BDSM and Your Non-BDSM Life

[Sandia]

In my relationships with friends and others I try to maintain a sense of balance. My sense of personal integrity is important to me, and I try to respect it in others.


Power exchange is a sexual drama for me - it's tapping into primordial human urges - ones that are pretty goddam common among lots of different kinds of people, I think.


On the other hand, I'm a dog-person. Maybe that says something?

 

[Ghost's amaris]

My BDSM submissiveness really doesnt carry over to my non-BDSM lifestyle because i have to run a business and i can not be submissive and run a business at the same time.

That is also because i am only submissive to one and that is Master.

Ghost's amaris

 

[~*sunkyssed_kym*~]

Hi Laural, yes I am a submissive in my sexual relationships, and some of that carries over into my professional/every day life. I am a loyal friend who will be there at a drop of a pin if called upon. I suppose it is a part of me that feels the need to care for those who I love.

Whenever possible; I try to avoid conflict. This does create problems now and then, as I ususally will walk away from a confrontation rather than go into it with my guns blazing. When I was younger I wasn't so submissive in my nature and it caused me many problems. You may say that at times I allowed for my mouth to over run my ass. Now, I see that sometimes the best approach to dealing with the Doms/Dommes in life is to allow for them to have their way and go about my business. Life is far too short to worry about someone elses ego. Like Des, I pick my battles with care.


-kym- retreating to the sidelines once again.

 

[cellis]

While I am assertive in my everyday life... I long for the ability to submit to Himself... to give over the control... to be who I am with him.

An of course... being bi I do have this little domme streak... there are just certain women that I am attracted to... that I want to dominate.....

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think this is an interesting topic, which often seems to come in layers, revealing new aspects the deeper you want to delve. For myself, I am a slave, submissive to my Master only. That does not mean I do not afford others in the vanilla or BDSM lifestyle the respect anyone deserves, but I also will not allow others to oppress or suppress me in any form. My Dominant alone has that right. In the last few years especially, I have become used to hearing, though never any less surprised when I hear it, that I am one of the strongest individuals people have met. I have used that strength to survive, as well as help others find their own skills for survival in a variety of ways.

I am a feminist, I believe in equal rights for everyone, and I believe in freedom of choice. To me that means I am strong enough, and been fortunate to realise I can survive in some fairly adverse conditions, to feel safe in relinguishing that power to my Dominant to use as he sees fit. I have made that choice freely, and am rewarded by Master allowing me to sometimes use my skills and knowledge to inform his choices. It does not make him less dominant, just clever and resourceful, as it does not make me less submissive, just utilised and secure, which works for both of us at this point. So though I am submissive, and it is a 24/7 role I take seriously, I am not helpless and needing constant direction to function in the wider world.

Catalina

 

[wolf2002]

Thank for the bump, very interesting thread...

In my case, the two lives couldn;t be more separated... my real life is: a high level, busy and complicated job, trying to be a good father and husband, having drinks with friends on friday night, not-too-kinky sex in the bedroom...
My BDSM life is secret, online, fantasy, suggestion and sometimes frustration...

Breaking down the wall between those lives would probably mean losing them both. I am not willing to give up either of them.. the combination brings balance into my life, and edge, fulfillment. For now, it works...

Wolf

 

[MissTaken]

In just a short year, my response to this question has changed a bit.

It never ceases to amaze me how we, as human beings, grow, change and perchance evolve even when we are old and stodgy!



My needs have changed and to be frank, the lines between my submissive self and my everyday self are far more distinct than they were a year ago.

 

[Netzach]

I'm a pants wearin' woman with my sexual partners. But in a relaxed way. That's consistent with my out of the closet life, too.

If you were to meet me you'd find an intense, individual free spirit. Not a leader, 'cause I'm not a joiner.

I'll collaborate and co-operate happily as long as no one steps on my toes, I can lead by example, but don't come to me for the answers. In short, I don't like to tell anyone what to do or hold a lot of control, but I don't want to have to answer to anyone either, unless they inspire that kind of reaction and know a lot more than I do.

Alpha, no.

Lone wolf, kinda.

 

[lark sparrow]

If this has been asked or answered elsewhere, or if it's a dumbass question, slap me upside the head with a raw mackerel.

I've always been curious: how much does your "BDSM self" relate to your "non-BDSM self" (you as employee, daughter/son, friend, etc.)? For example, if you are a submissive, is that confined to the bedroom, or is it an extension of your personality in other aspects of your life? Or conversely, are you a managerial type in the outside world who enjoys the freedom submission offers in your private life? If you're a Dom, are you naturally assertive in your non-BDSM interactions, or are you the opposite?

Work: I have my effective "Domme" self as well as my submissive self... whichever is most effective and called upon. I usually find myself in tight with my boss, active submissive if you will... down the line to "Dominant" to the rest, carrying out plans of action.

Life in general: not pushed in a corner and I probably won't even notice you to worry about Domme or sub, pushed and cornered, fierce as they come, unless confronted with my Dominant.

Friends: I usually have friends who are are more in line with "submissive" to me, though nothing glaring. There is usually only one Dominant in my life.

I don't really enjoy managing others, but if it's a choice between managing a load of others or being manangered by a load of others... I will and do manage.

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[James G 5]

My sexuality does not come into play at all in my profession. I work very independently but when circumstance warrants I take control and nobody questions me. And I enjoy that. Someone who knows me both personally and at work and who is into the lifestyle was astounded to discover I wan't a domme. So perhaps I am an overbearing bitch????

Sexually I'm a switch who prefers to bottom but will top for a special man.

I once dated a professional athlete (in a very agressive sport) who was submissive. (It didn't work out, lol.)

Nahhh, don't see you as an overbearing bitch
but that could be 'cause I so frequently picture you on all 4's

 

[catalina_francisco]

BDSM does not always have to equate to sexuality...there are some who never have a sexual interaction with their BDSM partners, and there are others who find BDSM relates to life in many facets, not just the bedroom activities.....then there are others who see it as a legit reason to hit on many women in one place, though in a way, if challenged, they can claim was just play.

Catalina

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I've been only been personally involved with 3-4 female subs, and all of them have been very independent, accomplished, and self-directed in their outside lives. That's a big part of the thrill for me: to take control of such a powerful woman. I'd begun to think that that all subs were like this, and that they choose to be subs as a way of compensating for their outside lives.

I wouldn't say that I'm dominant in my outside life. Rather that I'm independent and have a natural antipathy to being told what to do.

But I think I differ from most of the Doms here. I really have no interest in running her life or in being called master, and I don't really want a slave. It's just in the bedroom that she has to yield to me.


---dr.M.

 

[aanthony]

Marie and I are just starting out with the dom/sub relationship, but it is something that is part of the bedroom and on certain dates. It is not part of our public life.

I agree with Ebonyfire - we would look just like the regular suburban couple. I think a couple of her friends might suspect that something is going on, but other than that, I don't think anyone would even guess.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

BDSM does not always have to equate to sexuality...there are some who never have a sexual interaction with their BDSM partners, and there are others who find BDSM relates to life in many facets, not just the bedroom activities.....then there are others who see it as a legit reason to hit on many women in one place, though in a way, if challenged, they can claim was just play.

Catalina

Great minds think alike.

~anelize

 

[ownedsubgal]

D/s (which imo differs from bdsm) IS my life, because a submissive is who i am in the bedroom, in the kitchen, at the corner store, in a plane, on a train, in a box with a fox, you get the idea. it's just how i've always been, how i've always responded to the world around me, instinctively. i could never have a job where i had to be in charge of/direct others. the few jobs i've had in my life have either been in some service industry, or i was a secretary/admin assistant. in one job, i worked in a customer service department...basically i took complaints from grouchy people all day everyday. most of my fellow employees would get irate and snippy right along with the customers. but i was always nice and compliant and eager to please. i think the secretary job was the most comfy one for me...every morning and afternoon people in higher positions than myself would sit a pile of work on my desk, or lists of things to do, and i would get it done quietly, without question or hesitation. i had no visibility in the company, and received no credit for what i did, but it was satisfying for me to do all the "grunt" work, that is very necessary but everyone else felt was above them to do.

my submissive nature places quite a few limits on what i can do in life...i could never be a single mother for instance, because as others have mentioned, a good mother needs to be Dominant at times. but being the sort of submissive i am, i don't have any desires for such things so drastically against my nature anyway. i am the sort of submissive who NEEDS a Dominant, someone to manage and guide my life, because it's something i truly would be unable to do on my own.

most people, even the most vanilla non-lifestyle aware person would identify me as submissive. i've also been called meek...mouse-like...passive, etc. i can't tell you how many times someone has asked me to do something for them, like tie their shoe or some other such menial thing, and i have started without hesitation to do it, only to learn that the person was only joking with me, amazed/shocked at my submissiveness. i remember one girl telling me, after i had agreed to do a particular favor for her for the dozenth time, "you know, you CAN say no some time." if she only knew the truth...that i can't.

 

[James G 5]

D/s (which imo differs from bdsm) IS my life, because a submissive is who i am in the bedroom, in the kitchen, at the corner store, in a plane, on a train, in a box with a fox, you get the idea. it's just how i've always been, how i've always responded to the world around me, instinctively. i could never have a job where i had to be in charge of/direct others. the few jobs i've had in my life have either been in some service industry, or i was a secretary/admin assistant. in one job, i worked in a customer service department...basically i took complaints from grouchy people all day everyday. most of my fellow employees would get irate and snippy right along with the customers. but i was always nice and compliant and eager to please. i think the secretary job was the most comfy one for me...every morning and afternoon people in higher positions than myself would set a pile of work on myself, or lists of things to do, and i would get it quietly, without question or hesitation get it done. i had no visibility in the company, and received no credit for what i did, but it was satisfying for me to do all the "grunt" work, that is very necessary but everyone else felt was above them to do.

my submissive nature places quite a few limits on what i can do in life...i could never be a single mother for instance, because as others have mentioned, a good mother needs to be Dominant at times. but being the sort of submissive i am, i don't have any desires for such things so drastically against my nature anyway. i am the sort of submissive who NEEDS a Dominant, someone to manage and guide my life, because it's something i truly would be unable to do on my own.

most people, even the most vanilla non-lifestyle aware person would identify me as submissive. i've also been called meek...mouse-like...passive, etc. i can't tell you how many times someone has asked me to do something for them, like tie their shoe or some other such menial thing, and i have started without hesitation to do it, only to learn that the person was only joking with me, amazed/shocked at my submissiveness. i remember one girl telling me, after i had agreed to do a particular favor for her for the dozenth time, "you know, you CAN say no some time." if she only knew the truth...that i can't.

Not being facetious here...in all seriousness, if your Master ordered you to take assertiveness training, of course you'd DO it
But could you actually SUCCEED in the program??
I can only imagine the conundrum of your desire to please & do as you're told clashing with your inability to be assertive...

 

[ownedsubgal]

Not being facetious here...in all seriousness, if your Master ordered you to take assertiveness training, of course you'd DO it
But could you actually SUCCEED in the program??
I can only imagine the conundrum of your desire to please & do as you're told clashing with your inability to be assertive...

no, i couldn't succeed in such a program. i would wish to please my Master and make him happy/proud, but he knows even better than i do what i am and am not capable of. He admits that there were times towards the beginning of our union when he would get a bit frustrated or exasperated with my inability to be able to manage certain things myself, or be somewhat assertive in certain ways (especially my inability to refuse men who made sexual advances towards me, that he didn't want touching me). but now he says that if i did have those skills, i would be a different sort of a person, a different sort of submissive, and he happens to very much love me precisely as i am.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Perhaps a good bump for those new and seeking answers/views to some of the issues discussed here.......

Catalina

 

[morninggirl5]

Catalina, your timing is impeccable.

I've spent the week immersed in a totally vanilla, totally asexual conference (well, there was the issue of being "lei'd" in the sexual harrassment class but that was it).

Several times during the week, i was totally speechless, floundering in conversation with a man that i really don't know well at all, but who i have to work with.

It finally hit me on Thursday night, i was reacting to him exactly as i react to a Dom that i'm beginning to know. The "unbelievable to anyone who knows me" shyness was in full force.

I'm still amazed.

 

[D's mariposa]

I do two different jobs at the airline where I work. The first is in reservations (20 hours a week or so). Mostly it's just being nice and selling seats. I do it well. I rarely have customer complaints about my service. Is this submissivness or customer service? It's the second. I know this because I can say, "no, that flight is sold out," or "no, I am not going to ask for an exception for you, no matter how much you threaten to go to another carrier. Delta flies there too, let me get that number for you!"

The second part is security. I'm that chick in the background running names through the computer looking for terrorists. I'm the one who decides if the asshole making the ruckus at the checkin counter is enough of a threat to justify refusing to let him fly. I'm the one who calls the FBI when we get a hit on the terrorist database, and the one Customs/INS/DEA comes too when the drug dog makes a hit.

Submissive at work? I think not! I couldn't do my job if I was. But since most of the folks we socialise with are from the local community, most of my off work time I am my normal subbie self. At home, we are D/s inside and outside of the bedroom. But the fact that I can be aggressive and assertive at work does not alter, demean or falsify who or what I am on my own time.

The thing is, being submissive doesn't mean that you have to do it ALL the time, everywhere. With few exceptions, no-one can live that way all the time. I'm sure ownedsubgal is a sweet and wonderful person, and she's obviously intelligent, but she wouldn't last a day in my work world.

Note: The above is in no way meant to be rude or insulting or mean to ownedsubgal. She is the first person I could think of that I could not imagine doing well in my job. People's talents vary and I'm sure she's wonderfully successful in whatever she chooses to do, cause she's smart enough to know herself and where her talents lie.

 

[FreeGal]

Perhaps a good bump for those new and seeking answers/views to some of the issues discussed here.......

Catalina

Thanks, Catalina. This is a very good thread and I'm glad you bumped it.

In the bedroom/during play, I am incredibly submissive. I give myself to him entirely. His power and strength overwhelm me, and I don't just mean physically.

However, outside of that arena, I am an extremely strong-willed and confident woman. I am also a control freak. I think that's why I do enjoy submitting so much and so completely - I hand that power and control over to him. I surrender my will and just let myself go.

It took me quite some time to find a man strong and confident enough to dominate me, and I have found him. I'd never even been spanked before I met him, and I have found out that I enjoy it even more than I thought I would.

Our relationship is multi-faceted, though, it isn't just about him being the Dom and me being the sub. We do enjoy sensual lovemaking, but I have to say, that is rare. It just doesn't flip our switches like him getting rough with me does.

Something that Morninggirl said struck a chord with me, "The "unbelievable to anyone who knows me" shyness was in full force."

I am not shy by nature, far from it. I'm outspoken and confident. However, when we are in role and he's in that zone - which I find so incredibly sexy - I become a very meek, obedient little girl. I love being made to feel that way.

I could ramble on for hours about this, but I'll stop for now.

Thanks, to all of you on this forum, for just being here and for your openess and willingness to help those of us that are new.

FreeGal

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

While I am submissive in my relationship with 24/7 relationship with JM, my work life is very different. In fact, we have a greeting ritual that helps me transition from work to home, because it can be difficult for me to get back into a submissive headspace after working all day as an upper management alpha type person.

I'm a RN Risk Manager in long term care. I spend my whole day investigating, in meetings, and dealing with the directors of other departments. I've always been very assertive in my profession, whether I was an open heart ICU nurse, in the operating room, or as a charge nurse in long term care. Advocating for patients, IMO requires an assertive person. In this position, I still advocate for patients, only on a different level, and in a different manner.

So, most days, I walk in, get on my knees and he snatches me down by my hair, slaps my face, and reminds me of exactly who I am.

Whatever it takes

~anelize

 

[catalina_francisco]

While I am submissive in my relationship with 24/7 relationship with JM, my work life is very different. In fact, we have a greeting ritual that helps me transition from work to home, because it can be difficult for me to get back into a submissive headspace after working all day as an upper management alpha type person.

I'm a RN Risk Manager in long term care. I spend my whole day investigating, in meetings, and dealing with the directors of other departments. I've always been very assertive in my profession, whether I was an open heart ICU nurse, in the operating room, or as a charge nurse in long term care. Advocating for patients, IMO requires an assertive person. In this position, I still advocate for patients, only on a different level, and in a different manner.

So, most days, I walk in, get on my knees and he snatches me down by my hair, slaps my face, and reminds me of exactly who I am.

Whatever it takes

~anelize

An anelize sighting!!!...nice to see your smiling face here again...hopefully it will become a familiar sight, but if not even a rare glimpse of my adored twin in these parts brings a smile to my dial.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Thanks, to all of you on this forum, for just being here and for your openess and willingness to help those of us that are new.

FreeGal

Your welcome....we also learn from those who are new here.

Catalina