where are all the bi or bicurious women?

[bequ23]

need some help

Hey. I'm a bisexual with no bi experience. I do NOT consider myself bi-curious, because I know if the opportunity had presented itself I would have been with a woman and enjoyed it. If others are comfortable w/the label "bi-curious" good for them...but it's not for me.

This is so me! I am married but I fantasize about women ALL the time and if I had the opportunity to be with a woman I would take it. I have been feeling the need to be with a woman more recently as my sex life with my husband has decreased due due his disabilities. I don't know what to do or where to go, but I need to do something. Any suggestions? I don't plan to leave my husband, but I need to find someone to be with and I am not interested in finding a man.

 

[LLorelei]

"...I don't know what to do or where to go, but I need to do something. Any suggestions? I don't plan to leave my husband, but I need to find someone to be with and I am not interested in finding a man..."

Bequ, I'd suggest two things. First, if it's at all possible, let your husband know what's going on. It's heartwrenching, having to keep such a big secret from someone who knows and loves you (even if he's not sexually satisfying you right now). Second, how to find a lover depends on what you're looking for. If you're interested in just casual sex, check Craig's List and be very careful. If not, then I'd suggest looking for LGBT groups in your area that are doing things you enjoy. Book clubs, bowling or softball leagues, discussion groups, religious groups - whatever interests you. If you're not a bar person, don't try to pick up women at a gay bar. You'll more than likely end up with someone who likes bars more than you do. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) If you go to a LGBT activity you're interested in, you'll know that the women you meet will have something in common with you, that you can talk about when you're not in bed. Personally, I find that being able to talk to my partner is a big turn-on.

 

[bequ23]

I'd suggest looking for LGBT groups in your area that are doing things you enjoy. Book clubs, bowling or softball leagues, discussion groups, religious groups - whatever interests you. If you're not a bar person, don't try to pick up women at a gay bar. You'll more than likely end up with someone who likes bars more than you do. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) If you go to a LGBT activity you're interested in, you'll know that the women you meet will have something in common with you, that you can talk about when you're not in bed. Personally, I find that being able to talk to my partner is a big turn-on.[/QUOTE]

Thanks, Lorelei, that was a very helpful suggestion. I will definately look into that and maybe I can find people to talk to if nothing else. If I can find someone to be intimate with, all the better : )

As for talking to my husband, he knows I fantasize about women and that I have always wished I had been with a woman in the past, but he is very sensitive now about his disabilities and his inabilites, so talking about sex is very difficult. For now I just need to be with women I can talk to, I don't know if I could even be with another woman as much as I want to. And believe me, I REALLY want to!

Is it always this difficult for a woman who has been considered straight for so long when she acknowledges her true sexuality but won't allow herself to move forward because of the people in her life?

 

[GrotesqueBurges]

Well

I like girls mostly, but I love feminin looking guys and gay porn with feminin guys really does it for me. I prefer my girls "soft-butch", which I guess means that I like androgenous looking people.

 

[LLorelei]

Is it always this difficult for a woman who has been considered straight for so long when she acknowledges her true sexuality but won't allow herself to move forward because of the people in her life?

Bequ - I think it's always difficult when you have the weight of expectations pulling you back into a rut you think it's time to step out of - any kind of rut. More so when it's got to do with a subject that people have hangups about, like sexuality. People feel comfortable if they think they know what to expect from the others in their lives. When someone in their life does something unexpected, it makes them revise their worldview to a greater or lesser extent. After all, if they were wrong about you, what secrets are the rest of their friends/family keeping? That can feel threatening and scary - and people don't always react well to fear. Often, I think, if you're patient with them and they love you more than they love their safe little boxes, they'll get their worldview adjusted and will come around. It's just so scary, not knowing how everybody is going to react. It helps to have people to talk to who know what you're going through, or at least who are solidly supportive no matter what. I hope you have or can find people like that to stand by you. Believe me, there are a *lot* of "late bloomers" in the queer women's community who could empathize with you. My partner didn't come out as lesbian until she was 40. (Actually, when she sat her sibs down and told them "the news," they said, "Oh, thank God. I thought you were going to tell us you had cancer.")

Ultimately, it's worth the effort though - in my opinion. I've known so many people who, for whatever reason, didn't feel free to be themselves all the time. I've been one myself...and in fact, I'm going through a little bit of it again right now. You use up so much energy, trying to bend yourself into pretzel knots to fit other people's expectations, that you don't have enough energy left to be happy and at peace. Or to be a good partner/friend/family member/employee/(insert role here). It takes a lot to grow into yourself, but you get a lot out of it. Or at least I did.

Another little bit of advice: since you said that you need to be with women you can talk to, let the sex thing slide for a bit until you've gotten your feet under you and met some queer friends. Whenever I've decided that "it's time I did _____" I've gotten myself into a huge mess. Relax. Meet some people. Make some new friends. Knowing that you can enjoy hanging out with women-who-love-women is a better indication (I think) of whether you're ready for a coming-out experience than knowing you can get hot & heavy with a pickup. I know what it's like, not being sexually satisfied with your relationship - and it can get to be a big pressure. But it sounds like emotional intimacy is also something you're looking for. Don't make the mistake of confusing the two, because sex can be pretty awful if there isn't any emotional intimacy - and I'd hate for your first experience with a woman to be unsatifying for that reason. Maybe you'd feel better if you had a counselor to talk to as well. Not that I'm saying there's anything wrong with you. It helped me, is all.

Best of luck, Bequ. Sorry for the novel everybody. Imagine - a writer getting too wordy on a bulletin board.

 

[bequ23]

More great advice from Lorelei

" It helps to have people to talk to who know what you're going through, or at least who are solidly supportive no matter what. I hope you have or can find people like that to stand by you. Believe me, there are a *lot* of "late bloomers" in the queer women's community who could empathize with you.


Another little bit of advice: since you said that you need to be with women you can talk to, let the sex thing slide for a bit until you've gotten your feet under you and met some queer friends. Whenever I've decided that "it's time I did _____" I've gotten myself into a huge mess. Relax. Meet some people. Make some new friends. Knowing that you can enjoy hanging out with women-who-love-women is a better indication (I think) of whether you're ready for a coming-out experience than knowing you can get hot & heavy with a pickup. I know what it's like, not being sexually satisfied with your relationship - and it can get to be a big pressure. But it sounds like emotional intimacy is also something you're looking for. Don't make the mistake of confusing the two, because sex can be pretty awful if there isn't any emotional intimacy - and I'd hate for your first experience with a woman to be unsatifying for that reason. "

Lorelei, Thank you for such good advice. Feeling like I am stuck sometimes, of course I am going to fantasize about the beautiful lesbian knight with the long flowing hair coming to rescue me from my ho hum life and, like the little girls' fantasies of the strapping knights on the white horses, the reality is most often a disappointment. Emotional intimacy with another woman is so much more important at this point, but I have to tell you, I can't stop thinking about sex with a woman! I haven't done it yet, but oh goddess, I want to! My fantasy life is all I have right now, but once I find someone I can trust to talk to, I think I can reconcile the fantasy with the reality.


Thank you for continuing to write to me on this thread. I am sure I am not the only woman with this particular problem, so for all of us frustrated, in-the-closet, married bi-sexuals and dykes, thank you.

 

[CuriousSweetness]

Bicurious

I'm curious about alot things sexually, and I've been bicurious since I was a wee teenager, but I've never explored it fully, and although I have had offers, It's one of the few sexual areas I'm still a little shy about venturing into. And I've done some kinky stuff.

 

[Vail_Indigo]

I'm curious about alot things sexually, and I've been bicurious since I was a wee teenager, but I've never explored it fully, and although I have had offers, It's one of the few sexual areas I'm still a little shy about venturing into. And I've done some kinky stuff.

Thats not surprising, really, that you are still shy about it.
There's a real difference between kinky stuff and bi stuff.
Very few people suddenly feel the need to adjust their identities because of some kink. And the outside world doesn't usually do that either.
There's lots of reasons for that, but regardless, our sexual orientation is a big part of how we see ourselves, and how others see us (or so we are told).
By having a bi experience, you bring that under question.
You might have to look at who you are inside.
And thats a big deal.
Don't get me wrong, I think its silly that this is a big deal at all, but it obviously is.

 

[Stegral]

I am Bi -Curious...
Problem in she MUST have long hair.
It is a thing of mine (even for guys)
One of my G/F's is bi & had long hair & I was JUST about to ask her questions when she had it all chopped off, I lost all the desire to ask her anything after that.
I think I only have a few G/F's that are straight, most are Bi
Now if I could find a long haired couple that she was Bi I would be set... LMAOO

 

[BICURIOUS01]

Newbi

I Am Here...i Am New To This Site...i Am Married Also And Confused As Hell...i Love My Husband To Death But Often Wonder'd What It Is Like To B W/ Same Sex... I Went To A Strip Club And Found That I Like What I Saw In Person...even Had Some Close Touches...i Got My First Kiss Over The Summer From A Chick...the Sad Thing Is I Like'd It.

 

[Filly Gal]

So difficult to confine human sexuality into such rigid places not only with society but even more importantly within ourselves!!

Wish all here well in their journey to dicover their true self and have the courage and commitment to allow that self its fullest expression!!

 

[calilaughlvr]

20f California looking to get to know another girl with as a healthy sexual appetite as me....

 

[rawkchik]

This hasn't had a post in a while, I hope everyone is okay and their conquests are fruitful.

 

[CuriousSweetness]

Thats not surprising, really, that you are still shy about it.
There's a real difference between kinky stuff and bi stuff.
Very few people suddenly feel the need to adjust their identities because of some kink. And the outside world doesn't usually do that either.
There's lots of reasons for that, but regardless, our sexual orientation is a big part of how we see ourselves, and how others see us (or so we are told).
By having a bi experience, you bring that under question.
You might have to look at who you are inside.
And thats a big deal.
Don't get me wrong, I think its silly that this is a big deal at all, but it obviously is.

Thanks Vail_Indigo. I guess in your right about looking inside myself.
I hope one day that I can decide to either just be free of my curiousity or to overlook my shyness and discover if I am meant to be bisexual.

 

[CNYCarol]

Started as a "LUG" at age 15.

Married at age 26.

Widowed at 30.

...and finally come full circle!

99% les on the Crystal Coast.

 

[curiousisjane]

A very curious married woman, aged 44 and looking to chat with other women. Look me up as curiousisjane on the members page.

 

[theedebster]

Hello

Just decided to drop in and say hi. Hope everyone had a nice winter break from school. I'm over 40, married with two children. I have always enjoyed the company of women and having sex with them as often as could be allowed. My husband is not really aware of how much I desire women. I did however let him "talk" me into a threesome with another female and he came away from that experience knowing I wasn't shy about the female anatomy. I have had some luck on Craigslist as well as this forum. I would advise any woman with the desire and/or curiosity to have sex with another woman to at least try it once. It's not like you're getting a tattoo.

 

[VampGirl]

I'm a bi women who is married to a very straight guy. He refuses to share me with anyone and its really frusterating at ALL TIMES!! I miss the touch of a womens body aganist mine the feeling of their soft lips, the other night i was thinking about my best friend (who is like my sister) when him and i were making love...argh i need release...maybe one day he will lighten up...i hope!!!

 

[Bandit58]

I'm a bi women who is married to a very straight guy. He refuses to share me with anyone and its really frusterating at ALL TIMES!! I miss the touch of a womens body aganist mine the feeling of their soft lips, the other night i was thinking about my best friend (who is like my sister) when him and i were making love...argh i need release...maybe one day he will lighten up...i hope!!!

I find that quite sad....because I did nothing about my bi desires until after I left my first husband. By then I was in my early 40s. He was straight like your husband, and still doesn't know I am bi (unless the kids have told him )

Don't bet on yours lightening up one day either. The boards are full of posts and threads from people who cannot get what they need from their partners, whether it be bi sex or BDSM or even good old regular sex. All you can do is maybe bring the subject up, reassure him that it doesn't take anything away from your relationship with him, and hope that he will agree to you playing with women either with or without him there.

I now have a wonderful Husband/Dom who allows me the freedom to play with women and in fact encourages it. We play together, or I go and play with my friend alone (He even drives me to her place ).

I sincerely hope one day you get to fulfill your desires....it took me many years to be able to do that but it is sooo worth it

 

[snugsly]

Reading through this thread has been very interesting to me. To see so many women in different types of situations having similar issues with their sexuality. I was with the same man for 16 years, and have been married for six and half of those. We have been separated for a while now. It was emotionally abusive and sexually unfulfilling. I had supressed my true sexual feelings because he was so disgusted by them. I was also only 19 when we met. I was doing what was expected of me for a long time. I had finally had it with him being so ansty to me and not having a job. I am just glad we never got around to children. Although a hard decision, it was the best one I ever made. It allowed me to fully realize and express who I was.

I am in a relationship with a woman now (first for both of us). It was a very natural thing, that is how I knew I was making the right decision. She is amazing and I have never felt more emotionally and sexually fulfilled.

Thanks for letting me spout.

 

[theedebster]

straight hubbys

Reading through this thread has been very interesting to me. To see so many women in different types of situations having similar issues with their sexuality. I was with the same man for 16 years, and have been married for six and half of those. We have been separated for a while now. It was emotionally abusive and sexually unfulfilling. I had supressed my true sexual feelings because he was so disgusted by them. I was also only 19 when we met. I was doing what was expected of me for a long time. I had finally had it with him being so ansty to me and not having a job. I am just glad we never got around to children. Although a hard decision, it was the best one I ever made. It allowed me to fully realize and express who I was.

I am in a relationship with a woman now (first for both of us). It was a very natural thing, that is how I knew I was making the right decision. She is amazing and I have never felt more emotionally and sexually fulfilled.

Thanks for letting me spout.

I don't know how I would react if I were single. Maybe I would move in with a woman. However, I am married with children and would prefer to stay closeted for the sake of their feelings, etc.

 

[VampGirl]

i can understand that. i was only intrested in women before i met my husband who turned me over to the dark side hehehe but if i was single i would be dating a women and probably being a crazy nymph like i was before i was married.

 

[xotcho2008]

love the idea ojf jillin with another woman- that keeps me wet

 

[Curious22001]

never had the chance but the thought is very exciting!!

 

[MrsCCfromRC]

Hi all, and yes, we are around