❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[cascadiabound]

Same.

My wife has no desires or fantasies that I know about. We have had more honest conversations, which is great, but no action. In fact, physical activity has stopped completely outside of hugs and occasional kisses of intensity.

this is pretty much where I am at home too.

and yes, it is a real bummer.
I love him with all my heart and he is my best friend in all the world, but the absence of sexual intimacy sucks sucks sucks.

 

[gracie920101]

In the past, I tended to talk about it more when it was something that I was missing... either because I was single or my relationship was struggling.

Now though, I tend to talk about it alot regardless. That might have something to do with this kinky community and pervy friends I have found. Sex and kink are interesting topics! I enjoy hearing not just what makes a person tick, but why - even if we're only friends. Even if we're not friends. It's nice to have a place where I can be my unfiltered self when I choose to be and not ashamed of my sexuality.

This!

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I mean no disrespect to anyone here, but if one doesn’t get what they want in this area in their marriage, how can you satisfy it? Did ‘online only’ replace the human contact? Did you get a divorce? Open the marriage up? Cheat (either in real life or just online)? I’m curious how you rectify the dichotomy.

I keep meaning to answer this and then getting distracted.

In both cases we split. And in both cases it was my idea. It wasn't just a lack of sex that ended the marriages, it was a complete lack of emotional intimacy or even anything vaguely approaching friendship. There was just nothing. There hadn't been for many years, and neither of them had any interest in changing that. I know now that it's really unlikely that either of them could ever maintain a healthy relationship and that the reasons for that have nothing to do with me, but at the time i thought i just needed to find the magic combination that would allow them to express the love that was hidden way down deep bla bla bla. The lack of sex wasn't the cause of our split, it was just the last shred of hope that I clung to.

Technically I cheated both times. After I had beaten the dead relationship horse beyond all recognition and had finally told my spouse I was done and getting out, but before the divorce. Both husbands were strongly opposed to us divorcing, which I think is HILARIOUS given they had zero attachment to me as an individual, but it does make the story more interesting so there's that.

I didn't join up here until about six months after my second separation, and I wasn't looking for either sex or a relationship. For me, the desire for intimacy can only truly be satisfied in person. If I had had friendship, companionship, emotional intimacy in my marriages, would I have left? I don't know. In my case, physical intimacy generates emotional intimacy, which increases my desire for the physical. They're so strongly connected that it's difficult for me to imagine how one can exist without the other. If he can't bear to touch me, then how can he love me? I need both. I do think I would have been much more motivated to eat the loss and stay if our relationship were strong in other respects, if that were possible. As it was, I stayed ten years the first time and fifteen years the second, a fair chunk of time, I think.

 

[13Fantasies]

this is pretty much where I am at home too.

and yes, it is a real bummer.
I love him with all my heart and he is my best friend in all the world, but the absence of sexual intimacy sucks sucks sucks.

I know the feeling. -Sigh-

 

[AveryElle]

#57 (submitted)

Does your need or desire to discuss sex/kink/relationships outside your relationship change based on whether or not you have a partner?
Is it different when the relationship is struggling vs. when it's doing well?
Does is make a difference whether the partner is online or offline?

I’m not 100% I understand this question but I’ll attempt an answer anyway!

I don’t have a desire or need to discuss sex/kink/relationships. It can be fun and interesting, but generally I find overt advertising of such things a massive turn off in a potential partner. I like things left to be discovered and, sadly, I’ve learned that’s easier said than done. Too often, people that talk so much about that side of themselves come across as trying too hard so I gravitate elsewhere.

I’ve never really ‘negotiated’ anything except the degree of openness we agreed to. Conversations with partners tend to revolve more around what we don’t do. I won’t do X or Y, but I’m willing to try A or B. I belong to a bdsm group but rarely participate for a variety of reasons and when I do, I gravitate towards my demographic and stay away from the areas that would focus on the things I don’t like. With that comes sort of implied likes, I think, when you meet someone in that situation.

As for failing vs thriving...real long term relationships ebb and flow. My discussions stay the same. I don’t always want everything on my ‘like it’ list. And as for online only....I have never done this and would never do this so I can’t answer that.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#58 (suggested)

Is there a certain article of clothing that puts you in the correct kinky mindset? Have you ever used clothing as indicators of what you need?
Conversely, has a partner ever used nudity (theirs or yours) as a part of play beyond the sex? Does CMNF or CFNM appeal to you? Have you tried it?

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

#58 (suggested)

Is there a certain article of clothing that puts you in the correct kinky mindset? Have you ever used clothing as indicators of what you need?
Conversely, has a partner ever used nudity (theirs or yours) as a part of play beyond the sex? Does CMNF or CFNM appeal to you? Have you tried it?

1. Yes. My birthday suit.
2. Yes. See #1
I'm more likely to dress up for a picture to text him than I am for the bedroom. I find wearing clothing/shoes/jewelry during sex to be distracting, and having any part of me covered unnecessarily hinders my enjoyment.
3. No.
4. In theory, yes. In practice, no.
5. If he wanted to, I'd be down for it. Otherwise, I like both of us being naked far too much to want either of us to put on clothes unless we're cold or leaving the house.

 

[Paul_Chance]

#58 (suggested)

Is there a certain article of clothing that puts you in the correct kinky mindset? Have you ever used clothing as indicators of what you need?
Conversely, has a partner ever used nudity (theirs or yours) as a part of play beyond the sex? Does CMNF or CFNM appeal to you? Have you tried it?

An enthusiastic chorus of yes' from me across the board.

I have certain items of clothing that put me into certain moods, and in terms of what my partners where, I could give a lot of examples over the years - sometimes they were just sensuous items of clothing, sometimes they were simple things, other times they were intentional sexual symbols.

The same holds true with nudity, especially in a submissive relationship, where obedient nudity packs a lot of power outside of the immediate sexual connotations. Nudity is a great tantalizer.

Both CMNF and CFNM appeal to me as well. I tend to approach sex holistically, and I enjoy a wide variety of play that is tantalizing to the mind, as extended foreplay, long before it moves into foreplay. The whole arena here is ripe for guided exploration of sexuality down deliberate paths.

For me, it's all powerfully sensual stuff.

 

[UsuallyPresent]

Is there a certain article of clothing that puts you in the correct kinky mindset? Have you ever used clothing as indicators of what you need?
Conversely, has a partner ever used nudity (theirs or yours) as a part of play beyond the sex? Does CMNF or CFNM appeal to you? Have you tried it?

More an item - my toy bag brings an evil smirk to my face every time I run across it.

I have brought my toy bag along on dates to indicate how I'd like the day or evening to go.

I have had a partner not wear clothing - either no bra, cuffs, or no clothes a-tall - to indicate how she wanted the date to go. Definitely got my attention and willing cooperation.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#58 (suggested)

Is there a certain article of clothing that puts you in the correct kinky mindset? Have you ever used clothing as indicators of what you need?
Conversely, has a partner ever used nudity (theirs or yours) as a part of play beyond the sex? Does CMNF or CFNM appeal to you? Have you tried it?

There are a few things that just automatically put me in the state of mind. Certain panties I know he loves. I have used accessories to show him what I needed from him in a moment. Picking items of clothing is a simple way to be always present in the mind during the day.

Now, the CMNF/CFNM idea I think is incredibly sexy and I very much like the idea of him being dressed as leverage. Oral servitude and suit pants go together quite well. I can also imagine a scenario where I'm not allowed to be naked as a punishment... Ok, sorry my brain derailed a moment!

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I can also imagine a scenario where I'm not allowed to be naked as a punishment...

Brutal!

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#59

On broader kink -

Cuckolding/Hot Wifing

Is sharing your partner or knowing your partner isn't faithful something that turns you on? Is faithfulness or exclusivity negotiable in your relationship? Can jealousy add to your dynamic?
If it's not your thing (and please be respectful if it's not), can you understand the pleasure derived in cuckolding or hot wifing?

 

[AveryElle]

#59

On broader kink -

Cuckolding/Hot Wifing

Is sharing your partner or knowing your partner isn't faithful something that turns you on? Is faithfulness or exclusivity negotiable in your relationship? Can jealousy add to your dynamic?
If it's not your thing (and please be respectful if it's not), can you understand the pleasure derived in cuckolding or hot wifing?

No. Hard pass. But, my relationship has its own dynamic that plenty would see as ‘unfaithful’ by their definition of ‘open’. It used to bother me when he’d go out, but everyone is respectful of limits, rules, and privacy. He isn’t out there blabbing about what he’s doing or has done.

And no, I cannot understand the pleasure found in cuckolding. Especially as someone that has overwhelmingly been with Doms or more...aggressive men, I’m really curious about Tops being into it and that motivation. I look forward to reading!

 

[cookiecat]

#59

On broader kink -

Cuckolding/Hot Wifing

Is sharing your partner or knowing your partner isn't faithful something that turns you on? Is faithfulness or exclusivity negotiable in your relationship? Can jealousy add to your dynamic?
If it's not your thing (and please be respectful if it's not), can you understand the pleasure derived in cuckolding or hot wifing?

I'm with Avery on this one - I cannot wrap my head around the pleasure of cucking.

I was a phone sex operator the first time I heard of it - I had a caller who wanted me to be his wife, pretending I was getting fucked by someone with a huge cock while I humiliated him for his small one. After the pretend fucking, he wanted me to thank him for being such a perfect husband, allowing me to get the pleasure I needed from a big cock.

Months later, I met someone who was in to humiliation - which I sometimes enjoy in context of sex / play. But his idea of humiliating me was me being a "cuckquean" - knowing he was out with someone else, denying me his cock and cum. Or wanting me to watch him derive pleasure from someone else, again denying me.

We discussed this at length - I really liked him and was intrigued. Would my suffering for his pleasure satisfy me in some new way?

He directed me to a woman's profile on another site whose relationship was all about being cucked. She would find the women for her husband. Be in another room listening as he fucked someone else. He locked up her pussy and was denied his cock for extended lengths of time (the locking device was rather amazing).

Her writings about this kind of relationship, how it brought a new level of intimacy with her husband - it was really moving. All of it was wrapped up in some past esteem and abandonment issues and I found myself understanding how she got to this place, how it made her feel devoted, loved, connected to her husband.

In the end, however, I just couldn't do it. Perhaps it was the guy I was dating? He didn't offer me that sense of intimacy. I think, though, it was more that I'm not that great of a submissive. While I do derive pleasure from seeing my partner is satisfied, I want that because my pussy is so fucking amazing - not someone else's. I don't think it's insecurity or jealousy. More just time and energy.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

#59

On broader kink -

Cuckolding/Hot Wifing

Is sharing your partner or knowing your partner isn't faithful something that turns you on? Is faithfulness or exclusivity negotiable in your relationship? Can jealousy add to your dynamic?
If it's not your thing (and please be respectful if it's not), can you understand the pleasure derived in cuckolding or hot wifing?

In real life? No thanks. Unfaithfulness is a huge turn-off.

In fantasy? Yup.

It's all about context.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Sometimes i think something is a definite no, and then i read a post or watch some porn or have a conversation and something i hear or see or learn becomes the difference between 'hell no' and 'fuck yes!' in that particular set of circumstances

At that point, I like taking that kink and turning it over and over and over, talking about it with a trusted partner or three and running it through the 'what if?' machine before deciding when it's a yay and when it's a nay. It almost always comes down to very specific context.

I like a lot of taboo shit. In fantasy. And in complete contrast to how i want to live my life.

Call me a perv.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

cookie said:

We discussed this at length - I really liked him and was intrigued.

I love this about you. Your ability to remain open to the possibility of yes.

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

#58 (suggested)

Is there a certain article of clothing that puts you in the correct kinky mindset? Have you ever used clothing as indicators of what you need?
Conversely, has a partner ever used nudity (theirs or yours) as a part of play beyond the sex? Does CMNF or CFNM appeal to you? Have you tried it?

Yes. I have a black satin jock strap that I wear to put me in the mood. Although, it doesn't take much...

I also wear it if I have a presentation at work.

Casual nudity usually leads to shared casual nudity so "yes".

#59

On broader kink -

Cuckolding/Hot Wifing

Is sharing your partner or knowing your partner isn't faithful something that turns you on? Is faithfulness or exclusivity negotiable in your relationship? Can jealousy add to your dynamic?
If it's not your thing (and please be respectful if it's not), can you understand the pleasure derived in cuckolding or hot wifing?

I just don't see the attraction. I suppose this is just another form of humiliation. Whatever floats you boat.

Sometimes i think something is a definite no, and then i read a post or watch some porn or have a conversation and something i hear or see or learn becomes the difference between 'hell no' and 'fuck yes!' in that particular set of circumstances

At that point, I like taking that kink and turning it over and over and over, talking about it with a trusted partner or three and running it through the 'what if?' machine before deciding when it's a yay and when it's a nay. It almost always comes down to very specific context.

I like a lot of taboo shit. In fantasy. And in complete contrast to how i want to live my life.

Call me a perv.

That caught my eye. Society provies some taboos, but we often create our own. And, yep, i like to explore my taboos via fantasy (and my writing), but im not interested in living it.

 

[seela]

#59

[C] an you understand the pleasure derived in cuckolding or hot wifing?

Yes.

.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

.....

 

[Acktion]

#59

On broader kink -

Cuckolding/Hot Wifing

Is sharing your partner or knowing your partner isn't faithful something that turns you on? Is faithfulness or exclusivity negotiable in your relationship? Can jealousy add to your dynamic?
If it's not your thing (and please be respectful if it's not), can you understand the pleasure derived in cuckolding or hot wifing?

This is one of those questions that makes me wonder if I am insane, or if the rest of the world is.

Right off the bat, I will state for clarification that I am and have been Dominant with very little to no submission in my make-up. And, yes, from birth. While still in diapers, I might deign to do what the giants said. But, if I did, I would do it my fucking way.

Although, there might be some argument to be made that I was a masochist since my father was also a D-type, and had a very heavy hand which he wasn't afraid to use when I defied him.

And then I turned five and went to school. And what happened to me there because I wasn't going to do a thing I didn't at least see a reason for, much less want to... well, probably the less said, the better.

But, yes, I am Dominant and, perhaps worse, have some earmarks of "Alpha" and "Predator" in my make-up once my sexual awakening began. Some of the earmarks. Not all.

For example, I don't necessarily require that I am the only recipient of her sexuality.

Nor do I require that she have more partners than I.

I don't necessarily require that she is the only recipient of my needs.

Nor do I require that I must avail myself of more partners than her.

I do have some requirements along those lines for her safety, yes. My safety... Hell, I'm the thing that things that go bump in the night run from. However... meh. STDs don't care if nobody else wants to cross me in a dark alley. So, yeah, there I owe it to both myself and my partner to watch out for both of our health and well-being.

That being said... the word "unfaithful" kind of trips me up. I'm not completely certain that I understand just what other people mean when they use it. In my vernacular unfaithful is much more about being untruthful than it is about having more than one sexual partner.

Exclusivity, on the other hand, that I very much "grok" to borrow a phrase from Michael Valentine Smith.

And, yes. In my relationships, exclusivity has been very much negotiable for my part.

The thing is... it's not necessarily knowing that she is being sexual with someone else, either at the same time as me or otherwise. It's knowing that she is enjoying herself. That she is exploring her sexuality unashamed and unafraid. (So long as she is fucking SAFE, damn it!)

Jealousy is... another one of those null value terms for me. I don't understand exactly what is meant by it. I don't know that I know what that feels like.

In my case, I have before had a partner who was supposed to be a sexual outlet for me (and me for her) be unavailable because she was availing herself of someone else. **shrug** Shit happens, and the more people involved in anything, the more likely it is that more shit is gonna happen. To an exponent approximating n(n-1). However, when it reached the point that I was left in the lurch three times running, then I felt it was time to re-evaluate the "relationship" and determine whether there was any such thing or not. Whether the "rules" were changed without my consent. Or whether I'd never had a clear understanding of the rules, of the dynamic, in the first place.

(I should, however, here state the proviso that when "The Dynamick" was involved, just what said dynamic was labled was dependent on just how much control I was gifted over whom else she was fucking [and when]. If I am putting forth the effort of Master/Owner/Mentor/Maestro/Professor et al, then I get to say just who [and when] she can fuck [including masturbation]. If I am putting forth the effort of Daddy, then I get to know just who and when she is fucking. If I am just acting in the capacity of Top or Sir, then I only need to be bothered if there is someone else at the same time that I might "cross swords" with.)

I don't think this is jealousy. Not as I understand the term. Although I have, more than once been accused of jealousy. To me, it is just equitable, rational arrangement that I will only put forth as much effort as I am gifted with.

Non-ethical non-monogamy, I have a problem with because of the lying aspect. Period. (And don't come at me with that "compartmentalization" bullshit. If you say you aren't fucking anyone else and you are, then you lied. Period.) Doing so shows a lack of respect, or any other regard, for me and indicates that you think I'm too stupid to figure it out if you don't want me to. While I don't go looking, once I am aware that a lie was told to me, I don't believe fuck-all you tell me ever again and all trust is shattered.

Ethical non-monogamy, I only have an issue with if my own needs are consistently going unmet by someone who has declared an intent to meet them. I have never borne any ill-will towards "partners" that have done so. However, if they thought I was going to just play sit-and-spin on my thumb with dick in hand while they did whatever with whomever, they had very much misunderstood my basic personality. My mode of Dominance goes "her needs, my needs, my wants, her wants." Changing that established, agreed on order (which must be resolved prior to play time) is a lot like trying to change horses mid-white water stream. You're gonna get washed on down the stream. And probably your stallion too.

Polygamy... that is all partners involved with each other... I am open to multiple partners so long as any males understand that they don't touch me in a sexual manner nor me them. (No offense to our gay or bi male friends, but I have my own reasons based on old data that I will not go into in open forum. And see absolutely no reason why I should apologize anymore than they should.) But, again, this has caused a problem occasionally when I noted that my own needs were being shunted aside consistently. And, again, I wandered off to have my own needs met by someone I wasn't an afterthought to, nor they to me.

It's been a long, long time... but looking back across the decades at only hazily remembered classes in what was at the time referred to as "sexually deviant psychology," I seem to recall that this does not match the definition of cuckoldry. Not as I learned it. (Which, granted, the terminology seems to be changing, so it is entirely possible that I know even less than I thought I might.)

But, it was my understanding from those (all but forgotten) classes that "cuckoldry" (or "cuck-queening") involves a certain amount of... I'm not even sure that "humiliation" is the right term, so much as... "shame," maybe? A sense of not being as macho as this other man? Or as... womanly as this other woman?

(And as I say, I am open to being corrected if I am misremembering or if the terminology has changed.)

Her coming fresh from a conquest and challenging me that I am not as much of a man as the man she's just come from...

Again, I don't think it's exactly "jealousy." Not as I understand the term.

But, I'm pretty sure I mentioned somewhere way back there when I began that I do have a certain amount of Alpha Predator in my personality.

***scrolling back up to check... yup, there it was***

As soon as she offers up this challenge... This is where that comes into play for me. That Dominance Challenge. I set out to prove that I can make her cum more and harder than anyone else. And I don't even need to use my cock to do it, unless I wish to. I can use my mouth, my hands, toys... Hell, I've jacked her up with her back against a wall, her wrists pinned by my hands, with my thigh in her crotch, her feet off the ground, and ground her through four or five orgasms that way, on my thigh, before letting her down and continuing with one of the other tools listed. Perhaps even my cock, if I deign to give it to her. Time was that I would put her through seventy-two hours until she begged me to relent, but alas I'm not what I was in my youth and can only manage between forty-two to forty-seven hours these days. During which I may cum in her and on her repeatedly. Or not at all. As I see fit.

This is, of course, assuming that I have her consent. I'm not knocking safety (although many would question my sanity), but consent is the make or break for me. She tells me not to touch her? "Buh-bye, Felicia." She says I'm not good enough... we'd better have hard limits VERY clearly defined before I start. Preferably in writing. And signed. And dated.

I don't know. I've heard about "reclaimation" sex. Maybe, just maybe, this could scarcely qualify from their perspective as I drive them through pleasure into exhaustion seeking their ultimate submission in the surrender of their body, heart, mind, and soul.

But, I don't know that it qualifies as "jealousy" exactly since it requires very particular circumstances to trigger that switch. If she snuggles up to me, telling me that she had a wonderful time, but she's too blissfully exhausted tonight and will help me out tomorrow... So long as she makes good on her promise, alrighty then.

***shrug***

And damned if I know if I actually contributed anything or not with that long-winded meandering. But, I hope I at least got in the ballpark of AN answer to the questions asked.

And maybe, just maybe, will inspire someone with a little more acumen on the subject to contribute, if for no other reason than to clear up what I mucked up.

Peace in your head and hearts (as well as pleasure), lovely kinksters.

 

[UsuallyPresent]

#59
Is sharing your partner or knowing your partner isn't faithful something that turns you on? Is faithfulness or exclusivity negotiable in your relationship?

For me, exclusivity is preferred but negotiable. However if exclusivity is agreed to and my partner isn't faithful to their agreements (not to me - to their own word) then I'm almost certain to break the relationship. I can conceive of situations where that'd be acceptable to me, but they'd be pretty damn unlikely.


If they choose to break some part of the agreement, what's to keep them from breaking other parts? The trust is nigh-fatally wounded at best, if not dead and buried.


Sadly been there, and with the wisdom of hindsight it was the right thing to do, albeit painful in the moment.


Note this is willing unfaithfulness - if they were to be raped I'll be there for them with bells on.

Can jealousy add to your dynamic?

I can understand jealousy, but it isn't something that I find to be positive. Again, assuming it's been negotiated and agreed to, IMO communication should drive the relationship from that point. Discussing, "I didn't like you doing <this> to <person>" is infinitely preferable to a screaming match or a uncommunicative cold shoulder.


Of course a pattern of perceived misbehavior on either side of the relationship becomes harder to deal with in a rational way, but that's when rationality is most needed. Are these points really making a pattern? If so, what do we do about it? How much rope is needed before someone ties themselves a relationship-noose?

 

[Paul_Chance]

#59

On broader kink -

Cuckolding/Hot Wifing

Is sharing your partner or knowing your partner isn't faithful something that turns you on? Is faithfulness or exclusivity negotiable in your relationship? Can jealousy add to your dynamic?
If it's not your thing (and please be respectful if it's not), can you understand the pleasure derived in cuckolding or hot wifing?

Sharing my partner is definitely a turn on for me. Yes, it's negotiable - to me, everything in a relationship is negotiable.

As has been said, for me, faithfulness isn't about sexual monogamy - it's about interpersonal honesty. I can embrace your having multiple lovers, enjoyed either together or individually. What I can't and don't tolerate very much is lying - and it doesn't have to be about sex. The foundation of any relationship, no matter the parameters of it, is honesty. Without that foundation hearts will get broken.

Though it is not my particular kink I can understand it's appeal. Both Cuckolding and Hot Wifing are, beside the physical aspects of it, deeply psychological kinks. Embrace your kink if it brings you pleasure. In the course of my sexual life, I've played in both scenes and enjoyed them. Though I think for them to carry the psychological impact they do, you have to first start with a concept of them being taboo or illicit, which I don't have.

*I'm hedonistic in that I believe that physical pleasure, as in sex, but in other areas as well, is a "good" in and of itself. I long ago separated that messy tangle of love and lust, at least for myself.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#59

On broader kink -

Cuckolding/Hot Wifing

Is sharing your partner or knowing your partner isn't faithful something that turns you on? Is faithfulness or exclusivity negotiable in your relationship? Can jealousy add to your dynamic?
If it's not your thing (and please be respectful if it's not), can you understand the pleasure derived in cuckolding or hot wifing?

Alright fun topic!

This is one of those kinks that I have strong feelings about without it actually being my kink. I had a friend a few years ago and he was very much into this. And me being me, I asked him roughly 3 million questions about it. They way he explained his feelings made me 100% see how incredibly hot it could be for some people with a lot of love and trust.

For him, it was less about humiliation and more about watching a woman he loved in the throws of passion and completely enjoying herself. Just taking himself out of the equation and watching how her body looked while she rode someone else, how her face looked when she came, how she acted differently with a different partner in reaction to his needs. And then the ultimate pay off was the reclaiming of her afterwards. Reminding her who she was and how much he loved her.

A great deal of what turned him on was knowing she always came home. And I like that.

Playing with jealousy can be fun for me and a definite way that my bratty side exhibits. I imagine (and have been told) that can be a little exhausting. Cookie started a great thread about toxic monogamy and there are a lot of people much smarter and more well spoken than me having an important conversation there. One of the elements of that is jealousy and insecurity. And while those two things certainly can be linked. Jealousy without insecurity, perhaps more of a healthy possessiveness, is a good indicator of strong feelings. If you have a toy, and you let any kid come play with your toy and let it get dirty and throw it around and break it without a though, that toy probably doesn't mean that much to you. But if you lend out your favorite toy, you will probably tell that kid to treat your toy with respect and care or there will be consequences. (And yes, I know people aren't toys - it's an analogy.) To say you're never jealous or get your hackles up... I don't know.... it makes me think.

ETA: Exclusivity and Poly are more and more synonymous to me lately.

 

[UsuallyPresent]

-snip-
Playing with jealousy can be fun for me and a definite way that my bratty side exhibits. I imagine (and have been told) that can be a little exhausting. Cookie started a great thread about toxic monogamy and there are a lot of people much smarter and more well spoken than me having an important conversation there. One of the elements of that is jealousy and insecurity. And while those two things certainly can be linked. Jealousy without insecurity, perhaps more of a healthy possessiveness, is a good indicator of strong feelings. If you have a toy, and you let any kid come play with your toy and let it get dirty and throw it around and break it without a though, that toy probably doesn't mean that much to you. But if you lend out your favorite toy, you will probably tell that kid to treat your toy with respect and care or there will be consequences. (And yes, I know people aren't toys - it's an analogy.) To say you're never jealous or get your hackles up... I don't know.... it makes me think.

Interesting - I see this as two different things. Jealousy is, to me, an immature, "gimme gimme gimme" type greedy reaction, whereas the 'sharing your toys' bit strikes me more as nurturing and protecting your assets. When the toy's sentient, it's more than that - it's helping the toy grow and improve itself, so from a cynical point of view you're improving your assets. From a more benevolent viewpoint, you're enjoying your friend, watching your loved one soar higher, faster, better. Can be a helluva heartwarming feeling!

Personally I LIKE working myself out of jobs. It gives me a stronger base to face the challenges the next day brings. Thus, helping others around me to improve is IMO a very important task that pays many dividends over time.

This applies to the 'toy' analogy as well. If you let your toys get busted you can't have fun with them later. If your toys improve through careful use - lubricating the Rubic's Cube so it spins better, perhaps - you improve the fun you can have later too.

Just how I see it.