You Might be a Redneck if...

[CharlotteNCguy]

In tribute to the old Jeff Foxworthy bit I think that we need to have a thread.


Bring your best redneck jokes here. Being a Southern Boy myself I take no offense...Hell I think they are hysterical!


I'll start it off with a classic...



You might be a redneck if you think the last four word of the National Anthem are..GENTLEMEN START YOUR ENGINES!

 

[redrider4u]

Or........

Your grandmother is asked to leave a sailors bar due to her language.

 

[CharlotteNCguy]

Or......

If your house is mobile and the three cars in the front yard aren't

 

[midwestyankee]

My favorite was always the one about having to miss your fifth grade graduation because you had jury duty.

But my all-time favorite Foxworthy line was not a redneck joke. It was this: "Getting married for the free sex is like buying a 747 to get the free peanuts."

 

[CharlotteNCguy]

My favorite was always the one about having to miss your fifth grade graduation because you had jury duty.

But my all-time favorite Foxworthy line was not a redneck joke. It was this: "Getting married for the free sex is like buying a 747 to get the free peanuts."

THAT'S GREAT !


How about this one:

You might just be a redneck if the minister at the wedding asks if anyone present has anything to say about the marraige and someone in the back yells EARNHARDT!


(you gotta be from around here to appreciate that one)

 

[midwestyankee]

And then there's proof in the matching set of salad bowls: the ones that all say "Cool Whip."

 

[sueanninct]

You might be a redneck if.....

you put Alka-Seltzer in cheap wine to make champagne.

 

[sueanninct]

You might be a redneck if.....

more than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

 

[CharlotteNCguy]

Or.....

If you think that TACO BELL is a Mexican phone company !

 

[Missingmeds]

You might be a redneck if:

You know that a tornado and a divorce have something in common. Someone is going to lose a mobile home.

 

[CharlotteNCguy]

Or .......

If you think that loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk!

 

[redrider4u]

Or

directions to your house include the phrase.........."once you turn off the paved road"

 

[sueanninct]

You might be a redneck if.....

your idea of a 7-course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

 

[CharlotteNCguy]

If you think that the Stock Market has a barbed wire fence around it....You just might be a redneck!

 

[redrider4u]

or

you have your dawg and your wallet on a chain.

 

[1sexylady]

HOW TO TELL IF A REDNECK HAS BEEN WORKING ON A COMPUTER..................Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

 

[redrider4u]

Or

you go to a family reunion to meet women

(Kentucky and Tennessee specific)

 

[CharlotteNCguy]

Or....

if you have ever referred to your blood type as BA - "Beechwood Aged"

 

[CharlotteNCguy]

If your High School Fight Song was Dueling Banjos - You might be a redneck

 

[CharlotteNCguy]

If you think that a Turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup....You may be a redneck

 

[JennyOmanHill]

http://www.angeleyes2.com/platinum/images/misc/rn25.jpg

 

[1sexylady]

What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo?

On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal and the scientific name in Latin.

A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.

 

[1sexylady]

A Sex Test for Rednecks

A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False
Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False
Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False
The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False
A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False
Semen is a term for sailors. True or False
Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False
Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False
A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False
KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False
Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False
Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False
Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False
An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False
A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False
An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False
A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False
A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False
An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False
A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False
Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True or False
Pornography is the business of making records. True or False
Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False
Douche is the French word for "twelve." True or False

 

[redrider4u]

Or

you finally cut the backyard grass and find a '55 Chevy

 

[1sexylady]

Personal Hygiene for Rednecks

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.

Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.