Who is polyamorous?

[John Doe]

does the romantic love have to be equal ?

That's virtually impossible.

How could it be, we're all different people with different things to bring to the table...

I love my other partners and playmates very much, but not the same way as my fiance, nor the same way as each other.

that's what I was just thinking. I measure love not in quantity, but quality and variety. Even romantic love varies from one love interest to another, whether or not you're polyamorous. For example, I know I'll never love another woman in the same way as my first love, but that doesn't mean I won't love another just as deeply or significantly.

 

[SweetErika]

does the romantic love have to be equal ?

No, as Netzach said, it can't really be equal. I think relationships are conglomerations of feelings and experiences...it's impossible to replicate them. Most people prioritize with a system of primary, secondary, tertiary, etc....for instance, I have decided that my marriage is my top priority and I'll stop any other relationship that is interfering in a negative way. Everyone has their own way of going about it though, so it's really about finding what works for you and your partner(s).

 

[sexy-girl]

That's virtually impossible.

while i agree ... isn't that very different from having a bit on the side ... that's where i get confused sometimes when someone say's their polyamorous ... do they mean they've got a bit on the side or do they mean their in a relationship where they love two people equally

 

[John Doe]

while i agree ... isn't that very different from having a bit on the side ... that's where i get confused sometimes when someone say's their polyamorous ... do they mean they've got a bit on the side or do they mean their in a relationship where they love two people equally

Again, you're asking if it means they love two people equally and it doesn't work that way. I'll assume you mean that they love two (or more) people.

It should mean that, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's misused. Really, you'd have to ask whoever you're talking to what they mean by it.

 

[april-wine]

Hmmmmm flings maybe, I am still not even sure I could handle that....It's probably more my problem than hers, but I could not even imagine her with someone else, that is without going mental....As for me with someone else, I prefer to focus all my energy on a relationship with her, without outside distraction....

 

[tlc4women]

We are very poly

We have been very polyamorous for about 4 years now. Have tried several FMF equal poly triad relationships. Not in one currently but enjoyed the experience. Roxanne has a very close female lover. It is great to see them so happy with each other. Polyamory can be wonderful if you are open to it. It does take time to overcome the jelousy and the fear of loss.

We would love to find a bi women that would be willing to move in with us. We have a large home and are business owners so alot of our time is free.

We live in Mesa AZ, and have a large heated pool, which we use for entertaining. There is a fairly large poly group in this area.

If you have any questions about the polyamorous lifestyle feel free to e-mail.

Lonny and Roxanne

 

[OneColdMonkey]

while i agree ... isn't that very different from having a bit on the side ... that's where i get confused sometimes when someone say's their polyamorous ... do they mean they've got a bit on the side or do they mean their in a relationship where they love two people equally

There are diffrent types of polyamory. I just like the ones where everyone is in a relationship with each other. However, some other polyamorous couples just have what would be considered an 'open marriage', I guess, or one other partner each, or... Really any combination you can think of. (Interestingly enough, aparently 4 person polyamorous relationships where everyone is with everyone rarely work out. One person always goes.)

Honestly, I'm not sure if I could handle the jealousy issues myself. But if you can just get it through your head that someone can love someone else WITHOUT loving you less and the possibility of you being left behind...

 

[Etoile]

I find it difficult to have that level of security with one person and can't imagine the type of work it must take to have it with two.

Bingo. I have huge issues with insecurity - probably because my self-esteem is pretty low - and I am in a poly (triad) relationship. It does indeed keep me up nights worrying about not being good enough for either of them.

FTR, our triad is two female-identified and one male-identified.

 

[Etoile]

Honestly, I'm not sure if I could handle the jealousy issues myself. But if you can just get it through your head that someone can love someone else WITHOUT loving you less and the possibility of you being left behind...

You hit the nail on the head. Jealousy and insecurity are two different things, though - your latter sentence is about insecurity. The jealousy issues (for me, anyway) are more about being selfish. I want my wife to have sex with ME and not Daddy, I want my Daddy to have sex with ME and not my wife. Whenever they're together I feel like I'm doubly jealous - that is, I'm jealous of each of them. This jealousy is so intense that we're not really able to have three-person sexual encounters. We did it recently where I was the center of attention, and that was okay, but whenever I physically see them being even affectionate I get jealous.

Did I mention I have major jealousy issues?

 

[Never]

Stuponfucious:
"Monogamy is having the same partner for the rest of your life, like some other animal species. Serial monogamy is what most people call monogamy. It's having a series of monogamous relationships throughout your life."

Not quite:

mo·nog·a·my
n.
1. The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time.
2 a. The practice or condition of being married to only one person at a time.
2 b. The practice of marrying only once in a lifetime.
3. Zoology The condition of having only one mate during a breeding season or during the breeding life of a pair.

 

[Never]

Etoile:
" Bingo. I have huge issues with insecurity - probably because my self-esteem is pretty low - and I am in a poly (triad) relationship. It does indeed keep me up nights worrying about not being good enough for either of them."

That's sweet, but painfully so.

" You hit the nail on the head. Jealousy and insecurity are two different things, though - your latter sentence is about insecurity. The jealousy issues (for me, anyway) are more about being selfish. I want my wife to have sex with ME and not Daddy, I want my Daddy to have sex with ME and not my wife. Whenever they're together I feel like I'm doubly jealous - that is, I'm jealous of each of them. This jealousy is so intense that we're not really able to have three-person sexual encounters. We did it recently where I was the center of attention, and that was okay, but whenever I physically see them being even affectionate I get jealous.

Did I mention I have major jealousy issues?"

I agree that jealousy and insecurity are different things but I believe when it comes to our partners many tend to react to their feelings insecurity with jealousy. I know I do, at least. The problem is, I'm not polyamorous. If I fall in love with X and then love Y then I have to love X less. My romantic energy is a finite (rather small) pool I draw from. So, if X loves me and Y 80/20, then I'm certain that it will soon become 70/30, then 50/50, then 30/70, and then X will realize she doesn't really love me all that much anymore.

My jealousy can be intense but not for long. I also have a finite pool of relationship energy. Once it wears thin, I tend to take preemptive strikes and stop loving the SO.

Etoile, as you mind your Daddy and wife being affectionate with one another, does it bother you if they're affectionate with a third (fourth?) party? Do you actually see this as selfishness? Given the nature of your relationship(s), I wouldn't call it such. Then again, I'm saying this from the viewpoint of a fairly monogamous individual who knows little about the situation.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Only polyamory gives me hope for the future of love.

 

[Never]

Only polyamory gives me hope for the future of love.

Romantic, sexual love is... overrated.

 

[Equinoxe]

Romantic, sexual love is... overrated.

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

 

[Never]

Why?

 

[Equinoxe]

Why?

... I'm a hopeless romantic?

 

[Never]

I'm a hopeless old-style romantic.

Fealty, brotherly love, platonic love, non-sexual adoration, comradeship, the love between a mentor/student – these are all forms of love our culture seems to neglect in favor of

 

[Equinoxe]

I'm a hopeless old-style romantic.

Fealty, brotherly love, platonic love, non-sexual adoration, comradeship, the love between a mentor/student – these are all forms of love our culture seems to neglect in favor of

I think you may have a point there, I think people do often overlook love between friends and love between family in favour of love between the bed sheets.

 

[dagdag]

Some parts of the world, they have more than one wife! Instead of having flings or mistresses, they can go ahead and take the second, third or even the fourth wife...

It is ok as long as it is a loving, caring relationship and all the people in the group are getting along with each other. But I can't see how so many people can get along in the same house. I guess they do not necessarily have to live in the same house.

If there were to be someone other than my wife that I had feelings for, and emotionally involved, and could love them both at the same time; perhaps, I could give it a chance, provided that wife OKs it. Which, I seriously doubt that she would.

 

[Equinoxe]

Some parts of the world, they have more than one wife! Instead of having flings or mistresses, they can go ahead and take the second, third or even the fourth wife...

There have also been societies which practice polyandry (multiple husbands), but they are much less common than those which practice polygamy.

 

[Never]

In the Islamic world, a man is allowed to have up to four wives. There have been rich men with more but that's not really kosher.

In such arraignments, the first wife is considered the most important, is in change of the other women of the house, and is the most 'powerful'. The last wife is typically treated no better than a glorified servant. Childbirth can change this, especially when someone other than the first wife has the first boy.

The idea that a Middle Eastern household would be a 'loving, caring' household from an American standpoint is slightly comical.

 

[Equinoxe]

In the Islamic world, a man is allowed to have up to four wives. There have been rich men with more but that's not really kosher.

This is essentially correct. I would, however, add that a man is allowed to have up to four wives provided that he cares for them (in a basically material sense) equally, according to the Quran. There is some debate amongst Islamic scholars as to whether that is possible and I believe there are Quranic passages which suggest it is not.

Originally posted by Never
In such arraignments, the first wife is considered the most important, is in change of the other women of the house, and is the most 'powerful'. The last wife is typically treated no better than a glorified servant. Childbirth can change this, especially when someone other than the first wife has the first boy.

A similar principle existed amongst the Chinese court during Imperial times. The easiest way for a wife or concubine to acquire some measure of power was to have a male child.

 

[dagdag]

In the Islamic world, a man is allowed to have up to four wives. There have been rich men with more but that's not really kosher.

In such arraignments, the first wife is considered the most important, is in change of the other women of the house, and is the most 'powerful'. The last wife is typically treated no better than a glorified servant. Childbirth can change this, especially when someone other than the first wife has the first boy.

The idea that a Middle Eastern household would be a 'loving, caring' household from an American standpoint is slightly comical.

I saw this Chinese movie where this guy having 4 wives and, he spends the night with the wife he wants... Wife whom he spends the night decides on the next days perks, and she gets foot msgs and etc. There is some kind of a competition to get the guy to their quarter everynight

Oooh, actually, we do not have to go too far to Middle East or China. There are plenty of them here as well.

 

[Never]

Like the Bible, the Qur'an sometimes seems to contradict itself. However, I think most interpretations of the ahadith and Qur'an generally come in favor of the practice. It's interesting to note that the correct mu'aasharah would be to treat each wife equally. Like Christians, Islamics tend to pay attention to the parts they like and gloss over those they don’t.

dagdag,
Would have happen to be Raise the Red Lantern? Excellent movie.

 

[Etoile]

Etoile, as you mind your Daddy and wife being affectionate with one another, does it bother you if they're affectionate with a third (fourth?) party? Do you actually see this as selfishness? Given the nature of your relationship(s), I wouldn't call it such. Then again, I'm saying this from the viewpoint of a fairly monogamous individual who knows little about the situation.

I assume you mean just hugging friends and things like that, right? No, I don't have any jealousy issues with that...only with the two of them together. I do think it's selfish that I want each of them to only want me...but hey, that's mainly why I'm working on finding a therapist who can handle poly issues.