BDSM and Your Non-BDSM Life

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

An anelize sighting!!!...nice to see your smiling face here again...hopefully it will become a familiar sight, but if not even a rare glimpse of my adored twin in these parts brings a smile to my dial.

Catalina

Smiling right back at you, darlin'. You never know when or where I might turn up *grin*.

~anelize

 

[catalina_francisco]

Smiling right back at you, darlin'. You never know when or where I might turn up *grin*.

~anelize

LOL, funny you should say that....there is this little get together this side of the big pond I am trying to get organised and was thinking how perfect it would be for our twins to come join us. Just think, you could flog your way around Amsterdam...how better to mix your BDSM and non BDSM (tourist) lives together!!

Catalina

 

[s'lara]

It is tough to separate the two. Well, to separate the submissiveness from situations which require assertiveness (not necessarily Dominance).

As such, there is a constant mix. To balance the two extremes was difficult, but necessary.

It's a struggle, but many people handle the dichotomy of living this way (separating out their BDSM from other life areas) as best as they can. As we become adept or inept at handling these aspects of our lives, the ability or inability to balance the two sides either becomes formulaic in nature or increasingly difficult. All you can do is try i guess.

lara

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Mine seems to be working quite differently from what you're talking about, if I understand it. Rather than it being challenging (don't know about formulaic, as it hasn't been that long yet), the one -- learning how to submit, going more deeper into my need to submit to my One -- seems to make it easier to be more assertive outside the home. I'm more at ease. Not so frantically having to prove anything or being fearful of my rights and stuff. I also recognize and respect more the fight it can be for me to stand up for myself. (So much easier to stand up for others.) Recognizing that it's hard, paradoxically makes it easier. I'm realizing at home, how much of my assertiveness, my seeming toughness, is really fear-based. I put on my anger coat when I need to protect myself. Protecting myself is so automatic that it's a struggle to try something else, but I want to, now that I know I'm loved and can trust him. And even How I can trust him. (Everyone is stupid in Some ways. I learn to respect that as trusting him to make mistakes but that they'll be well-meant or thoughtless but never to damage.) So now I can let go and go where I truly want to, which is submission.

(But for me, we will always be Equal, too. I don't know if that means my submission is sexual only. It feels deep. But then, sex is deep.)

 

[s'lara]

i guess it's a good thing people tend to be different from one another or we'd be pretty bored.

my balancing is a struggle as the submissiveness makes for a hinderance in situations which call for a little agressiveness. It is tough to go against one's nature on the fly. If you're naturally inclined to acquiesce to others who exhibit assertive/Dominant charateristics, this predisposition makes it harder to deal with the non-BDSM areas of your life, in particular, professional/work related areas which may require a more Dominant personality.

Some people handle their submissive-self differently and as we know, not all submissive's are alike. What i find formulaic is putting the mental filters into place in order to deal with day to day activities that do not benefit from my submissive nature. After some time, the ability to push back (to a degree) the submissiveness becomes rote-like and almost an unconscious mechanism.

lara

 

[catalina_francisco]

i guess it's a good thing people tend to be different from one another or we'd be pretty bored.

my balancing is a struggle as the submissiveness makes for a hinderance in situations which call for a little agressiveness. It is tough to go against one's nature on the fly. If you're naturally inclined to acquiesce to others who exhibit assertive/Dominant charateristics, this predisposition makes it harder to deal with the non-BDSM areas of your life, in particular, professional/work related areas which may require a more Dominant personality.

Some people handle their submissive-self differently and as we know, not all submissive's are alike. What i find formulaic is putting the mental filters into place in order to deal with day to day activities that do not benefit from my submissive nature. After some time, the ability to push back (to a degree) the submissiveness becomes rote-like and almost an unconscious mechanism.

lara

For me this is close to my experience also. It also raises questions in the mind in moments where I may not be 100% focused or physically well, a debate of sorts of where those invisible lines reside. Have to say the recent challenge had a wonderful workout in the mind and emotions, turning my world upside down and back again, making me question everything all over again, and providing a need to listen to his words, rely on his strength to guide me through the darker moments which still visit at times to then cause me to consciously acknowledge the realities again.

Catalina

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Hi, again, S'lara. I don't know if the difference is that I've got some switchy tendencies or something else.
It feels like it's more that my assertiveness, when it's been there, has been of an angry, knee-jerk, defensive type. ( Learned early at the knee of an abuser.) Moderating it, has been tougher though. It's been either flight (old days) or fight (newer.)

Now, it's like as I respect my submissive/serving needs more, by accepting them and letting them have some play where it's safe, I learn that it Can be safe. That I can relax my vigil sometimes, even allow a playful side to come thru. (Not the edgy sarcastic humor that serves me when fighting back.)

You see, that side, my submissive side, is scary to me and I protect it. Before learning to be a warrior, there have been some ridiculous things I've agreed to, automatically, from a sort of automatic subbiness, like I read osg talk about. Like when a student I was tutoring asked me out of the blue if I'd ever slept with a black man, I actually gave it serious thought and an honest answer. Even though I didn't want to answer. It just didn't occur to me that I could say no. And when a rude, nude guy in a car cut me off and asked me to watch him masturbate, I said, 'oh, no thank you,' very politely. Absurd. I blamed myself for things that weren't my fault, had a hard time saying no to anyone.

People still take my natural timidity, when it shows thru, as lack of confidence. I have a kind of delicate sensitive look. (Because I'm delicate and sensitive. ) But that can make you a target. So you either stay inside forever, or you learn to use sunblock. I use emotional sunblock.

Have learned the skills to be quite the (now unneccesary) warrior. (And can kick serious ass, too. Trained to fight multiple assailants and those with weapons.)

All to protect that subby inside. She is safe now. But lonely in there.