Can you fall in love with someone online?

[Rigger287]

Yes it is possible to fall in love online. I did, she did but I broke her heart by not going to her. She forgave me the pain I caused but I won't forgive myself.

 

[Setanta84]

I think it's impossible to truly fall in love with a person you've only known online. At best, you're falling in love with a skewed version of that person--an image or simulation comprised of the bits of information they've chosen to share with you.

To say you truly love the person--to the degree one can ever truly say that--I think you need to date that person in person for at least a month. Most people can manage to keep up the 'first-date me' facade for somewhere between one date and several weeks. At a month, either cracks start to show, the person tries to scare you off, or you find out that you can live with whatever is revealed beneath those cracks.

With me, it takes about three dates for most women to either start accidentally showing their real natures or decide either 1) 'Hey gets me! He REALLY gets me! I should share this thing I, for reasons unknown to me, have never shared with a member of the clergy or a mental health profession." or 2) 'Fuck it, this guy isn't worth the effort, it's time to scare him off.' and tell me some traumatizing tale from her life.

I've had exactly three people make it past that point and I was very much in love with all three women.

Woman #1 was a college acquaintance. First woman who met my family and I met hers. We saw each other on-and-off for about 3 years.

Woman #2 was a member here. Physically beautiful in an unorthodox way--she was a BBW but I truly admired her on a physical level, which she never believed--great personality, funny, smart, down for anything in bed, similar political beliefs and taste in the arts.

Woman #3 was the only woman I ever lived with and the only one I asked to marry me. She said yes--and it quickly went downhill from there. After accepting the proposal, she quickly started distancing herself and the relationship just imploded.

For my part, I move from one major city or even a whole state every few weeks or months and have something of a 'player' reputation. So, I think, for the last two, it just took them really fucking off-guard that they were able to make me want to settle down.

I am very mobile for my profession and can't really reliably see a therapist about relationship issues but Woman #2 is more stable in terms of her location and ran our relationship by her therapist.

The opinion there was that I am a 'love addict' who is attracted to/attracts 'love-avoidant' damaged women--smart, hot, sexual, crazy--due to issues I and they had in childhood.

 

[GothAngelBabe]

Yes it is.

You simply for a connection, and with that connection you make a friendship and you feel you can trust them, care for them and love them.

I have many guy friends, and would I enjoy a relationship with ALL of them? NO. Would I date some of them? Maybe not. Maybe one or two.. but once you gel, you talk, and then the big meeting.. things happen..

Hasn't happened because of circumstances but willing to say barring those detours I might have..

 

[pfflyerhot]

I don't...

...know what the hell happens online between people. I love people I've met online, but as far as knowing for sure that it is a passionate, love-of-my-life type of thing, I don't think I can be certain without a meeting the person in person. Is having strong feelings for someone you've never met in person... deep, soul-connecting emotions, where your heart thumps when you get that IM or email from them... or when you flash on them in your mind and your stomach gets all butterfly-ie... Is that love? Lust? Infatuation? Extreme like? Hormones are raging? Been too long without? What is that?
I wanna say yes, I can fall in love online... but unless its a clear cut case of "this-will-never-carry-over-into-real-life", a limitation that both parties start out knowing from the get go, understand and can be satisfied with... Okay, then ... yes. But, I need to address those limitations before anything happens...and I must remember them constantly...or I wind up with a bleeding heart. And, maybe it's because I've not had a love in my life in so many years, that I need the possibility of more than a cyber relationship... particularly, if I feel I really do love a person but haven't met them in person. I dunno. Fuck me.
I'm going with "very strong like, maybe even love". That's my answer, today, anyway.

 

[SweetSam42]

...know what the hell happens online between people. I love people I've met online, but as far as knowing for sure that it is a passionate, love-of-my-life type of thing, I don't think I can be certain without a meeting the person in person. Is having strong feelings for someone you've never met in person... deep, soul-connecting emotions, where your heart thumps when you get that IM or email from them... or when you flash on them in your mind and your stomach gets all butterfly-ie... Is that love? Lust? Infatuation? Extreme like? Hormones are raging? Been too long without? What is that?
I wanna say yes, I can fall in love online... but unless its a clear cut case of "this-will-never-carry-over-into-real-life", a limitation that both parties start out knowing from the get go, understand and can be satisfied with... Okay, then ... yes. But, I need to address those limitations before anything happens...and I must remember them constantly...or I wind up with a bleeding heart. And, maybe it's because I've not had a love in my life in so many years, that I need the possibility of more than a cyber relationship... particularly, if I feel I really do love a person but haven't met them in person. I dunno. Fuck me.
I'm going with "very strong like, maybe even love". That's my answer, today, anyway.

Thank you so much for sharing, P. I like "very strong-like." A few more thoughts...

Pink text: Call me a cynic, but I might call this "addiction."

Green text: I think this is probably a good thing to lay out as a cyber relationship starts up, or when it gets heated.

 

[pfflyerhot]

Pink text: Call me a cynic, but I might call this "addiction."

Hmmmm... *deeply ponders this idea*

Green text: I think this is probably a good thing to lay out as a cyber relationship starts up, or when it gets heated.

If I don't, and I find out after things heat up, that ...say, that the dude is married, or something... that's hard, for me... especially, if there's an attraction, a connection there. I need to know right off the bat what the other person's goals are with me; I need to figure out where to place my boundaries... from the get-go, or they will be stepped on and wholly crossed over. Lit has taught me this about myself... which is a good thing.

 

[SweetSam42]

Yes, there are a lot of boundary pushers here who won't hesitate to try to move us out of our comfort zones, etc. I say this as someone who may have been easily manipulated a time it two here. It's tough to sort out this stuff sometimes, especially with online only interaction, I find.

 

[whiffet]

Very succinct synopsis!

 

[shewantsmore]

i doubt if you
can but all things are possible

 

[sensualsharon]

I think you can yes. I have fallen for 2 phone partners I had 5 yrs apart and wanted them desperately and would happily have met them and given myself to them. Sadly they didn't want me back.

 

[Beck31]

No doubt one can. Spending time with someone every day helps make that bond stronger. Eventually you want to interact with that person physically. It really helps when both people are in the same frame of mind.

 

[Kitty]

i doubt if you
can but all things are possible

Why would you doubt it?

 

[pfflyerhot]

I dunno... on the one hand I think you can't totally KNOW for certain if it's love without meeting in person... there's so much more going on with people that factors into how they behave in the physical world... there's the whole "chemistry" thing. I mean what if you can't stand the way I smell... or the way I suck food out of my teeth after eating..? At the same time, my deepest, most enlightening, engaging, satisfying and meaningful discussions with men have occurred online. And, I personally throw my brain, my heart, my guts right out there in the daylight where you can see all the icky stuff when I'm "involved with a man" online. But, then again... WTF does that mean. What is this "online" place? This online reality? It is it's own reality. Perhaps its as simple as "another plane" of existence. Online relationships make me question the whole concept of reality... all the time.
I dunno.
Damn... "bla bla bla ...Ginger."
I'm leaning with both Beck and shewantmore: I have doubt, but for both yes and no.

 

[PeteHulbert37]

So how do you know when it's fantasy, and when it's real?

I would argue that the online sex isn't always pure fantasy. There can be an intimacy during those sessions that can be intense, and I wouldn't call that pure fantasy.

I think two people can establish a very deep and meaningful connection. I've had that before. I think it is mostly based out of desire. Desire for knowing someone intimately can be very intense and powerful. It can escalate our emotions and feeling for someone.

Still, I don't think I could commit to it being "love" for someone if I have never met her in person. Love should be reserved for something more. When I was a young man, I was careful not to tell every girl that I "love" her. I wasn't one to just say it so I could get in her panties and move on. I was only going to say it if I truly meant it.


However, I do believe two people can meet online and establish that connection, desire and intense feeling for each other and then meet in person and have it turn into love. I've never had that, but I do believe it could happen.

 

[SweetSam42]

^^ I agree with everything you've said Ricky. It's essentially my stance on this topic as well.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Sam - I've enjoyed this thread very much. It is very thought provoking - I still hold to my original answer (yes, you can), but it's certainly caused me to contemplate it more deeply. The answers are deeply personal and reflect the wealth of experience everyone brings to the conversation. For me, I love online like I love IRL - with an open hand and as few expectations as I can manage to carry into it. But, as a human being, I have strong and well defined boundaries and move through this world with a certain level of detachment (in the Buddhist sense). Love without expectation. Just love. LOL - none of which protects me from heartbreak or emotional turmoil, but that is a big part of being human. To everyone who has contributed - just a random thanks - great thread.

 

[alexx_is]

I haven't read the whole thread, so excuse me if I'm repeating something already said, but if you ask me - it's kind of a yes and no. Yes, you can fall in love with the online version of the person you've been chatting with/talking to, but until you actually meet them you don't have all the pieces, so you make some of them up yourself. Which means that you're in love with a mixture between what the other person really is and what you've built them up to be. And then when you meet in real life there is no guarantee you'll still love them because some things will probably be different than what you've imagined and even though that could be totally neutral or better, it could also be worse and a deal-breaker. I don't know if it's making any sense but I hope you got my point

 

[pfflyerhot]

I haven't read the whole thread, so excuse me if I'm repeating something already said, but if you ask me - it's kind of a yes and no. Yes, you can fall in love with the online version of the person you've been chatting with/talking to, but until you actually meet them you don't have all the pieces, so you make some of them up yourself. Which means that you're in love with a mixture between what the other person really is and what you've built them up to be. And then when you meet in real life there is no guarantee you'll still love them because some things will probably be different than what you've imagined and even though that could be totally neutral or better, it could also be worse and a deal-breaker. I don't know if it's making any sense but I hope you got my point

This makes sense... And, it's where I'm close to landing on the issue.

 

[original_pk10]

I haven't read all the responses, so I don't know if I'm just being repetitive.

I've been on Lit (with this and another name) for three years. In that time I've had a couple Lit "romances".

I'm torn on this issue. I think you can fall in love with someone online, but it's not something to base a relationship on or be committed too. I feel like you can love what someone says, and how they make you feel and the heady rush of emotions you get when you connect with someone. But I think that only when you are in someone's physical presence can you really gauge the actual love factor.

Last summer someone on Lit and I started the familiar exchange of PM's and then emails and well - we all know how that goes. It wasn't long before the L word started making regular appearances. I loved/love everything about him. I knew his bad habits, his bad moods and we even had disagreements. I truly loved him. It was because of him, and the strength he gave me, that I made some really hard life choices and am living better because of it. In turn, I got him through a rough patch in his life.

We both knew what it was. It was online, and as real as it felt, it would never be reality and we both embraced that as fact - though the fantasy of running away together was a frequent topic, we both understood it wouldn't be possible.

I still love him. He still loves me, and we talk on the phone when time and life permits. I won't lie and say I didn't cry when that part of our relationship had to come to an end. But it did have to end, for both of us to move on with our real lives and real responsibilities.

Even so, it will never replace physical contact, butterflies in your stomach when you see the person you love and daily nuances that make a relationship. I think if you engage in online romance - sexual or otherwise - you just have to keep your head straight about what it is, and just enjoy it for what it is.

 

[playful1]

No.

I don’t believe it’s possible to fall in love online. Lust? Sure. A crush? Infatuation? Yes. Love? No. Part of falling in love is chemistry. It’s a feeling you get when you occupy the same space. Online, the intimacy isn’t there. Without intimacy, there can be no love. I believe these types of websites, and the world of porn in general, are fantasy lands. You can be whoever/whatever you want to be. I’m a prime example. For years, I came on here and told outrageous lies. I lied about myself and told lies to lots of other people.

I’ve come to these realizations through a lot of soul searching and self-exploration. I’ve done a lot of things here that I’m not proud of. Here’s my story:
In March of 2013, I started PMing seriously with someone here. Even then, I wasn’t sure why I would do this. I was very happy in my marriage. This “cyber affair” would carry on for a year.

We texted pretty much daily and, after a while, started talking on the phone once or twice a week, then skyping a couple of times a month. I told her that she was gorgeous, wonderful, stroked her ego. Worst of all, within a week of us sending our first text messages back and forth, I told her that I loved her. I used that precious term on someone that I didn’t really know (We didn’t even know each other’s last names!) and continued to use it even though she was someone I didn’t particularly care about. Maybe a crush. Definitely lust, infatuation. Not love. I stole her emotions. What a thief and a liar I am.

I’ve asked myself what was it about her. I think it was because she paid a little bit of attention to everyone. She seemed to always be available. She really could have been anyone. I wanted the attention. I wanted the ego boost of a young woman. I wanted instant gratification.

I’ll be the first to admit that I treated her badly. Things like phone calls were chores. I had to do them to get the attention, the mediocre personalized porn that I wanted. I reached a point where I would ignore her for days at a time. A couple of apologies, a phone call, maybe a Skype session and all was forgiven. She wasn’t a real person to me, she was part of a fantasy world.

How is cybersex an intimate act? It’s masturbation. Plain and simple. It’s masturbation with someone you “know” watching. No matter how you spin it, it’s ultimately a solo act. There were Skype sessions when I had porn on the big screen behind my laptop, watching that instead of my partner. How can that be intimate?

I misused the word love. I misplaced terms of endearment. I used peoples’ emotions against them. I did very bad things to people. I’ve lied, I’ve cheated, I’ve stolen, I’ve broken promises, and I’ve violated trust. This whole thing has cost me my marriage and my relationship with the most important, most wonderful, most beautiful person I’ve ever known – my wife.

Folks, watch out. You never know who is on the other end of the keyboard. If you met me, you’d think I was a nice guy. If you “talked” with me, you’d probably like me. That person you’re head over heels “in love” with could be someone like me. Go find someone real, someone physical that you can touch! There’s someone out there for everyone, but good luck finding them on a porn site.

 

[SassySheDevil]

I don’t believe it’s possible to fall in love online. Lust? Sure. A crush? Infatuation? Yes. Love? No. Part of falling in love is chemistry. It’s a feeling you get when you occupy the same space. Online, the intimacy isn’t there. Without intimacy, there can be no love. I believe these types of websites, and the world of porn in general, are fantasy lands. You can be whoever/whatever you want to be. I’m a prime example. For years, I came on here and told outrageous lies. I lied about myself and told lies to lots of other people.

I’ve come to these realizations through a lot of soul searching and self-exploration. I’ve done a lot of things here that I’m not proud of. Here’s my story:
In March of 2013, I started PMing seriously with someone here. Even then, I wasn’t sure why I would do this. I was very happy in my marriage. This “cyber affair” would carry on for a year.

We texted pretty much daily and, after a while, started talking on the phone once or twice a week, then skyping a couple of times a month. I told her that she was gorgeous, wonderful, stroked her ego. Worst of all, within a week of us sending our first text messages back and forth, I told her that I loved her. I used that precious term on someone that I didn’t really know (We didn’t even know each other’s last names!) and continued to use it even though she was someone I didn’t particularly care about. Maybe a crush. Definitely lust, infatuation. Not love. I stole her emotions. What a thief and a liar I am.

I’ve asked myself what was it about her. I think it was because she paid a little bit of attention to everyone. She seemed to always be available. She really could have been anyone. I wanted the attention. I wanted the ego boost of a young woman. I wanted instant gratification.

I’ll be the first to admit that I treated her badly. Things like phone calls were chores. I had to do them to get the attention, the mediocre personalized porn that I wanted. I reached a point where I would ignore her for days at a time. A couple of apologies, a phone call, maybe a Skype session and all was forgiven. She wasn’t a real person to me, she was part of a fantasy world.

How is cybersex an intimate act? It’s masturbation. Plain and simple. It’s masturbation with someone you “know” watching. No matter how you spin it, it’s ultimately a solo act. There were Skype sessions when I had porn on the big screen behind my laptop, watching that instead of my partner. How can that be intimate?

I misused the word love. I misplaced terms of endearment. I used peoples’ emotions against them. I did very bad things to people. I’ve lied, I’ve cheated, I’ve stolen, I’ve broken promises, and I’ve violated trust. This whole thing has cost me my marriage and my relationship with the most important, most wonderful, most beautiful person I’ve ever known – my wife.

Folks, watch out. You never know who is on the other end of the keyboard. If you met me, you’d think I was a nice guy. If you “talked” with me, you’d probably like me. That person you’re head over heels “in love” with could be someone like me. Go find someone real, someone physical that you can touch! There’s someone out there for everyone, but good luck finding them on a porn site.

Very much a big eye opener. Thank you.

 

[sereneone4u]

I say some people are just bitter.
Others put too many boundaries on love and wonder why they have none.
I think it is complete idiocy to think that only love in the physical (I just don't mean sex, I mean being together in person) and that if it is not, it does not count.
If in person "love" was the end all be all, why are we all on here for then?
Don't tell me just to masturbate, we all know better (all though that may be true for some).
I am a grown ass woman and I know love. I don't need anyone else to quantify it for me.
I have been here over eight years and I have had a few relationships. There was caring and sharing but I did not love them. It was an intense like, I was not looking for anymore than friendship and sexual exploration.
However, sometimes love happens. You get to know a person and share things with each other and your relationship grows. They are such a magnificent person, a complete joy to know, support on your darkest days, acceptance of your flaws, fun to be with during the good and bad and so much more. It is a mutual thing. You love them and they love you. You don't have to meet and commence to fucking for it to be love or ever just be in their physical world. There are all kinds of love and there are various depths of it, I don't understand trying to contain it, crush it, smother it and put restrictions on it. I certainly don't understand dictating to others what they feel or experience. I won't deny that in instances meeting in the physical world would not enhance the online relationship, phone and texts certainly does, but it does not put the stamp of "true love" by that one act.

If you can't love, you can't love and that is that.

Yes you can fall in love online. It depends on the people involved, that's it.

Speaking in general, Sam, not directed at you.

 

[SweetSam42]

Ladies, thank you for sharing.

Playful1, you terrify me. And I mean that in a mostly benign way. But you are a complete Lit horror story. And I thank you immensely for sharing here. I think there are at least a few folks here who realize they've been a part of this type of relationship, and perhaps your words will make them feel less alone. And I wish you the best with your real life.

(Every day for more than a year?? *shudder*)

Serene, I love your post. Very good points. Perhaps sometimes we use a word to enforce boundaries that may otherwise not exist.

 

[funluvinaj]

I don’t believe it’s possible to fall in love online. Lust? Sure. A crush? Infatuation? Yes. Love? No. Part of falling in love is chemistry. It’s a feeling you get when you occupy the same space. Online, the intimacy isn’t there. Without intimacy, there can be no love. I believe these types of websites, and the world of porn in general, are fantasy lands. You can be whoever/whatever you want to be. I’m a prime example. For years, I came on here and told outrageous lies. I lied about myself and told lies to lots of other people.

I’ve come to these realizations through a lot of soul searching and self-exploration. I’ve done a lot of things here that I’m not proud of. Here’s my story:
In March of 2013, I started PMing seriously with someone here. Even then, I wasn’t sure why I would do this. I was very happy in my marriage. This “cyber affair” would carry on for a year.

We texted pretty much daily and, after a while, started talking on the phone once or twice a week, then skyping a couple of times a month. I told her that she was gorgeous, wonderful, stroked her ego. Worst of all, within a week of us sending our first text messages back and forth, I told her that I loved her. I used that precious term on someone that I didn’t really know (We didn’t even know each other’s last names!) and continued to use it even though she was someone I didn’t particularly care about. Maybe a crush. Definitely lust, infatuation. Not love. I stole her emotions. What a thief and a liar I am.

I’ve asked myself what was it about her. I think it was because she paid a little bit of attention to everyone. She seemed to always be available. She really could have been anyone. I wanted the attention. I wanted the ego boost of a young woman. I wanted instant gratification.

I’ll be the first to admit that I treated her badly. Things like phone calls were chores. I had to do them to get the attention, the mediocre personalized porn that I wanted. I reached a point where I would ignore her for days at a time. A couple of apologies, a phone call, maybe a Skype session and all was forgiven. She wasn’t a real person to me, she was part of a fantasy world.

How is cybersex an intimate act? It’s masturbation. Plain and simple. It’s masturbation with someone you “know” watching. No matter how you spin it, it’s ultimately a solo act. There were Skype sessions when I had porn on the big screen behind my laptop, watching that instead of my partner. How can that be intimate?

I misused the word love. I misplaced terms of endearment. I used peoples’ emotions against them. I did very bad things to people. I’ve lied, I’ve cheated, I’ve stolen, I’ve broken promises, and I’ve violated trust. This whole thing has cost me my marriage and my relationship with the most important, most wonderful, most beautiful person I’ve ever known – my wife.

Folks, watch out. You never know who is on the other end of the keyboard. If you met me, you’d think I was a nice guy. If you “talked” with me, you’d probably like me. That person you’re head over heels “in love” with could be someone like me. Go find someone real, someone physical that you can touch! There’s someone out there for everyone, but good luck finding them on a porn site.

The more I've thought about this post the more I realize how often I've been that woman. The distance between phone calls and contact grows and then the guilt trip about work or family or health or whatever... I'm not sure I've ever felt more stupid. Please don't pm me about this response. I'm not looking for anything. Just thinking out loud

 

[AltruisticDelights]

Well, this makes me think of the terminology used "in love" vs "love". For that reason I'll say NO.

While I think it's quite possible to make deep connections probably deeper than most in person connections as you are limited to communication (sans webcam/etc), you don't truly know a person(as someone else mentioned you only have pieces) you can't see what makes them smile/sad how they interact with you about any given thing, you can't smell them, taste, touch, can't envelop them in your senses and truly take THEM in (once again only pieces). I mean sometimes even in person a relationship can be amazing until you live with someone.

Lastly, if you truly felt you were "in love" with someone why oh why would you ever want to limit yourself and not truly experience the person in their entirety. That sounds like you feel you're "in love" with the idea of the person more than the actual individual.