing other people. And we filed for divorce.

For months we are ok to each on the phone, but now the final divorce is near by. He became very angry, yelling at me, just to push me away. Then out comes the truth: “I want you back.” He gave me a long speech about why. About the changes he has made (which is true). And that he has finally forgive me for what I did last time.

I look back and I know I did not respect him, which is why I did what happened.
Now he says he is forgiving me.

When he told these things on the phone, I remember that I love him. That maybe I should try again.

What would do? What is done is done? Or try again?

You have to look in your heart for this one. And your head. It all depends on what you want. You have the ability to step away forever or reconcile. What do you really want? That is the question.

 

[curl4ever]

You broke up for reasons between the two of you. Those things will always be there. Its not for us to tell you what we think you should do. Its for the two of you to really figure out if you can move past these things that broke you up in the first place, or will they always be too close to the front of your minds and hearts to get beyond.

Good luck.

Halo_n_horns' advice sounds EXTREMELY wise and very well put!

If it were me in the situation, I'd probably want to discuss some of these issues in front of a neutral party (therapist or counselor).

-curl

 

[Eilan]

My ex and I attempted a half-assed reconciliation. I say half-assed because he never moved back home and he didn't have the balls to dump the girl he was cheating on me with because she played the pregnancy card until she was no longer able to do so.

It was essentially a prolonging of the inevitable. I allowed my own husband to treat me like a booty call because my self-esteem was in the shitter. Never fucking again.

Your mileage may vary, of course. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[HornyVikingMN]

Proceed with Caution

Like some of the others before me, I'd encourage you to be very cautious. It's normal and natural to pause before making a big life decision, especially when it involves an ending of some kind. What seemed like a good idea and the absolute right decision has a way of suddenly becoming pretty scary and sad when you're about to sign the papers. That doesn't mean it's the wrong decision, just an acknowledgment that this is a big scary decision. Hell, I pause at the garbage can when I'm about to throw away some old smelly sneakers, telling myself for just a moment that it's really a shame to throw them away!

I'm inclined to agree with the suggestion that you go back to dating. You need the opportunity to work on the issues that drove you apart without the pressure of living under the same roof. There's no need to rush into a big mistake - and if it proves not to be a mistake you always have the option of moving back in together.

Good luck!

 

[BreeCarter]

I may be young and naive, but IMO there is a reason you two got married to begin with. I think if you have found a way to work through your problems, you should try to give it another shot. Don't take my word for it, see what everyone else has to say. Hope everything turns out for the best.

exactly. if he's willing to forgive, than it won't hurt to give it another chance. if it doesn't work, then continue with the divorce later.

 

[Cathleen]

Firstly I wish you both well.

I'm wondering about a different angle. He says he forgives you which is great and I understand his behavior contributed to you "let's just call it an infidelity issue". But is that the whole reason? Would you have still been tempted enough to take action with the other man if your husband's behaviors were less problematic? Also, you said you ''fucked up'', have you forgiven yourself? How do you feel about his actions then and now?

I'm with others here that I'd proceed with caution and move slowly. Is it possible to put the divorce on hold for a period of time? Being up against a deadline is not conducive to making a good decision. It's too big a decision to make under any kind of stress.

 

[Xander06]

This may sound like a light hearted approach, but bear with me.
1. Go to flip a coin - say to yourself beforehand, "heads yes, tails no."
2. Now flip
3. Before you look to see what the coin is, you will find yourself hoping it is either heads or tails - Do what you want
4. Don't look at the coin

 

[amBIguous]

As much as you want someone to give you a clear and easy answer, I personally wouldn't presume to be able to offer a solution to a problem as long and involved as this one seems to be. I would hazard that you would need a professional therapist/counselor and many sessions to wade through the pent up emotions and problems that have been brewing. Sorry.

That being said, I have one question to ask. Are you looking back and questioning your actions/reactions simply because going back with him is the easier, known course as opposed to the uncertian road in the other direction?

Sorry I couldn't be more help. Good luck.

 

[Malaria]

I think you need to stop asking us what we'd do and work out why you can't make the decision yourself?

 

[Horny_Husband]

If the two of you still LOVE each other and you think that things can work out then I personally think you should at least try.

In your post you said that he has forgiven you, but what about him, it does take two so have you forgave him?

I agree with rosebud5446 that there must have been a reason why the two of you got married in the first place, so if the Love is still there then perhaps there is still hope for the two of you.

There is a reson why the two of you got together in the first place. Is there another reason to go ahead and get back together?

I'd say give it another try.

 

[bobsgirl]

Do you have children?

It's even more important to take it slowly and be very sure if you have children.

I wouldn't be in such a big hurry to move back in together. Words are cheap, if you know what I mean. It takes some time to figure out if these changes are for real.

Joint counseling is an excellent idea.

 

[Sonoma4Life]

No children, although I wish that I did. At my age he is probably my last chance anwya.

 

[curl4ever]

No children, although I wish that I did. At my age he is probably my last chance anwya.

Try not to feel rushed. You might find an unattached guy with just the right number of future stepkids.
Wishing you peace and serenity,
- curl

 

[WestVaCouple]

Change

If you say he has made changes, and if you are willing to change. Then I would suggest giving it at least one more try. Be open and honest with your feelings, and try some couples counselling.

Jay & Ellen

 

[Leah57]

Like some of the others before me, I'd encourage you to be very cautious. It's normal and natural to pause before making a big life decision, especially when it involves an ending of some kind. What seemed like a good idea and the absolute right decision has a way of suddenly becoming pretty scary and sad when you're about to sign the papers. That doesn't mean it's the wrong decision, just an acknowledgment that this is a big scary decision. Hell, I pause at the garbage can when I'm about to throw away some old smelly sneakers, telling myself for just a moment that it's really a shame to throw them away!

I'm inclined to agree with the suggestion that you go back to dating. You need the opportunity to work on the issues that drove you apart without the pressure of living under the same roof. There's no need to rush into a big mistake - and if it proves not to be a mistake you always have the option of moving back in together.

Good luck!

I agree with this advice. Making a big life decision like this is VERY scary, but if you're really inclined to give him a 2nd chance, then proceed with caution as above.....

My EX and I separated almost 10 yrs ago now, we've been divorced for almost 6. (We were married almost 20 years when we separated). We have 2 adult children together, and I can honestly say that I think we have a much better "divorce" than we had a "marriage", at least from how things were at the end.

 

[Mrs.P]

Well, I am looking at this from a different stance, I think. My answer would be completely different if you had children, btw. You strayed from him and were with another man. You say that he had a drinking problem, was lazy, etc., I don't put much stock in people changing these days. I am sure you do love each other and care for each other, but is it "that" kind of love that can persevere? I guess you have nothing to lose by trying. What has your life been like since you've separated? Do you miss him? Are you happier?