Are/Would You Get Involved w/ Someone in a Relationship?

[Munachi]

i wish i could say no, but unfortunately i do not always live up to the morals i would like to live up... so far i once have been involved with someone in a relationship, though in that case he also lied to me, and while i suspected he did, i guess it is then more his fault than mine...

 

[SweetErika]

Surely we have to go back to what is an affair. If the relationship is an affair and the two people are getting exactly what they want out of it, what can be wrong with that ? It could for example just be having a weekly coffee with someone (some would class that as wrong) or it could be full blown sex.

BUT !!! if the people become a full time relationship then that is different, it couldn't work (and didn't in my case) unless the two people were committed to each other and leave behind their problems to start again with a clean slate.

HOPE IT MAKES SENSE ..

Just to clarify...you're saying the potential level of involvement dictates whether or not you'd enter into a relationship with someone who didn't have their spouse's consent?

 

[BigM]

Call me a loser and an immoral cad, but I don't have a big problem with SweetErika's question: Yes (if I were single), I'd have a sexual relationship with a married woman.

Long before I was married, I did just that. With several married women. On many occasions. It was wonderful! They were happily married, more or less. Their husbands didn't know and still don't (many years later). It was very taboo, no-strings-attached, wild monkey-sex. We both knew there were no commitments, and that's what made it so carefree and blissful.

Three of the women are still happily married (I've lost track of the fourth), and I'm still friends with several of the women (and their husbands).

Does all this mean the affairs were right? Hell no. Were they worth the risks? That's a hard one -- thank goodness no bunnies were boiled, nor did any any husbands show up wielding carving knives. All I know is this: Many married people are capable of having nice, simple affairs without dragging emotional baggage into it.

 

[zerimar1231]

I want to say flat out: No! But i can't control what will happen in the future. I am in a relationship right now with a nice guy but what if "the one that got away" comes back? Yes he may be married, but what if he comes back and he's wonderful and everything is right except for the fact that he's married & i'm taken. I'd like to say i know better than to get involved with someone who's taken, but i'm young, i'm going to make mistakes. (Being young is no excuse though) I do hope i make the right choices if this were ever to happen. But it all depends. If it's some random guy no, but if it's someone from the past, then maybe.

 

[Eilan]

This may be somewhat off topic. . .

I've posted about this elsewhere, but my ex-husband fucked someone else just to hurt me, and, yes, she knew he was married. Then he fell in love with her. Unfortunately, he got to the point where he wanted to work things out with me, but because he'd developed feelings for the other woman, he couldn't bring himself to call it quits with her.

My husband's ex-wife has a penchant for sleeping with married men. She likes the challenge. By her own admission, when she decides she wants something (or someone), she does whatever it takes to get it. While I think that this can be an admirable trait when properly applied, I'm not sure that I could be that ruthless. (I'm always joking that she'll start to pursue my husband again because he's married to someone else.) My husband wasn't overly bothered by the fact that she had sex with other men throughout their marriage; what DID bother him was the fact that, once she fucked them, she felt like she had to be in love with them. The time and energy that she should have been putting into her marriage was spent nurturing other relationships. And that became a huge problem.

Many married people are capable of having nice, simple affairs without dragging emotional baggage into it.

You're right about this, to an extent: it's only nice and simple until the person having the affair gets caught by his or her spouse. Furthermore, not everybody can separate the physical from the emotional. THAT'S when things can get ugly.

 

[SweetErika]

This may be somewhat off topic. . .

I've posted about this elsewhere, but my ex-husband fucked someone else just to hurt me, and, yes, she knew he was married. Then he fell in love with her. Unfortunately, he got to the point where he wanted to work things out with me, but because he'd developed feelings for the other woman, he couldn't bring himself to call it quits with her.

My husband's ex-wife has a penchant for sleeping with married men. She likes the challenge. By her own admission, when she decides she wants something (or someone), she does whatever it takes to get it. While I think that this can be an admirable trait when properly applied, I'm not sure that I could be that ruthless. (I'm always joking that she'll start to pursue my husband again because he's married to someone else.) My husband wasn't overly bothered by the fact that she had sex with other men throughout their marriage; what DID bother him was the fact that, once she fucked them, she felt like she had to be in love with them. The time and energy that she should have been putting into her marriage was spent nurturing other relationships. And that became a huge problem.

You're right about this, to an extent: it's only nice and simple until the person having the affair gets caught by his or her spouse. Furthermore, not everybody can separate the physical from the emotional. THAT'S when things can get ugly.

I don't think it's off-topic at all, Eilan, and I'm glad you shared. I don't understand loving the challenge enough to want to steal the person away or be willing to completely disregard how their SO might feel, but it's interesting to think about.

 

[Eilan]

I don't think it's off-topic at all, Eilan, and I'm glad you shared. I don't understand loving the challenge enough to want to steal the person away or be willing to completely disregard how their SO might feel, but it's interesting to think about.

I can completely understand--and even respect--someone who aggressively pursues a goal, but I'd like to think that if I had this personality trait I'd apply it in a more constructive way.

You know, this thread's really got me thinking. . .

A few months ago, my husband and I put up a profile on AdultFriendFinder. We've since turned it off; in fact, it's been about a month or so since I've even visited the site. For those of you who aren't familiar with AFF, the site has a "Magazine" which is, in essence, a message board, though the posts don't show up right away and there's inconsistent censorship of articles/replies. One section of the magazine is the "Advice Lines" section. If you want to know what it's like, think of it as a really, REALLY dumbed-down version of the How-To board (with more dick size questions, if you can believe that). It's an interesting dynamic, but for me, it gets really old really quickly.

Anyway, a common rant there comes from the married men, who think it's unfair because a lot of the women on the site won't have anything to do with them. They're always asking why the women can't give them a chance. Some women don't care one way or the other whether the men are married, but others feel quite strongly about not wanting to hurt an unsuspecting third party. Before we finally turned our profile off, my husband and I, in fact, changed it to say that we were not interested in people who were playing without their SO's knowledge/consent. It didn't stop the messages/winks from coming in from married/attached people, but that's probably because a lot of them look at pics and not profiles.

However, most (but by no means all) of the men don't seem to mind if the woman's married. I think that's interesting, but I don't know what to make of it.

 

[SweetErika]

Anyway, a common rant there comes from the married men, who think it's unfair because a lot of the women on the site won't have anything to do with them. They're always asking why the women can't give them a chance. Some women don't care one way or the other whether the men are married, but others feel quite strongly about not wanting to hurt an unsuspecting third party. Before we finally turned our profile off, my husband and I, in fact, changed it to say that we were not interested in people who were playing without their SO's knowledge/consent. It didn't stop the messages/winks from coming in from married/attached people, but that's probably because a lot of them look at pics and not profiles.

However, most (but by no means all) of the men don't seem to mind if the woman's married. I think that's interesting, but I don't know what to make of it.

Yes, I've wondered why more men seem to be more open to it as well. I asked my husband, and he felt (in GENERAL) it might have something to do with the natural desire a lot of men have to compete, the fact that women who are already taken seem more attractive, and there's usually less emotional involvement and reasoning than is the case with women. I'd be interested in hearing more rationales and theories though.

 

[unfaithful2005]

I met someone before who I became very attracted to and he had a girlfriend. He was drawn to me also. It was strange because we were both in relationships where we loved our SO's. We were faithful and yet there was this chemistry between us. What held us back was the mutual respect that we were both already taken and that a relationship that would begin with cheating wouldn't be worth starting. He met my then boyfriend and I met his girlfriend. He liked my BF and I also thought his GF was sweet. We just felt we both had relationships not worth ruining and left it at that.

For those who already read my post about being unfaithful, this is probably not what you would expect to hear from me. To me, looking and admiring others is natural, but pursuing is something else. Even in our early dating days, my now husband and I made an agreement that we would let the other person know EARLY if we wished to date other people. We wouldn't do anything that would hurt or disrespect the other person. We were aware that although intense love and attraction can wane even in the most devoted couple, we should at the very least preserve the respect we had for each other by being honest. Given that consideration , the person who was being left wouldn't beg for the other person to work things out. It was a mutual respect that I thought we both shared and understood.

My feeling is you will encounter several people in your life that you will somehow find an attraction, connection, or click with despite having an SO. Temptation can pop its head anytime. If you allow your sexual desire to take over, its easy for things to just happen. Even though I already have a SO, I've met people who I found so attractive and tempting that it temporaily blurred my mind. What stopped me from making the mistake is asking myself consciously if I'm prepared to lose what I already have for this new person. I recall the promise I made to my SO and that helps ground me back to reality.

 

[MintSoda]

Absolutely not.

I always talk this sort of thing out with my fiance before anything goes anywhere and I always encourage them to do the same. You have to know where the limits are going in and then once you're in, you have to exercise a touch of self control not to run right past them.

Online stuff can be a whole lot of fun, but it's not really fun if it's at the expense of someone else who is clueless about it. As with all things relationship, communication is the key.

I know exactly what my fiance's comfort level is with this sort of thing and I am unwilling to go past it for anyone. I would hope the person on the other end would be that considerate and mature about it with their SO.

 

[BerksMartin43]

Deleted

 

[SweetErika]

What happens when the communications fail ?

I'm not sure if this question was directed purely at MintSoda or not, but do you mean what happens when communications fail between the other person and their SO?

 

[Wickid Cherry Pie]

I unknowingly became involved with someone who was engaged and when I found out I felt miserable.
I can only imagine the hurt that she felt wondering where her fiance was when he was spending nights and weekends with me.
Albeit I am sexually strong and experimental I tend to keep things as uncomplicated as possible.

 

[BerksMartin43]

Deleted

 

[SweetErika]

Yes it was, but anyone can feel free to answer ..

I guess I'm lost. Apart from refusing to be involved with someone who's not communicating with their spouse or suggesting they work on their relationship, I don't see how a communication failure between them affects me.

 

[BerksMartin43]

Deleted

 

[SweetErika]

I was originally responding mintsoda who said in basics that you should always have communication with your partner .. I asked what happened when the communication broke down . do you end the relationship there and then ? Do you live a lie ? Do you have an affair and find some one to brighten up your life ? Thats the questions I am asking. Perhaps I didn't put it across too well, sorry.

My fault...I was seeing the question in the context of the thread. It depends on the state of the relationship, but I'd likely try to repair whatever was wrong and reestablish communication. That, or ending the relationship is preferable to lying and cheating for me.

 

[BerksMartin43]

Deleted

 

[SweetErika]

I guess your right in theary ... in reality though I was in a situation where because of the children I stayed on longer that I should have done .. and many people must be in that situation but does that mean they can't seek a relationship to help them escape

I'm only speaking about MY reality and marriage...what you or anyone else chooses to do in a given situation is up to you/them.

 

[BerksMartin43]

Deleted

 

[cmarlowe01]

I think that new social contraits are a waste. Why must you be monogounus because it is socially acceptiable? I think it is such a waste.

 

[h_i_s]

A few threads and recent discussions have got me thinking about this...Are you or would you get involved emotionally and/or sexually with someone who is currently in a relationship without their significant other's knowledge/consent?

Edit: Do you say no at a certain point (e.g. talking to someone online, cybersex/phonesex/some erotic exchange, friendship, certain sexual acts, actual sex, etc.)? Or is any type of involvement without their spouse's consent either acceptable or unacceptable?

For this question, let's assume you are either single or have your S.O.'s consent.

i never have nor will i ever, become intimately &/or sexually involved with anyone who is already in a commited relationship with another, behind mine &/or their partner's back. Whether it's talking to someone online, cybersex/phonesex/some erotic exchange, friendship, certain sexual acts, actual sex, etc .. in my book, it's called cheating. Even when i was single, i didn't do it. It's as simple as understanding that old saying of "If they will cheat on them, later on the will cheat on you as well. Once a cheater, always a cheater.". That's my opinion ... some will disagree ... some will not. It's about personal standards ... morals.

 

[Melesse]

This might seem a little cold blooded, but it doesn't bother me at all whether someone is in a relationship with someone else. In fact, I think it's a little hotter that way. The only thing that bothers me is whether or not I'm going to get in trouble if she tells them.

Why doesn't it bother me? Cause in my moral system, sex isn't cheating. Now my wife wouldn't agree, but we're talking like we have permission. Also, I feel it's her responsibility to make peace with herself for what she's doing, and whether or not she's in a relationship is not my concern, and if anything, makes her more attractive to me.

Melesse

 

[SweetErika]

I think that new social contraits are a waste. Why must you be monogounus because it is socially acceptiable? I think it is such a waste.

I agree monogamy doesn't work for everyone, including me (provided everyone I'm involved with knows and has no problem with it). But we're more focusing on whether or not it bothers someone in an open relationship to be with someone who's not in an open relationship. In other words, if you were in a polyamorous relationship, would it bother you to have some kind of relationship with a person who was in a monogamous one?

 

[Eilan]

*self-edited to eliminate bitchy, though entirely accurate, comment*