Companion to the Five in Five

[PandoraGlitters]

It's great to have some company for this round. I was feeling like a crazy shut-in, talking to myself. I'm thinking far more bud than star, Rainman. But thank you for your encouragement.



I'm loving the poems people are writing there. So wonderful and challenging. That's what one wants in a challenge, isn't it?

 

[Eluard]

It was me. With the new finger injury, it's my only source of stimulation for the next few weeks.

Hi El! want some pie?

bj

Pie? Pie?

No, I'll sit out a pie fight, but if you and Pandora want to strip down to your smalls and wrestle in custard, well…just pretend I'm not even here.

That x.2 was very sexy, btw!

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Pie? Pie?

No, I'll sit out a pie fight, but if you and Pandora want to strip down to your smalls and wrestle in custard, well…just pretend I'm not even here.

That x.2 was very sexy, btw!

thanks darlin'.

Pandora is a proper poet who behaves herself, doesn't get in trouble and writes kickass stuff. I'm trying very hard not to be a bad influence on her or ruin her rep.

But you're welcome to come by the bistro and just enjoy some pie. I promise to serve it on a plate and act terribly professional.

bj

eta: RainMan, I'm out on a limb here since you haven't requested feedback, but your piece yesterday about Marilyn Monroe was so stunning, except for the very last line. It felt to me like some of my own lines, where I'm terribly proud and fond of them and really they weaken the piece. I had an old professor who used to call lines like that "sacred cows" - he taught me to be very wary of anything I wrote that was sooooo clever and neato that I was inordinately pleased with it. his phrase, which has stuck with me for twenty-mumble years, was "kill all sacred cows."

Just one opinion. Ignore it if you like. Other than that I found it an absolutely stunning piece.

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Interesting advice about Sacred Cows, Bijou. That sounds like something that I should bear in mind, too. I get awfully fond of something because of the way it feels on my tongue. I certainly wouldn't consider you even remotely to be a bad influence. You are a wonderful influence. I'd wrestle you in custard any time.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Interesting advice about Sacred Cows, Bijou. That sounds like something that I should bear in mind, too. I get awfully fond of something because of the way it feels on my tongue. I certainly wouldn't consider you even remotely to be a bad influence. You are a wonderful influence. I'd wrestle you in custard any time.

Careful, now, darlin'. Hangin' around me can get you in plenty trouble. (say that with an exaggerated Mexican accent, if possible)

*checking cookbooks for custard recipes that serve 200*

but yes, that advice has served me really well over the years. Any time I find myself feeling particularly smug and clever about a line, or even a whole piece, I remember that and put it away for a while until I can assess it more fairly. It has saved me quite a bit of embarrassment.

Being here at Lit brought a whole new challenge to that habit for a while. I found myself writing to the audience in here instead of to God and the polar bears and the strangers in the street, the way I'm supposed to. It was sort of 'oh finally there's someone who would actually get this reference to Whitman' or even 'x will really like the fact that I'm talking about Wittgenstein here'. I had to keep a serious eye on sacred cows for a bit.

How bout I just serve you a nice creme caramel at the bistro and Eluard can ogle you from a distance while you eat it? Bet that would make him happy...

bijou

 

[champagne1982]

Interesting advice about Sacred Cows, Bijou. That sounds like something that I should bear in mind, too. I get awfully fond of something because of the way it feels on my tongue. I certainly wouldn't consider you even remotely to be a bad influence. You are a wonderful influence. I'd wrestle you in custard any time.

I agree and I've tried to pass that on to people in critiques too. Don't be so fond of a phrase, word or sound that you need to edit the piece it's in to the detriment of the work.

A starving Brahman would rather let the cows eat the last barley than to slaughter one beast and make beef barley soup. Thus, try to cull the herd a little so that the sacred and the practical can both live well or so that the poem can be beautiful and the beloved phrase/word/sound can be set aside to wait it's turn in the muse wheel another day.

 

[Eluard]

about Marilyn Monroe was so stunning, except for the very last line.

Personally I liked the last line. I thought that the last three lines made the poem. They balance it out.

 

[Eluard]

How bout I just serve you a nice creme caramel at the bistro and Eluard can ogle you from a distance while you eat it? Bet that would make him happy...

bijou

Ogling works for me — an undervalued pastime of the poor but sighted.

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Hm. Does a caramel creme come with a straw or a spoon? I'll have to work out how to consume it in a way entertaining enough to warrant ogling.

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Personally I liked the last line. I thought that the last three lines made the poem. They balance it out.

I agree. For the record, I had a crush on Marilyn too, though never to (ahem) fruition.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

There's more than ogling going on in the Bistro ..... beware all ye that enter there

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Hm. Does a caramel creme come with a straw or a spoon? I'll have to work out how to consume it in a way entertaining enough to warrant ogling.

creme caramel is a stunningly good little custard dish eaten with a spoon. It's an orgasm on a plate, far as I'm concerned.

Spoons can be very sexy. And the caramel sauce can be licked off the fingers.

There's more than ogling going on in the Bistro ..... beware all ye that enter there

I'm having that woodburned onto the sign outside.
You're very quotable, darlin'.

bj

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Pmsl glad I please !

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Goodness that last one hit the spot Bijou ... if you pardon the pun .. I've come over all unnecessary oh dear there goes another!

 

[PandoraGlitters]

No kidding, Bijou. Very heady stuff. I need a fan now. Or a man. Or both.

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Haunted

Have to say, Eluard, your fifth was really haunting. Especially this:

That is life’s way — it values your suffering,
Has placed a straw to you and sips you through the day

 

[TheRainMan]

. . . RainMan, I'm out on a limb here since you haven't requested feedback, but your piece yesterday about Marilyn Monroe was so stunning, except for the very last line. It felt to me like some of my own lines, where I'm terribly proud and fond of them and really they weaken the piece. I had an old professor who used to call lines like that "sacred cows" - he taught me to be very wary of anything I wrote that was sooooo clever and neato that I was inordinately pleased with it. his phrase, which has stuck with me for twenty-mumble years, was "kill all sacred cows."

Just one opinion. Ignore it if you like. Other than that I found it an absolutely stunning piece.

limb? -- nah. everyone here knows i am open to any and all feedback at any time. good, bad, or indifferent.

thanks for taking the time to give me your thoughts. i'm very appreciative.

 

[TheRainMan]

. . . except for the very last line. . .

Personally I liked the last line. . .

I agree. . .

thanks for the opinions, gang.

i'm not quite sure what i think about the ending . . . i'm too close to the poem now, anyway. only 2 days away. i need to look at it in a month.

i'll figure it out.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Pandora !!!!!!! My taste buds just went into overdrive as did other parts ......!

 

[Angeline]

Dead Man’s Float


There are tricks we need to know,
and I believe in magic.
I wouldn’t be here to pass on the sleights
if my father hadn’t used up a perfect
summer day to teach me
the dead man’s float, to show me
there’s more to it than buoyancy.
It’s a frame of mind, making
swells a palm. A philosophy of rising.

Through me, my children will know
that the dead still have something
to teach about living. They talk
from the dirt because you can’t bury words.

Tell them about trains and hobos, he said
and says now from the ground
as I leave him the lilacs
he taught me to grow. Tell them

what men searched for riding the rails.
They need to know rebirth
is never one too many towns away.
Make them understand why
they wouldn’t pay the fare, why salvation
must not be priced. And survival—

teach them to search, to find the way
to a soft kiss at midnight,
to hands that slip under
and hold your head up like the sea.

.

This is wonderful. Lush and economical at once. Really excellent tight writing. The last line is not quite there, and I think it's the "like." I've got the image (which is perfect), but that analogy doesn't quite describe it. I know you'll tinker and get it just right, but I wanted to add my two cents.

And bijou wrote a glosa! I've got to remember to read that thread every day.

 

[Angeline]

She walks in mystery,
stepping lightly over flowers I cannot see.
Dancing with vapours,
two steps ahead of what I know,
she hears the music of the leaves.

I am a breath of bark and stone,
and mark ancient ryhthms on the drum of her back.

She leaps through the window and carries me with her,
my thoughts seeking footsteps my feet will not follow.
Always ahead, dancing, laughing,
she knows the path
but does not show me.

Excuse me? Are you the person who said what you write isn't poetry? There are some wonderful images here (hearing music of leaves, a breath of bark and stone) that work because they're so sensual and convey it to the reader without explaining it. For a "non-poet," you've got the metaphor thing going quite well!

Would I edit? Yes, (but to know me is to know I want to edit everything) but relatively little and mostly where lines break. Really it's a lovely piece of writing.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I second that all of what she said

 

[unpredictablebijou]

I second that all of what she said

Indeed.

I wonder if Homburg realizes he has to do that again for four more days...


bj

 

[Homburg]

I didn't even realise this thread existed. I am such a tyro.

Excuse me? Are you the person who said what you write isn't poetry? There are some wonderful images here (hearing music of leaves, a breath of bark and stone) that work because they're so sensual and convey it to the reader without explaining it. For a "non-poet," you've got the metaphor thing going quite well!

Would I edit? Yes, (but to know me is to know I want to edit everything) but relatively little and mostly where lines break. Really it's a lovely piece of writing.

Thank you, honestly. I did edit it. I felt the first two lines were weak, and ditched them. Cleaned up the final line a bit. It presents the mixed emotion I want a bit better.

And the "breath of bark and stone" line was whispers up my spine when it popped into being. I was hoping that it would read well because internally, it glowed.

-----

I second that all of what she said

Thank you as well, UYS. Y'all are making me blush.

-----

Indeed.

I wonder if Homburg realizes he has to do that again for four more days...


bj

Well, I doubt that I can do that again, but I'll do something else. The trick for me is a minimum of editting and second guessing.

Thank you. Really, I'm blushing.

 

[TheRainMan]

This is wonderful. Lush and economical at once. Really excellent tight writing. The last line is not quite there, and I think it's the "like." I've got the image (which is perfect), but that analogy doesn't quite describe it. I know you'll tinker and get it just right, but I wanted to add my two cents.

thanks, Ange . . . always good to know how you view a piece.

happy February, up there in coldsville.