Coming on Command

[lil_slave_rose]

i saw what she wrote as a question...something she wanted some information on. i understand she is inexperienced and young but htat doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't know what it is she wants or needs out of a relationship. i think she was just curious about cumming on command. this journey into submission is a long lasting one and we are ALWAYS learning, what can it hurt to ask questions? just because you are curious about something doesn't mean when you get the information you're going to go out and do it right then or expect it to happen right then. i think she just wanted opinions and experiences from everyone else so that she could 'work on it' for herself.

Kailey, i said this before and i'll say it again, patience lots of patience, and as Master said somewhere on this thread, practice. it didn't happen for me right from the start either, i don't think it does for anyone. but now when Master says 'cum for me' or 'cum for me whore' it is a trigger and it just happens without me doing anything at all, and alot of times i cannot cum without Him telling me too. there have been times that He tells me i can masturbate myself to orgasm while He is at work, and i can't do it and if i do cum, it's just not anywhere near the same as it is when i hear those words. there could be alot of things blocking it as you said you do have problems cumming at all right? or did i read that wrong? just relax and let it happen. i know for me alot of times i would think to hard about cumming and all it would do was frusterate me. good luck to you! :::hugs::::

 

[Etoile]

Alright folks, i am getting rather frustrated here. Let me get this straight: I...AM...NOT...RUSHING!! Why can't i just come here and ask a question to learn? That is all i am trying to do. i am NOT going to attempt to cum on command at any time in the near future. i am NOT expecting anything. i asked a question. i am thinking about this for the future. It's a possibility, just like everything else, and i am curious about it. It might not be right for me, it might be too early for me, i might be too young...it doesn't matter, i am simply wondering about it.

CutieMouse, i KNOW i am more than my orgasms. i KNOW there are other ways to enjoy my sexuality. This isn't THAT important to me, it's just the focus of this thread.

Edit to add: i appreciate everyone's concern. i really do. i am getting frustrated though because i am here to learn and i feel like people are telling me that i shouldn't be doing this or that. i don't see other people getting this sort of concern. i am a strong and intelligent woman. i may be young and inexperienced. i realize that you might see something that i don't. Still, i am not being stupid about this. i am being careful. That is why i am here. Before i do anything i research it. That is all this is. Harmless questioning. There is no action. Action comes later...much later.

Hi Kailey,

I noticed you didn't respond to my question about medications possibly interfering with your ability to come as easily as you'd like to. Should I infer that it's not medication, then? If not, then the difficulty you have with coming could be either physical or psychological, there's no way to know. Is it only with other people, or is it even when you are by yourself? There is more to explore here about your ability to orgasm easily before you start getting into having an orgasm on command. For some reason people take coming for granted, but I think a lot of people have issues with it...that's why I suggested that approach to the discussion.

As for not seeing other people getting so much concern - not so! Folks around here do have a habit of sticking our noses into others' lives, especially when they have come to us with a question, inviting our thoughts.

I know you came here with a question about coming on command, and you're being responded to with questions about your relationship, and that must be terribly frustrating. I see that you only wanted to ask a basic question, not get your whole life choices analyzed. But as you've noted, it is out of concern for one of our own - a young person just getting into kink - that we've expressed so many thoughts beyond what you were expecting. I think everyone on this thread wants to see you have a happy future, with BDSM as part of your life. It's like you said...we care about you. I know we sometimes come off as patronizing, but please understand that it's out of caring and concern. Nobody here is teasing you or mocking you just for their own amusement...we want you to be happy and successful.

 

[Bandit58]

Coming on command......don't think it's ever gonna happen for me.

Master practices orgasm denial, but I find that after more than half an hour of clit stimulation (starting/stopping, using a vibe) I start to go numb and it just gets annoying rather than pleasurable. I'd much rather be allowed to go at my own pace and be allowed to orgasm at will.

I must explain that I didn't have my first orgasm until I was 22 years old. I didn't orgasm with a partner until I met Master (3 years ago now). G spot stimulation works best for me, and combined with clit stimulation I can get multiples.

However I find that if I concentrate and think too much about it, it won't happen. I have to be able to relax, and if I'm waiting for Him to tell me to cum, the mental pressure is too great and I lose it. Hope all this jumble made sense to someone!

 

[JMohegan]

To me, this idea of training a person to orgasm on command has all the appeal of that test the doctor does in which he taps you just below the knee cap and your leg kicks out.

Perhaps mildly amusing to watch done to others, but having zero appeal to me in terms of sensuality, intimacy, or conscious control in the moment.

Different strokes, etc.

 

[Kailey_86]

Hi Kailey,

I noticed you didn't respond to my question about medications possibly interfering with your ability to come as easily as you'd like to. Should I infer that it's not medication, then? If not, then the difficulty you have with coming could be either physical or psychological, there's no way to know. Is it only with other people, or is it even when you are by yourself? There is more to explore here about your ability to orgasm easily before you start getting into having an orgasm on command. For some reason people take coming for granted, but I think a lot of people have issues with it...that's why I suggested that approach to the discussion.

Sorry for not responding to this earlier. Let me explain what happened. i never had trouble climaxing in the past on my own. Then i met Sir and i started using the Nuvaring at the same time. All of a sudden i had trouble having an orgasm with Him and on my own. i have heard that the Nuvaring doesn't usually effect people like that though.

Something i noticed recently while masterbating was that i was aroused but i was dry and just couldn't get the juices flowing. i had an orgasm and only then did the juices come. This makes me think that the lack of orgasms (or decrease in them anyway) is a medical issue. On the flip side, i really AM nervous and on edge. i can feel them there but then i get all flustered and it disappears. Until recently i had never been with anyone else while engaging in sexual activities. i have only met Him that one time and we spent more time getting to know each other than getting to know each other's bodies. i don't want to jump the gun and assume it's medical right now. i think that after we spend more time together, i will have a clearer picture of what is going on.

 

[Netzach]

Until recently i had never been with anyone else while engaging in sexual activities.

I think that's a large part of the issue right there.

I also think that the idea that any and every woman is capable of this is BS. I also have doubts in my mind that the person who's "cumming on command" is necessarily experiencing the same physical responses that I am when I'm climaxing - intense, climactic, sure, but likely not the same.

 

[the captians wench]

I think that's a large part of the issue right there.

I also think that the idea that any and every woman is capable of this is BS. I also have doubts in my mind that the person who's "cumming on command" is necessarily experiencing the same physical responses that I am when I'm climaxing - intense, climactic, sure, but likely not the same.

That's something I tend to stress to those who like to play this game with me. Sure, I can cum on command, and I can do it from a dry start so to speak, and I have pretty good control at cumming only with permission, but each of them is a totally different experience than if you just let me cum as I please. Multibles pretty much only happen when I'm given free reign. And earth shaking ground breaking moon launch o's only happen if I'm given free reign. I can get 10+'s from cumming with permission, and I've gotten up to a 7-8ish a few time from lots of stimulation and then given the command, but dry start a 3 is about as good as it gets.

Master's already told me that I'll have free reign when I visit him. He likes the biggens. But the friend who sessions me atm would rather I ask for permission, or upon command. For him it's a real thrill. I like both ways, so it doesn't matter to me. Sure I love the really mind blowing o's, but I enjoy the 2's and 3's as well. *shrug*

 

[callinectes]

I think that's a large part of the issue right there.

I also think that the idea that any and every woman is capable of this is BS. I also have doubts in my mind that the person who's "cumming on command" is necessarily experiencing the same physical responses that I am when I'm climaxing - intense, climactic, sure, but likely not the same.

I don't belive every woman can do this, just as everyone can't deep throat, etc.

Orgasms vary in intensity and response, even with one woman. The "on command" orgasms I have..the ones that occur with no touching, are nothing like those obtained through some kind of manual stimulation. They are pleasant, sometimes are intense, but are never "oh my God" earthshattering. I certainly don't get spacey from a "command" orgasm. Given my choice between the two, I prefer the ones achieved through direct stimulation..but the others can be fun at times.

 

[Etoile]

Orgasms vary in intensity and response, even with one woman. The "on command" orgasms I have..the ones that occur with no touching, are nothing like those obtained through some kind of manual stimulation. They are pleasant, sometimes are intense, but are never "oh my God" earthshattering. I certainly don't get spacey from a "command" orgasm. Given my choice between the two, I prefer the ones achieved through direct stimulation..but the others can be fun at times.

I have had the same skepticism as Netzach for a long time - I have usually assumed that the on command, no touching, dry start orgasms were nothing at all like the kind described in medical literature. What you've said here was very educational for me, and I really appreciate hearing about it from someone who's genuinely in a position to know.

 

[Etoile]

Sorry for not responding to this earlier. Let me explain what happened. i never had trouble climaxing in the past on my own. Then i met Sir and i started using the Nuvaring at the same time. All of a sudden i had trouble having an orgasm with Him and on my own. i have heard that the Nuvaring doesn't usually effect people like that though.

Something i noticed recently while masterbating was that i was aroused but i was dry and just couldn't get the juices flowing. i had an orgasm and only then did the juices come. This makes me think that the lack of orgasms (or decrease in them anyway) is a medical issue. On the flip side, i really AM nervous and on edge. i can feel them there but then i get all flustered and it disappears. Until recently i had never been with anyone else while engaging in sexual activities. i have only met Him that one time and we spent more time getting to know each other than getting to know each other's bodies. i don't want to jump the gun and assume it's medical right now. i think that after we spend more time together, i will have a clearer picture of what is going on.

I've had that happen before, where you aren't wet leading up to orgasm and then afterward you do get wet. I think it happened before I started NuvaRing, though...I'm not quite sure.

Anyway, I think it's too early for you to say "I have trouble coming" or "will I be able to come on command?" You've been on the NR for about 6-8 weeks, right? And you've been sexually active with a partner for about that long? I think it's too early to know how your body will really react to the birth control, and even to know how you'll react to being with a partner. I'm not saying you shouldn't be curious about possibilities, but I think you should wait before coming to any conclusions. As you've said, you're not jumping to conclusions, and I think that's the right way to handle it. Just see where things go.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Kailey,

I've always believed that sexuality is like a river, constantly changing and evolving. How you orgasm and how it feels to you now, is not how it will be or feel in 2 years or 25 years. Your tastes change, your hormones change, there will be numerous changes in your life, your partners change, you change. Nothing ever remains the same, and even in subtle ways, everything changes.

For just one example: Once the fear of pregnancy was no longer in the back of our minds, the sex became absolutely wonderful and I had different kinds of orgasms. (And it had nothing to do with any kind of birth control. I hadn't been on any.)

You might look back on this thread someday and realize that for you, this is the case, also. Or maybe I'm all wrong.

 

[AvaAdore]

Argh, too many things to reply to!

Okay...

Re: the pill

How can people not know the side effects? Whether the doctor tells you about them or not, they are all written on the piece of paper that comes with the pills! As for foods that interfere with the pill, grapefruit is one of them (for those that don't know). Grapefruit actually interferes with a number of medications. Vitamin C is similar, as well as antibiotics.

I've been on the pill since I was 16 (hmm... 6 years!). I definitely noticed a decrease in libido, but no change in ease of orgasming. You can make an effort to be more sexually active than you feel like. After a while, the libido seems to come back. However, it doesn't compare with when I'm off the pill (7 days off for periods), when I am usually very horny! Sadly, I still feel like I have to put effort into feeling horny :-(

The plus side? No horrible cramps every month! From when I was 14, I suffered debilitating cramps every time I had my period. Painkillers didn't really help. Only if I overdosed on a particularly strong one, I would notice some effect. When I was 16, my doctor suggested getting put on the pill because in a lot of women, the cramps are due to hormones, so controlling the hormones often helps.


Re: orgasms!

I can't do it without clitoral stimulation. Well, I did it once - the first time I ever had an orgasm, but other than that, never. I have never orgasmed from oral either! Even with clitoral stimulation, even for hours! I don't really know why. Partially I feel pressured because I'm taking so long, but also I think it just doesn't do it for me. Or I've never had good enough

Orgasming on command? I doubt I could ever do it. Not that I ever tried.

 

[Brosco]

I have read this thread with interest becasue it is my major kink. I fully accept those that have no interest in this area ... after all .. I'm not into whips and chains, so please let me explain purely from a perspective of someone into this.


First allow me to explain the Pavlov's Dog analogy. Yes, this is half right, in that there is conditioning involved to get a response. The analogy falls down though when it is considered the consent that the dog gave. In D/s the consent is given .. in fact, it is a desired capability by those involved.

Orgasm-control has helped many women who have problems attaining an O. Because the initial priority has been changed from attaining an Orgasm to not getting one, the anxiety to do so is removed. It is not strange that with the removal of the anxiety that an O becomes easier.


For those that engage in this, the results are amazing. A single-O sorta gal can go into a Multi to extremes most wouldn't believe. I would tell you results, but that would take away my credibility.

I am happy to discuss this further with any that are interested, but for those interested, allow me to give the first key:
A subby never tries to make the command work ... she must just open her mind to allow it to work.

Brosco

 

[Netzach]

Ok, I also practise orgasm control with my males. It's called "no." It's called "you touch that and I'll step on it." And it doesn't make them multiple, it doesn't allow the non-orgasmic to acheive heights of orgasmic bliss, it does intensify the ultimate spurt, according to most, but I do it for the control.

I mete out pleasure, pain, attention, etc. I have all the cards, he has none. It's a nice reinforcement of this.

I found that the biggest drag on my sexuality is that people want to take a healthy orgasmic woman who's been masturbating as long as she can remember and make her feel like her single, reliable, clitoral orgasm could be soooo much better. Lesbians are even worse offenders with me on this front than straight dudes.

 

[neonflux]

Ok, I also practise orgasm control with my males. It's called "no." It's called "you touch that and I'll step on it." And it doesn't make them multiple, it doesn't allow the non-orgasmic to acheive heights of orgasmic bliss, it does intensify the ultimate spurt, according to most, but I do it for the control.

I mete out pleasure, pain, attention, etc. I have all the cards, he has none. It's a nice reinforcement of this.

I found that the biggest drag on my sexuality is that people want to take a healthy orgasmic woman who's been masturbating as long as she can remember and make her feel like her single, reliable, clitoral orgasm could be soooo much better. Lesbians are even worse offenders with me on this front than straight dudes.

I'm curious about your last comment, as I've certainly had pressure from both women and men in the orgasm department and it never achieves its desired ends... Can I assume it's women who want you to have a vaginal orgasm?

(Women can be a bit, perhaps prescriptive AND proscriptive? When I was in college, lesbians were supposed to all dress in unisex flannel and were NOT supposed to practice any type of penetration as this was viewed as an "imitation of patriarchy!" I clearly wasn't a "good lesbian" in those days, LOL.)

I can have both clitoral and g-spot orgasms (the second, only in a couple of very specific positions) but I've also found that because I usually cum fairly easily, I've had partners who somehow took it personally (again male and female) when I couldn't (due to illness, no sleep, overly stressed, etc.)

I love practicing orgasm control with my kink partner when Topping... And you're right - it's for my pleasure, not his. This is even something I can enjoy with my primary, who's not into BDSM in any big way... (I do think that it appeals to a certain male fantasy.)

Neon

 

[Brosco]

I found that the biggest drag on my sexuality is that people want to take a healthy orgasmic woman who's been masturbating as long as she can remember and make her feel like her single, reliable, clitoral orgasm could be soooo much better. Lesbians are even worse offenders with me on this front than straight dudes.

uuummmmm I'm missing something here, D/s is a mutual relationship... surely any 'play' that doesn't result in mutual pleasure is a waste of time.. and even silly to pursue?

 

[lil_slave_rose]

uuummmmm I'm missing something here, D/s is a mutual relationship... surely any 'play' that doesn't result in mutual pleasure is a waste of time.. and even silly to pursue?

as a submissive, it is His pleasure that counts, not mine. if He decides to deny me orgasm, that is His right, as i've given Him control over me in every way, including my orgasms. the pleasure for me in 'play' comes from knowing i have pleased Him.

 

[Brosco]

as a submissive, it is His pleasure that counts, not mine. if He decides to deny me orgasm, that is His right, as i've given Him control over me in every way, including my orgasms. the pleasure for me in 'play' comes from knowing i have pleased Him.

smiles .. of course it is... just as if he decides you can't go to the bathroom for 48 hours and you have to hold it .. its his choice? ooopppsss His.


Why doesn't he make you do this? or many other things? It is very simple. D/s is mutual. A submissive gets her pleasure from her giving - but lets not be delusional, she knows the way she gets her pleasure - its why we have things called limits. Yes, these limits may push you, but as a submissive you get 'pleasure' from that push. Yes, you do things to please your Dom - but the reality is, you agreed to do these things because being 'forced' to do them gives YOU pleasure.

I do get tired of conversations that attempot to persaude that its the subbie that gives all for a Dom's pleasure. Its a mutual agreement and the pleasure is a two way street - admittedly from a different perspective.

Brosco

 

[lil_slave_rose]

smiles .. of course it is... just as if he decides you can't go to the bathroom for 48 hours and you have to hold it .. its his choice? ooopppsss His.


Why doesn't he make you do this? or many other things? It is very simple. D/s is mutual. A submissive gets her pleasure from her giving - but lets not be delusional, she knows the way she gets her pleasure - its why we have things called limits. Yes, these limits may push you, but as a submissive you get 'pleasure' from that push. Yes, you do things to please your Dom - but the reality is, you agreed to do these things because being 'forced' to do them gives YOU pleasure.

I do get tired of conversations that attempot to persaude that its the subbie that gives all for a Dom's pleasure. Its a mutual agreement and the pleasure is a two way street - admittedly from a different perspective.

Brosco

from a different perspective indeed. again i will say i get my pleasure from giving Him pleasure, but my pleasure is not important. if He so chooses to not give me orgasm or whatever else, it's His choice, will that be pleasurable for me??? no, not always. and i do give all for my Dom's pleasure. if indeed He did choose to 'not let me go to the bathroom for 48 hours' then yes, that is His choice as well, though i dont' see Him getting pleasure out of this sort of thing, nor would it be possible, He'd be setting me up to fail and that's not something He does. of course it's a mutual agreement. in alot of your post you said exactly the same thing i did..yet you are disagreeing..i don't understand where you are coming from.

 

[SweetErika]

Kailey,

I've always believed that sexuality is like a river, constantly changing and evolving. How you orgasm and how it feels to you now, is not how it will be or feel in 2 years or 25 years. Your tastes change, your hormones change, there will be numerous changes in your life, your partners change, you change. Nothing ever remains the same, and even in subtle ways, everything changes.

For just one example: Once the fear of pregnancy was no longer in the back of our minds, the sex became absolutely wonderful and I had different kinds of orgasms. (And it had nothing to do with any kind of birth control. I hadn't been on any.)

You might look back on this thread someday and realize that for you, this is the case, also. Or maybe I'm all wrong.

I've never considered it quite this way, ADR, but you are soooo right! What great thoughts. I've noticed the changes, but I've never stepped back enough to see the scope of the whole or some things like how my orgasms are very different than they were years ago.

And, Ava, your words on oral were mine a few years ago. I can't say oral brings an orgasm often (I need focused, intense clit action or a specific type of g-spot), but I know it's possible now. The things that changed were: I started giving very specific feedback, my partner communicated his enthusiasm and started listening to me, he learned and practices what's most likely to get me there.

So, part of it was me (and really still is because I get anxious about time, worry if he's tired [I expect that not to be the case in my D/s relationships! ], frustrated with myself, etc., but the bigger was having a partner who wasn't giving me what I needed.

 

[Brosco]

from a different perspective indeed. again i will say i get my pleasure from giving Him pleasure, but my pleasure is not important. if He so chooses to not give me orgasm or whatever else, it's His choice, will that be pleasurable for me??? no, not always. and i do give all for my Dom's pleasure. if indeed He did choose to 'not let me go to the bathroom for 48 hours' then yes, that is His choice as well, though i dont' see Him getting pleasure out of this sort of thing, nor would it be possible, He'd be setting me up to fail and that's not something He does. of course it's a mutual agreement. in alot of your post you said exactly the same thing i did..yet you are disagreeing..i don't understand where you are coming from.

OK... let me tell you where I am coming from... first, this thread was about orgasm control and cum-on demand - not just whether he allowed you or not, but if you could purely cum on command.


Secondly, on your digression, you missed the point. You claim that as a submissive you give all for your dom .. surely you didn't take the first dom that came along and gave anything he asked/demanded? It was mutual.

 

[RJMasters]

I've never considered it quite this way, ADR, but you are soooo right! What great thoughts. I've noticed the changes, but I've never stepped back enough to see the scope of the whole or some things like how my orgasms are very different than they were years ago.

And, Ava, your words on oral were mine a few years ago. I can't say oral brings an orgasm often (I need focused, intense clit action or a specific type of g-spot), but I know it's possible now. The things that changed were: I started giving very specific feedback, my partner communicated his enthusiasm and started listening to me, he learned and practices what's most likely to get me there.

So, part of it was me (and really still is because I get anxious about time, worry if he's tired [I expect that not to be the case in my D/s relationships! ], frustrated with myself, etc., but the bigger was having a partner who wasn't giving me what I needed.

I'll chime in and add to your comments to ADR. They were very good ones. One thing that dove tails into this is that "often" women do not hit their sexual peak until late 20's and early 30's. This of course is a relative thing but many studies have shown that this is true. I am sure there are many reasons for this, some psychological as well as physical, however I think it does fit into this idea of how a woman's body changes over time.

I have always attrributed this phenomenom to women moving past what most would consider the childbearing years and with that their attitudes and thinking about sex changes. In a way sort of like what ADR mentioned. Certain things are no longer a factor around that time period. For most couples one or the other has been fixed so that birth control is not a concern and that can be very freeing when it comes to sex. As the fear of some things are lessened, the ability to be more bolder and explore more become available. By this time there is more wisdom in knowing what turns you on and you can be bold enough to do it and yet relaxed enough to enjoy it.

Certainly the whole sexual peak thing doesn't apply to all women nor is it limiting...but I thought it might be interesting to throw into the discussion and will credit and thank ADR for making me think of it.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Sir's slave is able to come on command and i want to be able to do that so badly but it is difficult for me to even come with stimulation. i don't know if it is a medical thing, nervousness, or what. i really wish it weren't so hard for me though. This was the most frustrating part of my meeting with Sir.

Does anyone else have this much trouble coming? Has anyone who has had trouble coming been able to come on command? Is there anything i can do to make coming easier for me?

It took a while for My rose and I to get it. It takes practice, and incremental steps. First I would push back her orgasms, then started making her beg for them to get her to release control of them. Then having the orgasm control, I was able to start working with ehr on doing it just by order.

Also, from what I have read you are fairly sexually inexperienced. Take the time to learn the stimuli that bring your body to that brink.

Its a long process, and don't be discouraged.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

I had my first child at 30.

I had my first when I was 19.

I think that's part of why my drive sky rocketed in my 40's. My kids were older. I had more freedom of space, movement and adult time.
Fury

My kids are 21, 17 and 8 (will be 9 in Feb). LOL. Mine are older too so I think you're right about the freedom of space, movement and adult time thing.

Oh and the not having to worry about getting pregnant thing definately helps you relax and enjoy yourself.

I have to say though I was glad to read I'm not the only skeptic on the orgasm on command, but I like the way it was explained by some on this thread. It made a lot more sense to me that way and made it sound less "fantasy" based and much more reality based. Thank y'all for the explanations.

 

[neonflux]

Yeah, you nailed pretty much what I'm talking about. I've run into "ohhhh you just haven't met the right girl yet" normally with other women who do have G spot orgasms, so naturally I must be able to do the same and just not be doing it right, even though I've been poking around in there since my single digit ages. Ultimately, the frustration for me, outweighs any possible benefit - it just ain't happening, lady!

Why can women be so darn silly!!! It clearly ISN'T personal, after all!!!