Are/Would You Get Involved w/ Someone in a Relationship?

[babydoll2u]

No, I wouldn't have any relationship with a woman that she kept secret from someone she was committed to. To me, it's all about the commitment. If someone is committed to someone else, that's it. If she's interested in me, then she's got to get out of the other relationship first. Otherwise, it's wrong and it's a mess.

I agree with you... thing is if he/she is willing to cheat... are they really in a committed relationship? doesn't seem so..
My other thought is... if he/she is willing to cheat on their s/o, then they'd be just as apt/willing to cheat on me.

I've been the wife cheated on, and I've been the "other woman". Both hurt deeply. So, I voted no, because I'd never go there again. I know for certain that I won't because I can't "just have sex". My feelings and emotions become involved when I have sex with someone... it's just not a casual thing to me and never could be.

 

[silverwhisper]

eilan: perhaps your sig should also read "and now, with extra snarkiness!" :>

ed

 

[Eilan]

I need to exercise some self-control.

 

[Eilan]

Not on topic

Cause in my moral system, sex isn't cheating. Now my wife wouldn't agree, but we're talking like we have permission.

I know this isn't quite on topic, but I had to ask. What, if anything, DOES constitute cheating for you? Would it be cheating if your wife did it, but only sex if you did it? Is it only cheating if you fall in love with the other person? I'm not trying to be rude; I'm just nosy.

The reason I'm asking is because, if you were fucking someone else, and your wife considered it cheating, I should think that what you thought would be irrelevant. I'm just curious as to how the two of you reconcile your different "moral systems."

Of course, in an open relationship, all these questions are irrelevant.

 

[mrtnmoon]

since I'm involved in such a situation, I had to vote yes. am I proud of it? no, not really, but I cared very deeply for this girl before she got involved and I haven't been able to get her out of my mind. apparently I have something she's not willing to give up, either... at least not yet.

 

[SweetErika]

This might seem a little cold blooded, but it doesn't bother me at all whether someone is in a relationship with someone else. In fact, I think it's a little hotter that way. The only thing that bothers me is whether or not I'm going to get in trouble if she tells them.

Why doesn't it bother me? Cause in my moral system, sex isn't cheating. Now my wife wouldn't agree, but we're talking like we have permission. Also, I feel it's her responsibility to make peace with herself for what she's doing, and whether or not she's in a relationship is not my concern, and if anything, makes her more attractive to me.

Melesse

Interesting views, and I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on Eilan's questions as well.

Also (and anyone who doesn't have a problem with involvement with a cheater is welcome to answer as well), would it bother you if her spouse found out and was really hurt and angry? Or if you cared about her and all communication was stopped abrupty and permanently because her spouse found out?

since I'm involved in such a situation, I had to vote yes. am I proud of it? no, not really, but I cared very deeply for this girl before she got involved and I haven't been able to get her out of my mind. apparently I have something she's not willing to give up, either... at least not yet.

Were you involved before she started seeing this other guy? If so, did that make you feel cheated on or deceived in any way?

 

[Doctor Joe]

I'm seeing very good points on both sides! Is it the mental and moral attitude that's most important? I think so. Whether one is just flirting and feeling the excitement of someone else noticing you in a chat room.....or going on to cyber...or on to phone...or onto an actual physical meeting...is there a place where the line is crossed? I feel more like Sweet Erika: Not likely to cheat in person most of the time (although I do enjoy cyber and phone sessions which normaly result in climax), but there might be situations where I would!

Doctor Joe

 

[rhev]

For me the interesting part of the question is....

would you be involved with someone without their SO's knowledge/consent?

Without their SOs consent, nope, no way. But if the SO is into it. Well, then its a totally different matter. (BTW, I voted no)

 

[SweetErika]

For me the interesting part of the question is....
without their SO's knowledge/consent?


Without their SOs consent, nope, no way. But if the SO is into it. Well, then its a totally different matter. (BTW, I voted no)

Yes, that was what I found interesting and kind of the point of the thread. Thanks for the response.

 

[mrtnmoon]

Were you involved before she started seeing this other guy? If so, did that make you feel cheated on or deceived in any way?

kind of a weird situation. she moved in from out of town and started working the same place I do. she was single when we started talking and the other guy in question was her last b/f. she went to visit her grandparents and visited him, too and soon after she told me they were getting back together.

did I feel deceived? in a way, I guess.... I didn't feel like we had a fair chance to see what might develop between us. mainly I felt that she just didn't realize that she wasn't really over him when she started talking to me. I sure didn't expect to fall so hard for her so fast.

I think a lot of my not being able to get over her, tho, was from feelings of regret over things that we never got to do together..... which is one of the reasons why I decided to get together with her when the opportunity presented itself. I know that one day she'll decide it finally has to be over, but I'll have been able to do most of those things with her that I've always wondered about. hopefully, it will then be easier to let her go.

 

[HollyHawkk]

Sorry I have not read all the posts, but I think cheating is away to distract from a problem that the original couple is having. I would prefer that the man in my life just ended it before he hopped into bed with someone else, for what ever reason. It is the kindest thing to do. Finding out the love of your life is cheating on you hurts on so many levels. It make you think that there is something really wrong with you! that you are less of a person because they did this behind your back.

If the new person has honest feelings for you they will still be there after you end it with your s/o. If not they are just thrill seekers! After they gain what they want what use are you?

 

[SweetErika]

Sorry I have not read all the posts, but I think cheating is away to distract from a problem that the original couple is having. I would prefer that the man in my life just ended it before he hopped into bed with someone else, for what ever reason. It is the kindest thing to do. Finding out the love of your life is cheating on you hurts on so many levels. It make you think that there is something really wrong with you! that you are less of a person because they did this behind your back.

If the new person has honest feelings for you they will still be there after you end it with your s/o. If not they are just thrill seekers! After they gain what they want what use are you?

Great points, Holly. I agree cheating is often a distration and indicative of other problems. However, apart from the deception, I can't help but wonder if it does fill in whatever might be missing sometimes, and allow for a better relationship. In other words, I think it's the lying that's the problem, not going outside the relationship. But I'd definitely want the opportunity to get out if my partner was considering it, and agree integrity generally runs all the way through a person's life.

 

[mrmgp]

A few threads and recent discussions have got me thinking about this...Are you or would you get involved emotionally and/or sexually with someone who is currently in a relationship without their significant other's knowledge/consent?

As a general rule, I consider any woman in a happy, committed relationship to be off limits. Now, if she's unhappy, and her boyfriend or husband is a total dick and/or is mistreating her, then I would consider her to be fair game, and her asswipe boyfriend or husband deserves to be cuckolded.

 

[Eilan]

As a general rule, I consider any woman in a happy, committed relationship to be off limits. Now, if she's unhappy, and her boyfriend or husband is a total dick and/or is mistreating her, then I would consider her to be fair game, and her asswipe boyfriend or husband deserves to be cuckolded.

What if she's unhappy and her SO isn't an asshole who mistreats her? This was the situation between my husband and his ex. I certainly can't imagine my husband mistreating anyone.

I know, I know--you said, "As a general rule."

 

[mrmgp]

What if she's unhappy and her SO isn't an asshole who mistreats her? This was the situation between my husband and his ex. I certainly can't imagine my husband mistreating anyone.

Then I'm not going to help a woman cheat on a man who isn't an asshole and is good to her.

I know, I know--you said, "As a general rule."

Usually only broken when too much alcohol is involved or I've been lied to by a married/committed woman who really isn't in a bad relationship.

 

[Eilan]

Then I'm not going to help a woman cheat on a man who isn't an asshole and is good to her.

What was interesting in my husband's situation is that all the parties involved knew each other, so the guys his ex cheated with knew damn well that she wasn't being treated badly. And one of them was supposed to be my husband's friend.

 

[Cathleen]

(I've avoided this thread like the plague.)

I have in the past been in relationships I had no business being in. I don't like to admit it but it's the truth. I even wish I could say I learned from it but I'm not sure I have.

I've spent considerable time and energy to learn about my behavior, it has been a very interesting examination. I have learned quite a bit and understand, which to me is most important. Understanding is a key to stop behaviors that are harmful to my well-being.

One thing that has become more and more apparent to me is that I never thought I'd do many things in my life that are a part of my history. Never say never is so damn true. A positive of it all is compassion though - and humility. Life is interesting beyond belief.

 

[SweetErika]

(I've avoided this thread like the plague.)

I have in the past been in relationships I had no business being in. I don't like to admit it but it's the truth. I even wish I could say I learned from it but I'm not sure I have.

I've spent considerable time and energy to learn about my behavior, it has been a very interesting examination. I have learned quite a bit and understand, which to me is most important. Understanding is a key to stop behaviors that are harmful to my well-being.

One thing that has become more and more apparent to me is that I never thought I'd do many things in my life that are a part of my history. Never say never is so damn true. A positive of it all is compassion though - and humility. Life is interesting beyond belief.

Hi Cate! I'm really glad you decided to respond. Your thoughts always add something, but in this case, I wouldn't have thought of it in terms of "never say never" or that something we generally think of as negative/a mistake can affect us positively. Interesting angle...thanks!

 

[SweetErika]

What was interesting in my husband's situation is that all the parties involved knew each other, so the guys his ex cheated with knew damn well that she wasn't being treated badly. And one of them was supposed to be my husband's friend.

How did that work out, Eilan? Did their friendship disintegrate completely when the friend found out your ex was cheating with his wife?

I wonder if men and women generally react differently to the other man/woman if they have the chance to communicate. Anyone have thoughts or stories on that?

 

[wicked woman]

(I've avoided this thread like the plague.)

I have in the past been in relationships I had no business being in. I don't like to admit it but it's the truth. I even wish I could say I learned from it but I'm not sure I have.

I've spent considerable time and energy to learn about my behavior, it has been a very interesting examination. I have learned quite a bit and understand, which to me is most important. Understanding is a key to stop behaviors that are harmful to my well-being.

One thing that has become more and more apparent to me is that I never thought I'd do many things in my life that are a part of my history. Never say never is so damn true. A positive of it all is compassion though - and humility. Life is interesting beyond belief.

Have to agree with your 'never say never' comment, Cate. I've always been faithful in my relationships. Used to pride myself on never getting involved with a person that is already committed...and trust me it wasn't always easy.

Can't do that any more. Started with a man who was in an open relationship...therefore not cheating. I guess my theory is that I'm responsible for my actions. I'm not the one in the relationship...I'm not cheating on any one. If the other person is in a committed relationship and their lover isn't aware of our relationship, the other person is an adult so responsible for their actions. It's their decision. I've respected their decision when it's been to honour their relationship and keep ours platonic and I've respected their decision when they decided our relationship would not be platonic. They made the commitment...it's their choice to honour it or not. As long as I'm honestly told the fact (that they're in a committed relationship), then I'll make my decision for myself. The world is not always a black and white place.

So I voted 'yes'..have and will.

 

[kyla2202]

I think it all depends on the individual situation, but from my own experience it all caused too much trouble.
I'm married and had a brief affair with a guy I met on text dating. He was also in a relationship and the reason I got to that point was that my husband was no longer interested in sex.I did inform this guy that I would not leave my husband and he did not want to leave his girlfriend.

It all went on great for a few weeks and then he text me to say he had fallen in love with me and was going to leave his girlfriend to be with me.She knew nothing about his infidelity at that point.
I backed off, it was never my intention to break people's relationships up so I had to finish it.
As far as I know this guy is probably still having affairs but for me,that was the first and last.I think even though we agreed on the 'no strings' rule feelings had to come into it somewhere.He probably didn't love his girlfriend and I still love my husband.

I was very lucky that i did not get found out because so much was at risk.

 

[Cathleen]

That never say never thing and rationalizing behaviors go hand in hand.

While I *hope* I will never be involved in a relationship that causes me or others harm, there is no guarantee. I am a living breathing human - I make rationalizations. We all do, can't really avoid them.

I hope I will take the hurt and pain I felt during some of those times and put them to good healthy use. I want to say right here, right now, that I will NEVER do it again..... but I can't. What I can say is that, now, while pain is fresh, it's easy to think I'll never do it again and I see all the rationalizations made and think 'how could I be so stupid?' But you know - life has a way of drawing us into things we never thought possible (or that we'd never considered doing).

I just know today I will do my best to not repeat mistakes or continue behaviors that have brought pain, to others and myself. Today I will do my best.

 

[Eilan]

How did that work out, Eilan? Did their friendship disintegrate completely when the friend found out your ex was cheating with his wife?

Actually, it was my hubby's ex and a good friend of theirs. All of these people work for the same organization (though not in the same location), which can make things awkward. My husband doesn't speak to the guy at all anymore.

Here's what I found to be amusing: Even after all this happened with my husband, his ex, and their friend, my hubby went to his former friend's retirement party (because he could, I guess--the food perhaps?). The former friend's wife was furious because he'd shown up. I'm not sure why.

 

[Ricwilly]

No, I would have to be a particularly selfcentered pig to get involved with this kind of underhanded deceitful relationship.
I have done it and it's one of the things in my life I would not do again.

 

[rip_1_4_u]

A few threads and recent discussions have got me thinking about this...Are you or would you get involved emotionally and/or sexually with someone who is currently in a relationship without their significant other's knowledge/consent?

Edit: Do you say no at a certain point (e.g. talking to someone online, cybersex/phonesex/some erotic exchange, friendship, certain sexual acts, actual sex, etc.)? Or is any type of involvement without their spouse's consent either acceptable or unacceptable?

For this question, let's assume you are either single or have your S.O.'s consent.

I had to answer it depends..I was married and my husband said he didn't love me, so I left him and had an affair with a co-worker. Sure enough, I went back to my husband, and lived with a lot of guilt. I swore I wouldn't do that again, cause I hated how it made me feel.

I told my girlfriend that I was with a long time, that please leave if you wanted to cheat, since I would feel disrespected and told her I'd do the same. I never did cheat sexually, but at one time I realized I was getting emotionally involved with someone, and totally backed off. I became more aware of the different levels of cheating after that...

I just started this whole cyber world chatting stuff and thought it was all a game, since I was just looking for people to talk with, not a relationship. I've been really clear about what I want, just talk, no sex, no relationship. But this chatting stuff seems more dangerous than meeting someone live!

I've had people get really emotionally involved really quickly, and I've had to tell people that I didn't feel that way and end the chatting right away. I can see how many people get hurt online...if you chat with someone who is out for whatever they can get, or just as likely, lying to themselves about what they want or are willing to give, it's a mess.

But, a couple of the first few people I chatted with were both married, and I"ve had to stop chatting with them, since I realized from chatting with other people, that this is not a game at all, and can really hurt their partners (one was being honest with his partner, the other was hiding what he was doing). Even if it's just "talk", I don't want to mess with people's relationships.

I don't think that highly of marriage, but I'm not interested in getting sexually or romantically involved with anyone married or attached to someone. Even If I just want to be buddies or friends with folks, I want to be able to get to know their partners without any weird shit going on.

And like others have said, if someone is attached emotionally to someone, why would I want to get involved with either one of them? I'm not interested in messy dramas, no matter how "wonderful" someone is. If I'm going to actually get serious about someone, I don't want to just give a bit of myself, or just get a bit of someone else...