BDSM - D/s & Monogomy

[FurryFury]

If this has been discussed before, then I apologize but it struck me tonight that monogamy is not necessarily practiced in some, if not most bdsm - D/s relationships. Not making a judgment statement as I am an observation.

Why is that?

Why is it that some people struggle between maintaining their vanilla relationship when they discover their "dark side" while others blatantly or openly have no problem with more than sex partner?

An inquiring mind would like to know...

(and thanks in advance for your input).

Maybe societal mores, ethics and loyalty are more deeply ingrained in some than in others. For me it comes down to this, who do I care more about myself or HIM. There is no contest.

I would not ever want to hurt him by seeking out another in RL. Whereas hurting myself does in certain circumstances has it's charms. In any case, I'd far rather hurt myself than my husband or kids. What could be subbier in essence than that?

Not that I'm really hurting myself in any significant way by denying myself free reign. Taking "my" desires to that level might severely hurt my self image. I think it would. I like myself and accept myself,far better now than I ever have.

 

[sexymom]

"it struck me tonight that monogamy is not necessarily practiced in some, if not most bdsm - D/s relationships"

This would be true of most American relationships of any type. Please explain how bdsm-D/s relationships differ.

 

[BiBunny]

"it struck me tonight that monogamy is not necessarily practiced in some, if not most bdsm - D/s relationships"

This would be true of most American relationships of any type. Please explain how bdsm-D/s relationships differ.

Well, this is a BDSM forum, so we're talking about BDSM. You see more "open" and poly-type relationships amongst BDSM practitioners than you do amongst those in more traditional sexual relationships. Since the BDSM sub-set is smaller than the vanilla world at large, the PERCENTAGES of BDSMers involved in open or poly relationships are higher. Also, IMO, in BDSM, you don't seem to see as much "let me sneak around my wife/husband/whatever" as you do in BDSM. The non-monogamy tends to be more honest and open and something that's agreed upon by all parties involved.

 

[callinectes]

Inappropriate and painful, I'd say.

I was once (and for a long time) the OTHER-other woman. He called me his "deep, dark secret". I knew about everyone and no one knew about me. It wasn't the same kind of polyamory thing that's been discussed here, though.

I spent a lot of time rationalizing away being third string. I told myself that no matter what happened he would always comes back to ME. And he did. I could do for him things no one else could or would. I filled a spot in his life that no one else did.

yadda yadda yadda

Eventually I started to believe I WAS third string. I've suffered serious self-esteem issues, outrageous jealousy, irrational defensiveness and outright worthlessness.

I've felt unloved and disliked for a long time.

It's been over for some time and I still I'm battling those feelings. They are bad feelings. Bad in that they make me feel awful inside, bad in that they surface at the worst of times and with innocent people, and bad in that they aren't good for my very health.

I'm not whining or feeling sorry for myself or hoping anyone else will feel bad for me. I made the choices I made, no one forced me. I'm responsible for what I did. I made the mistakes. What I did was wrong on many levels.

And I'm paying for it.

Thank you for being so candid. I'm very sorry you are dealing with the pain of the aftermath of this relationship.

 

[Puman]

Wow

This has been a most amazing read...

It is interesting to see how freely you all can express your needs/wants/desires (whether for or against monogamy) based solely on how you feel and what you feel you need.

Where I come from being monogamous has never even been something to consider - it's just done. Even the small 'kink' communities stress the need for "loyal play" (as they called it) and demand medical clearance certificates when you join. It's so refreshing to see the viewpoints of people who can make these sort of decisions based solely on their desires and needs...

Sorry for the ramble, but I can't help wondering if I'd have a different view on monogamy if my knee-jerk reaction wasn't "have you had an AIDS test?" or "How old are your condoms?" ... if I wasn't conditioned towards monogamy out of sheer fear of the health risks within my society, which is really the only reason I am monogamous...

Great thread... made me think a bit...

 

[JMohegan]

Also, IMO, in BDSM, you don't seem to see as much "let me sneak around my wife/husband/whatever" as you do in BDSM. The non-monogamy tends to be more honest and open and something that's agreed upon by all parties involved.

I'm not so sure about this.

There are quite a few kinky people who cheat (or have cheated) on their non-kinky partners, using kink itself as a justification for "sneaking around" - both virtually and in real life.

Beyond that, as Geoff said, people are people are people whether kinky or not. My observation is that there are people willing to break the agreed-upon terms of their relationships in both camps.

It's impossible to know for sure, of course, but my observation is that the percentage of kinky people willing to cheat is no higher or lower than the percentage among the non.

 

[ecstaticsub]

This has been a most amazing read...

It is interesting to see how freely you all can express your needs/wants/desires (whether for or against monogamy) based solely on how you feel and what you feel you need.

Where I come from being monogamous has never even been something to consider - it's just done. Even the small 'kink' communities stress the need for "loyal play" (as they called it) and demand medical clearance certificates when you join. It's so refreshing to see the viewpoints of people who can make these sort of decisions based solely on their desires and needs...

Sorry for the ramble, but I can't help wondering if I'd have a different view on monogamy if my knee-jerk reaction wasn't "have you had an AIDS test?" or "How old are your condoms?" ... if I wasn't conditioned towards monogamy out of sheer fear of the health risks within my society, which is really the only reason I am monogamous...

Great thread... made me think a bit...

Being poly doesn't mean sleeping around with everyone. It simple means being able to love more than one person. (well, to me that is what is means) I still insist on condoms with my Dom (and he feels the same way) out of respect for our spouses. Of course we use condoms on the occasions we play withothers also (though we don't include others very often).

 

[JMohegan]

This has been a most amazing read...

It is interesting to see how freely you all can express your needs/wants/desires (whether for or against monogamy) based solely on how you feel and what you feel you need.

Where I come from being monogamous has never even been something to consider - it's just done. Even the small 'kink' communities stress the need for "loyal play" (as they called it) and demand medical clearance certificates when you join. It's so refreshing to see the viewpoints of people who can make these sort of decisions based solely on their desires and needs...

Sorry for the ramble, but I can't help wondering if I'd have a different view on monogamy if my knee-jerk reaction wasn't "have you had an AIDS test?" or "How old are your condoms?" ... if I wasn't conditioned towards monogamy out of sheer fear of the health risks within my society, which is really the only reason I am monogamous...

Great thread... made me think a bit...

I am 49 years old, and came of age before AIDS awareness. My late teens could best be described as a Notch In The Bedpost phase. I have no idea how many women I slept with during that time, but I do know that the concept of monogamy was something I laughed at, scoffed at, and (in a breathtaking display of arrogance) considered myself to be far above.

The irony for me in this thread is that D/s is the very construct that enabled me to embrace monogamy. It wasn't until I met a woman with whom I actually wanted to wake up in the morning, and started figuring out how to control what went on in our relationship, that I could really stand to be paired up for much longer than it took to fuck someone a few times.

My 20's and early 30's constituted a period of serial monogamy (sans marriage), in which I enjoyed (and learned a tremendous amount from) a series of strong and committed relationships that lasted an average of 3-4 years at a time.

Mid-30's, I met the person who would become my till-death-do-us-part partner and the most cherished woman of my life.

I have no trouble sharing friends, family members, nor am I jealous of time my daughters spends with her Dad, her friends, etc.

Romantic relationships are a totally different ballgame for me. Is it because sex is involved? Probably so. I do become emotionally invested when I have sex or more correctly, I have to be invested in order to have sex. I also have to feel I am special in some way to the other person. I would rather be alone and celebate than compromise the boundaries I have set because I know my limits. Maybe I am totally fucked up and selfish because of it. So be it. But at least I recognize that about myself and do not get involved with those that need or desire multiple partners. IMHO it would be far more selfish if I ignored that part of my psyche and got involved in relationships that were inappropriate for me.

No. This is neither fucked up nor selfish.

I have never been interested in a poly relationship. Not from the point of view of the one doing the sharing, and not from the point of view of the one being shared through an open relationship or simultaneous ones.

With regard to the possibility of me being shared, all of my partners sounded exactly like you on this subject. And they each brought enough, individually, to the table that I was willing to forsake all others during the time I spent with them.

With regard to the possibility of me being the one doing the sharing, all I can tell you is that I have an extremely negative, visceral reaction to the idea of a partner of mine being physically intimate, either through sex or SM, with another man (or woman, for that matter). On the spectrum of poly-capability, I am really far out on one side.

This aversion is not borne of insecurity. It is a very complex mixture of emotions having to do with concepts of loyality, devotion, control, focus, personal privacy, intimacy, influence, and a very extreme version of the feeling you might get if someone asked to borrow your toothbrush saying, "Don't worry I'll give it right back".

 

[BiBunny]

I'm not so sure about this.

There are quite a few kinky people who cheat (or have cheated) on their non-kinky partners, using kink itself as a justification for "sneaking around" - both virtually and in real life.

Agreed, but that isn't exactly what I meant. I was talking about those who are in a D/s relationship as their primary relationship. To me, kinky people cheating on their non-kinky partners aren't included in my little over-generalization.

Beyond that, as Geoff said, people are people are people whether kinky or not. My observation is that there are people willing to break the agreed-upon terms of their relationships in both camps.

Agreed again.

It's impossible to know for sure, of course, but my observation is that the percentage of kinky people willing to cheat is no higher or lower than the percentage among the non.

You could be right. Of the kinky people I know personally, they are more open and honest in their relationships than the non-kinky people I know, but that could just be the folks I choose to associate with.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I thought I had answered this earlier, but it looks like Lit (or my ISP) ate my post so I'm coming back here

Geoff - When you describe yourself as being "poly-capable", are you saying that you are poly-capable from both sides?

Would you be capable of sharing Janey's time with another male Dominant, allowing her to become intimate with him in every possible way during their time spent together?

There's no way in hell I'd be comfortable letting a partner of mine do that. Sure, I understand the hearts-a-balloon concept. But the human psyche is a complicated thing.

In a word, yes. I'm capable of sharing my partner with someone else if the need is there. In my world-view, people can fulfill niche needs, they don't have to be "100% of everything" providers. I find that having the expectation that one human being will be able to fulfill 100% of all the needs of another to be terribly unrealistic and setting them up for failure in the long run.

My first slave was not romantically involved with me, our relationship was based on her need to surrender and serve someone. She was, however, married. For her and her husband, their marriage was much more egalitarian than she need for her emotional well being. I knew her husband, spoke with him frequently and we worked together to build a relationship that met needs she had that he could not (or was not willing to) meet by himself. Another joined our relationship and she became my primary romantic relationship while my original slave was still my alpha. The new girl also didn't have much to do with my alpha's husband. Made for a strange chemistry but it worked for us for a long time.

I guess what I am getting at in this round-about way, is this: When janey surrendered herself to me, she did so with the belief that I would do everything within my power and ability to make sure that her physical, spiritual, and emotional needs would be met. Not necessarily her desires, her needs. Just as I understood that she would also do everything within her power to meet my needs as well as fulfill my desires.

Now, as her Owner, if janey were to need something that I could not provide, I would be remiss in my duty (and therefore voiding the agreement that her consent is based on) if I did not do everything within my power to ensure that need was met. If meeting that need means I have to get outside assistance, then I will get said assistance. For instance, if janey were bi-sexual and needed a loving and sexual relationship with another woman to be happy and healthy emotionally and spiritually, then I must, under MY understanding of our agreement, not just allow her to pursue that relationship, I would need to make sure she has one! Now, if janey needs another loving sexual relationship to be happy and healthy emotionally and spiritually, by logical extension, the gender of that other partner really is irrellevant, isn't it?

Understand that there would be a great deal of communication and negotiation and discussion to ensure that this was indeed a need, not a desire. If she were to need some kind of play that I could provide but have not learned to this point, then I would find (or be involved in her selection of) someone to provide that for her, and I would be learning from them the whole time as well so as to be able to provide for that need if the other relationship were to end for some reason.

If janey has needs _I_ can't provide for, it's my duty, my responsibility, my obligation, to see to it those needs are met. *grins and shrugs* Yes it's complicated, but it's how I work in my world.

 

[BiBunny]

I thought I had answered this earlier, but it looks like Lit (or my ISP) ate my post so I'm coming back here


In a word, yes. I'm capable of sharing my partner with someone else if the need is there. In my world-view, people can fulfill niche needs, they don't have to be "100% of everything" providers. I find that having the expectation that one human being will be able to fulfill 100% of all the needs of another to be terribly unrealistic and setting them up for failure in the long run.

My first slave was not romantically involved with me, our relationship was based on her need to surrender and serve someone. She was, however, married. For her and her husband, their marriage was much more egalitarian than she need for her emotional well being. I knew her husband, spoke with him frequently and we worked together to build a relationship that met needs she had that he could not (or was not willing to) meet by himself. Another joined our relationship and she became my primary romantic relationship while my original slave was still my alpha. The new girl also didn't have much to do with my alpha's husband. Made for a strange chemistry but it worked for us for a long time.

I guess what I am getting at in this round-about way, is this: When janey surrendered herself to me, she did so with the belief that I would do everything within my power and ability to make sure that her physical, spiritual, and emotional needs would be met. Not necessarily her desires, her needs. Just as I understood that she would also do everything within her power to meet my needs as well as fulfill my desires.

Now, as her Owner, if janey were to need something that I could not provide, I would be remiss in my duty (and therefore voiding the agreement that her consent is based on) if I did not do everything within my power to ensure that need was met. If meeting that need means I have to get outside assistance, then I will get said assistance. For instance, if janey were bi-sexual and needed a loving and sexual relationship with another woman to be happy and healthy emotionally and spiritually, then I must, under MY understanding of our agreement, not just allow her to pursue that relationship, I would need to make sure she has one! Now, if janey needs another loving sexual relationship to be happy and healthy emotionally and spiritually, by logical extension, the gender of that other partner really is irrellevant, isn't it?

Understand that there would be a great deal of communication and negotiation and discussion to ensure that this was indeed a need, not a desire. If she were to need some kind of play that I could provide but have not learned to this point, then I would find (or be involved in her selection of) someone to provide that for her, and I would be learning from them the whole time as well so as to be able to provide for that need if the other relationship were to end for some reason.

If janey has needs _I_ can't provide for, it's my duty, my responsibility, my obligation, to see to it those needs are met. *grins and shrugs* Yes it's complicated, but it's how I work in my world.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. janey is a very lucky woman. I only wish every man could be so understanding about such things. Seems that many of the supposedly "poly-capable" men are only "poly-capable" on their end. They want to have half a dozen subs, but they don't want their subs having other lovers. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, I say. I only choose to be in relationships with people who think like you do. Too bad there aren't more of them.

 

[Puman]

Being poly doesn't mean sleeping around with everyone. It simple means being able to love more than one person. (well, to me that is what is means) I still insist on condoms with my Dom (and he feels the same way) out of respect for our spouses. Of course we use condoms on the occasions we play withothers also (though we don't include others very often).

That's exactly what I've found so amazing... people being able to share their hearts (not just their bodies), or as EG said, expand your heart like a balloon to love more than one person... I think it's great to be able to do that if it's what you need or want... Until reading this thread, it's honestly not something I would have even considered. I just now find myself wondering if my thoughts on the issue are REAL (as in from the heart) or just part of being drilled with "poly is bad...poly results in death." (and I'm not exaggerating, the SA governments started these types of campaign in the 90's already as a desperate attempt to curb the HIV ratios)

Enough ranting... the bottom line is I think it's great to see people making these kinds of decisions based on how they feel, not on what they fear.

 

[Exogenous]

This, I think, is the biggest mis-conception people who are not poly have about being poly. Loving more than one person does NOT decrease the love you feel for one person or the other.

Anymore than having a second child halves the love you feel for your first.

It might halve the TIME you have available for the first when you add a second, but it does NOT lessen the feelings you have for them. For those of us that are poly, or poly-capable, our hearts are like balloons, they simply expand to hold more.

“Anymore than having a second child halves the love you feel for your first.” This example is not a good one, IMHO. It’s comparing apples to oranges as a relationship between child and parent and a relationship between SO’s are on completely different levels. For one, the child(ren) did not ask to be born and brought into a relationship with the parent, thus, having no choice in the matter and rightfully should be given the same love and attention as a sibling. Adults entering into a “partnering” relationship make the choice to do so, and must determine what is right for their minds and hearts regarding one or more partners.

I have no trouble sharing friends, family members, nor am I jealous of time my daughters spends with her Dad, her friends, etc.

Romantic relationships are a totally different ballgame for me. Is it because sex is involved? Probably so. I do become emotionally invested when I have sex or more correctly, I have to be invested in order to have sex. I also have to feel I am special in some way to the other person. I would rather be alone and celebate than compromise the boundaries I have set because I know my limits. Maybe I am totally fucked up and selfish because of it. So be it. But at least I recognize that about myself and do not get involved with those that need or desire multiple partners. IMHO it would be far more selfish if I ignored that part of my psyche and got involved in relationships that were inappropriate for me.

EG, your point regarding amount of time or attention, versus love felt, is well taken. I very much relate to what callinectes writes, although I don’t think this way of being is fucked up or selfish. Amongst friends and lovers, I think people tend to gravitate toward, or relate to, one more than others, even though they love all of them with the same intensity. For me, it comes down to whether or not all involved in a poly relationship feel equal in the mind or the heart of the Dom and each other. It’s a complex issue and one that I could not sustain. I prefer to give my full attention and heart to one person and receive that in kind.

Snip

With regard to the possibility of me being the one doing the sharing, all I can tell you is that I have an extremely negative, visceral reaction to the idea of a partner of mine being physically intimate, either through sex or SM, with another man (or woman, for that matter). On the spectrum of poly-capability, I am really far out on one side.

This aversion is not borne of insecurity. It is a very complex mixture of emotions having to do with concepts of loyality, devotion, control, focus, personal privacy, intimacy, influence, and a very extreme version of the feeling you might get if someone asked to borrow your toothbrush saying, "Don't worry I'll give it right back".

I completely relate to this, thank you for putting it so succinctly.

 

[JMohegan]

In a word, yes. I'm capable of sharing my partner with someone else if the need is there. In my world-view, people can fulfill niche needs, they don't have to be "100% of everything" providers. I find that having the expectation that one human being will be able to fulfill 100% of all the needs of another to be terribly unrealistic and setting them up for failure in the long run.

Thanks for the thorough response to my question, Geoff.

From personal experience, I can tell you that an exquisitely successful monogamous relationship over the long run is indeed possible.

I take your point, though, that the odds don't seem to be in favor of success in many cases. Far too many people seem to follow the "grow up, fall in love, get married, have babies" path as if it were as beneficial as the progression from 8th to 9th to 10th to 11th grade.

Expanding one's options through poly makes sense for some. But I'm not so sure that the odds of ever-after success are greatly improved by following that path either.

I suspect that serial monogamy (sans marriage) is a more realistic goal for most people, and I don't see anything wrong with it.

It is possible to spend multiple years in a loving, committed, strong and wonderful relationship without vowing ever-after permanence as part of the deal. When needs or circumstances change, it is possible to terminate the intimate nature of the relationship with a sense of sadness and loss, yes, but at the same time remain good friends.

I guess what I am getting at in this round-about way, is this: When janey surrendered herself to me, she did so with the belief that I would do everything within my power and ability to make sure that her physical, spiritual, and emotional needs would be met. Not necessarily her desires, her needs. Just as I understood that she would also do everything within her power to meet my needs as well as fulfill my desires.

Now, as her Owner, if janey were to need something that I could not provide, I would be remiss in my duty (and therefore voiding the agreement that her consent is based on) if I did not do everything within my power to ensure that need was met. If meeting that need means I have to get outside assistance, then I will get said assistance. For instance, if janey were bi-sexual and needed a loving and sexual relationship with another woman to be happy and healthy emotionally and spiritually, then I must, under MY understanding of our agreement, not just allow her to pursue that relationship, I would need to make sure she has one! Now, if janey needs another loving sexual relationship to be happy and healthy emotionally and spiritually, by logical extension, the gender of that other partner really is irrellevant, isn't it?

Yes, this hypothetical sounds logical. Very responsible, too.

 

[JMohegan]

I completely relate to this, thank you for putting it so succinctly.

You're quite welcome. Thanks for the compliment.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Thank you for being so candid. I'm very sorry you are dealing with the pain of the aftermath of this relationship.

thank you but don't be sorry for me. Sometimes you do stupid things when you're in love and this was the ulitmate in stupid. I was involved in something that had great potential to hurt a lot of people. Thankfully, that never happened and amazingly, because it lasted a long time.

Part of the problem for me is trying to forgive myself. I (we) could've impacted so many lives, so negatively because of selfishness. Once I get to that place of forgiveness, I think lots of other fallout will... fall out. ;-)

I still love him even now. But I'm in a better place, with a wonderful life. I did learn that mulitple partners is not for me. I don't have it in me to do that.

 

[MistressCandela]

I think one difference that I see in BDSM relationships is that the level of self-awareness is greater... This is a huge generalization and I'm aware of that, I'm in no way implying that vanilla people aren't self aware, but in order to get involved in BDSM a few important things have to happen:

taboos have to be dealt with -- you like to be tied down and beaten?? that's just wrong!

you have to figure out your kinks, which is a fun process but also requires a more rigorous exploration of sensuality, sexuality, and soul than discovering that having your neck kissed makes you wet

then you have to communicate those kinks to the person/people you are playing with. Guesswork doesn't really cut it in bdsm.

Limits have to be discovered and communicated.

This whole process involves taking responsibility for sexuality in a very rigorous way. It requires self exploration and communication. It requires identifying wants and needs and lusts and fears.

Therefore, my point--finally!--I think that this process of discovery and responsibility promotes a greater awareness of the kinds of relationships we want and can handle, in addition to the opennesss that has already been mentioned. This doesn't necessarily mean poly will be the default mode, but I think it means that monogamy isn't necessarily a given. The process of exploring sexuality also leads to the consideration of the TYPES of relationship arrangements that are desired. OF course we all go through changes and shift as we discover our needs (which change across time as well) but I think that willingness to explore makes BDSM a fertile ground for unconventional, non standard arrangements. The importance of communication in bdsm relationships is also suited for these different configurations.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. janey is a very lucky woman. I only wish every man could be so understanding about such things. Seems that many of the supposedly "poly-capable" men are only "poly-capable" on their end. They want to have half a dozen subs, but they don't want their subs having other lovers. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, I say.

I am fortunate in that F is one who does not believe in his having multiple subs while expecting me to not have any negative or stressful moments, and then ruling out any males in our play because of his own issues. He has to day to include a female, though we are working on it, but he has included males...and what I admire most is that he is able to talk openly about how he wrestles with similar feelings to mine in those circumstances where the pull of fantasy has to fight it out with the feelings of jealousy, envy, etc. I started a thread about such one sided arrangements once upon a time...Jealousy - Bad or Convenient?

Catalina

 

[bambi144]

All for one- or one for all?

I have no idea on this issue.

I'm new to all this still, and I have had some really REALLY bad relationships that have left me still feeling vunrable and still being affraid of being left for another person.

My worst fear is that we will play with another person, but my Master will not want me anymore, and will instead be with the other person. Which is only one of the reasons that I am reluctant to involve other people into the relationship.

I would like to involve another person, as a gift to my Master, but I dont want to be in a position where I feel I have to compete for Master's affection, or in a position where I will become jelous by seeing him with another person.

Sometimes I feel really selfish, because I wont satisfy my Master in his request, and it does upset me- but I dont know how I can go through with it feeling like this. He completly understands, and I am under no pressure, but i would love to be able to do this for Him.

 

[Rox_shybutcurious]

I am aware enough of my own insecurities to know that I would have a problem with this. If for no other reason, although there are actually others, than it giving me a sense of failure that I was somehow unable to provide something my partner needed and he had to look outside of our relationship to find it.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I have no idea on this issue.

I'm new to all this still, and I have had some really REALLY bad relationships that have left me still feeling vunrable and still being affraid of being left for another person.

My worst fear is that we will play with another person, but my Master will not want me anymore, and will instead be with the other person. Which is only one of the reasons that I am reluctant to involve other people into the relationship...

Dime-store psychology at it's best here:

You have very understandable trust and self-esteem issues to deal with bambi. You've been burned and you don't want to touch the hot stuff anymore. You see your previous failed relationships as somehow being YOUR fault. Other than giving your heart to someone who wasn't looking for the same things out of the relationship that you were, it's not your fault hon.

IF and that's a mighty big IF, you really desire to bring others into your relationship to please your partner, forget about it. Don't do it to make HIM happy. NO MEANS NO. Forget it, scratch it, this is bad mojo. Period. End of discussion.

The only reason to bring another person into an existing relationship is because ALL parties concerned want that to happen. YOU, him, AND the interested 3rd (or 4th or 5th) parties. But before you and Master go run off to find supersub or MightyMistress to add to the mix, you and your Master need to spend a LOT of time and energy addressing YOUR trust issues and self esteem. Until you know, not think, not believe, not hope, not wish, but KNOW, with an absolute, 24k solid gold KNOW that your relationship with your Master is his #1 priority, that he is not going anywhere, that your relationship foundation is as rock solid as they come, adding another person to the relationship is going to cause you grief.

Fear, insecurity, jealousy, possessiveness they will all come out in droves. Get the relationship between you and your Master right FIRST. Then think about adding someone to do the dishes and vacuum the house and do laundry for you. And if you gets her ass to beat, or she gets to beat your ass, or y'all get play time together, that's all good. Oh, and Master can use her from time to time too.

Approach it with THAT attitude... you're getting someone in the mix to make your life easier/better/richer/funner, and you'll have an easier time of it. And remember, it's nice to share, and it will make Master feel good if he thinks it was his idea in the first place...

Nuff said!

 

[midwestyankee]

Geoff, that last post should be required reading for all the idjits who post to the How To board on how to get their SO to engage in a threesome.

 

[bambi144]

Thanks Evil Geoff, that did help me A LOT- lol, i'll pay for your advise anyday!! *special Kiss for the help*

and we have discussesd this, and I constantly get reasurance from Master that he loves me and cares and will never do anything that would make me doubt him, because the amount of trust I have in him and he never wants that to diminish--- but i've built up so many walls that I dont know if me, or anyone else can break them down.

maybe i'm just not meant to be able to handle this

 

[Puman]

Thanks Evil Geoff, that did help me A LOT- lol, i'll pay for your advise anyday!! *special Kiss for the help*

and we have discussesd this, and I constantly get reasurance from Master that he loves me and cares and will never do anything that would make me doubt him, because the amount of trust I have in him and he never wants that to diminish--- but i've built up so many walls that I dont know if me, or anyone else can break them down.

maybe i'm just not meant to be able to handle this

Yeah - EG's advice is ALWAYS most welcome. Just remember to TAKE YOUR TIME and if it happens, then it does and if it doesn't it shouldn't be the end of the world for you or your Master.

My PYL and I originally come from Africa, where monogamy is pretty much a knee-jerk mandatory state of life because you have such drastic social health issues to consider.

BUT.

When this thread started it perked my curiosity and I started wondering what it would be like to introduce a 3rd person to our relationship and proposed the idea to my PYL.... let's just say that his reaction surprised me... We no longer live in Africa and he actually mentioned that is was great to have the freedom to start experimenting... .. we're taking it really slowly and we're still discussing exactly what we want and don't want - but it's something we're both looking forward to...

 

[session9]

Well puman... when you feel you're ready, you're more than welcome to PM me... he he he... If your profile pic is you then my pyl & I think you're hot & we'd love to get together and play.