Where are all the men?

[intothewoods]

My sexual mores are totally wack, I guess. I don't see any difference in marital, extramarital, or premarital sex. It's the other parts of those puzzles that define relationships, fucking's some fucking.

And it IS a gift from God, I just don't think it came with as many strings. Dude, I really got assigned the wrong genitals.
I don't think this kind of thing leads inherently to nutty promiscuity, either. I've only averaged about a partner for each year I've been active, less actually, 9 in 15 years - one was exclusive for seven years and I haven't added anyone in the last five or six. It REALLY has to be interesting and good for me to bother, I still consider myself a selective person generally.

I don't distinguish between premarital and marital either, but a one night stand is typically different from sex in a committed relationship. Not in terms of what is sinful. Just different.

I was in my room cleaning, thinking over this conversation, and I realized it's very easy for me to say these things when I'm not in the situation.

So, if I'm ever in that type of situation, I hope I follow my own advice.



Honestly, I can't answer for other people, and I rarely understand the thinking of my fellow Christians.

What I can say is the way I see it is logical. Sex is a gift for a married couple. A gift is meant to be enjoyed; it's not double sided.

My guess is that many Christians feel (whether they believe it or not) that anything that's fun is a sin. I worship a God with a sense of humor and a wonderful sense of fun. Fun, in and of itself, is not a sin.

Why others have problems with this is beyond me.



Honestly, that in and of itself isn't abusive. Over protective, yes. Abusive, no. The question is are you raising her to think that all men are abusers waiting to happen? Or are you just being extra careful?

Thanks for answering.

It's funny. The one area where I'm not reasonably open about my proclivities is with my parents.

They wouldn't get it. At all.

So I've always taken the 'they're better off not knowing' approach.

God damn, it's so awkward to even think about it.

Parents have a right not to know, if they wish. No one's asking, so I feel no need to share.

 

[Homburg]

WTF??!!! What kind of idiot does something like that? For the children, my sweet ass. Please.

The wife of one of my best friends. Like I said, it was more than two years ago. Life goes on.

Interestingly, after they got over the shock (and yelling at me), my parents were pissed at her for having done it. So she lost viv and I as friends, and lost my folks as friends as well, for quite some time. Pissed her husband off too, as well a a portion of our mutual friends.

In short, most of the people involved realised that it was a fucked up thing to do.

ETA: I tried to bury the hatchet a while back. Called her up, offered to let bygones be bygones. She never returned the voice mail. *shrug*

 

[ZRT]

*shurg* I didn't get the choice. A supposed friend outed me "for the children."

ETA: It's been almost two and half years. My parents have mostly gotten used to the idea. They don't approve of course, but at least I don't have to hide MIS from them.

That'd be about how it would go for me, too. They'd come around to tolerating it, but it'd leave that little gap of family closeness, I figure.

I love my dad but I'm an adult and there are things he just doesn't need to know. I would argue that even if I was open about it, he probably wouldn't want to know.

He came to one of my fights, back in the day, and had to leave half way through because I took a good blow to the face and he said, "I just can't stand anyone hurting my baby". (I was 21 at the time).

Nineteen years later and he still answers with, "How's my little baby?" whenever I call. Yeah, he'd be real happy to know what goes on in my bedroom. LOL.

Pretty much my take on it. My life and all. I'm certainly not embarrassed about it, but their not understanding would cause issues that I'd rather not deal with.

Like I've said before, it's even trickier for subs. They'd think I was more hinked in the head than they really knew about, but at least I'm not the one crawling around and stuff.

Your father, on the other hand... yeah. I know just how well that'd go over.

 

[Homburg]

That'd be about how it would go for me, too. They'd come around to tolerating it, but it'd leave that little gap of family closeness, I figure.

Yep. Though, being me, I'm happy with that gap.

 

[intothewoods]

I fear becoming like this because of my own history. My daughter is 8 and i've yet to let her stay over with any of her girlfriends. I'm terrified of it. I've also asked that she not sit on Master's lap, and when he punishes her not to spank her bottom. I don't go as far as to see her as a slut, and I'm actually very frank with her about sex. It's not her I don't trust, it's everyone else. Like I know Master would never ever hurt her, but it just makes me feel squemish if she sits on his lap.

As to JM's question. I guess my Mother was my role model. My mom got pregnant for me when she was 13. So from a very early age she was very open and honest with me about sex, and I knew I could come to her when I needed birth control or whatever.

I had sex for the first time when I was 11. I know how incredibly young that is, but to this day I don't regret it. For me it was kind of a symbolic way of taking back what had been taken from me. I was doing it by choice, not having the decision made for me.

In turn I'm very open and honest with my kids about sex. They aren't old enough yet for details, but I plan to be like my Mother was with me. I want them to be able to come to me when they have issues. I'm not naive enough to believe if I don't tell them about it, they won't do it. Or to expect that they will wait until they are married etc.. It would be nice, but it's not a realistic expectation for most teens. They are most likely going to do it. So I want them to know they can come to me when they are ready.

Am I a total bitch if I say something? I'd let her sit on his lap and anyone else's, otherwise isn't she getting the message that her sitting on a man's lap is bad? And it's not bad. An eight year old sitting on a lap isn't sexual to anyone but a pedophile. You're protective about who she's with and that's going to protect her from being around a pedophile. Sorry for piping up because I'm sure it's really really hard if you were molested. I struggle with not putting my shit on my kid and my shit is itty bittty in comparison.

 

[ZRT]

Yep. Though, being me, I'm happy with that gap.

Eh. I'm not particularly comfortable with a lot of lasting attachments and enforced proximity, including familial attachment. I've always been a free roamer and all.

So honestly having a bit of distance would probably suit me more, but I couldn't be content with the damage it'd do to the relationship on their side. I'm the only son and all.

 

[Homburg]

Eh. I'm not particularly comfortable with a lot of lasting attachments and enforced proximity, including familial attachment. I've always been a free roamer and all.

So honestly having a bit of distance would probably suit me more, but I couldn't be content with the damage it'd do to the relationship on their side. I'm the only son and all.

Heh, I'm the only child. I know the feeling. Still, as I said, we've all made the best of it.

 

[nh23]

Am I a total bitch if I say something? I'd let her sit on his lap and anyone else's, otherwise isn't she getting the message that her sitting on a man's lap is bad? And it's not bad. An eight year old sitting on a lap isn't sexual to anyone but a pedophile. You're protective about who she's with and that's going to protect her from being around a pedophile. Sorry for piping up because I'm sure it's really really hard if you were molested. I struggle with not putting my shit on my kid and my shit is itty bittty in comparison.

I don't think you're being a bitch at all. However I don't think that other people can comprehend how my mind works when it comes to things like that. I'm not really so much afraid of her sitting on Master's lap because I'm afraid of his intentions. Like I said I know he would never hurt her. In that situation I'm more afraid of my own reaction to it. What if it made me think of him in a negative way? I know it's irrational, it's just how my mind works.

What I put in bold, and anyone else's. Never ever gonna happen. Like you said it's not sexual to anyone but a pedophile. There's the problem. I have no idea who is a pedophile and who isn't. They all don't stick out like sore thumbs. And most children are abused by someone they know and trust. Pedophiles also know how kids think. So come here and sit on my lap, seems innocent, but can actually be used as a tactic to get children to trust them. Or for their own perverse reasons.

1 in 4 girls is sexually abused by her 18th birthday. 30-40% of victims are abused by a family member. Another 50% are abused by someone outside of the family whom they know and trust. Approximately 40% are abused by older or larger children whom they know. Therefore, only 10% are abused by strangers.

I know I'm over vigilant. I just can't stop thinking..in one moment something can happen that would change her entire life.

I'm glad you said something though. I do need to be aware of when I'm going to far. I don't want to protect her so much that I fuck her up myself. The lap thing isn't one of the biggest to me, but I could be wrong. I mean is it going to be detrimental to her development if she never sit's on a male's lap. (other than her biological father, although I'm still not comfortable with that, I allow it) I'll freely admit it could be. That's why I pose the question.

 

[intothewoods]

I don't think you're being a bitch at all. However I don't think that other people can comprehend how my mind works when it comes to things like that. I'm not really so much afraid of her sitting on Master's lap because I'm afraid of his intentions. Like I said I know he would never hurt her. In that situation I'm more afraid of my own reaction to it. What if it made me think of him in a negative way? I know it's irrational, it's just how my mind works.

What I put in bold, and anyone else's. Never ever gonna happen. Like you said it's not sexual to anyone but a pedophile. There's the problem. I have no idea who is a pedophile and who isn't. They all don't stick out like sore thumbs. And most children are abused by someone they know and trust. Pedophiles also know how kids think. So come here and sit on my lap, seems innocent, but can actually be used as a tactic to get children to trust them. Or for their own perverse reasons.

1 in 4 girls is sexually abused by her 18th birthday. 30-40% of victims are abused by a family member. Another 50% are abused by someone outside of the family whom they know and trust. Approximately 40% are abused by older or larger children whom they know. Therefore, only 10% are abused by strangers.

I know I'm over vigilant. I just can't stop thinking..in one moment something can happen that would change her entire life.

I'm glad you said something though. I do need to be aware of when I'm going to far. I don't want to protect her so much that I fuck her up myself. The lap thing isn't one of the biggest to me, but I could be wrong. I mean is it going to be detrimental to her development if she never sit's on a male's lap. (other than her biological father, although I'm still not comfortable with that, I allow it) I'll freely admit it could be. That's why I pose the question.

I'm glad I didn't offend you. You explained it well and my heart breaks for you to be that worried. I am a worrier to beat all worriers so I get it. You can't know who is a pedophile. True. But you don't want her to think she did something bad, you know? What about the whole good touch/bad touch thing? There are programs - maybe you've seen them or they're on youtube - where actors roleplay these various scenarios in an age-appropriate way to demonstrate what is a bad touch and what to do about it. If she can be empowered to speak up for herself and have boundaries, that's huge and going to go a long way. Because you can't be there every second, can you?

Oh, as to the lap - I don't know, it depends on how you present it. If your son gets to and she doesn't, she might wonder why. If no one gets to, that's better, though hasn't she wondered why she can sit on her dad's lap and not your Master's? Or is it just my kid who asks eight billion questions?

 

[nh23]

I'm glad I didn't offend you. You explained it well and my heart breaks for you to be that worried. I am a worrier to beat all worriers so I get it. You can't know who is a pedophile. True. But you don't want her to think she did something bad, you know? What about the whole good touch/bad touch thing? There are programs - maybe you've seen them or they're on youtube - where actors roleplay these various scenarios in an age-appropriate way to demonstrate what is a bad touch and what to do about it. If she can be empowered to speak up for herself and have boundaries, that's huge and going to go a long way. Because you can't be there every second, can you?

Oh, as to the lap - I don't know, it depends on how you present it. If your son gets to and she doesn't, she might wonder why. If no one gets to, that's better, though hasn't she wondered why she can sit on her dad's lap and not your Master's? Or is it just my kid who asks eight billion questions?

I've had the good touch, bad touch talk with her. I always tell her to say no and scream and tell Mommy no matter what. I explained in a very non scary way that sometimes people will tell you things to try to make you keep a secret, but they are lying. Like no one will hurt Mommy if you tell her everything. It helps me to know that I can empower her this way..but still scary world..you know?

My son isn't allowed to sit on Master's lap either. They are allowed to sit on one of his legs just not full on the lap. So in that regard they don't see any inequality.
I'm kinda glad we brought all this up though. It may become more of an issue soon. Master has been taking on the role of Father more and more lately. Their father has done a total transformation in the past year. He's only seen them a handful of times, and at present hasn't seen them in almost two months.

They started calling Master, Daddy and I corrected them. Until the they came to me together and asked me if they could please call him Daddy. He tucks them in, reads the bedtime stories. Even the occasional tea party So it may very well be a question she's going to ask me about in the near future.

 

[YourCaptor]

Conserving approaching a women and being too pushy, I have a question.

We would all prefer to meet like friends, but sometimes that’s not possible.

So, women, would you consider it overly pushy if a guy you did not know waited for you someplace, approaches you, introduce himself, and asked you for a date and number?

It’s really awkward, like an ambush or something.

 

[Netzach]

A contextless, out of nowhere, Hi, please consider dating me.

Never happened never gonna happen. Not in a million billion.

I meet people around common interest scenarios. Being on the same lawn darts team. A munch. A band we both like - something just anything almost.

 

[JMohegan]

Conserving approaching a women and being too pushy, I have a question.

We would all prefer to meet like friends, but sometimes that’s not possible.

So, women, would you consider it overly pushy if a guy you did not know waited for you someplace, approaches you, introduce himself, and asked you for a date and number?

It’s really awkward, like an ambush or something.

This seems a tad abrupt, does it not?

A successful M.O. for me goes something like: see an attractive female while out and about, walk over, say hi, strike up a conversation, ask her if she's got time for a cup of coffee around the corner, head over for said cup of coffee, engage in conversation and preliminary getting-to-know-you chatter and, if that goes well, tell her I'd really like to see her again and would be delighted if she'd give me her phone number.

 

[JMohegan]

I meet people around common interest scenarios. Being on the same lawn darts team. A munch. A band we both like - something just anything almost.

Common interest scenarios are definitely the easiest means of introduction, outside a party involving mutual friends.

 

[LilyBart]

Conserving approaching a women and being too pushy, I have a question.

We would all prefer to meet like friends, but sometimes that’s not possible.

So, women, would you consider it overly pushy if a guy you did not know waited for you someplace, approaches you, introduce himself, and asked you for a date and number?

It’s really awkward, like an ambush or something.

YC, a similar scenario happened to me this week. In a very nice restaurant. But frankly, it felt creepy. Really, really creepy. Its not *pushy* so much as screaming creepy. Sorry to repeat the adjective, but it is the most accurate descriptor.

So I think you have an instinct that already knows that it wouldn't work.

I think JM's or Netzach's approach/scenario might be more successful...

~LB

 

[Homburg]

Sans common interest, something like that says, "I like your tits/ass/face/etc, and that is why I'm asking you out."

 

[CutieMouse]

Sans common interest, something like that says, "I like your tits/ass/face/etc, and that is why I'm asking you out."

*snort*

Depending on mood, that would either be met with a laugh and conversation, or a glacial stare.

 

[graceanne]

*snort*

Depending on mood, that would either be met with a laugh and conversation, or a glacial stare.

Or a punch.

 

[Homburg]

*snort*

Depending on mood, that would either be met with a laugh and conversation, or a glacial stare.

I simply can't imagine setting anything off on that sort of footing. Just not my manner at all.

In this sense, I would guess that I am one of those that doesn't have "game", as JM put it.

 

[Netzach]

Maybe if you made up a card with a list of reasons she should not think you're the next Ted Bundy on it, it might help that approach.

 

[CutieMouse]

I simply can't imagine setting anything off on that sort of footing. Just not my manner at all.

In this sense, I would guess that I am one of those that doesn't have "game", as JM put it.

Oh don't worry - the odds of glacial stare waaaaaaaaaay outnumber the laugh and conversation. I'm having a really hard time imagining what it would take to improve them... but it was funny.

 

[graceanne]

Oh don't worry - the odds of glacial stare waaaaaaaaaay outnumber the laugh and conversation. I'm having a really hard time imagining what it would take to improve them... but it was funny.

Extreme drunkenness.

 

[YourCaptor]

YC, a similar scenario happened to me this week. In a very nice restaurant. But frankly, it felt creepy. Really, really creepy. Its not *pushy* so much as screaming creepy. Sorry to repeat the adjective, but it is the most accurate descriptor.

So I think you have an instinct that already knows that it wouldn't work.

I think JM's or Netzach's approach/scenario might be more successful...

~LB

Yea, that what I though, maybe its better that my balls ascended then… it happens…

Unfortunately I could think of no other way to meet this girl, you know, one of those cute ones that has a demeanor you think you could really get along with. She was in one of my classes, but circumstances resulted in only about a 30 second window to talk to her. Nothing natural ever took off course, we only ogled each other occasionally during class. I decided to go with the ambush method but lost my nerve when I realized how much I would have to pull out of my ass just to avoid spontaneous flames.

Le sigh, did I mention she was really cute, and white for once, my mom would have approved. Ha ha!!

Maybe if you made up a card with a list of reasons she should not think you're the next Ted Bundy on it, it might help that approach.

Ha ha!!
Here your go, my anti ted bundy card.
Now how about your number
this is not awkward at all


Maybe I should try to grade school method


Do you like me?

yes or no

Circle one <3

Oh don't worry - the odds of glacial stare waaaaaaaaaay outnumber the laugh and conversation. I'm having a really hard time imagining what it would take to improve them... but it was funny.

How about being really, really… really ridiculously good looking

 

[Netzach]

Yea, that what I though, maybe its better that my balls ascended then… it happens…

Unfortunately I could think of no other way to meet this girl, you know, one of those cute ones that has a demeanor you think you could really get along with. She was in one of my classes, but circumstances resulted in only about a 30 second window to talk to her. Nothing natural ever took off course, we only ogled each other occasionally during class. I decided to go with the ambush method but lost my nerve when I realized how much I would have to pull out of my ass just to avoid spontaneous flames.

Le sigh, did I mention she was really cute, and white for once, my mom would have approved. Ha ha!!



Ha ha!!
Here your go, my anti ted bundy card.
Now how about your number
this is not awkward at all


Maybe I should try to grade school method


Do you like me?

yes or no

Circle one <3



How about being really, really… really ridiculously good looking

OK ok, you didn't say ANYthing about her checking YOU out before.

That's a game changer.

Are you sure she was ogling back?
I'm pretty obvious if I'm ogling, personally. If you have reason to think the girl is ogling, and it's not just a figment of the world as you'd like, then that's different.

If I was mutually eyeing someone and he stuck around to catch me after class and ask me to coffee, that's less weird.

 

[YourCaptor]

OK ok, you didn't say ANYthing about her checking YOU out before.

That's a game changer.

Are you sure she was ogling back?
I'm pretty obvious if I'm ogling, personally. If you have reason to think the girl is ogling, and it's not just a figment of the world as you'd like, then that's different.

If I was mutually eyeing someone and he stuck around to catch me after class and ask me to coffee, that's less weird.

Well, it was kind of hard to tell. She has a straight-faced most of the time, even while ogling. I think I only ever saw her smile once. However the seat I usually manage to snag is slightly back from her, and I would catch her looking back at me more then once. I tried to grab here eyes, figure out what’s up, shoot her a mischievous smile, but she just looks, and then turns forward again.

At this point I’m just rambling, its late, and I’m working on finals stuff, my mind is just about gone.

I think its just that its plain hard to meet girls in class. I have heard of one way that supposedly works well, but I won’t do it, immoral. Constitutes stealing a girls phone out of her bag, getting her number, and then latter calling her to inviting her to a party.

Its funny how this culture is now so antisocial that people steal contact information when they sit right next to that person, and ti wroks!

You would think that talking to them would be more effective, but I think that usually just makes them think, "stop trying to fuck me!"