Are/Would You Get Involved w/ Someone in a Relationship?

[eudaemonia]

I was once involved with a married man, off and on for 6 years. No regrets, but I'll never do it again. I realized that I was betraying myself. I'd never betray a lover, so why should I betray myself?

 

[SweetErika]

I was once involved with a married man, off and on for 6 years. No regrets, but I'll never do it again. I realized that I was betraying myself. I'd never betray a lover, so why would I betray myself?

I'm curious...do you feel you were betraying yourself because it could never become more than it was? Or, was it the general deceptive nature of the relationship? Something else?

(If that's too personal, no problem. It's just an interesting thought to me, and if you're comfortable, I'd love to hear more from such a sharp, insightful lady. )

 

[eudaemonia]

I'm curious...do you feel you were betraying yourself because it could never become more than it was? Or, was it the general deceptive nature of the relationship? Something else?

A combo of all three.

Betrayal to myself because it's ultimately not the kind of relationship I want or need. And I need exclusivity to feel safe and to commit.

Betrayal to myself because I was seeing someone who, although I loved him very much, was someone I seriously doubted I could ever trust.

Betrayal of myself, too, for other things. Namely that this was a man who didn't share enough of my values. If we had ever gotten together I would have had to accept many disparities between us about ethical behavior, the nature of reality, God, etc. I would be compartmentalizing huge parts of myself, and he would have likely had to do the same. Seems to me this would have led to isolation and evetually breakdown of trust and communication.

Relationships take time and work. I'm not willing to invest my emotions, body, love and time into something with a shaky foundation.

 

[SweetErika]

A combo of all three.

Betrayal to myself because it's ultimately not the kind of relationship I want or need. And I need exclusivity to feel safe and to commit.

Betrayal to myself because I was seeing someone who, although I loved him very much, was someone I seriously doubted I could ever trust.

Betrayal of myself, too, for other things. Namely that this was a man who didn't share enough of my values. If we had ever gotten together I would have had to accept many disparities between us about ethical behavior, the nature of reality, God, etc. I would be compartmentalizing huge parts of myself, and he would have likely had to do the same. Seems to me this would have led to isolation and evetually breakdown of trust and communication.

Relationships take time and work. I'm not willing to invest my emotions, body, love and time into something with a shaky foundation.

Thanks for the honesty! I've considered some aspects, but not others like compartmentalization and isolation. Very interesting.

 

[Guest]

 

[KarenDee]

I will echo Scalywag. NO. Period. The other woman ruined my marriage (well, my ex was to blame too) and I'll not go down that road. There are sordid details on another thread that I'll not bring up regarding my feelings about dating married men. I guess you can research them if you're so inclined.

 

[Amonara]

I think that sometimes in situations like this (getting involved with someone who is in a relationship) its easy to say that you would say "no." Now I realize, that I am just one of those people who has a terribly difficult time saying no to anything, still I'd like to think I have my limits.

Before I got into the situation I am currently in, I would have without a doubt replied to this thread with a big "NO." Having found myself presented with the situation of getting into a purely physical relationshop with a friend, who is in a relationship, I admit I caved in to sexual chemistry. Other than casually having sex every once in a while, we are good friends and we both know that it won't become anything more. If in anyway, either one of us developed romantic feelings for the other, then I would break it off. I have no intention of "stealing" him away from his S/O. Its merely about mutal pleasure.


I will mention that it probably helps that he is in a somewhat long distance relationship. If he and his s/o were in the same location I'm pretty sure that our relationship would remain a purely platonic friendship.

 

[SweetErika]

I will echo Scalywag. NO. Period. The other woman ruined my marriage (well, my ex was to blame too) and I'll not go down that road. There are sordid details on another thread that I'll not bring up regarding my feelings about dating married men. I guess you can research them if you're so inclined.

I respect your view, and did look to see if I could understand it more, but perhaps I missed it. Don't get me wrong...I would not be pleased with the other woman, but my husband would be 100% to blame for cheating...after all, he's the one in the relationship with me, and is the person who agreed to not cheat. Whether the woman knew he was married or not, it'd still be all my husband's fault for making the choice to cheat rather than be honest with me. I have no such agreement with all of the other women in this world, and while I'd hope they'd consider my feelings, I can't fault them for his decision. I would condemn the woman for things like contacting me to rub it in my face, threatening, harrassment, etc.

I'm certainly not suggesting you're doing this, but I'd imagine it's often easier and feels more satisfying to be angry with and blame the person your spouse has cheated with than really face the fact that someone you love, have built a life with, and trusted so much would lie and hurt you severely. I can envision searching for a reason, wanting it to be anything but my husband's free will and willingness to risk my heart, health, and life. Just a thought.

 

[Eilan]

Don't get me wrong...I would not be pleased with the other woman, but my husband would be 100% to blame for cheating...after all, he's the one in the relationship with me, and is the person who agreed to not cheat.

It's interesting, though, that in a lot of relationships in which there's an "other woman," she tends to shoulder a lot more blame than she should. I've known quite a few people who place ALL of the blame on the other woman. My mom, for example, is still very bitter about the woman that my dad left her for (and this woman has been dead for 6-7 years).

I'm curious as to why some women (men, too, perhaps?) think that way. I suppose that it's easier to channel all one's anger toward a person when one hasn't invested time, effort, emotion, etc. in cultivation a relationship with that person.

Might this also be due to remnants of double standards?

 

[eudaemonia]

Might this also be due to remnants of double standards?

Absofreakinglutely. My hypothesis is that women who've yet to come into their own power -- or have outright chosen not to tak it -- will blame anyone but themselves for the faults in their relationships. It's a real petty, miserly kind of mindset.

 

[Eilan]

Absofreakinglutely. My hypothesis is that women who've yet to come into their own power -- or have outright chosen not to tak it -- will blame anyone but themselves for the faults in their relationships. It's a real petty, miserly kind of mindset.

That's an interesting approach, one that I'd never really considered, but it certainly makes sense.

There's also the notion that men can fuck around even when in a supposedly committed relationship and be considered "studs," while a woman, attached or not, who engages in similar behavior is considered a slut.

I'd like to think that a lot of us are slowly moving away from that way of thinking, but sometimes I wonder.

 

[australwind]

That's an interesting approach, one that I'd never really considered, but it certainly makes sense.

There's also the notion that men can fuck around even when in a supposedly committed relationship and be considered "studs," while a woman, attached or not, who engages in similar behavior is considered a slut.

I'd like to think that a lot of us are slowly moving away from that way of thinking, but sometimes I wonder.

The application of double standards to this type of situation is scaringly prevelant no matter how enlightened we think we are becoming.

What amazes/amuses me is that some women cling to the idea of a sisterhood that would never betray another by taking a sister's man! EXCUSE ME! Why is it the woman who has done the taking? That is definitely not always the case!

I have had several "encounters" with men in relationships, I have been in a relationship (albeit a failing one) when I was picked up by another man.....These are not relationships that have ever lead to anything permanent nor would they be likely to. They are more about filling a specific need that is lacking in the primary relationship of either partner.

It would appear I am am venturing into the realm of polyamory here....not an area that many people are comfortable with but probably best describes my attitude and my stance on these matters.

I guess my answer to this poll could be considered a resounding yes......in saying that, I do not set out to deliberately become involved with people who are in relationships. I take people as I find them....attached or otherwise!

 

[Rattlesnake1775]

Yes or no?

I guess, if being totally honest, I would say yes.

Now, I have to qualify that. I would never cheat on my wife. I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship, at least not conciously (I do some stupid things without thinking), but I can step outside this, and her former career choices once made me think about life if she moves on to bigger and better things.

And in that world, I would go after a woman, if I thought she was in a failing relationship. Once upon a lifetime I got involved with a lady over a decade older then me. She was married at the time, and if I'm totally honest, I was responsible for the end of the marriage. I sometimes ask myself if I caused serious damage to her because of that, and because of how she lives now. But I would never go back and change it. She was hungry at the time, and hungry women are always sexy...

 

[TBKahuna123]

Interesting thread. I'll start by saying no, but chemistry can be a powerful thing. That's not an excuse, just an admission of humanity.

Now as for the "other woman" thing. It sounds to me like Erika and Eilan and others seem to think that the person with whom the spouse cheats should not be a target for blame. I single out these two ladies because I rarely disagree with them, but this is one time I do. I think this takes the responsibility off the other person for getting into a relationship with someone who is already committed to another person. This is a very prevelant attitude in our society and one I have a serious problem with.

I truly believe that attitudes such as this are one of the reasons that common courtesy and social responsibility are fading away from our culture. This leads to a generation of people who respect nothing and care only about themselves. This is what is destroying our society and something we have to fight against.

Phew, I sound like a Republican. Ack! That might be a bit melodramatic, but what I'm saying is that I think we all do have some social resposibility to respect each other, even if we've never met. This means don't fuck aorund with someone else's spouse behind their back, amongst other things.

The biggest problem is that we're talking emotions here, and nothing is blakc and white when it comes to the heart.

 

[australwind]

Now as for the "other woman" thing. It sounds to me like Erika and Eilan and others seem to think that the person with whom the spouse cheats should not be a target for blame. I single out these two ladies because I rarely disagree with them, but this is one time I do. I think this takes the responsibility off the other person for getting into a relationship with someone who is already committed to another person. This is a very prevelant attitude in our society and one I have a serious problem with.

I guess I am one of the "others" referred to here...so I will respond to this. "Blame", and the apportioning thereof, can be one of the most destructive approaches to take in a discussion of this nature. I could point out that the so called "injured party" may be equally responsible for the straying behavior of his/her spouse. Your argument hinges on the premise of the sanctity of marriage. If you are dealing with people who have forgone the traditionalist view of marriage, then your argument doen't hold water.

I truly believe that attitudes such as this are one of the reasons that common courtesy and social responsibility are fading away from our culture. This leads to a generation of people who respect nothing and care only about themselves. This is what is destroying our society and something we have to fight against.

I respect people who deserve my respect.....I don't think I am lacking in courtesy or responsibility...I'm always very nice to the people I fuck and even to those I don't!

The biggest problem is that we're talking emotions here, and nothing is black and white when it comes to the heart.

Getting involved in a physical relationship with an attached person does not imply anything to do with being in love........it implies that you found each other damned sexy and went for it!

 

[Eilan]

Now as for the "other woman" thing. It sounds to me like Erika and Eilan and others seem to think that the person with whom the spouse cheats should not be a target for blame. I single out these two ladies because I rarely disagree with them, but this is one time I do. I think this takes the responsibility off the other person for getting into a relationship with someone who is already committed to another person. This is a very prevelant attitude in our society and one I have a serious problem with.

I can't speak for Erika, but, in my case, you'd be partially correct. I think I posted about this earlier in the thread, but my husband's ex went after married men because she liked the challenge, and she decided that if she wanted something or someone, then she should have what she wanted, no matter what the cost. I have a huge problem with that attitude, but I'm also aware that the decision to fuck wasn't solely hers.

My ex left me for someone who was actively pursuing him even though she knew he was married. Had my ex and I been at a different point in our relationship (as in fewer financial problems, no postpartum depression, etc.), he would have rebuffed this woman's advances, no matter how flattered he was or how appealing the prospect might be.

Do I think the young woman who contributed to the breakdown of my first marriage is a worthless piece of shit for pursuing a married man full well knowing that he has a two-year-old and a newborn infant at home? Hell, yeah. However, she didn't act alone: my ex and I had done a pretty good job of fucking up our relationship before she entered the picture.

 

[SweetErika]

Now as for the "other woman" thing. It sounds to me like Erika and Eilan and others seem to think that the person with whom the spouse cheats should not be a target for blame. I single out these two ladies because I rarely disagree with them, but this is one time I do. I think this takes the responsibility off the other person for getting into a relationship with someone who is already committed to another person. This is a very prevelant attitude in our society and one I have a serious problem with.

No, I don't believe the "other woman/man" should be THE target for blame, and as Eilan's anecdotes show, there are varying degrees of involvement and responsibility. Being involved with a spouse who has a "don't ask, don't tell" kind of thing with their partner, and is aiming to fulfill some fundamental needs so they can preserve the marriage and family is one thing (of course I'm assuming the couple has a healthy friendship or something, have both decided to stay together with good reason, and the other person actively supports the spouse in their goals). In that kind of situation, I think the other person isn't to blame because s/he's supporting what the couple wants, even when one of them isn't aware of the relationship. Is it still cheating? In my opinion, it absolutely is, and the other person clearly has a role in it. If the unknowing spouse were to find out and be hurt, the other person definitely deserves some of the blame.

However, the above is very different from a situation in which the other person is actively pursuing a spouse for the challenge, to break up the marriage/get them to leave, and/or acting with malice in an effort to destroy or hurt the other spouse. In these cases, the other person has a far more active role, and deserves more blame.

Maybe there are two types of blame. The blame for cheating, and that for hurting the unknowing spouse. I think perhaps the blame for cheating always goes to the cheater, and generally assume if the cheater wants to go outside the relationship, s/he will find someone to do it with. Blame for hurting the spouse certainly falls on the cheaters' shoulders, but part of it can also be given to the other person, and that portion varies based on his/her actions and role. Just a thought.

 

[Flora]

It's interesting, though, that in a lot of relationships in which there's an "other woman," she tends to shoulder a lot more blame than she should. I've known quite a few people who place ALL of the blame on the other woman. My mom, for example, is still very bitter about the woman that my dad left her for (and this woman has been dead for 6-7 years).

I'm curious as to why some women (men, too, perhaps?) think that way. I suppose that it's easier to channel all one's anger toward a person when one hasn't invested time, effort, emotion, etc. in cultivation a relationship with that person.

Might this also be due to remnants of double standards?

In my case the 'other woman' (with my ex)shouldered a lot ot the blame because she was a best friend and close family member. Someone I grew up with. I felt that sting of her betrayal of my friendship as well as my ex's betrayal. Had she been some random woman, I wouldn't have cared about her. I would have focused all my blame on HIM.

 

[SweetErika]

In my case the 'other woman' (with my ex)shouldered a lot ot the blame because she was a best friend and close family member. Someone I grew up with. I felt that sting of her betrayal of my friendship as well as my ex's betrayal. Had she been some random woman, I wouldn't have cared about her. I would have focused all my blame on HIM.

That's a great point, Flora, and I'd feel exactly the same. It'd be much worse for a love to cheat with someone who supposedly loved and respected me; it's really a double-whammy.

 

[jmmitch80]

I absolutely would not get involved with someone in another relationship. People should have more respect for things like that.

 

[ZGuy32]

I choose other

I'd have to say never not just no because no can change.

 

[SweetErika]

I'd have to say never not just no because no can change.

I'm interested in this comment; could you expound on it, please?

 

[Clairebutterfly]

it depends; to an extent I would, it's safer...but I don't think I would make it a full-blown-real-sex affair.

 

[ZGuy32]

for me no has not been a final answer because it can change with events. From oh your not in a relationship ok we can date even though they are. It means for me to say never is if you betray my trust in you saying I'm not in a relationship is for me to drop you and never look back because someone like that is not worth my time.

 

[Eilan]

for me no has not been a final answer because it can change with events. From oh your not in a relationship ok we can date even though they are. It means for me to say never is if you betray my trust in you saying I'm not in a relationship is for me to drop you and never look back because someone like that is not worth my time.

Come again?