Defining Love

[Denae]

Cate, as always there is much wisdom in your post. Love is rarely enough, in fact. Making a successful relationship takes much commitment, a willingness to make and accept mistakes, and a certain amount of luck.

In one of my most profound moments of self-awareness I realized how much I wanted to learn how to love a certain someone. It wasn't how much I wanted to love her or how much I thought that I already loved her. Instead, the insight was that I wanted to learn to love her. I was very fortunate to receive that bit of insight because it helped me see that love was a journey, a journey that two take together. Over time, if you pay attention properly, you learn how to walk together in harmony. You learn that even when you wander off the joint path for a bit, you're still on the journey together. Where the two of you end up is always going to be a mystery, so it matters most that you accept the journey and learn to walk well together.

I'm rambling again...sorry.

Yank, this passage is something that I'll hold with me for a long, long time to come. I can't explain it here, but I'm glad you put this insight out here.

 

[sinnamongyrl]

.



To begin: What is your definition of love?

What experiences helped shape your definition?

What have you read that helped form your definition?

Taking familial love as a given, what other forms of love can you identify?

What are the limits on loving? Can we love more than one person at a time (again, all outside the category of familial love)?

What freedom do we gain through love? What constraints do we take on through love?

What is the difference between being in love and loving someone?

still trying to make sense of this.I dont know that I can put it into words.And as far as expariences that have helped me shape the definiton,,,i think it would be only the times that i have actually been in love,,which has been few and far between.Other kinds of love wouldbe(besides famiilal love,,,love for a friend,,,not romantic love,or a sexual love,,BUT a love for that person)LIMITS?mm...noo,,I could NOT myself love more than one person at a time,I cannot say no one else could,BUt the way i love and feel about love,,,IT would have to be one person at a time,I dont know if there is a differnece between loving someone and being in love,WHen i love you,,i love ALL of you.EVERY litlle thing,I love deeply and completely.True and honest.Pure i guess.My love is patient and non judging.My love does not tether you to me 24 hours a day.I want you to enjoy life with me BUT also enjoy your own things as well.My love is also concerned with your happiness and pleasure.As open sexually as i am...love only deepens that.when i love you,,I trust you.Well,,answered a few more of the OP..but dont think i have defined it yet,,,,,lol...thinking it over,,will come back to this,I do like this thread.

 

[midwestyankee]

Yank, this passage is something that I'll hold with me for a long, long time to come. I can't explain it here, but I'm glad you put this insight out here.

Thank you, Denae.

 

[it_matters]

Cate, as always there is much wisdom in your post. Love is rarely enough, in fact. Making a successful relationship takes much commitment, a willingness to make and accept mistakes, and a certain amount of luck.

In one of my most profound moments of self-awareness I realized how much I wanted to learn how to love a certain someone. It wasn't how much I wanted to love her or how much I thought that I already loved her. Instead, the insight was that I wanted to learn to love her. I was very fortunate to receive that bit of insight because it helped me see that love was a journey, a journey that two take together. Over time, if you pay attention properly, you learn how to walk together in harmony. You learn that even when you wander off the joint path for a bit, you're still on the journey together. Where the two of you end up is always going to be a mystery, so it matters most that you accept the journey and learn to walk well together.

I'm rambling again...sorry.

That didn't sound rambly at all, Yank... very well spoken.

I have really lived that with my partners -- and yes that is plural. Seems that both partners have got to learn (such a good word, that), have got to learn how to accept the times when the proximity isn;t as close -- when one is moving faster or slower than the other. An amazing dance.

But the mother of my children and I... -sigh-.

There can be a place -- there has been for so many -- where one or both of your realize that a certain kind of love is no longer tenable. How hard do you have to work to keep it alight, and for how long?

The beautiful and achingly poignant facets of a life: there are as many loves as there are couples, and for each couple there are as many loves as there are moments! Now we are separate, but have a love of friends... friends who have travelled together come of the most incredible passages possible in life. What do you do with that? The definitions of love, as soon as paper walls have been erected around them, are as quickly burned down, and you are left hanging out in the open fields again... and love getting bigger and becoming Love, then bigger again to become LOVE, and then LOVE?

 

[Cathleen]

<snip>
What do you do with that? The definitions of love, as soon as paper walls have been erected around them, are as quickly burned down, and you are left hanging out in the open fields again

I like what you said very much. I am beginning to think to love, to live and love, is like adding onto a home. A key would be that each 'room' is accessible and the walls don't get in the way or hide things. I can sometimes see where I use walls, other times I don't notice.

Really nice post it_matter, thanks.

 

[ZGuy32]

But what can one do when love is pushed down and killed for you by the one you cared for....

 

[it_matters]

But what can one do when love is pushed down and killed for you by the one you cared for....

yeah - ouch.

I fell off my bike once, and landed on newly-spread pea gravel. tore myself bloody and raw, in fact I still have the scars to show for it decades later (I think - it's one of these scars around here). Losing a lover or being left is as though the emotional body was dragged over that road...

but you know, Z, like everyone else (EVERYone else), I've been through that and i still know this to be true: love is your love, it is your quality of loving, not your partner's ability or inability to receive it. You opened up, and gave and gave, and took a time bomb into yours hands, which went off, -boom-.

If you (courageously!) keep trying to open, it is only a matter of time before you discover your own ability to love again, and find someone to give it to...

I believe it because I see it all the time...

 

[ZGuy32]

I know. ^_^ just in the now it still sucks a lot.

 

[Cathleen]

A time bomb in your hand --- what an interesting metaphor.

It sure does feel like something blew up when a love is over. ZGuy, sorry for your pain, even though we know it passes it hurts like hell while it's here.

 

[GiveawayGirl]

<snip>
love is your love, it is your quality of loving, not your partner's ability or inability to receive it.

For whatever reason, this struck a chord in me today. It's a simple statement, yet such a profound thought. To remember this is the essence of emotional survival.

Human nature causes us all to experience a sense of rejection and failure when a relationship doesn't work. Yet, if we've made our best effort and loved to the best of our ability, it's not our fault. Some relationships simply don't work and no one is to blame.

Thanks for the valuable lesson, it_matters.


Hi, Cate

 

[midwestyankee]

For whatever reason, this struck a chord in me today. It's a simple statement, yet such a profound thought. To remember this is the essence of emotional survival.

Human nature causes us all to experience a sense of rejection and failure when a relationship doesn't work. Yet, if we've made our best effort and loved to the best of our ability, it's not our fault. Some relationships simply don't work and no one is to blame.

Thanks for the valuable lesson, it_matters.


Hi, Cate

GG, this should be required reading for anyone who enters into a relationship thinking that no matter the obstacles, love will find a way.

A to you for sharing your wisdom.

 

[it_matters]

I know. ^_^ just in the now it still sucks a lot.

yes, and no joke, Z. philosophy is only useful after you're out of intensive care ... before then, only transfusions. sorry you have to be "in the now", and hope it eases soon...

 

[ZGuy32]

Thanks for the nice word but one never knows tomorrow I could find someone better or anything else you never know.

 

[ewopper]

One of my favorite threads 'Defining Love' is no longer active but the questions and interest remain. Recently I've noticed lots of threads describing relationship trouble, many wondering about the idea of being 'in love' and loving someone. So I thought I'd just openly steal the original thread's original post.



To begin: What is your definition of love?

What experiences helped shape your definition?

What have you read that helped form your definition?

Taking familial love as a given, what other forms of love can you identify?

What are the limits on loving? Can we love more than one person at a time (again, all outside the category of familial love)?

What freedom do we gain through love? What constraints do we take on through love?

What is the difference between being in love and loving someone?

love is one emotion with two sides... the positive we call love, romance, and eros... the negative side we call hate , mistrust, and anger even indifference
my definition wasformed by love experiences in my youthful adulthood.
most of the things I've read had little impact, if any they were just someone's advice that didn't pertain to me
Platonic love, I have friendships with more than a few women, we can go to dinner, a movie, theater, etc. with no romantic coercion. Then there's secret love where I can love someone but never reveal it because the cons she displays outweigh the pros.

Sadly to say in mty opinion,we are only free until we fall in love with someone.
iin doing so we become captive to our ideas on how to please them. should the relationship fail we are captive to the thoughts of what could have been.

 

[wicked woman]

....

Sadly to say in mty opinion,we are only free until we fall in love with someone.
iin doing so we become captive to our ideas on how to please them. should the relationship fail we are captive to the thoughts of what could have been.

May I ask why you say we aren't free once we fall in love...that we're captives to our ideas on how to please them? It isn't always our choice when we fall in love...but isn't it our choice whether we choose to act on it? If so, how can we be captive if it's a decision of our own free will? Or are you suggesting that once we start pleasing them...it is addictive?

The same to being captive to thoughts of what have been...although difficult perhaps...is it not possible to control our thoughts?

 

[shell seeker2]

May I ask why you say we aren't free once we fall in love...that we're captives to our ideas on how to please them? It isn't always our choice when we fall in love...but isn't it our choice whether we choose to act on it? If so, how can we be captive if it's a decision of our own free will? Or are you suggesting that once we start pleasing them...it is addictive?

The same to being captive to thoughts of what have been...although difficult perhaps...is it not possible to control our thoughts?

I don't think that it's that we aren't "free" however, there definitely comes a lot of merging of ideas, values, hobbies, etc. I personally feel that you should never be "captured" just enhanced, with broader horizons. I feel that it also makes you more of yourself in most cases. It took me a long time to realize this, and I believe it has made me an even happier, healthier person. You must always be true to yourself.

 

[GiveawayGirl]

GG, this should be required reading for anyone who enters into a relationship thinking that no matter the obstacles, love will find a way.

A to you for sharing your wisdom.

High praise from the original guru of love defined. Thanks, Yankster.

 

[midwestyankee]

High praise from the original guru of love defined. Thanks, Yankster.

Just the truth, ma'am. Just the truth.

 

[bobsgirl]

May I ask why you say we aren't free once we fall in love...that we're captives to our ideas on how to please them? It isn't always our choice when we fall in love...but isn't it our choice whether we choose to act on it? If so, how can we be captive if it's a decision of our own free will? Or are you suggesting that once we start pleasing them...it is addictive?

The same to being captive to thoughts of what have been...although difficult perhaps...is it not possible to control our thoughts?

Interesting, WW. It may be our choice whether to act on it or not, to keep it secret or not, but if the love is there, we still know it. To me, that's the big thing. If I know I love someone, then I am bound to try and do things to please the object of that love. I admit, it's gotten me into trouble a time or two.

And I suppose it is possible to control our thoughts, but not without a great deal of will power and work. When I figure out how to do it, I'll let you know.

 

[pleasteasme]

GG, this should be required reading for anyone who enters into a relationship thinking that no matter the obstacles, love will find a way.

A to you for sharing your wisdom.

Great!

Now you tell me? I've been delusional all this time...no wonder I am single!

 

[midwestyankee]

Just a thought to bump one of my favorite threads.

Recently I've been pondering on love again, and one facet that has been appearing in my thoughts is that love is adaptable.

Any stories or comments to support or refute this?

 

[wicked woman]

Just a thought to bump one of my favorite threads.

Recently I've been pondering on love again, and one facet that has been appearing in my thoughts is that love is adaptable.

Any stories or comments to support or refute this?

Well considering the number of divorces over couples that 'grow apart' I think there is lots of evidence to support this one. The only thing that's certain is change in our lives...if we can't adapt, aren't we lost?

 

[GiveawayGirl]

Well considering the number of divorces over couples that 'grow apart' I think there is lots of evidence to support this one. The only thing that's certain is change in our lives...if we can't adapt, aren't we lost?

WW, my friend- I'm so confused by what you wrote here.

How does the high number of couples that grow apart support the adaptability of love?

And is it really love that is adaptable? Wouldn't it be more accurate to say that people need to be able to adapt and change?

 

[midwestyankee]

<snip>

And is it really love that is adaptable? Wouldn't it be more accurate to say that people need to be able to adapt and change?

GG, my friend, good to see you here. I'll take the rap for suggesting that love is adaptable and not, more accurately, the people who do the loving. I was merely copying the style of Paul in his much-read epistle to the Corinthians.

 

[wicked woman]

WW, my friend- I'm so confused by what you wrote here.

How does the high number of couples that grow apart support the adaptability of love?

And is it really love that is adaptable? Wouldn't it be more accurate to say that people need to be able to adapt and change?

Allowing Yank's comment above....I think my logic was kind of... love is adaptability...people come together in love but grow apart as time goes on....not growing in the same direct proportion...their love fading...not being able to adapt to each other.....often separating...whether physically in divorce...or in some other less complete fashion.

Does that make any sense GG?