Coming on Command

[neonflux]

I recently had a rare G spot orgasm. It didn't rare high on my personal orgasm graft.

Fury

Isn't it funny how different people's responses are from one another; it's actually my preferred, although I can't give one to myself, unfortunately. Have no trouble giving myself clitoral ones, LOL!

 

[neonflux]

Hehehe!

It was in my 40's for me.

Fury

Actually everything I've read and everyone I've talked to suggests it's in one's 40's. Are we rolling this timeline back, just like we're putting 13 year olds on the runway and in "age defying" makeup ads?

I still need something to look forward to here, people!

Hey, all I can say is that it get's even better - and hotter - after age 50

 

[RJMasters]

Actually everything I've read and everyone I've talked to suggests it's in one's 40's. Are we rolling this timeline back, just like we're putting 13 year olds on the runway and in "age defying" makeup ads?

I still need something to look forward to here, people!

Netz you will still be peaking and making those around you peak till the last beat of your heart.

 

[RJMasters]

It is interesting that the subject of G O's have come up.

This is actually one area where I have a lot of experience and know a few things. I have listened to many ladies share such positive results while others have experienced things like nausea, uncomfortableness and even nil effect.

I have read some threads where egos abound as if some crusade was in effect and it was their job to make a believer out of everyone. Touting 20+ and more orgams like it was some trophy to be hung over a mantle. Granted excitement is merited but so as to lose persepctive or to put blinders on that lead to such a narrow vision.

I am not claiming this can be done by everyone because honestly I do not know if that is true or not, I do know there are those who say they can't and also many who say they do not get the results others claim. What I do know and can say is that I have personal experience in helping those who have trouble with this.

When I first began working with my wife with this, she spoke of becoming sick to her stomach, she also at other times talked that it was of little or no effect. During those times I paid attention to what was happening and what I was doing and I learned many important and a few unexpected things. I will offer an open invitation to couples or individuals who have tired this and have had no or limited success but are interested learning how they might explore this in some new ways or from a different perspective. I cannot promise or guarantee results but I can say that there is a good chance you will come away with some interesting perspectives that are not normally focused on or talked about.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Actually everything I've read and everyone I've talked to suggests it's in one's 40's. Are we rolling this timeline back, just like we're putting 13 year olds on the runway and in "age defying" makeup ads?

I still need something to look forward to here, people!

LOL, sorry Netzach, all I've ever heard was it hits around 30 and though I was not lacking before, by 30 I was insatiable.....hasn't changed much.

Catalina

 

[AvaAdore]

And, Ava, your words on oral were mine a few years ago. I can't say oral brings an orgasm often (I need focused, intense clit action or a specific type of g-spot), but I know it's possible now. The things that changed were: I started giving very specific feedback, my partner communicated his enthusiasm and started listening to me, he learned and practices what's most likely to get me there.

There's another reason I'm hesitant to put much effort into it. I'm extremely prone to UTIs, and saliva seems to make it worse. Not really worth it in my opinion :-/

 

[Agincourt]

Actually everything I've read and everyone I've talked to suggests it's in one's 40's. Are we rolling this timeline back, just like we're putting 13 year olds on the runway and in "age defying" makeup ads?

I still need something to look forward to here, people!

Lol... Guess I've an even longer while to wait then... ah well I can still make the most of the years till I get there and have fun doing it.

 

[BeachGurl2]

Several studies I've read show that women tend to reach their sexual peak between 35 and 45. While they talk about 'average' age, the range seems to have remained consistent over the years that I've been interested in this. Having turned 41 this year, and knowing my own body, I'd say that the studies I've read were pretty much on track so far. However, it's really a silly thing to argue about, since every single woman on the planet is different. If a woman who is 30 says that she thinks she's hit her peak, well, let's face it, she hasn't hit 40 yet, has she? But maybe she has peaked. And who's to say that at 50, I won't feel that 50 is my sexual peak? Personally, I've never heard it said to be below 35, but that doesn't mean there isn't a study out there that did find that. I've also read that men reach their sexual peak at 18. What difference does it make in the grand scheme of things? Each individual is different and every single day is different.

And every kind of orgasm is different. I learned to cum on command in a relationship for the first time in my early 20s. It was a very intense relationship, very much centered on sex and little else. The orgasm I had without any physical contact was very different from one that came from intercourse, and different still from direct clitoral stimulation. And it wasn't something that necessarily happened in other relationships. In fact, it's only happened in a couple of relationships. Very intense and very sexually based.

Let's face it, a lot of what happens in a sexual relationship comes from what's in your head. It has nothing to do with being a better submissive or a better Dom because you are able to do this. Some women can and some can't. It doesn't make one better than the other. It just makes them different. You might be able to do it in one relationship and not another. There's nothing wrong with trying to achieve this. Nothing wrong as setting it as a goal. But don't let yourself get down if you aren't able to reach it because not everyone does or can. It doesn't make you less in any way.

And I've got to say I love the deep throat analogy. I'm going to go out on a limb here, since I'm not a guy, and say that I doubt any man would think less of you just because you can't deep throat. He's not going to keep you from blowing him just because you can't deep throat, right? And if he does, I'm guessing he's probably not the right guy for you, anyway. I think the same applies to cumming on command. "Oh, you can't cum on command? Then leave, now!" Yeah, that's gonna happen.


Okay, so maybe I should take sex more seriously?

 

[BeachGurl2]

It is interesting that the subject of G O's have come up.

This is actually one area where I have a lot of experience and know a few things. I have listened to many ladies share such positive results while others have experienced things like nausea, uncomfortableness and even nil effect.

I have read some threads where egos abound as if some crusade was in effect and it was their job to make a believer out of everyone. Touting 20+ and more orgams like it was some trophy to be hung over a mantle. Granted excitement is merited but so as to lose persepctive or to put blinders on that lead to such a narrow vision.

I am not claiming this can be done by everyone because honestly I do not know if that is true or not, I do know there are those who say they can't and also many who say they do not get the results others claim. What I do know and can say is that I have personal experience in helping those who have trouble with this.

When I first began working with my wife with this, she spoke of becoming sick to her stomach, she also at other times talked that it was of little or no effect. During those times I paid attention to what was happening and what I was doing and I learned many important and a few unexpected things. I will offer an open invitation to couples or individuals who have tired this and have had no or limited success but are interested learning how they might explore this in some new ways or from a different perspective. I cannot promise or guarantee results but I can say that there is a good chance you will come away with some interesting perspectives that are not normally focused on or talked about.

While I quite enjoy the feeling of a G-spot orgasm, if I'm stimulated on my G-spot for too long or too regularly, I end up with a painful UTI. So even though it feels quite enjoyable at the time, it's not something I've had a lot of long term success with.

 

[JMohegan]

And I've got to say I love the deep throat analogy. I'm going to go out on a limb here, since I'm not a guy......

I actually do not think this is a good analogy, for the simple reason that I consider one to be very appealing and the other not at all.

I am not trying to insult those who practice orgasms on command with my comments here, but this seems to be yet one more fallacious stereotype that warrants refuting.

I do not see this as the ultimate in power exchange or the holy grail of D/s, and it sure as heck has nothing to do with SM, sensuality, or the height of sexual intimacy. If some enjoy it, fine. But it's not a goal or even an interest of mine or indeed anyone else I know.

Again - I am not trying to criticize anyone here. I am just trying to keep things in perspective.

 

[callinectes]

I actually do not think this is a good analogy, for the simple reason that I consider one to be very appealing and the other not at all.

I am not trying to insult those who practice orgasms on command with my comments here, but this seems to be yet one more fallacious stereotype that warrants refuting.

I do not see this as the ultimate in power exchange or the holy grail of D/s, and it sure as heck has nothing to do with SM, sensuality, or the height of sexual intimacy. If some enjoy it, fine. But it's not a goal or even an interest of mine or indeed anyone else I know.

Again - I am not trying to criticize anyone here. I am just trying to keep things in perspective.

I don't think anyone is purporting that it is the ultimate in power exchange or the holy grail in D/s. I certainly wouldn't be so presumptuous as to make that comment. I also think most of the posts in this thread attempt not to perpetuate the stereotype. I don't understand what you feel you need to keep into perspective here. You enjoy deep throating but not orgasm on command..fine. Great. Some would agree with you, some enjoy both. Similarly, I would find something like singing day annoying as hell. Neither is right or wrong, it is simply a difference in taste.

As for being intimate..it is incredibly intimate when I am with him (we are real time, living only 2 miles apart) and we are looking into each other's eyes while he verbally caresses me with that special tone of voice.

 

[JMohegan]

There is an excellent article about release training at the Castle Realm.

http://castlerealm.com/library/release.shtml

From the article to which you have linked:

"Orgasm on demand is the Holy Grail of sexual control. And like the mythical chalice sought by the Crusaders, it is almost as elusive. Training someone to release purely on verbal command is a goal many have tried, but few have achieved. Why is it so difficult? Partly due to biology, partly due to individual differences in the human sexual response, and very much due to ineffective training."

 

[BeachGurl2]

I actually do not think this is a good analogy, for the simple reason that I consider one to be very appealing and the other not at all.

I am not trying to insult those who practice orgasms on command with my comments here, but this seems to be yet one more fallacious stereotype that warrants refuting.

I do not see this as the ultimate in power exchange or the holy grail of D/s, and it sure as heck has nothing to do with SM, sensuality, or the height of sexual intimacy. If some enjoy it, fine. But it's not a goal or even an interest of mine or indeed anyone else I know.

Again - I am not trying to criticize anyone here. I am just trying to keep things in perspective.

Well, I must have missed my mark with my post, then, because that was actually the point I was trying to make. Being able to do one or the other doesn't make you a better anything. I wasn't making the analogy based on what was appealing or not appealing. My point was that whether you can do one or the other does not make you a 'better' submissive. I liked the analogy specifically because so many people - vanilla or D/s - seem to aspire to the whole deep throat thing, so it's something everyone reading this can relate to. And the point I was trying to get across was that anyone who would decide that a sub wasn't submissive enough because she couldn't do one or the other is really quite deluded, in my humble opinion.

 

[callinectes]

oookay, red faced now. I glossed over all of that when I read the article a while back and didn't even remember it. I was more interested in the methodology. I need to post a disclaimer with that link!

 

[JMohegan]

Cumming on command in my opinion is an advance form of power exchange. Before it is attempted there should be many lesser steps of power exchange in this area so that through time and experience you become famillar with each other and allows for getting in touch with certain aspects of expressing your sexuality in submission to another.

RJ, I am quoting you here solely to help Callinectes understand my remarks in post 96.

We have different opinions on this. No problem.

 

[JMohegan]

I don't think anyone is purporting that it is the ultimate in power exchange or the holy grail in D/s. I certainly wouldn't be so presumptuous as to make that comment. I also think most of the posts in this thread attempt not to perpetuate the stereotype. I don't understand what you feel you need to keep into perspective here.

Hopefully my two previous posts have explained my remarks on this thread.

I am simply offering a different perspective. That's all.

 

[JMohegan]

oookay, red faced now. I glossed over all of that when I read the article a while back and didn't even remember it said all of that. I was more interested in the methodology. I need to post a disclaimer with that link!

No need to be red faced. I'm just happy that you understand why I wrote what I did.

 

[JMohegan]

Well, I must have missed my mark with my post, then, because that was actually the point I was trying to make. Being able to do one or the other doesn't make you a better anything. I wasn't making the analogy based on what was appealing or not appealing. My point was that whether you can do one or the other does not make you a 'better' submissive. I liked the analogy specifically because so many people - vanilla or D/s - seem to aspire to the whole deep throat thing, so it's something everyone reading this can relate to. And the point I was trying to get across was that anyone who would decide that a sub wasn't submissive enough because she couldn't do one or the other is really quite deluded, in my humble opinion.

All of these are really good points. I agree, and should have said so when I responded to your post.

I was trying to add to your point by giving the view from the Top side, if you will. My apologies for not making that clear.

 

[callinectes]

No need to be red faced. I'm just happy that you understand why I wrote what I did.

LOL. I'm just glad you posted that snippet from the article. Suddenly everything was crystal clear!

 

[SweetErika]

It is interesting that the subject of G O's have come up.

This is actually one area where I have a lot of experience and know a few things. I have listened to many ladies share such positive results while others have experienced things like nausea, uncomfortableness and even nil effect.

I have read some threads where egos abound as if some crusade was in effect and it was their job to make a believer out of everyone. Touting 20+ and more orgams like it was some trophy to be hung over a mantle. Granted excitement is merited but so as to lose persepctive or to put blinders on that lead to such a narrow vision.

I am not claiming this can be done by everyone because honestly I do not know if that is true or not, I do know there are those who say they can't and also many who say they do not get the results others claim. What I do know and can say is that I have personal experience in helping those who have trouble with this.

When I first began working with my wife with this, she spoke of becoming sick to her stomach, she also at other times talked that it was of little or no effect. During those times I paid attention to what was happening and what I was doing and I learned many important and a few unexpected things. I will offer an open invitation to couples or individuals who have tired this and have had no or limited success but are interested learning how they might explore this in some new ways or from a different perspective. I cannot promise or guarantee results but I can say that there is a good chance you will come away with some interesting perspectives that are not normally focused on or talked about.

RJ, I'd really like to hear what you have to say on this, and hope you'll start a thread in your down-to-earth likeness to share your knowledge. We haven't been unsuccessful, but there's definitely room to learn and improve.

The people/threads you spoke of can be informative, but the attitudes certainly bother me, and I've heard the same from others. New info and fresh perspectives, instead of banging the same "this is the technique and if you're not getting these results, you're not doing it right" drum would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Kajira Callista]

From the article to which you have linked:

"Orgasm on demand is the Holy Grail of sexual control. And like the mythical chalice sought by the Crusaders, it is almost as elusive. Training someone to release purely on verbal command is a goal many have tried, but few have achieved. Why is it so difficult? Partly due to biology, partly due to individual differences in the human sexual response, and very much due to ineffective training."

pftttt castle realm

 

[RJMasters]

RJ, I am quoting you here solely to help Callinectes understand my remarks in post 96.

We have different opinions on this. No problem.

Actually JM our opinions on this is not so very different.

There was once a time when I did very much think that orgasm control was the end all be all of things when it came to control. It has been a long time since I have believed that and in truth often voice disclaimers about orgasm control.

I have known way too many submissive who have been in a relationship with a Dom and have done this only to have the relationhsip fall apart later on. In the aftermath they are the ones stuck with this learnt behavior that can often leave them sexually high and dry and can lead to many sustimic problems from stumbling over it again and again in new and future relationships.

This is the reason I pointed out that I am not a big fan of the whole pavilov approach, because with that approach is often associated this notion of orgasm control being the bench mark of control ina D/s relationship.

I think that if its done right, orgasm control can be a very special part of a D/s relationship. It is a facet that two people can explore together within the context of a relationship. And let's face it, even if its outside a relationship and it purely pavilov trained in nature, if this is what two consenting adults want then I have no porblem being happy for them.

As I said in one of the first posts of this thread, there are different approaches to this and that comming on command can be both a very special and intimate thing shared by two people or it can also be a very superfical thing and shallow. I seen both and will admit to making mistakes in both.

My position is more of a balanced one. It is not that I am against it or that I do not enjoy it. Its not that I am totally for it by any means neccessary nor do I think it is a bench mark that all should aspire to, I am not going to throw the baby out with the bathwater though, in that I do know it can be if done right an amazing element of a maturing D/s relationship or even of a marriage.

I think the idea of giving one's orgasm over to their partner comes from this idea that orgasms are a very personal aspect of a person. It is often a point where a person experiences themselves explode and go out of control and for many submissive nothing seems more natural than to want to give this part of them to their Dom or Master.

So keeping everything hee on the table, I don't think orgasm control is the end all or be all of a D/s relationship, but I don't make it out to be a bad thing either and will willing accept that it can and is a special part of a D/s relationship. If you ask me how to make it more special, I would advise steering away from the pavilonian approach and work at it over time as the relationship deepens and allow things to fall into place in a more natural way.

 

[JMohegan]

pftttt castle realm

Hi, KC. Nice to see you.

Pftttt indeed. Some of the claims to universality on that site are very silly! I don't have a problem with people describing whatever flavor of D/s works for them, but to write it up as Gospel is outrageous.

My position is more of a balanced one. It is not that I am against it or that I do not enjoy it. Its not that I am totally for it by any means neccessary nor do I think it is a bench mark that all should aspire to, I am not going to throw the baby out with the bathwater though, in that I do know it can be if done right an amazing element of a maturing D/s relationship or even of a marriage.

Thanks for your post, RJ. Yes, that does sound like a balanced view.

I think the idea of giving one's orgasm over to their partner comes from this idea that orgasms are a very personal aspect of a person. It is often a point where a person experiences themselves explode and go out of control and for many submissive nothing seems more natural than to want to give this part of them to their Dom or Master.

Perhaps this paragraph highlights the disconnect for me when thinking about orgasms on command. I agree with what you wrote, and absolutely *do* understand the appeal of this type of intimacy. But I just don't see what this has to do with "cutting out the middle man" (to borrow Geoff's phrase from post 8, above).

 

[callinectes]

Pftttt indeed. Some of the claims to universality on that site are very silly! I don't have a problem with people describing whatever flavor of D/s works for them, but to write it up as Gospel is outrageous.

On my honor, I promise to never link to anything at Castle Realm again. LMAO. I have a really bad habit of skimming articles and only reading the part that interests me. The end all, be all stuff just didn't even register with me..I was purely reading it for the method. Maybe I need a spanking to correct my carelessness??

 

[RJMasters]

*WARNING this is a long and wordy and complex thing-a-ma-jig type post from yours truly. For those who would rather skip it I am posting a summary of what is said in three sentences. For those wishing to devle some of the reason into how I come up with my thoughts please proceed at your own risk.

--------------
Orgasm control and cumming on command is basically welding your sexual identity to another person. There both positve and negative life-changing aspects of doing this and it therefore should only be entered into with the utmost of careful thought and responsible perspective and not just upon a whim. the saying only fools rush in imo certainly applies to this aspect of any power excahng relationship, or any relationship for that matter.
--------------


As a follow up to the last post I made I want to explain something from my point of view as it pertains to BDSM and D/s. It is a part of my core philosophy in life and how I look at many things and from where I often draw some of my deeper insights to things in life. Its not going to fix world hunger but it has served me well and has continuially lead me to grow and mature in my thinking.

There are three fundemental approaches and aspects to BDSM and D/s, they are:

- A mental aspect
- An emotional aspect
- A physical aspect

*for the nick pickers there can also be a spiritial aspect but I divide that up between the mental and emotional aspects.

Now people have different tastes, wants and desires. Often these dictate what a person focuses upon when they approach different things in life. These focuses can and do shape who we are and what we do. In no way am I suggesting that all three are not involved, at some level, at all times, however I am suggesting that different personality types place more importance upon one of these aspects more so than the others. Though there is no hard and fast rule here, it works more like a 60%/40% or 70%/30% kind of thing. Its not the best example, but I use this as a means to draw a mental picture of what I am tyring to say. You can even trace this to how some people are better at being hands-on learners and doers, others are more visual orietned type people, some are more audio-type people and others require a combination of one or more.

Some focus more upon the physical, some on the mental and others on the emotional aspects. This is true for both dominant and submissive alike. I don't think you can make any hard and fast rules about which is better or more important, but by understanding this it can be helpful in keeping perspective as well as understanding why certain consequences come either good or bad.

As to why I brought this up and why I feel it pertains to this discussion about coming on command and orgasm control...is because as I said there are different ways in which to approach things, and where one puts the emphasis and focus can produce completely different results.

The pavilov approach is a valid apporach to orgasm control. In this apporach the focus stems "mostly" from a sexual and physical view. Thus the focus of such training is put on the physical aspects of orgasms and the body. The goal is that through outward behavior you hope to acheive an associated response of a planned or planted thought that the behavior will be associated to. Once this association is met, the desired outcome can be acheived and with a little maintence can be reinforced and maintained. There can be some good things that come out of this if it meets the desires and needs of the two people in the relationship, especially if both are more of the physical oritented type of people in how they approach things in life and is how they measure their own satisfaction. But there can also be some very strong negative effects to this especially if a person is still learning or developing their own sexual identity. the reason why I say that is because this type of training "welds" part of a person's sexual identity to another and there are huge consequences when doing this that will in many ways effect your sexual identity for the rest of your life. This aspect is not just limited to this approach either as it applies to almost all approaches to orgasm control, however this particual method creates a trained response and bypasses many self defense systems. Like I said it can be like taking bolt cutters and cutting the lock, yes you get the lock open, but the lock will forever be changed and no longer work the way it was meant to. This is why I feel that orgasm control should be viewed as being in the advance form of power exchange, not because it is a bench mark in which to measure success, but because of the serious life changing consequences which can result from exploring this.

There is another way in which to approach orgasm control and comining on command. It also comes with all of the disclaimers I have mentioned and I would even say can form even deeper levels of welding one's sexual identity to another. This approach focuses more upon the mental and emotional aspect of things. the idea here is that where the mind and heart go so will the body follow in a natural way. This can be a very powerful truth to grasp and understand not for just this topic but for many other ones as well. Unlike the other approach where an association is made from an outward behavior to a planted or forced thought, this approach forms an association which start from an inward choice of the person making it and then leads to a result of a behavior. The difference is that the person's association is formed from their choice. Meaning it is not automatic and it does require more relationship maintenance, which is not a bad thing imo. It also can take a much longer time so it often requires more patience. The result often allows what I call a natural progression in a balanced way. As a relationship becomes stronger, what we often mean by using the word "stronger" is to imply that deeper levels knoweldge and intimacy have been reached in our minds, our hearts and bodies. It is the natural progression of a D/s relationship that as two people are together they begin to weld themselves to each other heart to heart, mind to mind and body to body. This is the difference between a flavor of the month type of relationship and a relationship that will be long term and most likely be lifetime oreiented.


For me and in my life I try to keep a balance of these three not only on a personal inner level, but also in whatever I put my hand to in this life because I recognise the value of each the mental, emotional and physical aspects. To me part of growing as a dominant is learning to be open minded and not limit myself to one or the other, but to use all three as life demands in order to be a better husband, better father to my kids, better proffessional at my job, a better friend...etc..

So often I see Doms who want to jump right into this thing called orgasm control with no more forward thought than as if they were planning a weekend camping trip. It is clear that they are not looking at the responsibilities of a personal nature that will occur when a person welds this part of themselves to them.

It is for that reason that I advise both dominants and submissive alike to think carefully about it and decide if this is really where you want to go and if so, by what means do you really want to get there? When you get there will it be nothing more than a superficial benchmark or will it be something that is wooven into the very fabric of your lives together?