Where are all the men?

[satindesire]

Honestly, I wouldn't mind that approach, but only because I've used it before myself. Sexual attraction is the first reason most people start those kinds of conversations, anyway. "Hey, I like the way that person looks, and I'm attracted to them, so I'll talk to them and see if I can get to know them." It's natural. No one knows about that person's personality, or hobbies, or anything else when they're strangers. Looks DO matter, because most of the time, if you like what you see, you want to get closer and actually get past the looks to the 'meat' of a person.

Being attracted to her because she's cute, and asking her on a date, to me, isn't creepy, it's confident. When a man has the balls to straight up ask for what he wants, I respect that. I may or may not say yes, but I surely won't think he's a pussy for being too shy to even approach me.

When I counsel young men, I get asked this question a lot. "How can I get a date? Why don't I have a girlfriend? How can I get a girl to notice me?" And more often than not, they're the kind of guys who simply don't have the confidence to deal with the possibility of rejection. They never talk to women or ask a girl out because they're just 100% positive that a "no" would crush them forever and that one girl is the only chance they'll ever have to get a girlfriend.

Well, I'm sorry for sounding like such a raging bitch, but I don't respect that one bit. If you ask a girl out, you have a fifty percent chance of her saying yes. If you don't ask her out, you have a ZERO percent chance of her saying yes. It's logic.

YC, I say go for it. The worst thing she can do is say no. And you know as well as I do that if she says no, the world isn't going to explode nor will you die from heartbreak.

She's cute, you want to date her, so ask her.

 

[Homburg]

Yea, that what I though, maybe its better that my balls ascended then… it happens…

Unfortunately I could think of no other way to meet this girl, you know, one of those cute ones that has a demeanor you think you could really get along with. She was in one of my classes, but circumstances resulted in only about a 30 second window to talk to her. Nothing natural ever took off course, we only ogled each other occasionally during class. I decided to go with the ambush method but lost my nerve when I realized how much I would have to pull out of my ass just to avoid spontaneous flames.

Dude, having a class together means there's some common ground. It's not just "You look hot." Much less chance of seeming creepy there.

 

[JMohegan]

Sans common interest, something like that says, "I like your tits/ass/face/etc, and that is why I'm asking you out."

I agree with SD on this point. If I'm in any social situation at all, or even just out and about running errands, the woman I would approach would be the one I find attractive. I consider this to be 100% normal behavior, for males and females alike.

However, a pretty face or fine set of t&a doesn't guarantee that the female in question is warm, friendly, capable of stringing sentences together in an interesting fashion, or reasonably compatible in terms of her political/world view.

You can only get a preliminary indication as to those traits by talking to somebody, and this is reason #1 in opposition to the ambush method (assuming the goal is more than a quick fuck). Reason #2 is the creep factor, as LB put it, which greatly reduces your chances of success.

I simply can't imagine setting anything off on that sort of footing. Just not my manner at all.

In this sense, I would guess that I am one of those that doesn't have "game", as JM put it.

No, having quality game means that you're skilled at achieving your personal goals with women, more often than not.

If the interaction fits the personalities involved, you can work toward your goal by chatting via PM, or roleplaying as a talking cock on the Internet. If the end result is that you get what you want, physically, emotionally, and otherwise, then you've won.

 

[JMohegan]

Yea, that what I though, maybe its better that my balls ascended then… it happens…

Unfortunately I could think of no other way to meet this girl, you know, one of those cute ones that has a demeanor you think you could really get along with. She was in one of my classes, but circumstances resulted in only about a 30 second window to talk to her. Nothing natural ever took off course, we only ogled each other occasionally during class. I decided to go with the ambush method but lost my nerve when I realized how much I would have to pull out of my ass just to avoid spontaneous flames.

Le sigh, did I mention she was really cute, and white for once, my mom would have approved. Ha ha!!



Ha ha!!
Here your go, my anti ted bundy card.
Now how about your number
this is not awkward at all


Maybe I should try to grade school method


Do you like me?

yes or no

Circle one <3



How about being really, really… really ridiculously good looking

Nothing "natural" ever happens without effort on somebody's part.

Walk her out of class, making casual conversation. Quick comments or questions about the lecture/homework/exam/whatever. If this happens in a series of 30 second episodes, why not just come right out and say what you're thinking?

Something like: "We keep getting interrupted, since I've always got Chemistry to run to after this class. Would you like to meet me at [insert invitation to low-key, public, campus snacking/meeting spot] this afternoon?"

Her response to that question will tell you if she "likes" you, in the 'I want to get to know this guy better' sense.

Well, it was kind of hard to tell. She has a straight-faced most of the time, even while ogling. I think I only ever saw her smile once. However the seat I usually manage to snag is slightly back from her, and I would catch her looking back at me more then once. I tried to grab here eyes, figure out what’s up, shoot her a mischievous smile, but she just looks, and then turns forward again.

At this point I’m just rambling, its late, and I’m working on finals stuff, my mind is just about gone.

I think its just that its plain hard to meet girls in class. I have heard of one way that supposedly works well, but I won’t do it, immoral. Constitutes stealing a girls phone out of her bag, getting her number, and then latter calling her to inviting her to a party.

Its funny how this culture is now so antisocial that people steal contact information when they sit right next to that person, and ti wroks!

You would think that talking to them would be more effective, but I think that usually just makes them think, "stop trying to fuck me!"

If you're leering, drooling, or asking her back to your bedroom, yes of course she'll think that. But if you act as if you're interested in getting to know her as a person, there's a chance she'll respond in kind.

The stealing a number out of a bag thing sounds pointless. Just having her number and calling to invite her somewhere in no way guarantees she'll say yes.

 

[MisterSir]

Well, I'm sorry for sounding like such a raging bitch, but I don't respect that one bit. If you ask a girl out, you have a fifty percent chance of her saying yes. If you don't ask her out, you have a ZERO percent chance of her saying yes. It's logic.

Ah, the Gretzky Paradigm, proof positive that, no matter how much of a bumpkin somebody may look, they can score like the proverbial motherfucker. In fairness to the boys, though, there's more at work than just the idea that one rejection causes the world to come crashing down on you and there's only a fifty/fifty chance she'll say yes in the same way that there's a fifty/fifty chance I develop the ability to shoot lasers out of my eyes tomorrow morning (i.e. either it will or it won't. Technically, it is a fifty/fifty chance). It's not just them all being pussies, in other words.

 

[Shankara20]

What about the whole good touch/bad touch thing?

FYI - the language is staring to change from "good touch/bad touch" to "safe touch/not safe touch". The problem is that "bad touch" can feel good and a child may have trouble sorting it out.

We encourage teaching children the proper names of body parts so they have the language to say things, as early as 3 years old kids can learn that no one has the right to touch them in a place covered by a swimsuit unless it is to keep them clean and health (that covers bath time and trips to the MD - not perfect I know), if someone tries to say "No, Go away and Tell" an adult and keep telling until someone believes you, and never never keep secrets. There is more but I'll keep it short today.

It is a damn shame we have to teach little kids how to keep themselves safe.

 

[eastern sun]

Yea, that what I though, maybe its better that my balls ascended then… it happens…

Unfortunately I could think of no other way to meet this girl, you know, one of those cute ones that has a demeanor you think you could really get along with. She was in one of my classes, but circumstances resulted in only about a 30 second window to talk to her. Nothing natural ever took off course, we only ogled each other occasionally during class. I decided to go with the ambush method but lost my nerve when I realized how much I would have to pull out of my ass just to avoid spontaneous flames.

If she was looking back at you during class, then you might have a chance. When I was in college, I got a crush on this guy in one of my classes. I knew he hung out in a certain place at a certain time, and I made a point to hang out there too at the same time and in an empty table. I also looked at him once in a while, and smiled.

Long story short. . . after a couple of weeks, he came over and sat down at my table. We ended up living together for two and half years.

Now, I'm the girl, which makes it a lot easier. But . . . you have something in common. You were in class together. If you know where she hangs out, try hanging out there too and see what happens. (Just don't move too fast. That's what makes people jump. And let it be okay that nothing happens too.)

 

[graceanne]

FYI - the language is staring to change from "good touch/bad touch" to "safe touch/not safe touch". The problem is that "bad touch" can feel good and a child may have trouble sorting it out.

We encourage teaching children the proper names of body parts so they have the language to say things, as early as 3 years old kids can learn that no one has the right to touch them in a place covered by a swimsuit unless it is to keep them clean and health (that covers bath time and trips to the MD - not perfect I know), if someone tries to say "No, Go away and Tell" an adult and keep telling until someone believes you, and never never keep secrets. There is more but I'll keep it short today.

It is a damn shame we have to teach little kids how to keep themselves safe.

Or you could tell them (like I do) that no one can touch them there unless I'm with them (or K, but normally I take them to the doctors). Which covers doctors visits. As for cleaning, as soon as they were old enough to talk about these things I had them keep their privates clean themselves. When I was bathing them, I'd get all of them clean then hand them the washrag and tell them to clean their [fill in the blanks]. I'd watch and make sure they got it really clean, but it didn't take them long to learn how to keep themselves clean.

 

[graceanne]

YC - there is one other option. Set up a night to go out with your friends, and invite her. That's what my best friend does. Just a simple 'hey, me and my friends were gonna go do xyz (see a movie, go to a bar, whatever), do you wanna go?"

This is very casual and very comfortable, because there isn't the stress (for either of you) of a date. It'll give you a chance to talk so you can discover if you want to do more than hang out. Plus you'll be more likely to get an opening to ask her for a date, so you're not 'ambushing' her.

 

[YourCaptor]

I don’t have too much social intelligence, so figuring out how to make a conversation happen is though. If it’s a spontaneous talk I do find, but if I have been thinking on it, ugh.

Plus I don’t have much emotional intelligence either. The most common reaction I get from people is a shrinking away and a “I’m sorry”, simply because I look at them.

So having all those advantages.

My game consists of the sentence, “do you like to go out a lot?”

Which can either lead to if she has a boyfriend, or asking her to go out.

The rest I try to leave natural. On some days I do great, on other days I totally fail, like yesterday.



I’ll be doing some ball replacement therapy today. That is climb to high places and hold on with my fingertips, and do it all better then those other guys. I got 1st place in the last completion, wish me luck in maintaining my title.

Honestly, I wouldn't mind that approach, but only because I've used it before myself.

Well you got it easy, who in their right mind would turn down a cute pregers chick.

JK, but yea, should have gone for it.

The stealing a number out of a bag thing sounds pointless. Just having her number and calling to invite her somewhere in no way guarantees she'll say yes.

Apparently its more guaranteed then face to face. People are just more comfortable these days with over the phone conversations rather then in person.

If you know where she hangs out, try hanging out there too and see what happens. (Just don't move too fast. That's what makes people jump. And let it be okay that nothing happens too.)

I have no clue, all I know is shes has cute hair, cute nose, cute eyes, and awesome body. Plus she must have brain if she is in there.

YC - there is one other option. Set up a night to go out with your friends, and invite her.

I think that would have per pissing her pants. My friends are not exactly girl friendly. They would constantly be trying to pull the "share the wealth" thing.

 

[intothewoods]

FYI - the language is staring to change from "good touch/bad touch" to "safe touch/not safe touch". The problem is that "bad touch" can feel good and a child may have trouble sorting it out.

We encourage teaching children the proper names of body parts so they have the language to say things, as early as 3 years old kids can learn that no one has the right to touch them in a place covered by a swimsuit unless it is to keep them clean and health (that covers bath time and trips to the MD - not perfect I know), if someone tries to say "No, Go away and Tell" an adult and keep telling until someone believes you, and never never keep secrets. There is more but I'll keep it short today.

It is a damn shame we have to teach little kids how to keep themselves safe.

Thanks for this info, Shank.

 

[nh23]

FYI - the language is staring to change from "good touch/bad touch" to "safe touch/not safe touch". The problem is that "bad touch" can feel good and a child may have trouble sorting it out.

We encourage teaching children the proper names of body parts so they have the language to say things, as early as 3 years old kids can learn that no one has the right to touch them in a place covered by a swimsuit unless it is to keep them clean and health (that covers bath time and trips to the MD - not perfect I know), if someone tries to say "No, Go away and Tell" an adult and keep telling until someone believes you, and never never keep secrets. There is more but I'll keep it short today.

It is a damn shame we have to teach little kids how to keep themselves safe.

Thank You! I'd really like to hear the rest. Also should there be any difference in how I talk to my daughter(8) and my son (4)? Like I mentioned before I really want to be able to empower them, without projecting my own past and fears on them. So any info is very helpful.

 

[Keroin]

I've been reading the YC Dating Advice portion of this thread and trying to think of ways a guy that I didn't really know could approach me that I'd respond favorably to and I have to say I'm stumped. I've always done the, "We know each other as friends and now it's obvious we'd like to take it further" approach to relationships. Cold calling is tough and any time a guy has hit on me this way I've just felt awkward.

Having said that, a guy who can make me laugh scores huge points. I may not go out with him right away, since I like to really know someone well, first, but I'd at least not write him off.

Oh man, I've had some horrific pick up lines though. One guy, at a party, told me I should go out with him because his cock was so perfect that one of the girls he slept with said it should be dipped in gold and put on display.

OK, Gold Member, I'll just move you to the "When Hell Freezes Over" column.

(That guy made me laugh but not in a good way).

 

[MisterSir]

Pity you passed up the chance to go all Last Seduction on him. Y'know..."inspect the merchandise"?

 

[Keroin]

Pity you passed up the chance to go all Last Seduction on him. Y'know..."inspect the merchandise"?

It's one of the great regrets of my life. Years of therapy and I still can't help those sleepless nights, lying awake, wondering, "Damn, did I miss the best piece of meat of my life?!?" *Toss, turn, toss, turn*

 

[Shankara20]

Thank You! I'd really like to hear the rest. Also should there be any difference in how I talk to my daughter(8) and my son (4)? Like I mentioned before I really want to be able to empower them, without projecting my own past and fears on them. So any info is very helpful.

Your daughter at 8 will bring different questions to you then you 4 year old. Just answer the questions at the level they understand. If they ask more, follow their lead no matter what the question but you don't need to tell them stuff beyond their development. "Where do babies come from?" will probability be resolved with "inside mommy" at first. "How do they get out" is a bit more complicated but a simple "there is an opening" might deal with it. "What does it look like" might require a pen and paper and basic drawings. "How do babies get there" is not answered with "god puts it there" but is the start of relationships talks as well as "part A goes into part B" sorts of talk.


We suggest the following in general after the No, Go Tell stuff:
The difference between a bribe and a gift.
They have a right to set their own personal boundaries.
Adults are not always right.
It’s ok to talk about sex.
Saying “No”: Children need help practicing to say “no”.
Sex education: Provide information about development and provide a safe environment to talk about sex – Be the “Sexpert”. Do not let the 3rd grade kid who has watched his big sister screw her boyfriend tell your kid that he does not have a wee-willy but has a penis and exactly what is does beside go pee-pee.
No “Secrets”: No secret games are allowed.
Honor requests for personal space.
Privacy: Teach to knock and model that behavior
By the first grade children should use bedrooms and bathrooms at separate times.
Be conscious of what is worn outside of the bedroom
Tell them the truth to your child.
Provide the moral compass without shaming - Know that they will see other messages and teach how to deal with them
Model the behavior you speak

When, not if, your son runs into your room naked with an little erect penis saying "LOOK WHAT DOES!" let him know that most all do that we don't go running the house that way, we stay in our own room or the bathroom.

All kids touch there "privates" just direct them where and when that can be done.

The Mayo Clinic has some great info link

as does Rutgers link

 

[MisterSir]

It's one of the great regrets of my life. Years of therapy and I still can't help those sleepless nights, lying awake, wondering, "Damn, did I miss the best piece of meat of my life?!?" *Toss, turn, toss, turn*

On a shockingly related note, I was watching Dragons' Den today and somebody successfully pitched a mobile device that allowed him to visit customers and gold-plate objects. You can probably see where this is heading.

 

[graceanne]

When, not if, your son runs into your room naked with an little erect penis saying "LOOK WHAT DOES!" let him know that most all do that we don't go running the house that way, we stay in our own room or the bathroom.

When my son was about two, my sister (age 9) had spent the night. I was changing his diaper and he had a pee-hardon. lol My sister gaped, looked away, gaped, and said "M? Why is . . . never mind."

Very calmly, and without stopping what I was doing, i said "Why is his penis hard?"

In a very relieved voice she said "Well, yeah."

I explained about how when boys really need to pee their penises get hard, and that happens even to little boys. She was like "Oh. Ok."

But it was very cute. I didn't laugh until I was in my room later, because I didn't want to embarrass her.

All kids touch there "privates" just direct them where and when that can be done.

What we did is tell the kids it's ok to do that, but they need to do that when they're alone in their room. If they kept it up, I'd put them in their room and tell them to come out when they're done.

 

[Shankara20]

What we did is tell the kids it's ok to do that, but they need to do that when they're alone in their room. If they kept it up, I'd put them in their room and tell them to come out when they're done.

I think that a great way to deal with it.

I had a mother tell me the other day, with pride in her voice, that her three year old has learned already that he will get his hand slapped if he puts them in his pants.
*sigh*

After another presentation a young mother, about 20+-, asked what to do about her husband. He gave their 5 year old son a spanking after they found him in his room with his hands on his "privates".
*sigh* *sigh*
I will give you 2 to 1 odds that dad is whacking off and feels some guilt about it himself.

 

[graceanne]

I think that a great way to deal with it.

I had a mother tell me the other day, with pride in her voice, that her three year old has learned already that he will get his hand slapped if he puts them in his pants.
*sigh*

After another presentation a young mother, about 20+-, asked what to do about her husband. He gave their 5 year old son a spanking after they found him in his room with his hands on his "privates".
*sigh* *sigh*
I will give you 2 to 1 odds that dad is whacking off and feels some guilt about it himself.

Too often parents parent the way they were parented, without thinking it through. All they're doing is teaching their children that those parts are 'dirty' and 'bad', and that's going to lead to problems later on in life.

My best friend used to be like this until K and I pointed out to her what she was teaching her daughter, and she stopped. Honestly, K probably would have been like that, but I pointed out what you're teaching your children when you over react like that. Suddenly things like that are bad and a secret, and so your kids already know they can't come to you with questions or observations. It's so irritating.

 

[satindesire]

Ah, the Gretzky Paradigm, proof positive that, no matter how much of a bumpkin somebody may look, they can score like the proverbial motherfucker. In fairness to the boys, though, there's more at work than just the idea that one rejection causes the world to come crashing down on you and there's only a fifty/fifty chance she'll say yes in the same way that there's a fifty/fifty chance I develop the ability to shoot lasers out of my eyes tomorrow morning (i.e. either it will or it won't. Technically, it is a fifty/fifty chance). It's not just them all being pussies, in other words.

In my opinion, women and men are responsible for their actions and if they want something, they should ask for it.

I used to be shy. I know what it's like. I used to be insecure, and hate the idea of rejection. But yannow what? I grew up and understood that no one on this planet is going to hand me a date, a job, a whatever...I need to have the huevos to ask for it.

 

[JMohegan]

I've been reading the YC Dating Advice portion of this thread and trying to think of ways a guy that I didn't really know could approach me that I'd respond favorably to and I have to say I'm stumped. I've always done the, "We know each other as friends and now it's obvious we'd like to take it further" approach to relationships. Cold calling is tough and any time a guy has hit on me this way I've just felt awkward.

How do you get to be friends? Doesn't somebody, at some point, have to walk up and say: "hi, my name is __ , aren't you in my History class?" <chat, chat, chat> "Really? You like __ ? Me too. Hey, I'll be __ this Saturday, would you like to come?"

Sexual or not, a connection is a connection, and people don't just spontaneously build connections without effort on somebody's part. Barring introduction by a third party mutual friend, isn't there always a "cold call" of sorts?

 

[BiBunny]

How do you get to be friends? Doesn't somebody, at some point, have to walk up and say: "hi, my name is __ , aren't you in my History class?" <chat, chat, chat> "Really? You like __ ? Me too. Hey, I'll be __ this Saturday, would you like to come?"

Sexual or not, a connection is a connection, and people don't just spontaneously build connections without effort on somebody's part. Barring introduction by a third party mutual friend, isn't there always a "cold call" of sorts?

Of course, but I think there's a huge difference in the kind of exchange you're talking about up there and the "Hey, you've got a pulse and a vagina. Let's go out!" method.

Some men can put a woman at ease, and some cannot. I think the ability to put another person at ease can be learned, but the problem is, most people try too hard and appear too earnest and, thus, creepy.

 

[Keroin]

How do you get to be friends? Doesn't somebody, at some point, have to walk up and say: "hi, my name is __ , aren't you in my History class?" <chat, chat, chat> "Really? You like __ ? Me too. Hey, I'll be __ this Saturday, would you like to come?"

Sexual or not, a connection is a connection, and people don't just spontaneously build connections without effort on somebody's part. Barring introduction by a third party mutual friend, isn't there always a "cold call" of sorts?

This is a hard question for me to answer, to be honest. I’m a very outgoing person; I meet people and form friendships easily. I’ve always been involved with a lot of social, group activities so this tends to be how I meet people. So, yes, there is the “cold call” in the sense of a first meeting:

“Hi, I’m K.”

“Hi, I’m Chuck.”

“Nice to meet you, Chuck. So have you been collecting stamps for long?”

*Conversation ensues*

This is the way I meet anybody, though. Usually, the asking-out portion doesn’t happen until further down the road when we’ve formed a friendly connection. At that point, maybe the man might ask me if I’d like to do something socially, just the two of us and, because we already have a comfort level, I’ll say yes. I’ve never dated in the traditional sense of the word and I'd never agree to go out with someone the first day I met them, even after a nice conversation.

I like “doing” things with men – sports, hobbies, etc - so that I can see how they act around others and how they behave when they’re not trying to impress me.

I’ll give you a real life example because I’m not sure if I’m being clear.

I met “L” a few times on set. He was also a stunt performer so, although we didn’t know each other all that well, we had common ground. On our third meeting, it was just the two of us working that day, so we had lots of one-on-one time. He was very funny and seemed to share a lot of my interests outside of work. At the end of the day, he asked me if I’d like to go jet skiing with him that weekend. I said yes. We did, had a terrific time, and that was the beginning of our relationship.

As an alternate example, I once had a producer ask me out when I’d only spoken to him for about five minutes in my entire life. He was very nice and I was polite but I don’t feel comfortable going out to dinner with a man I know nothing about.

 

[graceanne]

Compliments are good openings in conversation. Of course, as a het guy, you don't want to say something like 'I LOVE YOUR HAIR LIKE THAT', but something as simple as 'that was a really good answer' would do it. Then she'll say 'thank you' and you can say 'i'm [fill in blanks], what's your name?'.