Who is polyamorous?

[Equinoxe]

Somehow I suspect that might not exactly work out quite as suggested...

 

[Never]

I'm psychical well endowed. I know Etoile as well as if she were strapped down with lots of leather bits to the chair right beside me and I *know* this is exactly what she needs.

 

[Equinoxe]

Now I think we're talking about what you need.

 

[Never]

I'm deeply offended by that suggestion. Any sexual act I imagine would be strictly for her benefit.

 

[Equinoxe]

Okay then, that's exactly what I said and you can't prove it's not.

 

[John Doe]

Uh ... I don't know ... do you?

I don't know, that's why I asked. The situation you described just sounded very familiar is all.

Perhaps, I talked to the other of your pair.

 

[Mermaid]

Yep, you just have to watch them go at each other for hours, rubbing their sweaty bodies together, and having orgasm after mind-blowing orgasm on end and all your feelings of jealousy will vanish.

Some folks will never be able to do that.

But there are those who learn to feel joy at their partner being pleased, happy, even when it's someone else that causes the happy.

And I'm GUESSING, that maybe after feeling comfy with a group hug, maybe watching a smooch or two would be the next logical step.

Feelings of jealousy are not all bad... they are a part of our fight or flight instincts. They usually signal when something's wrong. But if deep down you KNOW nothing's wrong and the jealousy is about yourself and not about protecting your partner(s), then it shows up as a personal insecurity to work on.

And sometimes knowing that no matter how much your partners love each other, that they love you too - just helps. And sometimes not.

Either way, good luck to you, Etoile!

 

[SweetDommes]

I don't know, that's why I asked. The situation you described just sounded very familiar is all.

Perhaps, I talked to the other of your pair.

If you have talked to either of us, it is most likely me. I used to hang out on the General board a bit, but tend to avoid this board ... don't know why though.

 

[Etoile]

And I'm GUESSING, that maybe after feeling comfy with a group hug, maybe watching a smooch or two would be the next logical step.

Hmm. Well, it's certainly a thought. I think you're right - it needs to be a baby step, not a big step.

 

[Mermaid]

Etoile, are the three of you able to all lay around watching a movie, or somesuch? Something close, but not sexual?

 

[Etoile]

Etoile, are the three of you able to all lay around watching a movie, or somesuch? Something close, but not sexual?

Yes, we can, I don't have a problem with that.

 

[mitchell67]

re: paradigm shift

I'd like propose that this thread get back to the general issue of polyamory although I do think it was helpful for all of to analyze and help etoile with her jealousy issues.

(the lucky slut)

 

[John Doe]

If you have talked to either of us, it is most likely me. I used to hang out on the General board a bit, but tend to avoid this board ... don't know why though.

Okay, I believe you said your name was Karen or Kathy? Som ething with a K. Although I beleive you PMed it to me so I'm probably being an ass by saying it in public.

 

[SweetDommes]

Okay, I believe you said your name was Karen or Kathy? Som ething with a K. Although I beleive you PMed it to me so I'm probably being an ass by saying it in public.

It is Karen, and as I often sign posts with my name (when I'm not being too lazy) it's not a huge deal.

Back to the topic ... Anyone else poly?

 

[Raimondin]

What most people call monogamy is in fact serial monogamy. If we practised true monogamy, we'd all still be with the first person we ever dated.

Well, I still don't quite get polyamorous.

So maybe what you call "serial monogomy" or "true monogomy" should be called something else.

So, a relationship between two people maybe should be called "duonogomy." Hmm?

 

[Etoile]

Well, I still don't quite get polyamorous.

So maybe what you call "serial monogomy" or "true monogomy" should be called something else.

So, a relationship between two people maybe should be called "duonogomy." Hmm?

Actually no, because of the root words involved. From http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=monogamy comes this:

1612, from Fr. monogamie, from L.L. monogamia, from Gk. [monogamia], from [monogamos] "marrying only once," from [monos] "single, alone" + [gamos] "marriage." Monogamous first recorded 1770.

So it means one marriage, not one person.

 

[mitchell67]

re: philosophers and logoi

I must admit that you know you are going to get into a very long discussion when there aren't even adequate terms to describe the the phenomenon in question. Wow, can we even say that monogamy is anything more than the belief that one's spouse is only having sex with the other spouse?
Anapol makes this point somewhat more clearly when she argues in favor of polyamory by saying that it allows 'monogamous people' to be honest about what would otherwise be secret affairs.
The truth is that polyamory is used by people on one end of the spectrum who swing in various manners right over to the sexually exclusive couple who are open to the possibility. If there is one commonality in this range of applications is that all participating polyamorists are working on the basis of absolute honesty and open-ended negotiating. It's not so much about whom you are fucking but how you go about determining whom.
This aspect is where I think people who are determined to remain faithful to the concepts of romantic love have the most difficulty in relating to. Romantic love entails unspoken and unspeakable conditions in sexual relationships. The idea that one simply lives happily ever after shuts down any further discussion about how to deal with sexual interests outside the paired relationship.
and...
ok, I'll pause for a bit.

 

[Raimondin]

Actually no, because of the root words involved. From http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=monogamy comes this:

So it means one marriage, not one person.

Ah, Ok.

Now that makes sense to me.

 

[SweetDommes]

Re: re: philosophers and logoi

This aspect is where I think people who are determined to remain faithful to the concepts of romantic love have the most difficulty in relating to. Romantic love entails unspoken and unspeakable conditions in sexual relationships. The idea that one simply lives happily ever after shuts down any further discussion about how to deal with sexual interests outside the paired relationship.
and...
ok, I'll pause for a bit.

I believe in love and "happily ever afters" even though they are rare and difficult ... I happen to be living one (I hope) - and we are obviously poly, as there are 3 of us currently living together and hopefully a 4th moving in shortly. I love Holly and both of our boys, and Holly feels the same about the boys and me. I know that both of our boys also love both of us (although not each other - but they do like each other, so that's good enough for now). It is possible to truly love more than one person at a time, although difficult to keep things balanced.

 

[mitchell67]

Re: fairy tales

I believe in love and "happily ever afters" even though they are rare and difficult ...

The 'happily ever after' clause at the coda of most fairy tales always implied to me that immediately after the prince won over the princess or vice versa, the marriage went on autopilot. I think a parallel is how so many women get caught up in the wedding ceremony, thinking that if the day of the wedding is a success, the marriage will simply work itself all out. I think that a successful lifetime commitment is what you are refering to with your 'happily ever after' and I do believe that such a thing may occur in any type of relationship.

 

[SweetDommes]

Re: Re: fairy tales

I think that a successful lifetime commitment is what you are refering to with your 'happily ever after'

Yuppers - any relationship takes work if it's going to last ... and the more work put into it, the more likely it is to be a happy relationship.

 

[OneColdMonkey]

So it means one marriage, not one person.

Hrm... My book about polyamory lied to me!

 

[John Doe]

Re: Re: fairy tales

The 'happily ever after' clause at the coda of most fairy tales always implied to me that immediately after the prince won over the princess or vice versa, the marriage went on autopilot. I think a parallel is how so many women get caught up in the wedding ceremony, thinking that if the day of the wedding is a success, the marriage will simply work itself all out. I think that a successful lifetime commitment is what you are refering to with your 'happily ever after' and I do believe that such a thing may occur in any type of relationship.

Generally, women want weddings, men want marriages. Generally. There are exceptions of course and the trend may be changing that anyway.

Generally.

 

[SweetDommes]

Re: Re: Re: fairy tales

Generally, women want weddings, men want marriages. Generally. There are exceptions of course and the trend may be changing that anyway.

Generally.

*snicker* both of our boys (and their families) as well as our families have been told that there will be no weddings - there will be a quick ceremony with a JP and a party afterwards for everyone who cares to celebrate the union with us. And it all started when the older of my two brothers got married and our parents turned to my other brother and me and told us that if we just eloped, there would be significant financial gain in it for us. LOL

Personally, I think that weddings are way too overdone anymore. The important part isn't the dress, it isn't the prestigious place that you book for the reception ... the important thing is that you are making a commitment - whether it's to one person, to two people, or to 50 people (ok, so that last one is moving towards "cult" and not really polyamory, but whatever ).

All we want is the 4 of us there (the two who are getting married plus the other two as witnesses) and that's it. No huge church, no huge expensive dress that will only be worn once, no 150+ guest list, no fights over "but you're inviting X people from *wherever,*" no having to pick freakin wedding colors that won't make the bridesmaids look like they are dying... I will get married in jeanshorts afterall, like I told my mom I would when I was 5 *giggles as she imagines ghosst turning purple over that one*.

 

[Etoile]

Hrm... My book about polyamory lied to me!

Could you give the title of the book and quote what it said about the definition and etymology of monogamy? I'd be very curious to see what their claim was.

Keep in mind, too, that polyamory and polygamy are different words.