Depression. Anxiety. Panic Attacks. etc

[Ibsen]

my computer just broke so i have nothing to do at all to even pass time anymore

its really boring, ima go nuts ><

wish something ealse was interesting but o well

i have no money to replace or fix it either and im stuck with this comp that cant do anything and leaves me hanging

Borrow a book at the library.

I am currently reading/trying to read Jurrasic Park, by Micheal Crichton. Its so much better then the movie. I can tell you that. And Malcolm is SO much funnier there also.

 

[bertrande]

I am going through a stage now that I tend to refer to as my 'abstract suicidal stage' due to the fact that I am feeling so low I wish I was not here.


I don't want to do harm to myself but I figure if I died in a car accident it wouldn't be a bad thing - or run over by a bus, shot at work, something like that.

I have a reasonably good life - happily single mum of 3 girls, work part time, am involved with a man and things seem good but I just feel wierd......


......like I shouldn't be here or something. I am seeing a counsellor so I have support and I have very supportive friends. Does anyone else get like this....



....You don't want to kill yourself, but you wouldn't mind dying?


How do you deal with it?

 

[Salv]

Borrow a book at the library.

I am currently reading/trying to read Jurrasic Park, by Micheal Crichton. Its so much better then the movie. I can tell you that. And Malcolm is SO much funnier there also.

reading is uninteresting

 

[MercyMia]

I am going through a stage now that I tend to refer to as my 'abstract suicidal stage' due to the fact that I am feeling so low I wish I was not here.


I don't want to do harm to myself but I figure if I died in a car accident it wouldn't be a bad thing - or run over by a bus, shot at work, something like that.

I have a reasonably good life - happily single mum of 3 girls, work part time, am involved with a man and things seem good but I just feel wierd......


......like I shouldn't be here or something. I am seeing a counsellor so I have support and I have very supportive friends. Does anyone else get like this....



....You don't want to kill yourself, but you wouldn't mind dying?


How do you deal with it?

Hi bertrande,

That's a tough place to be. I wonder if you have a hormonal imbalance that is making you feel apathetic, like there is nothing to live for. Or possibly you're in low level depression, which is suppressing your ability to enjoy all the good things that seem to be going on in your life (3 daughters, a love relationship, your relative youth). I'm glad you have a counselor and supportive friends. If you go back over the posts in this thread, there are useful links to websites that might give you a better idea of what you're experiencing.
I wish I could give better enlightenment. I'm not a professional or expert, just someone who has the same type of feelings and tries to work through them

Come back and post again. Let us know how it goes.

Cheers,
Mia

 

[Quoll]

I am going through a stage now that I tend to refer to as my 'abstract suicidal stage' due to the fact that I am feeling so low I wish I was not here.


I don't want to do harm to myself but I figure if I died in a car accident it wouldn't be a bad thing - or run over by a bus, shot at work, something like that.

I have a reasonably good life - happily single mum of 3 girls, work part time, am involved with a man and things seem good but I just feel wierd......


......like I shouldn't be here or something. I am seeing a counsellor so I have support and I have very supportive friends. Does anyone else get like this....



....You don't want to kill yourself, but you wouldn't mind dying?


How do you deal with it?

Hi B, that's what I call the nothings, you know you have all these good things in your life, you know you should be grateful, happy, all that shit but you just don't really feel anything. I used to think an accident would be nice, death or just hospital, it didn't really matter, anything to just get away from it all.

Every day while driving I used to pick out certain trees and think if I just drove straight into it that would be it, end of story.
I still get the thoughts but I am learning to realise that they are just thoughts and not necessarily what I really want, what I really want is a way out of depression and I think the mind provides us with a definitive escape.

I have also talked to those closest to me about my thoughts, straightforward and no bullshit and for me it helps, how I am not sure, but verbalising it seems to lessen them eventually.
The other thing that is slowly bringing me away from listening to these thoughts are my own reactions. There have been a few occasions where an accident has been imminent and I actually had the thought that if I don't react I could end all this and yet I reacted anyway.
Two days ago on the way to work in the dark, I came over a crest and there was a tree across the road, the thought flashed through my mind that I was going fast enough and the tree was big enough for this to be the one. I braked and crashed into the tree anyway, but I braked. After I backed the car out and had a good look I realised I was only a few inches from being possibly decapitated and it actually scared me a bit.
I am trying to make a point here somewhere I think Oh yeah, look at your subconscious reactions to things, do you fear anything happening to your kids, do you worry about what would happen to them if you were not here? How many times a day do you unconsciously do something to protect yourself and your loved ones?
It has taken me a long time but I am slowly getting the point that no matter how much I want out of my depression I don't really want out that way. I think the mind conjures up the most permanent solution it can come up with, not one based on reality.


Oh boy have I rambled here or what, I hope you can find something in this for you.

 

[Lynxie]

Found out yesterday that my dad's got colon cancer. Happy thoughts and prayers are much appreciated.

 

[Ibsen]

@bertrande and Quoll: I know exactly how you feel, and I feel it right now. I hate myself being so apatic, but I dont see why not really. I want to study on university, but I have not enough grades and subiects to read the things I want to read, and there is no time left to read so many things. And I really cant get a fun job if I havent studied at the university. I am not going to kill myself due to principal matters, but a accident really would be so bad. It doesnt have to be leathal, just so I could get some peace and quiet and calm around me.

I mean, I feel absolutely nothing, except annoyance and disgust over my situation. I doesnt feel any happiness at all. I used to like playing my trumpet, but I dont find that so cheering anymore. I hate living with my familly, hate my situation with the hamster-weel. It doesnt feel as I am coming somewhere, just standing on the same fucking spot all the time and cant get out of it! Sure, its just ten months left, buit what a ten months! It hasnt gone 2 weeks and I want to kill, or atleast hurt half the persons in my program. I actually think I will if they dont snap out of it. Atleast two of them are really idiots, commenting alot of what I say and shit, and as I am not as calm and right now probably a bit dangerous, I would probably without much problems kick their asses, wich I, as said, will probably do.

Sure, its not much to think of, but I have heard comments about me all my life, and I am getting really tired of it.
I just want to cry.

Satans jävla förbannade livssituation!!!!

Soon I will simply walk right out in the fucking traffic, stand in the way of a 18 wheeler and hope for the best! FUCK!!!! Or start taking parachuteclasses, but forget the chute, would probably not be so bad either. Or cyanide, where the fuck I will find that in this dump.

In any case, I cant go on with this, something has to be done. I tell you that. Juast that I cant move out if I want to study, as I will have so much debts afterwards that I will never be able to pay it back. But I want to leave this familly as soon as I just can. Catch 22, someone?

I really have no light in my life right now. Well, sure, I have my friends in the church, but I dont see them as often as I would like to. Or is able to. And I have to bad physics for the French Foreign legion, and I cant sign on on a merchant ship, as I lack the proper education. I mean, what the fuck is this for a world, where everything you are is depending on a piece of paper!!??

 

[Shotokan07]

A paper is all...

It is funny but it's true. That piece of paper gives us a meaning of self-worth. I cannot advice you to not to feel low because I'm there as well. I've been going to college and every semester I do worse thinking it'll get better. Last four years of my college, I personally have done nothing. I've lost my financial aid and now I'm in need to go to a community college to get back in track. I feel like shit, lowest thing in the world, a total loser. Nonetheless, I have come to the conclusion that it is my choices that brought me to this point of my life.

Its your choice to where you want be in life. Remember, you will still live even if you don't chose one way of life. It is the burden you need to worry about.

Catch 22? Ofcourse. I didn't know the term until my councelor told me about it. I haven't realized it until then. My parents are a big contribution in my life, both for good and bad. It has been inter-tangled so well that I cannot live without the other. Think of it as a rubber band ball, you can pull a strand, you'll either come back to the ball and rip apart.

I've always been hostile around my parents, but I'm trying to confront them. Not directly because that cannot be done. One thing I've learned well now is illusion is the best help to live a life of over-whelming. At least for me... My parents don't know that I slept thru my 4 years of college, what they don't know can't hurt... (yet). All they know is that I've changed majors thru the semesters, dropped some classes, didn't have enough money after FAFSA to pay my tuitions. Its both lie and truth together. Its up to me, to live with this...

I'm not under any meds but self preservation to find happiness. Stay strong and patient, in time you will know what to do. Wisdom doesn't come without time Ibsen

Hitting a truck sometimes... Why? Do you really want to feel pain before ending it all. Don't you think you have enough of it? Here's a thought, just go to a pool and try to lay there, feeling like all your energy, thoughts, control... all taken away by the water. Its a much better therapy than having a truck bringing some sense into you.

 

[bertrande]

@bertrande and Quoll: I know exactly how you feel, and I feel it right now. I hate myself being so apatic, but I dont see why not really. I want to study on university, but I have not enough grades and subiects to read the things I want to read, and there is no time left to read so many things. And I really cant get a fun job if I havent studied at the university. I am not going to kill myself due to principal matters, but a accident really would be so bad. It doesnt have to be leathal, just so I could get some peace and quiet and calm around me.

I mean, I feel absolutely nothing, except annoyance and disgust over my situation. I doesnt feel any happiness at all. I used to like playing my trumpet, but I dont find that so cheering anymore. I hate living with my familly, hate my situation with the hamster-weel. It doesnt feel as I am coming somewhere, just standing on the same fucking spot all the time and cant get out of it! Sure, its just ten months left, buit what a ten months! It hasnt gone 2 weeks and I want to kill, or atleast hurt half the persons in my program. I actually think I will if they dont snap out of it. Atleast two of them are really idiots, commenting alot of what I say and shit, and as I am not as calm and right now probably a bit dangerous, I would probably without much problems kick their asses, wich I, as said, will probably do.

Sure, its not much to think of, but I have heard comments about me all my life, and I am getting really tired of it.
I just want to cry.

Satans jävla förbannade livssituation!!!!

Soon I will simply walk right out in the fucking traffic, stand in the way of a 18 wheeler and hope for the best! FUCK!!!! Or start taking parachuteclasses, but forget the chute, would probably not be so bad either. Or cyanide, where the fuck I will find that in this dump.

In any case, I cant go on with this, something has to be done. I tell you that. Juast that I cant move out if I want to study, as I will have so much debts afterwards that I will never be able to pay it back. But I want to leave this familly as soon as I just can. Catch 22, someone?

I really have no light in my life right now. Well, sure, I have my friends in the church, but I dont see them as often as I would like to. Or is able to. And I have to bad physics for the French Foreign legion, and I cant sign on on a merchant ship, as I lack the proper education. I mean, what the fuck is this for a world, where everything you are is depending on a piece of paper!!??

Ibsen - I am so glad that I shared my feelings if it has allowed you to get all this crap out in the open. I have picked up since I last posted. I understand how you are feeling. I was studying earlier this year and I found that with study, a part time job and single parenting 3 kids I had a lot on my plate. Then a man in my life used and mentally abused me. My house of cards came tumbling down. The study went and I had to slow down - I still take things a lot easier than I was. I figure I can always study later on.

I forgot the important things in life for a while - and still do - my mental health and my kids. It never ceases to amaze me that no matter how bad I am feeling someone is always feeling worse.


I wish you peace and hope that you start to achieve what you want - I tried to achieve it all at once and realised that I have to take small steps at this stage of my life.

Good luck.



And Lynxie - my prayers are with you and yours

 

[Ibsen]

I feel alot better now, changed a class from Cooking to Basic Medical 1209. Wich I actually think will give me more out of school, as I already know how to make food. Still think nothing happens though, but I am hardly alone about it, so...

I dont want to die, but just something to happen. Especially as everything is standing still. And I am in no way bad in school. I dont have any IG (F), and two MVG (A), wich I am really proud of. Just the fact that I got a pass on Math B shows that I am not a lazy-bum, as I dont conasider myself being a math-head.

Its just that... I really dont know what to do once I finally graduate. Sure, I will take the first job I can find, no question about it, but I dont know what I reallt would want to do. And I, as I have said so many tiomes, really want to move out. I mean, if I just had a place to wind down all alone it wouldnt be so bad. I think. Well, gonna go reading or something.

 

[bertrande]

I feel alot better now, changed a class from Cooking to Basic Medical 1209. Wich I actually think will give me more out of school, as I already know how to make food. Still think nothing happens though, but I am hardly alone about it, so...

I dont want to die, but just something to happen. Especially as everything is standing still. And I am in no way bad in school. I dont have any IG (F), and two MVG (A), wich I am really proud of. Just the fact that I got a pass on Math B shows that I am not a lazy-bum, as I dont conasider myself being a math-head.

Its just that... I really dont know what to do once I finally graduate. Sure, I will take the first job I can find, no question about it, but I dont know what I reallt would want to do. And I, as I have said so many tiomes, really want to move out. I mean, if I just had a place to wind down all alone it wouldnt be so bad. I think. Well, gonna go reading or something.

I am a 38 year old single mum of three daughters - and I still don't know what I want to be when I 'grow up'. I have spent many hours trying to figure out what would be the best career for me.

I would love to do something in the 'living' sciences field, maybe teach science to teenage students. But to persue that would take me approx 6 to 7 years at this stage.

The point is that that you may not know what your true calling in life is until you have tried a few different things.

Hang in there honey it will become clearer to you as time goes on.

 

[Ibsen]

I am a 38 year old single mum of three daughters - and I still don't know what I want to be when I 'grow up'. I have spent many hours trying to figure out what would be the best career for me.

I would love to do something in the 'living' sciences field, maybe teach science to teenage students. But to persue that would take me approx 6 to 7 years at this stage.

The point is that that you may not know what your true calling in life is until you have tried a few different things.

Hang in there honey it will become clearer to you as time goes on.

Yea, it is so. Its just that regular teenage impatience I guess (even though I am an adult [after 18 long years, yay!])...

 

[Tap-Out]

I've been going through a real down patch lately. I mean real down. And today is probably the worst day of them all. No reason specifically, but just today it just seems worse than the other days.

I've had a lot of stuff bottled up from the past... 6 or so months that I haven't delt with. Emotional stuff, physical stuff, and just everything in between. People dying on me, people leaving my life, people lying to me, a failed life change, things taken from me, personal health injuries and concerns... hell you name it and I've probably had it recently. Yet somehow I always told myself "just relax, you can deal with it later". Well I don't know if it seems like now is "later" or what but I can feel the flood gates opening up. I haven't been myself lately and people have been noticing it. I'm gloomier at work, my get up and go got up and went, I don't look forward to things as much, people say I'm a lot more down than I used to be, quieter, and lately it just seems from the moment I wake up I feel down.

It shoulden't be this way. For the most part I'm physically healthy, I have a job, a place to live, but even still it seems like everyhing's all wrong in my life. I don't care for my job, I don't like the place I'm living, or my living situation, I'm worried and stressing about a couple of health concerns, and it just feels like there is something missing in my life, something leaving a major gap, but I don't know what it is.

I've tried takeing that St. John's wart stuff, but I think I may stop, as it seems that as I've been taking it I've been getting worse. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've been holding things in so long, I don't know if I can take anymore before I loose it all together. I know I should just break down and let it all out, but I can't. I know if I do I won't be able to stop, and it will just keep getting worse and worse, so I'm litterally afraid to just break down. It seems like I have people who look to me to be their strength and their rock, so if I break down and give what will it show them?

I'm not looking for a quick fix, and I'm not here to bring anybody else down, I just wanted to vent, and it seems like this has always been a good place to do so. Hopefully I'll feel better soon, and hopefully today is just one of those really bad days that everybody goes through. I hope.

 

[JustSkye]

I've tried takeing that St. John's wart stuff, but I think I may stop, as it seems that as I've been taking it I've been getting worse. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Tap, how long have you been taking the SJ? I just told you about it the other day. It hasn't even had time to start taking effect yet.

 

[snowhugs]

Tap, how long have you been taking the SJ? I just told you about it the other day. It hasn't even had time to start taking effect yet.

I used to take SJ a while back took a few weeks to start kicking in, but it really did help

 

[Guest]

Was going to write long spiel about why start this thread.
A lot of people have started their own self help threads and I think they are essential, but it couldn`t hurt to have a place to discuss general issues.

you know....i once replied to a thread about how suicidal i was and at first everyone seemed liked they cared and wanted to help. the main problem is that most of the things they said to do i had already tried. to make a very long story short....i never asked anyone in that thread for help but they felt they had to force it on me.

i have anxiety and depression and i do take medication and go to a therapist but lately they don't help. i've been suicidal for a few months now. i just keep reminding myself that as long as i'm just htinking about and not doing anything i'll be alright. what really gets me is that.....i already have a good support system to help me threw these hard times. i have my therapist, my family and friends.....so when i start talking about suicide the last thing i want is someone telling me that i need to do this or that. i just want to talk about my feelings...i don't need advice....just some days i want someone to simply listen and be there for me.

ok....i've taken up enough time on this thread.....feel free to post what you want

 

[JustSkye]

I used to take SJ a while back took a few weeks to start kicking in, but it really did help

exactly. gotta give it time to start working.

 

[cymbline]

I've been going through a real down patch lately. I mean real down. And today is probably the worst day of them all. No reason specifically, but just today it just seems worse than the other days.

I've had a lot of stuff bottled up from the past... 6 or so months that I haven't delt with. Emotional stuff, physical stuff, and just everything in between. People dying on me, people leaving my life, people lying to me, a failed life change, things taken from me, personal health injuries and concerns... hell you name it and I've probably had it recently. Yet somehow I always told myself "just relax, you can deal with it later". Well I don't know if it seems like now is "later" or what but I can feel the flood gates opening up. I haven't been myself lately and people have been noticing it. I'm gloomier at work, my get up and go got up and went, I don't look forward to things as much, people say I'm a lot more down than I used to be, quieter, and lately it just seems from the moment I wake up I feel down.

It shoulden't be this way. For the most part I'm physically healthy, I have a job, a place to live, but even still it seems like everyhing's all wrong in my life. I don't care for my job, I don't like the place I'm living, or my living situation, I'm worried and stressing about a couple of health concerns, and it just feels like there is something missing in my life, something leaving a major gap, but I don't know what it is.

I've tried takeing that St. John's wart stuff, but I think I may stop, as it seems that as I've been taking it I've been getting worse. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've been holding things in so long, I don't know if I can take anymore before I loose it all together. I know I should just break down and let it all out, but I can't. I know if I do I won't be able to stop, and it will just keep getting worse and worse, so I'm litterally afraid to just break down. It seems like I have people who look to me to be their strength and their rock, so if I break down and give what will it show them?

I'm not looking for a quick fix, and I'm not here to bring anybody else down, I just wanted to vent, and it seems like this has always been a good place to do so. Hopefully I'll feel better soon, and hopefully today is just one of those really bad days that everybody goes through. I hope.

Everything you have written, I mean everything I have felt..still feel. Worry. Oh my. I worry about the smallest of things. Things that I have no control over. But you have to get things out of your system, can’t keep them bottled up. You say you are afraid to lose it cause you don’t think you’ll stop. Trust me you will. I would not let myself cry, I mean really cry I was to scared that I would never stop or that I could not handle it physically- I would hyper ventilate and pass out or something. Well one day I read something and just lost it, I started to cry, no I started to weep uncontrollably. But I stopped, yes it took an hour or so, but I stopped. Was exhausted, emotional drained, but I stopped. And I felt a little better. You got to let things out. Go punch out your pillow. Yes punch out something...Soft. Scream yell what every it takes. Just let it out, let it go.

If you do break down it will show people that you are human.

 

[Quoll]

you know....i once replied to a thread about how suicidal i was and at first everyone seemed liked they cared and wanted to help. the main problem is that most of the things they said to do i had already tried. to make a very long story short....i never asked anyone in that thread for help but they felt they had to force it on me.

i have anxiety and depression and i do take medication and go to a therapist but lately they don't help. i've been suicidal for a few months now. i just keep reminding myself that as long as i'm just htinking about and not doing anything i'll be alright. what really gets me is that.....i already have a good support system to help me threw these hard times. i have my therapist, my family and friends.....so when i start talking about suicide the last thing i want is someone telling me that i need to do this or that. i just want to talk about my feelings...i don't need advice....just some days i want someone to simply listen and be there for me.

ok....i've taken up enough time on this thread.....feel free to post what you want

I hope you've found the right thread this time, sure there is advice here, if you want it. If you just want to rant and blurt or offload just let it flow, if you like, add a bit at the end saying no advice needed. Nearly everyone here understands that we have heard all the advice and suggestions before and yes sometimes they work and sometimes they don't. I have seen a few of the suicide threads, which usually just end up as an argument between differing opinions and quite often drags you down even further. So anyway I have no advice for you except to say we are open all day every day.


Tap, My new meds have taken over three months to become fully effective.
Listen to these ladies.

Tap, how long have you been taking the SJ? I just told you about it the other day. It hasn't even had time to start taking effect yet.

Everything you have written, I mean everything I have felt..still feel. Worry. Oh my. I worry about the smallest of things. Things that I have no control over. But you have to get things out of your system, can’t keep them bottled up. You say you are afraid to lose it cause you don’t think you’ll stop. Trust me you will. I would not let myself cry, I mean really cry I was to scared that I would never stop or that I could not handle it physically- I would hyper ventilate and pass out or something. Well one day I read something and just lost it, I started to cry, no I started to weep uncontrollably. But I stopped, yes it took an hour or so, but I stopped. Was exhausted, emotional drained, but I stopped. And I felt a little better. You got to let things out. Go punch out your pillow. Yes punch out something...Soft. Scream yell what every it takes. Just let it out, let it go.

If you do break down it will show people that you are human.

 

[Guest]

thanks for welcoming me

 

[MercyMia]

Found out yesterday that my dad's got colon cancer. Happy thoughts and prayers are much appreciated.

Hi Lynxie, My best wishes and prayers for you and your dad in this difficult time. I hope the cancer was discovered at an early enough stage so it can be treated and banished.


Mia

 

[MercyMia]

Hey Tap-Out,

I'm sorry you're going through some rough times. I used SJW for about 8 months and it really helped to the point where I slowly weaned myself off. I had to watch it because SJW makes you more sensitive to the sun and I live in the tropics.

It sounds like so many people who have posted on this thread lately have the blahs, you know, that time when no matter how good life is, it doesn't appeal? I'll keep you each in my thoughts and hope things get better...maybe you need a mental break from your routine? I don't know...I'm not there with you physically.

For me, I'm working on regaining serenity in my life step by baby step. I've developed the ability to push back the black thoughts at an early stage so I don't spiral downwards. This seems to really help. The price I pay, though, is that I need to find GOOD thoughts to replace the black ones. I guess I was filling up my mind before with LOTS of black thoughts. One way I've found good thoughts is by trying to do more things, just little things, like calling a friend and talking for 5 minutes or writing a birthday card or cleaning the ktchen sink (yup, even that can be an upper!).

Take care, people. Take heart and breathe well.


Mia

 

[Tap-Out]

Thanks again everyone for the kind words and advice.

The pharmisist (or however that's spelled today) told me that I would start to feel the effects of SJW in only a couple of days. I've been taking it since Thursday night. After reading what you have told me I'm going to stay on it and write it off as the pharm being a twat and not knowing what she was talking about. That happens a lot in a run down-ish place like this.

Skye, thank you for always being there for me, and happy birthday sweethart

Cymbline, thank you for letting me know that it will stop eventuially. In the back of my head I always know it will, but it's always nice to hear it from other people, espically from someone who's gone through it. I haven't done it yet, but when I do, perhaps now I won't be so worried about it.

Quoll, thank you for always letting me come here and just dump and dump. Your thread, your help, and your friendship are all very greatly appreciated.

Mia, thanks for your kind thoughs and suggestions. It's always a treat to see you

 

[MercyMia]

Hello all. Tap-Out, how's the SJW working out?

Hope everyone's doing okay.

 

[Tap-Out]

Hello all. Tap-Out, how's the SJW working out?

Hope everyone's doing okay.

Mia,

Hello there. Always a pleasure seeing you.

I'm not sure if it was the SJW or what, but almost as soon as I started taking it I started to feel even more down. However all the people here said give it time and it will start working, so I'm sticking with it. Going to give it a couple months before I decide one way or the other. So I'm still taking it day by day. Some better than others. Some like today are worst of all. Got even more bad news today that someone very very close to me needs emergency surgery tomorrow morning, so I'm absolutely worried sick about that. I'm sure it will all be okay, but hell you can't help but worry ya know?

Thanks for checking in with me. I hope all is well with you and all your family.

Tap