Why do you choose to be a sub?

[Kindfarmer]

I have been talking to my college friend and fuck-buddy who came to visit to cheer me up. She has some dom tendencies, whereas I lean the other way.

For me, I think part of being submissive in a sexual context is because I am the opposite IRL. I’m probably the person who wants to be in charge and to have a plan. She is the opposite, IRL she wouldn’t say boo to a goose, but gets off on controlling people sexually.

It it like this with other people?

Em

That’s the classic psychology.

 

[Woolmohair]

Some people don't like coffee, and no one knows why.

I like to enjoy all three gears, submissive, dominant, and equal. All three have benefits - emotional, physical, spiritual. Mostly, it's what's feeling good to two people (...or more.) at any given time. If you choose to identify with a specific role, position, proclivity - dom, sub, or equal, for lack of another word, then that's what works for you. Fantastic.

I tend to like submissive most, because it's dirty and nasty, and, at least in theory and perhaps form, out of my control, which is hot. It is very hard to tickle one's self. These are experiences and sensations that cannot really be achieved alone, at least not to the greatest satisfaction.

Accepting the dominance of and submission to a person goes against a certain amount of human nature, and you enter the event understanding the realities that the future likely holds.

Control does remain, at least partly, with the submissive. The dominant is driven by the subjugation of the submissive, and the more successful the dominant is in subjugating the submissive, the greater the arousal, and it is a loop. One cannot exist without the other, by definition.

Can't be havin' a Ying lest ye be havin' a Yang!

 

[Will527]

IRL I have been in management in different situations and the most difficult was supervising a group of women. Treating then with respect and yet getting the most production from them was a challenge. Consequently, I developed fantasies and a need of a woman or women controlling me sexually. I am willing and have often promised a woman sexual satisfaction on the first date and guaranteeing my release would be postponed to another time. The result is often very intense sex and orgasms.

 

[brsmith2016]

I have been talking to my college friend and fuck-buddy who came to visit to cheer me up. She has some dom tendencies, whereas I lean the other way.

For me, I think part of being submissive in a sexual context is because I am the opposite IRL. I’m probably the person who wants to be in charge and to have a plan. She is the opposite, IRL she wouldn’t say boo to a goose, but gets off on controlling people sexually.

It it like this with other people?

Em

100%. In real life I have a very stressful job making difficult decisions all day. Being submissive gives me an outlet to remove myself from that stress.

 

[Goldenfinger]

100%. In real life I have a very stressful job making difficult decisions all day. Being submissive gives me an outlet to remove myself from that stress.

sometimes Its the cumulation of thing that leads you a certain way. Mine was a path I created long ago. It was a path I encouraged and gave into. I was just luck that I have a partner that also encouraged and took it farther than I even knew about.

 

[fma20fma]

sub enjoys more. all pleasure and no work.

 

[Lady2020]

I was a naive dumbass.

 

[LittleSwitchy]

At the risk of upsetting yet another person, that is one experience. Maybe there should be a different word for someone who likes being submissive because it is a break from their general character. Alt-sub, or fake-sub maybe.

Em

Why do people want new terms for things that have come long before.
Dominant, Domina, Domme “ the online version of Domina”, Top,
Submissive, sub, bottom,
I’m sure I’ve missed a few. Not including switch.
For the most part most people fall into these categories. Least the people into bdsm.
Now someone wants to make up another term for dominant, submissive? Ooo. Let’s call them Grand Poobah and ommpah loompah.
DAMN people STOP trying to label everything under the sun. Just be yourself. Different people can/ will see you differently. Some might say you are dominant other people may say submissive. At the end of the day. You’re just you.

 

[cuck72]

All through my life, now (70) I have always thought of myself as a manly man, a cool dude and still very active. On the outside in public, I like feeling Confident and no one I know would ever think of me as a pussy boy. But I also can get upset where I can get so mad about something or someone. Then I also can get scared when confronted and in an argument. I wouldn't say I was bullied too much growing up, but I can get so pissed at like a guy I worked with. Then later I get excited imagining cowering to that guy and have fantasies about submitting on my knees. There have been a few guys over the years where I worked that I couldn't stand, but for some messed up reason I get off so much thinking of being their bitch, humiliated and laughed at as I suck their cocks, or get my ass fucked by that asshole.

 

[4yourpleasureiam]

I don't think it is a choice. Some have it in them to dominate and some are just born to submit. I am the latter and recognize myself.

 

[JessGabriel]

I submit so I can let go and not be the rock for everyone else and get high off of giving pleasure at the same time.

 

[Strixaluco]

Agree. This is why I think I'm going to put exploring this on the back burner. I ran into so mant fake Dom's or Dom's in general who rush things way too quickly on the first day of us chatting.

Munches (kinky meetings) are in my opinion better in that sense than meeting online, that you can actually ask others about the person in question.

But of course if one lives on the countryside, far away from such happenings, that doesn't help much. (FetLife works for finding those, even if you decide that it's not your thing as a social media.)

 

[MrAshsub]

I have been a pleaser all my life and having a controling lady in a FLR to make me better as a sub is a dream.

 

[watsit2ya69]

I have been talking to my college friend and fuck-buddy who came to visit to cheer me up. She has some dom tendencies, whereas I lean the other way.

For me, I think part of being submissive in a sexual context is because I am the opposite IRL. I’m probably the person who wants to be in charge and to have a plan. She is the opposite, IRL she wouldn’t say boo to a goose, but gets off on controlling people sexually.

It it like this with other people?

Em

Someone said one doesn't choose to be a sub, it chooses them.
Exactly.
I'm always happier in serving , pleasing.
Putting partners pleasure first.
I don't know why, it just is.
I'm happier on my knees in front of another than anywhere else.

 

[jakie69]

For me it’s just my nature, I enjoy giving up control and being submissive, being the one to serve or to bring pleasure to others has always come naturally and made me content.

 

[LittleSwitchy]

Agree. This is why I think I'm going to put exploring this on the back burner. I ran into so mant fake Dom's or Dom's in general who rush things way too quickly on the first day of us chatting.

If I may chime in.
Not knowing how far you’ve gotten exploring the lifestyle. There’s a couple reads I can recommend
Screw the roses give me the thorns
There a guy by the name Jay Wiseman. He gets very in depth about lotta different topics in the lifestyle.
As far as talking to people online. When you are getting to know them. You’re not owned. Don’t put up with that BS… you call me Master, Daddy. Pfft. Yeah ok.
I’m sure I’m about to tick off lotta people in about 5 seconds.
If you’re talking to someone and they have NEVER been offline with lifestyle. Then they’re just playing, mental masturbation is all. If they can’t tell you what it’s like to play with someone physically in person. They’re just jerking around.

 

[Strixaluco]

If I may chime in.
Not knowing how far you’ve gotten exploring the lifestyle. There’s a couple reads I can recommend
Screw the roses give me the thorns
There a guy by the name Jay Wiseman. He gets very in depth about lotta different topics in the lifestyle.
As far as talking to people online. When you are getting to know them. You’re not owned. Don’t put up with that BS… you call me Master, Daddy. Pfft. Yeah ok.
I’m sure I’m about to tick off lotta people in about 5 seconds.
If you’re talking to someone and they have NEVER been offline with lifestyle. Then they’re just playing, mental masturbation is all. If they can’t tell you what it’s like to play with someone physically in person. They’re just jerking around.

@Amethyst_MoonDream He has a point. Or actually many.

And especially any Dom that can be taken seriously won't tell you to call him anything right off the bat.

 

[AnalVerse]

sub enjoys more. all pleasure and no work.

Love your point of view

 

[fma20fma]

Thanks.

 

[traill]

Being a good sub is a lot of work, just like being a good Dom/me is a lot of work. Being shitty takes no work.

 

[Strixaluco]

I think the most work in both roles is about growing as a person. At least in my D/s relationship (I don't dare to assume all to be the same in this sense). The nice thing about growing is that gradually you need to do less, as it becomes part of your being.

And a lot of the growth I've done much earlier than ever delving into bdsm as much as one step. Its doesn't stop of course, especially as D/s (and DDlg) has opened doors in my mind I either didn't know existed, or just couldn't get open before.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Agree. This is why I think I'm going to put exploring this on the back burner. I ran into so mant fake Dom's or Dom's in general who rush things way too quickly on the first day of us chatting.

I’m sorry to hear that.
It’s sad when you feel unable to explore what you are curious about because of things like that.

As far as talking to people online. When you are getting to know them. You’re not owned. Don’t put up with that BS… you call me Master, Daddy. Pfft. Yeah ok.

@Amethyst_MoonDream He has a point. Or actually many.

And especially any Dom that can be taken seriously won't tell you to call him anything right off the bat.

I totally agree that when you are just talking at first, you should be on equal footing and not have to feel rushed.

I do think though, that there can be some insecurity on the opposite side or at least a need to show assertiveness that can sometimes seem to end after the ass…
You could argue that those who aspire to be dominant should be above such human foibles, but there is a distinct lack of perfect human beings out there so I think that way of thinking severely limits the dating pool.

One way to handle ”Call me Sir!” or something like that is to just calmly say that you don’t believe in titles/honorifics or that you value titles/honorifics too much to use them until you are sure about it (whatever applies) and see where they go with that.
That would be for people who seem like they could otherwise be interesting, not for anyone who turns up in your inbox uninvited.

 

[kinkyjeff]

I have been talking to my college friend and fuck-buddy who came to visit to cheer me up. She has some dom tendencies, whereas I lean the other way.

For me, I think part of being submissive in a sexual context is because I am the opposite IRL. I’m probably the person who wants to be in charge and to have a plan. She is the opposite, IRL she wouldn’t say boo to a goose, but gets off on controlling people sexually.

It it like this with other people?

Em

That matches me perfectly, I am in control like to plan things out in my daily life. But sexually I prefer to give up that control.

 

[MrAshsub]

I love to please and love to see a lady happy. As a sub she can help guide me to be better.

 

[Goldenfinger]

I married a woman who was strong and had dominant tendencies. Due to stress and an accumulation of thing I started to withdraw and she asserted herself as the dominant. The sexual aspect came later. I went along with it and found that I enjoy being her sub.