Coming on Command

[A Desert Rose]

RJ, I've worked all night and on my way to bed. Please provide me with Cliff notes when I return here.







LMAO... You know I'm teasing you, yes?

 

[A Desert Rose]

And for the record, like anyone cares, I've never cum on command, at least not by the definition that I've read here.

I've never had a Dom who required it or even considered it, for that matter.

 

[RJMasters]

RJ, I'd really like to hear what you have to say on this, and hope you'll start a thread in your down-to-earth likeness to share your knowledge. We haven't been unsuccessful, but there's definitely room to learn and improve.

The people/threads you spoke of can be informative, but the attitudes certainly bother me, and I've heard the same from others. New info and fresh perspectives, instead of banging the same "this is the technique and if you're not getting these results, you're not doing it right" drum would be greatly appreciated.

SweetErika,

Thank you for your comments. I have thought about starting a thread on it but decided against it for a couple of reasons.

The first reason is because just like every other aspect of sexuality, there is an individual element that is attached. Thus there is not a one rule that fits all kind of thing one can post. I think one of the things about that other thread that I do not like and I am not alone is, that is exactly what seems to be being advocated. "Just do this, this way and it will work." When some have done it and it didn't work they are met with responses that they must not be doing something right. I am sure I am over simplifying it but I am sure you understand what I mean. So for this reason I am hesitant to start a thread.

My other reason would be because of privacy and personal issues. Again given the nature of the individual associated, no one solution is going to work for everyone, so it requires some question and answer and conversation in order to understand some things so as to offer the right kind of answer that would be helpful in fitting that individual's need. Due in part ot this, some question might be of a personal nature which would probably be better handled in the confidence of privacy. That's why I made the offer to individuals and to couples.

I guess from my way of thinking, G-spot stimulation to acheive orgasm is not just a technique that you learn to do and that's all there is to it. I think for some that does work and many have reported success in just knowing and doing the simple mechanics of the technique. For those people I am happy for them and glad they are able to enjoy this. For those who have tried but have meet with negative or no reaction, I think those are the people I may be able to offer some help by just discussing some things and maybe getting them to see past just the technique alone.

The way G-spot stimulation is often presented is, its like some kind of magic button and all you have to do is push it right and you have this god-like power to deliver orgasms at will. This is absolute nonesense, rubbish and rot.

G-spot stimulation should be seen just like any other type of sexual activity as being part of a whole. Meaning that what truns a person on and triggers their lusts, what makes them hot and wanting. Every person is so different in what makes it happen for them. Sure there are some things many people share but its often the individual likes and silikes which make each of our sexuality our own.

Take for instance Clitoris stimulation or nipple stimulation, not all women respond or enjoy them the same. Why on earth would anyone think that the g-spot would be any different to this? And when it is portrayed that it is some kind of magic button, those who meet with little success at it give up or become discourage prematurely thinking they can't do it. However many women under the right circumstances who may not like nipple or clitoris stimulation respond differently to it when in the throws of passion or lust. From what I have seen, much of what is talked about concerning the technique comes at it from "this is how to really get your woman going" type bravado....when in truth for many women that is ass-backwards as the G-spot, just like the nipples and clitoris for some women are not the way to get them going. Thus part of what I share involves ways of approaching it differently.

Also, something which is never really discussed is the headspace and the mental aspects of it. Because it is seen as a technique, this important side of it is often just left out of the picture. Some women menatlly block for various reasons which is no different in why they might block other things. Blocking isn't neccessarily a bad thing as some women have good reasons to want to block. It only becomes a problem if they express a desire to explore G-spot stimulation further after trying and being unsuccessful and they cannot see how or why they are blocking.

Bottom line is that everyone is different and what builds and triggers orgasms is different. The idea of tossing all of that aside and thinking by placing your finger here and rubbing you will get this response is just plain unrealistic, and very narrow minded. Beside rubbing the g-spot with your finger is actually only one way to enjoy g-spot stimulation as a couple and probably my least favorite.

 

[RJMasters]

RJ, I've worked all night and on my way to bed. Please provide me with Cliff notes when I return here.


LMAO... You know I'm teasing you, yes?

Cliff notes...as folows:

[CLIFF NOTES]
RJ is right and that's all I need to know.
[/CLIFF NOTES]



PS: The three sentences at the top between the dotted lines is the cliffnote version.

 

[RJMasters]

double post...

 

[BeachGurl2]

All of these are really good points. I agree, and should have said so when I responded to your post.

I was trying to add to your point by giving the view from the Top side, if you will. My apologies for not making that clear.

Gotcha. Thanks for clearing that up.



One of the things I think is very interesting about the whole philosophical discussion of 'ultimate D/s' is that every single person is different. You'll never find consensus on the matter because control means different things to different people. For you, JM, cumming on command is just unappealing. For me, it's kinda cool and a little interesting, but otherwise unimportant. If someone actually pushed (that Pavlov thing) with me, I'd be turned off completely real quick. For others, it may be the ultimate. It's really a moot point to argue the merits of it, because ultimately, we'll all still disagree about it.

 

[JMohegan]

*WARNING this is a long and wordy and complex thing-a-ma-jig type post from yours truly.

Wow! That *was* a long post, but well worth reading.

The pavilov approach is a valid apporach to orgasm control. In this apporach the focus stems "mostly" from a sexual and physical view. Thus the focus of such training is put on the physical aspects of orgasms and the body. The goal is that through outward behavior you hope to acheive an associated response of a planned or planted thought that the behavior will be associated to. Once this association is met, the desired outcome can be acheived and with a little maintence can be reinforced and maintained.

Intellectually, I understand how this could be achieved.

I also understand the risks that you mention, RJ. The risk applies not just to orgasm control, but to many other types of training in the D/s and BDSM world.

I do not have any experience with experienced submissives. (My partners have all been neophytes at the inception of our relationships.) However, I have heard from others about intense frustration and difficulties in reversing or re-training submissives in the wake of a previous D/s relationship.

Your words of caution are wise, and I would urge all submissives to think very carefully about the long-term consequences of any training of any kind (not just orgasm control) that you agree to undergo as part of a current relationship.

There is another way in which to approach orgasm control and comining on command. It also comes with all of the disclaimers I have mentioned and I would even say can form even deeper levels of welding one's sexual identity to another. This approach focuses more upon the mental and emotional aspect of things. the idea here is that where the mind and heart go so will the body follow in a natural way.

When I talk about "intimacy", this is what I mean. Familiarity with a person's heart, mind, and body. A connection that can only be forged over time, and only when each person has the opportunity to view the other in all the myriad moods, challenges, and circumstances of life.

As a relationship becomes stronger, what we often mean by using the word "stronger" is to imply that deeper levels knoweldge and intimacy have been reached in our minds, our hearts and bodies. It is the natural progression of a D/s relationship that as two people are together they begin to weld themselves to each other heart to heart, mind to mind and body to body. This is the difference between a flavor of the month type of relationship and a relationship that will be long term and most likely be lifetime oreiented.

Once I moved past my notch-in-the-bedpost days, the foundation for my personal relationships became: control and intimacy. These feed on each other in an upward spiral, and for me personally I would definitely agree that the "welding" you describe strengthens and sustains a relationship.

However, I do know people who adopt a different approach, yet are in *very* strong relationships that have lasted for many, many years and show no signs of letting up.

Familiarity may breed meaningful intimacy, but it can also breed contempt. Fantasy in a relationship can actually have a very powerful impact on its appeal and sustainability. If you never have to deal with mounting dishes in the sink, negotiate who's spending how much on what, etc., then a lot of potential sources of frustration are absent from a relationship. If you only see each other at pre-arranged times which can be cancelled for bad hair days, trouble with disgusting bodily functions, irritation over a stressful day at work/car trouble/whatever, then the image of a partner may be more easily maintained at a peak level.

So, while I agree with your description of a strong relationship as it applies to me personally, I disagree with the last sentence of the excerpt quoted above.

Circling back to your original statement, I have a question.

Orgasm control and cumming on command is basically welding your sexual identity to another person.

I understand the concept of "welding your sexual identity to another person" very, very well. I can tell you from personal experience that this can happen to people on *both* sides of the coin.

But the thing I still don't understand is how even the most intimate heart/mind/body connection leads to the ability to sit across the dinner table from a woman, interrupt the conversation with the command: "Cum for me now," and watch her obtain sexual release. Don't you still have to fall back on Pavlov's dog type training in order to achieve this goal?

 

[JMohegan]

On my honor, I promise to never link to anything at Castle Realm again. LMAO. I have a really bad habit of skimming articles and only reading the part that interests me. The end all, be all stuff just didn't even register with me..I was purely reading it for the method. Maybe I need a spanking to correct my carelessness??

You are hardly the only person on this board who has enthusiastically linked to that site, Callinectes. And linking to is not the same thing as endorsing every word.

 

[JMohegan]

One of the things I think is very interesting about the whole philosophical discussion of 'ultimate D/s' is that every single person is different. You'll never find consensus on the matter because control means different things to different people. For you, JM, cumming on command is just unappealing. For me, it's kinda cool and a little interesting, but otherwise unimportant. If someone actually pushed (that Pavlov thing) with me, I'd be turned off completely real quick. For others, it may be the ultimate. It's really a moot point to argue the merits of it, because ultimately, we'll all still disagree about it.

Moot indeed.

But I do see value in at least noting that disagreement over "the merits" exists.

 

[RJMasters]

But the thing I still don't understand is how even the most intimate heart/mind/body connection leads to the ability to sit across the dinner table from a woman, interrupt the conversation with the command: "Cum for me now," and watch her obtain sexual release. Don't you still have to fall back on Pavlov's dog type training in order to achieve this goal?

Hmmm, ok.

I tried to answer this but I must not have hit it. The answer is "no" on does not have to fall back on Pavlov's dog type training in order to achieve this goal, but "yes" an association must be formed, I don't think you can get around that. The question then becomes how do you form that association and is there more than one way to do it.

In my posts I spoke of two ways in which I think the association can be made. One is a forced trained method, the other is not, but more of a choice of mental awareness and readiness.

As to how, some have a natrual ability to place themselves in a state where they are able to do this. Another way this might be possible is to do some indepth research on "tantric sex". Though I do not fully endorse all there is to Tantra, there is a lot that can be learned by understanding it and tailoring some of the concepts and philosophies in one's life.

I will also say that I personally would never use it in this way in which you described like in a resturant over the dinner table. I know the question didn't mean to infer that. My thoughts are more along the idea of laying together on the couch and whispered in the ear. Or maybe perhaps if done in public it would be more of like at a park where we had our space or at the beach laying out in the sun. I think my intention in how I would see it done does not seperate the intimacy aspect of it from the control aspect of it.

One other thing I wouldn't do is just say it out of the blue. If this was something we both worked on together i would no doubt has a prep phrase...like "do I have your attention?" This would at least give the person a chance to mentally see what's coming. Again this goes back to not seeing this as some parlor trick or some kind of gimmik-game.

Perhaps the best example I could give in everyday use would be....you call from work and just before you hang up you might use the key phrase. She has the whole time to mentally prepare so that when you walk in the door you walk up and just give her one of them hugs where she knows she is being held by a man....and then simply whisper it in her ear and hold her while she does it.

 

[the captians wench]

<snip>
--------------
Orgasm control and cumming on command is basically welding your sexual identity to another person. There both positve and negative life-changing aspects of doing this and it therefore should only be entered into with the utmost of careful thought and responsible perspective and not just upon a whim. the saying only fools rush in imo certainly applies to this aspect of any power excahng relationship, or any relationship for that matter.
--------------

I think this sums things up very nicely.

I made the choice to give control of my orgasms to my Love. It was I who sujested it. He never required it of me before my sujestion, even tho he had of his previous sub. I knew that this was something he desired, but he did not wish to push me into anything. I brought it up because I felt like I was ready to move to a higher level in our relationship and this felt right to me. My orgasms were a gift of my being that I gave to him of my own free will, I wanted him to have them, I wanted him to have this power over me. Sure it has been frusterating at times when he decides to be a sadistic bastard and only let me cum once a month, but that's his choice, and it really makes me apreciate the ones I do have. I enjoy myself more now because I figure if I'm only going to have one this month I'm going to do it right!

As to why I felt this was right I think it has a lot to do with how I started masterbating in the first place. I didn't masterbate at all until I was 16 and my bf asked me to do it for him. He guided me thru it because I had no clue what I was doing. I preformed for him and I enjoyed it, but playing alone still did not really interest me. From then up until I seperated from my husband I would only masterbate if he was watching, or listening on the phone, or occationally I'd tell him that I was going to be doing it at x:xx and so I knew he'd be thinking about me playing.

Some where in there he got the idea that it would be cool if I could cum when he told me to, and he wanted me to have stronger and more frequent o's. This is when he started with the messages in my sleep. And it worked like a charm. Fortunitly for me, he didn't close this message and it was set up so that I would cum when ever some one told me to in a certian atmosphere (and I think pitch which would explane why so many can make me do it even if they don't try). When he finally confessed that he did this to me, I felt very violated that he would manipulate me in a way where I had no defence agaisnt it.

My later play partners have not required commands of me either, until they found out that I could do it. The requirement they did have (and all seem to have this rule so far) is that I tell them when I'm ready. I usually would ask at that point because it felt more natural to me (and a little less embarrasing for some reason). When they find out that I can cum on command, they start thowing that in when they would really like for me to cum. (one instance that sticks out in my mind is a time when he was very excited and ready to cum, but I had o'ed twice already so I was enjoying the feeling of him fucking me. However he was ready, and wanted me to cum with him, so he told me I was to tell him as soon as I was ready to cum. Well like I said I was really enjoying this feeling, so I guess I was taking too long for him and he barks out the command and I find myself a spasiming pile of goo. After a few mins I looked at him and said "you really like that feature don't you" )

It does make me feel like my play partner has more power over me. I like that feeling. And I love the feeling that Master can decide how much I'm going to enjoy myself this month, or this hour even. I think it's just one more way to establish disipline, and because those who have carried it out have thought of it that way, we've all enjoyed it. Now if I became a parlor trick I don't think that would be as satisfying to me.

 

[RJMasters]

I think this sums things up very nicely.

I made the choice to give control of my orgasms to my Love. It was I who sujested it. He never required it of me before my sujestion, even tho he had of his previous sub. I knew that this was something he desired, but he did not wish to push me into anything. I brought it up because I felt like I was ready to move to a higher level in our relationship and this felt right to me. My orgasms were a gift of my being that I gave to him of my own free will, I wanted him to have them, I wanted him to have this power over me. Sure it has been frusterating at times when he decides to be a sadistic bastard and only let me cum once a month, but that's his choice, and it really makes me apreciate the ones I do have. I enjoy myself more now because I figure if I'm only going to have one this month I'm going to do it right!

As to why I felt this was right I think it has a lot to do with how I started masterbating in the first place. I didn't masterbate at all until I was 16 and my bf asked me to do it for him. He guided me thru it because I had no clue what I was doing. I preformed for him and I enjoyed it, but playing alone still did not really interest me. From then up until I seperated from my husband I would only masterbate if he was watching, or listening on the phone, or occationally I'd tell him that I was going to be doing it at x:xx and so I knew he'd be thinking about me playing.

Some where in there he got the idea that it would be cool if I could cum when he told me to, and he wanted me to have stronger and more frequent o's. This is when he started with the messages in my sleep. And it worked like a charm. Fortunitly for me, he didn't close this message and it was set up so that I would cum when ever some one told me to in a certian atmosphere (and I think pitch which would explane why so many can make me do it even if they don't try). When he finally confessed that he did this to me, I felt very violated that he would manipulate me in a way where I had no defence agaisnt it.

My later play partners have not required commands of me either, until they found out that I could do it. The requirement they did have (and all seem to have this rule so far) is that I tell them when I'm ready. I usually would ask at that point because it felt more natural to me (and a little less embarrasing for some reason). When they find out that I can cum on command, they start thowing that in when they would really like for me to cum. (one instance that sticks out in my mind is a time when he was very excited and ready to cum, but I had o'ed twice already so I was enjoying the feeling of him fucking me. However he was ready, and wanted me to cum with him, so he told me I was to tell him as soon as I was ready to cum. Well like I said I was really enjoying this feeling, so I guess I was taking too long for him and he barks out the command and I find myself a spasiming pile of goo. After a few mins I looked at him and said "you really like that feature don't you" )

It does make me feel like my play partner has more power over me. I like that feeling. And I love the feeling that Master can decide how much I'm going to enjoy myself this month, or this hour even. I think it's just one more way to establish disipline, and because those who have carried it out have thought of it that way, we've all enjoyed it. Now if I became a parlor trick I don't think that would be as satisfying to me.

 

[JMohegan]

Hmmm, ok.

I tried to answer this but I must not have hit it. The answer is "no" on does not have to fall back on Pavlov's dog type training in order to achieve this goal, but "yes" an association must be formed, I don't think you can get around that. The question then becomes how do you form that association and is there more than one way to do it.

In my posts I spoke of two ways in which I think the association can be made. One is a forced trained method, the other is not, but more of a choice of mental awareness and readiness.

As to how, some have a natrual ability to place themselves in a state where they are able to do this. Another way this might be possible is to do some indepth research on "tantric sex". Though I do not fully endorse all there is to Tantra, there is a lot that can be learned by understanding it and tailoring some of the concepts and philosophies in one's life.

RJ, thanks for your patience in responding to my questions.

My last one was a technical question, and your reference to the sexual rites of the Hindu Tantra gives me at least a very broad idea what you are talking about here.

This is way, way, waaaaaaaay more abstract than anything I can get my head around. But I have at least read about Hindu attempts to meditate & transcend identification with the physical body, achieve cosmic consciousness through various rituals, etc. So I now understand how the technicalities of this type of training would differ from the strategies employed with Pavlov's dogs.

I will also say that I personally would never use it in this way in which you described like in a resturant over the dinner table. I know the question didn't mean to infer that. My thoughts are more along the idea of laying together on the couch and whispered in the ear. Or maybe perhaps if done in public it would be more of like at a park where we had our space or at the beach laying out in the sun. I think my intention in how I would see it done does not seperate the intimacy aspect of it from the control aspect of it.

I don't play or engage in intimate acts in public.

In my example with the dinner table, I was envisioning one of those times when you are alone in your own dining room and she's talking and something distracts you from the topic at hand and all you can think about is how beautiful she is, how much you love her, how lucky you are, etc.

At such a moment, I would normally tell her how I was feeling or carry her off to the bedroom or take her right there on the floor. Fast-forwarding to the orgasm isn't something I personally would choose as a way to express my feelings at that moment.

But since you spoke about relationships with intense heart/mind/body connections, I can at least understand the urge in such a moment to express yourself in a way that you both find meaningful. That's why I picked that example.

One other thing I wouldn't do is just say it out of the blue. If this was something we both worked on together i would no doubt has a prep phrase...like "do I have your attention?" This would at least give the person a chance to mentally see what's coming. Again this goes back to not seeing this as some parlor trick or some kind of gimmik-game.

Perhaps the best example I could give in everyday use would be....you call from work and just before you hang up you might use the key phrase. She has the whole time to mentally prepare so that when you walk in the door you walk up and just give her one of them hugs where she knows she is being held by a man....and then simply whisper it in her ear and hold her while she does it.

I understand the urge to give her pleasure and the appeal of unique ways to express intimacy within a relationship. And as you've described it, this does not sound gimmicky.

 

[catalina_francisco]

One thing I have noticed over the years is that many who claim cumming on command as a regular part of their relationship are onliners with either no or very limited real life experience. While there are some who are in face to face relationships where skin touches skin on more than a rare or do it yourself moment who lay claim to including this in their relationship, the ratio is far outweighed by those who have no such bodily or physical contact in their relationship. Does this hint at over imaginative subs, perhaps influenced by sub frenzy, lying through the need to be seen as submissive and/or pleasing, or is it for real and for some strange reason much more easily reached by those who are not in contact than those who are? The jury is out here, but I do have my suspicions. I for one have managed to cum to a piece of music (ah, Chris Isaak does have a way of hitting the right chord ) in a traffic jam and without warning, and I have cum with someone on command online once again unexpectedly and without any warning or request from the other person beforehand, and I can positively cum for just about any reason with F, so it is not I don't believe it is possible, just over time I have found it curious there is this imbalance with success between online and RL people and wonder why it is.

Catalina

 

[RJMasters]

RJ, thanks for your patience in responding to my questions.

My last one was a technical question, and your reference to the sexual rites of the Hindu Tantra gives me at least a very broad idea what you are talking about here.

This is way, way, waaaaaaaay more abstract than anything I can get my head around. But I have at least read about Hindu attempts to meditate & transcend identification with the physical body, achieve cosmic consciousness through various rituals, etc. So I now understand how the technicalities of this type of training would differ from the strategies employed with Pavlov's dogs.

I am with you in that wrapping your head around that can be a bit much. As I said I don't advocate all there is or even endorse it in its entirty, but part there are parts of it which if used in the context of a relationship between two people it can be powerful and fulfilling. I am glad you see at least the difference in the approach between the two as that is what I am most tying to communicate.

I don't play or engage in intimate acts in public.

In my example with the dinner table, I was envisioning one of those times when you are alone in your own dining room and she's talking and something distracts you from the topic at hand and all you can think about is how beautiful she is, how much you love her, how lucky you are, etc.

At such a moment, I would normally tell her how I was feeling or carry her off to the bedroom or take her right there on the floor. Fast-forwarding to the orgasm isn't something I personally would choose as a way to express my feelings at that moment.

But since you spoke about relationships with intense heart/mind/body connections, I can at least understand the urge in such a moment to express yourself in a way that you both find meaningful. That's why I picked that example.

I understand the urge to give her pleasure and the appeal of unique ways to express intimacy within a relationship. And as you've described it, this does not sound gimmicky.

I am glad you understand what I was saying. I did assume you meant like at a resturant or something to that effect, but I see now as you cleared it up what you meant by it. I also see what your saying about by passing, but I think you get that I am not talking about bypassing or replacing, but more like adding to.

thanks for the great discussion I have to run and get my daughter to the docs to get her sore throat looked at. I will catch up with you later JM have a good one.

 

[Etoile]

One aspect of "coming on command" that hasn't been mentioned is doing it WITH stimulation. Surely the "wait for it, wait for it, wait for it...okay, come NOW!" version counts as coming on command too, right? (I'm not capable of that, sadly, but it seems to fit in the same category.)

 

[the captians wench]

One aspect of "coming on command" that hasn't been mentioned is doing it WITH stimulation. Surely the "wait for it, wait for it, wait for it...okay, come NOW!" version counts as coming on command too, right? (I'm not capable of that, sadly, but it seems to fit in the same category.)

Hehehehe


I LOVE when some one does that to me.

"please?" *teary voice*

"Not yet..."

"Please?"

"Not yet!"

Pl..eeeaa..sssee...may I cum?" *whimper*

"Very soon baby"

"Please! Oh God please?"

"Okay wenchie, cum for me right now baby"

*purr*

 

[Netzach]

One thing I have noticed over the years is that many who claim cumming on command as a regular part of their relationship are onliners with either no or very limited real life experience. While there are some who are in face to face relationships where skin touches skin on more than a rare or do it yourself moment who lay claim to including this in their relationship, the ratio is far outweighed by those who have no such bodily or physical contact in their relationship. Does this hint at over imaginative subs, perhaps influenced by sub frenzy, lying through the need to be seen as submissive and/or pleasing, or is it for real and for some strange reason much more easily reached by those who are not in contact than those who are? The jury is out here, but I do have my suspicions. I for one have managed to cum to a piece of music (ah, Chris Isaak does have a way of hitting the right chord ) in a traffic jam and without warning, and I have cum with someone on command online once again unexpectedly and without any warning or request from the other person beforehand, and I can positively cum for just about any reason with F, so it is not I don't believe it is possible, just over time I have found it curious there is this imbalance with success between online and RL people and wonder why it is.

Catalina

I guess maybe people who draw really deep satisfaction through written media and concepts are maybe more brain-focused than physical? Ignoring the first probabilities - there's some logic to that. When command and wish is mainly what you've got to work with you get a lot more amped up about those things, when physicality is part of the range of factors I think people get more into that, and when command and wish is just a part of life as you've chosen it, it's more a comfortable and familar touchstone, not an exotic and erotic whirlwind.

I can't help but think about some orgasm-focused stuff I did the other night WITH my bottom/stud touching himself the whole way through while I talked into his ear and how profound it was and how little I feel I'm missing because he had his hand on his cock, but that's just me. I guess I'm not the control freak I thougt I was.

 

[RJMasters]

One aspect of "coming on command" that hasn't been mentioned is doing it WITH stimulation. Surely the "wait for it, wait for it, wait for it...okay, come NOW!" version counts as coming on command too, right? (I'm not capable of that, sadly, but it seems to fit in the same category.)

Yes this counts, at least in my thinking....I enjoy a fair amount of this kind and some other versions like this in the bedroom.

 

[shy slave]

Several studies I've read show that women tend to reach their sexual peak between 35 and 45. While they talk about 'average' age, the range seems to have remained consistent over the years that I've been interested in this. Having turned 41 this year, and knowing my own body, I'd say that the studies I've read were pretty much on track so far. However, it's really a silly thing to argue about, since every single woman on the planet is different. If a woman who is 30 says that she thinks she's hit her peak, well, let's face it, she hasn't hit 40 yet, has she? But maybe she has peaked. And who's to say that at 50, I won't feel that 50 is my sexual peak? Personally, I've never heard it said to be below 35, but that doesn't mean there isn't a study out there that did find that. I've also read that men reach their sexual peak at 18. What difference does it make in the grand scheme of things? Each individual is different and every single day is different.

And every kind of orgasm is different. I learned to cum on command in a relationship for the first time in my early 20s. It was a very intense relationship, very much centered on sex and little else. The orgasm I had without any physical contact was very different from one that came from intercourse, and different still from direct clitoral stimulation. And it wasn't something that necessarily happened in other relationships. In fact, it's only happened in a couple of relationships. Very intense and very sexually based.

Let's face it, a lot of what happens in a sexual relationship comes from what's in your head. It has nothing to do with being a better submissive or a better Dom because you are able to do this. Some women can and some can't. It doesn't make one better than the other. It just makes them different. You might be able to do it in one relationship and not another. There's nothing wrong with trying to achieve this. Nothing wrong as setting it as a goal. But don't let yourself get down if you aren't able to reach it because not everyone does or can. It doesn't make you less in any way.

And I've got to say I love the deep throat analogy. I'm going to go out on a limb here, since I'm not a guy, and say that I doubt any man would think less of you just because you can't deep throat. He's not going to keep you from blowing him just because you can't deep throat, right? And if he does, I'm guessing he's probably not the right guy for you, anyway. I think the same applies to cumming on command. "Oh, you can't cum on command? Then leave, now!" Yeah, that's gonna happen.


Okay, so maybe I should take sex more seriously?

The bold parts in the above quote make a great deal of sense to me.

Catalina also commented that she has noticed it is often people who are in online relationships who seem to be able to do this.
Perhaps it is in part due to the head space an online of LDR needs in order for it to continue its success.

Headspace is something I am interested in understanding better.
Sometimes all the ingredients are there to make me the most submissive of slaves yet mentally I am not in the right place.
If orgasm control was a part of our relationship I am not sure I would be able to get into the right headspace each and every time he instantly said 'now.'
Of course I would like to think I could, but not sure reality would follow each and every time.

There is also the issue of 're-training.' No-one likes to think a relationship will end but it does happen sometimes. It must be difficult at times for both the pyl & PYl to cope with new people coming into their lives with different ideas about how things should happen. If a pyl was so entrenched in a particular way to cum I can only imagine how frustrating it would be if their PYL disappeared for any reason. Of course people presume the PYL may have moved on and they may still be able to have verbal contact. But if they had died, then not having access to your own orgasms would be an additional pressure to cope with at a later time.

Having re-read this thread I remembered a time when I was with my husband and just thinking about an ex made me orgasm right there and then. I was at work at the time, it was kind of awkward to try and explain....

 

[lil_slave_rose]

One thing I have noticed over the years is that many who claim cumming on command as a regular part of their relationship are onliners with either no or very limited real life experience. While there are some who are in face to face relationships where skin touches skin on more than a rare or do it yourself moment who lay claim to including this in their relationship, the ratio is far outweighed by those who have no such bodily or physical contact in their relationship. Does this hint at over imaginative subs, perhaps influenced by sub frenzy, lying through the need to be seen as submissive and/or pleasing, or is it for real and for some strange reason much more easily reached by those who are not in contact than those who are? The jury is out here, but I do have my suspicions. I for one have managed to cum to a piece of music (ah, Chris Isaak does have a way of hitting the right chord ) in a traffic jam and without warning, and I have cum with someone on command online once again unexpectedly and without any warning or request from the other person beforehand, and I can positively cum for just about any reason with F, so it is not I don't believe it is possible, just over time I have found it curious there is this imbalance with success between online and RL people and wonder why it is.

Catalina

i am going to try to maybe explain why this COULD be, if it is. basically, with me, i am 'voiced trained' Master has this certain voice He uses, i call it 'THE' Voice...He could say anything to me in this voice (sexual or not) and i would get turned on, When He 'commands' me to cum, He is in this voice, therefor when i hear Him speak the words in that voice, my mind or whatever associates it with cumming. now why i think it may be done more online/phone than RL....and of course it's my opinion, is because that voice is all you have, there are no other distractions, and of course it does carry over RL also, or atleast it did for me, but maybe the ones it works for online, if they were put in a RL situation, maybe it wouldn't work then? i don't know..this is just my thoughts and ideas on the subject and i truly hope they made sense to someone

 

[SweetErika]

SweetErika,

Thank you for your comments. I have thought about starting a thread on it but decided against it for a couple of reasons.

<snip>

Thanks for the reply, RJ. I definitely understand and respect your points and decision. I suppose I see threads as resources that can save time, and tend to assume points like yours, even when they're not explicitly stated by those sharing their knowledge (though that's never a bad idea, IMO). As for privacy, I'm used to taking specifics that are too personal to PM or email, although I try to be as open and share as much as I'm comfortable with on the board because I've heard and experienced how helpful doing so can be to others.

I'm NOT arguing or trying to change your mind, just sharing my POV. I'd still like to hear your thoughts, so you can expect a PM after the holidays.

 

[RJMasters]

Thanks for the reply, RJ. I definitely understand and respect your points and decision. I suppose I see threads as resources that can save time, and tend to assume points like yours, even when they're not explicitly stated by those sharing their knowledge (though that's never a bad idea, IMO). As for privacy, I'm used to taking specifics that are too personal to PM or email, although I try to be as open and share as much as I'm comfortable with on the board because I've heard and experienced how helpful doing so can be to others.

I'm NOT arguing or trying to change your mind, just sharing my POV. I'd still like to hear your thoughts, so you can expect a PM after the holidays.

Fair enough. I understand and appreciate your POV. Perhaps there are ways to create a thread on it if it is approached in the right way. I will certainly give it more consideration and thought. Have a great holiday season.

 

[neonflux]

While I quite enjoy the feeling of a G-spot orgasm, if I'm stimulated on my G-spot for too long or too regularly, I end up with a painful UTI. So even though it feels quite enjoyable at the time, it's not something I've had a lot of long term success with.

Just a little health educator note - do you pee soon after sex? This can help stave off UTIs (not just head advice - follow it regularly and it does help - although it can be a bit of a pain when all you want to do is cuddle and fall asleep after... Follow it with a big glass of water and some cranberry tablets.) Neon

 

[Kailey_86]

i feel bad for posting this because the Dom who just released me will be disappointed to read this..if He does.

To review...i lost my virginity not too long ago as many know. my Dom's slave was involved. i mentioned earlier that she is multiorgasmic and can come on command and i wanted to be able to do that too. i also mentioned that i had trouble coming with Him.

Last night i had sex with a Dom that i know in my area. It was just Him and i. i had no trouble coming with Him and i was able to have LOTS of orgasms, one after another after another. i know for a fact now that my difficulty with having orgasms with my Dom all had to do with nerves. i was way too nervous with the slave in the room. i have no problem coming. Yay!

Anyhoo...it's amazing how much i learned about myself, sex, and men from being with two different men.