Depression. Anxiety. Panic Attacks. etc

[bobsgirl]

Okay, I did something last night that surprised me. I told my sister last night how I had been deep in a suicidal depression for about eighteen months, starting about three years ago, almost four now. She was shocked. Wanted to know why I hadn't talked to her about it.

Hello?? Why didn't she ask what was wrong during those long silences? I was surprised that she was surprised. Well, it will be all along the family grapevine by now. My youngest brother is going through some really tough times with it now. The bitch of this disease is, you have to ask for help at the very time when it's nearly impossible to find the mental energy to do that.

My heart is heavy tonight. I can't fix him, but I would give anything or do anything to make it happen. Damn it.

 

[wicked woman]

Okay, I did something last night that surprised me. I told my sister last night how I had been deep in a suicidal depression for about eighteen months, starting about three years ago, almost four now. She was shocked. Wanted to know why I hadn't talked to her about it.

Hello?? Why didn't she ask what was wrong during those long silences? I was surprised that she was surprised. Well, it will be all along the family grapevine by now. My youngest brother is going through some really tough times with it now. The bitch of this disease is, you have to ask for help at the very time when it's nearly impossible to find the mental energy to do that.

My heart is heavy tonight. I can't fix him, but I would give anything or do anything to make it happen. Damn it.

((((BG)))) I'm glad you shared this with your sister.

Reach out to your brother, hon. Just let him know you're there and you care. You're right it won't fix him...but it will help. He won't be able to say about you what you did about your sister.

 

[likes2watchU]

Thank you both.


I'm not sure why I'm so desperate to get people to understand how I feel.

I remember when you wrote that to me. I understood it perfectly. With depression, there seems to be the belief that if you really wanted to, you could overcome it: Go out and take a walk! A change of scenery will do you good! Oh cheer up -- A lot of people have it worse than you!

It belittles and trivializes the pain depression causes. It's no wonder you want to be heard and understood, Q.

Of course, I could be totally full of you know what...

the isolation can be crippling... feeling so alone... for me, i start feeling broken - unloveable - damaged... so i retreat even more... so sure that i am alone and no one could possibly understand.

it sets up a circular argument for me. i yearn with every cell of my body for an intimate (and hopefully sexual) relationship with someone while at the same time any hint of interest from another sends me into a panic.

And I totally agree w/ bobsgirl: the "snap out of it" reactions only exacerbate the entire situation while dismissing the person and their situation

{{{Quoll}}} i hope you find some measure of relief soon... i'll keep you in my thoughts... check in w/ all of us again when you can

{{{bobsgirl}}} sounds like you could use some hugs tonight, too

 

[Quoll]

the isolation can be crippling... feeling so alone... for me, i start feeling broken - unloveable - damaged... so i retreat even more... so sure that i am alone and no one could possibly understand.

it sets up a circular argument for me. i yearn with every cell of my body for an intimate (and hopefully sexual) relationship with someone while at the same time any hint of interest from another sends me into a panic.

And I totally agree w/ bobsgirl: the "snap out of it" reactions only exacerbate the entire situation while dismissing the person and their situation

{{{Quoll}}} i hope you find some measure of relief soon... i'll keep you in my thoughts... check in w/ all of us again when you can

{{{bobsgirl}}} sounds like you could use some hugs tonight, too

That pretty much sums it up, and despite knowing that, it's still damned hard to reach out, it's a lot like compound interest, you don't reach out or respond quick enough and you figure you've already pissed someone off so best to stay away so you don't hurt them anymore. By the time you realise you may have got it wrong even more time has passed which probably has pissed them off for real this time...

One thing that has changed for me (can't say why, maybe it's to do with the sleep issues) is that I find it harder to let things slide, I used to be able to do that, see it from the other person's point of view and generally end up apologising whether I felt I was at fault or not.
Now I get pissed off and hurt, why shouldn't I get an apology.
Right or wrong I couldn't say, but I feel I am in the right and I'm tired of giving in to please everyone. Selfish I know.

Okay, I did something last night that surprised me. I told my sister last night how I had been deep in a suicidal depression for about eighteen months, starting about three years ago, almost four now. She was shocked. Wanted to know why I hadn't talked to her about it.

Hello?? Why didn't she ask what was wrong during those long silences? I was surprised that she was surprised. Well, it will be all along the family grapevine by now. My youngest brother is going through some really tough times with it now. The bitch of this disease is, you have to ask for help at the very time when it's nearly impossible to find the mental energy to do that.

My heart is heavy tonight. I can't fix him, but I would give anything or do anything to make it happen. Damn it.

Good for you BeeG, if the grapevine comes a crawling give it to them with both barrels, if they ask tell them (I know, mostly they don't ask, they want to give you space).
Sometimes we need those that are a bit pushy and buttinski, even if we don't acknowledge them straight away, it's never forgotten.


You know it's a big help to realise that we are not alone, I hope your brother knows this.

 

[bobsgirl]

the isolation can be crippling... feeling so alone... for me, i start feeling broken - unloveable - damaged... so i retreat even more... so sure that i am alone and no one could possibly understand.

it sets up a circular argument for me. i yearn with every cell of my body for an intimate (and hopefully sexual) relationship with someone while at the same time any hint of interest from another sends me into a panic.

And I totally agree w/ bobsgirl: the "snap out of it" reactions only exacerbate the entire situation while dismissing the person and their situation

{{{Quoll}}} i hope you find some measure of relief soon... i'll keep you in my thoughts... check in w/ all of us again when you can

{{{bobsgirl}}} sounds like you could use some hugs tonight, too

That seems to be a big issue for me. The further down into depression I go, the more convinced I am that I am ugly and unworthy of almost anything good that life has to offer. The self-hate is all-consuming. And you're right -- I desperately want someone, anyone, to reach out, but when they do, it terrifies me.

Thank you, l2wu, your insights are dead - on right.

 

[bobsgirl]

((((BG)))) I'm glad you shared this with your sister.

Reach out to your brother, hon. Just let him know you're there and you care. You're right it won't fix him...but it will help. He won't be able to say about you what you did about your sister.

I see you changed it.

I think you're right. I e-mailed him tonight, so I guess we'll see. I have a soft spot in my heart for him -- he's my baby brother, 15 years younger than I am.

 

[bobsgirl]

That pretty much sums it up, and despite knowing that, it's still damned hard to reach out, it's a lot like compound interest, you don't reach out or respond quick enough and you figure you've already pissed someone off so best to stay away so you don't hurt them anymore. By the time you realise you may have got it wrong even more time has passed which probably has pissed them off for real this time...

One thing that has changed for me (can't say why, maybe it's to do with the sleep issues) is that I find it harder to let things slide, I used to be able to do that, see it from the other person's point of view and generally end up apologising whether I felt I was at fault or not.
Now I get pissed off and hurt, why shouldn't I get an apology.
Right or wrong I couldn't say, but I feel I am in the right and I'm tired of giving in to please everyone. Selfish I know.

Always being the one to give in to please, and not make waves and shouldering the blame all the time just keeps adding bricks to that big wall of resentment. It's not selfish, Q-ey.

Good for you BeeG, if the grapevine comes a crawling give it to them with both barrels, if they ask tell them (I know, mostly they don't ask, they want to give you space).
Sometimes we need those that are a bit pushy and buttinski, even if we don't acknowledge them straight away, it's never forgotten.


You know it's a big help to realise that we are not alone, I hope your brother knows this.

Good thing you need the pushy, buttinski friends, eh?

 

[wicked woman]

I see you changed it.

Yup...a big birdie caught me on it and kindly chirped my error to me. *apologies*

 

[bobsgirl]

Yup...a big birdie caught me on it and kindly chirped my error to me. *apologies*

Not a problem, my friend.

 

[Quoll]

CHEEP!
​

 

[Fflow]

I was having lunch in a restaurant today and there was an adorable 4 year old girl in the booth behind mine. She was being really goofy, and driving her parents crazy. I couldn't help but smile.

 

[an_angels_wings]

This is the first time I've seen this post. Apparently I'm a completely psycho bitch. I don't know where to draw the line -- where my depression begins and where my real feelings do. Do I even have real feelings, or are they all being suffocated by my depression?

Please help. I feel so lost. I don't know what to do. I just want to disappear but I don't want to leave my baby. I can't afford a damn thing. I depend on my husband for everything emotionally and I'm just fucking him over.

How the fuck do I tell?

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=676988

 

[Quoll]

This is the first time I've seen this post. Apparently I'm a completely psycho bitch. I don't know where to draw the line -- where my depression begins and where my real feelings do. Do I even have real feelings, or are they all being suffocated by my depression?

Please help. I feel so lost. I don't know what to do. I just want to disappear but I don't want to leave my baby. I can't afford a damn thing. I depend on my husband for everything emotionally and I'm just fucking him over.

How the fuck do I tell?

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=676988

I think you really need to check with your doctor to see if you are suffering from Post-partum Depression.
After reading your other threads as well, it does seem that you might have had depression throughout your pregnancy as well, I strongly urge you to get some help.
Once you know where you stand with that you will hopefully be better able to deal with your husband's issues (I do believe he has some, communication being a big one), perhaps if you end up getting counselling for yourself, you can ask him to come along as support. Inevitably at some point your relationship will be discussed and having him there at the time will go a long way to helping get things out in the open.

I've struggled often trying to work out which feelings are mine and which are the depression. Do I have the right to be angry about certain things or is it the depression leading me astray?

My take (I'm a sufferer not a medical professional) on depressive thoughts.
Deep down we know that we are or want to be good people, this is your anchor, hang on to that, use it as a measure against negative thoughts. "If I wasn't depressed would I really want to do/think that?"

That said, it doesn't mean we can't have thoughts where we are genuinely upset or disappointed, everyone has them. The depression tends to magnify them beyond the point of rational thinking and wont let go of them, constantly rehashing the same old stuff.

I try to take the basics of the thought or emotion and push the rest away as best I can (it can take a long time to do this for some things), I give myself the right to be hurt or angry but try not to be excessive in my reactions.
I think sometimes this is almost done from memory of times before the depression rather than how we actually feel right now, but if the negative thoughts running through our minds are not how we want to be, then I see no harm in trying to replace them with something better.


I saw a lot of things in your other threads that my wife and I have gone through over the years, communication problems, varying sex drives, stress and other issues, the depression doesn't make it any easier and in fact tends to make the problems very one sided, which builds resentment and then guilt and ultimately dissatisfaction for one or both parties.
If both partners are dissatisfied you at least have some common ground to work with, if only one person is unhappy with the way things are I think the solution is harder to find.

I think the first thing you need to do is check in with a doctor and tell them how you are feeling, having a new child in the home is a big stress no matter how loved and wanted it is.

 

[an_angels_wings]

Thank you, Quoll. I think part of my particular problem is that I cannot remember what I was like before being depressed. I think that's why it's so hard for me to remember what used to be rational for me. I can't do it and therefore I feel so lost and have no clue what's really right and what's my mind being irrational.

 

[tearose97]

checking in

Greetings to all.

Haven't been around in a long while, depression and anxiety have been kicking my butt big time. So much so, that I am thinking of how to get into an inpatient therapy program.

While I can offer no solutions, I can and do offer my support to all. I recently found an interview of a local politician that stunned me.....Her feelings were identical to mine. Below is a quote of the interview text......

I want the world to go away and leave me alone, yet at the same time I want someone to look after me, cuddle me and make it all go away and be brighter.
It's like this repeated tidal wave...a sea of emotion that occasionally I am on top of, riding the crest and then it unexpectedly swallows me again and I sink to the bottom.
I imagine this is what it must feel like to be drowning. I'm so overcome I can't breathe. Just when I think I won't make it, I float to the surface again.
But then it's just to bob up and down, treading water and wondering when the next tidal wave will hit.

This amazed me on 2 levels, firstly, a politician being so candid about her experience and secondly because after more than 20 years of on again/off again depression and medication this was the first time I had been able to say "that's exactly how I feel". I have not even been able to describe it before.

Hugs to all
xx

 

[CaRaMeLPoleDoll]

My bit...

Hello all, just popping in finally… I found this thread about 2 weeks ago and being at work can only read bits and pieces at a time… I still haven’t read it all but feel I want to make my presence known.

I have had my own little situational depression episodes but they I have worked through them and am generally an outgoing kind of girl. Depression is prominent in my family though. My dad has bipolar disorder and is currently having an episode. I find it really hard to deal with and even after all these years I still have trouble seeing him in hospital when things get too manic. He is known to escape from hospital and land on our door step at any given hour. He has a lot of dodgy business ideas and is often an obnoxious chauvinistic man when he is high. It’s quite the opposite when he is low, we just don’t hear from him at all… it’s like he doesn’t exist. He never calls us (and by us I mean his 5 older children) unless he is starting to get high. It’s hurtful to be treated this way and it hurts to see him like that too. if there is anyone who can offer advice on how they have been able to cope with bipolar i would love for you to pm me
I recently had some counselling sessions and she has helped me to accept that his behaviour is not all his fault. Him leaving us when I was only 2 was not all his fault. Mum couldn’t handle the illness and he wouldn’t seek help. It’s an illness and it’s hereditary. Unfortunately my youngest brother (half brother, out of the 3 more children on top of the 5 mentioned above) has had some episodes recently and is on medication now. Not sure what it’s called but it seems to be helping this past year.
My younger sister has been through depression when she left school, she had insomnia for quite some time and even though she seems through the thick of it, she mentions her lack of sleep and she gets sick often, headaches etc. I’m not sure if she is still on medication.
2 of my older sisters are depressed too. One of them has been depressed since she was a young teen, she became our rock, she sheltered us from our childhood and tried to block out her feelings, tried to be strong for all of us and it just got to the point where she doesn’t feel anything. She is seeking help and is working one day at a time. But I have to admit she was great at pretending everything was ok. She has opened up to us recently and I try to be there for her as much as I can. The other sister has been depressed since her university days but it was escalated when she married a narcissist. He dwindled her down to nothingness and she has over the years tried several suicide attempts. Luckily she hasn’t been successful. It took her years to leave him and has been struggling every day. Recently she had another downward spiral and tried again to commit suicide. Gave me a wake up call that’s for sure. She saw an emergency councillor who has given her new points to work on (the narcissist ex husband was a revelation in this session) so she has been researching and reading suggested books this week. Fingers crossed she finds some way to cope.

My emotions have taken a beating in the last month. My cousin died of a diabetes related heart attack, dad being manic, my sisters attempt on her life, my SO’s dad was in a car accident the other night, he’s been in ICU and last night was finally able to be woken up, he told us it was no accident, that he tried to commit suicide. Failed and just does not want to be alive… (that’s a whole other story that I won’t go into right now)
I’m trying to be strong for everyone around me and I feel like I may not be able to hold up much longer.

I’m so lucky to have such a large supportive family network. I don’t have that many friends that I can confide in but my siblings stick together. We know how important it is to have each other there to listen, or just give a hug or a smile. I sometimes take it for granted that they are there at the drop of a hat for me. But then after reading this thread (well what I have read so far) I realise I am so lucky and it is so so so important to have them and to be there for them when in need.

I cannot begin to understand what the anxiety feels like for those that suffer from it, but I know and understand the depression side of things. It’s a day to day factor in my life, even though I’m not depressed. It is something that is definitely misunderstood and ignorance is bliss to a lot of people. Unless they have suffered or are close to someone who does suffer from something like this… it’s hard to make them understand. I will suggest that my sisters read through the thread and hopefully take advantage of the great advice and care shown here.

To quoll and everyone else who have shared with us. My best wishes go out to you. As it has been said over and over You Are Not Alone and hope things are getting easier each day.

*hugs to all* Carmy

 

[likes2watchU]

...I’m trying to be strong for everyone around me and I feel like I may not be able to hold up much longer...

To quoll and everyone else who have shared with us. My best wishes go out to you. As it has been said over and over You Are Not Alone and hope things are getting easier each day.

*hugs to all* Carmy

Carmy,
Sound like you have a very full plate right now. I'm glad to hear you have supportive family nearby.
No great words of wisdom, just something that I try to remind myself at times:
Sometimes, the path to strength is to admit weakness

It's hard for me to ask for help. It is at these times that I need help the most. By letting others see me as vulnerable and in need, it makes me more human and more able to connect with others. Those connections are like links in a chain... they make us stronger as we work together. We can manage more because the weight is shared.

I hope you see better days ahead.

 

[Fflow]

As the holiday season looms ahead, I know that many feel overwhelmed by familial responsibilities, and the challenges of meeting emotional expectations. Loss, for some, is also a significant factor during the holidays. I know the loss of my mom is something I feel more deeply during the holidays.

I just hope that, as we navigate these challenges, we trust that help and support are there for us when we need it, and that suffering alone and in silence is not a requirement.

Love to each and all.

f(s)

 

[CaRaMeLPoleDoll]

Carmy,
Sound like you have a very full plate right now. I'm glad to hear you have supportive family nearby.
No great words of wisdom, just something that I try to remind myself at times:
Sometimes, the path to strength is to admit weakness

It's hard for me to ask for help. It is at these times that I need help the most. By letting others see me as vulnerable and in need, it makes me more human and more able to connect with others. Those connections are like links in a chain... they make us stronger as we work together. We can manage more because the weight is shared.

I hope you see better days ahead.

Thanks L2wu. Things will settle down again soon hopefully. the support here is amazing and i'm glad i found this thread.
i agree that it's hard to ask for help. Ii struggle with this even though i know i have it there when i need it.

 

[CaRaMeLPoleDoll]

2 of my older sisters are depressed too. One of them has been depressed since she was a young teen, she became our rock, she sheltered us from our childhood and tried to block out her feelings, tried to be strong for all of us and it just got to the point where she doesn’t feel anything. She is seeking help and is working one day at a time. But I have to admit she was great at pretending everything was ok. She has opened up to us recently and I try to be there for her as much as I can.

something i forgot to mention is that she has had some panic/anxiety attacks that really worry me... she doesn't let herself become intimate with guys lately becaus she started having strange 'freeze up' things where she literally freezes and can't move, can't control her body, just lays there with her face covered until it's over.
She has a lot of nightmares too... she has told me only briefly what they are about and they are prodominantly about rape, murder, death, dad, and pretty much anything horrible that could happen to you or the ones you love she has dreamt about it. It has being going on for as long as she can remember and it's very rare that she will have a night without them.

i can't understand because i very rarely have nightmares. does nayone have any experience with this... any advice i could suggest for her?

thanks
Carmy

 

[likes2watchU]

Just checking in with everyone... hoping you're all coping well during the "silly season". Yes, the holidays are upon us yet again.

Between finances and family, this can be a tipping point for me. Like last year, I set a total holiday limit for spending and have stuck to it. I've done my shopping and bought what I thought would be liked and used gifts. If not, I know that I made the effort - and have provided gift receipts. I will not be guilted into thinking I'm a poor friend or family member because I neither spent outside my means nor read their minds. I will wrap the gifts, but they do not need to be perfect. In fact, using recycled newspaper as giftwrap makes me feel better about the whole thing already.

Huge for me, too, is limiting how much time I spend with my family. This is difficult because half of my family lives our of state. Even so, going to my mother's and staying there for 3 or 4 days is way too much. I'm willing to do a sleepover on Christmas night provided there's not too much drunken revelry (and idiocy). Otherwise, I will keep my visits down to a few hours a day which will ensure my sanity for the duration.

Best wishes...

 

[Guest]

All my friends on Lit,

I am a chronic anxiety and panic attack survivor. I still have anxiety, 'yes', but take medication to assist it in dealing with it. My anxiety came from , they think, being bullied on a school bus for 6 yrs and more bullying in HS. And, 'yes' therapy helps a lot. It did for me, with meds, the other big big big help is a support of your family.

Best Wishes .....

 

[sadangel]

I deal with depression every day. The holiday season it gets worse. I just had my meds increased by the Dr. to get me through this. It's hard. I'm so glad to have a man in my life who understands that sometimes I just need a good cry for no reason and is willing to sit on the phone while I cry. I have a hard time making myself get out into the world. I don't like going there. My aparment is so much safer.

I hope you all are doing okay. Know that even while I fight my own battle with depression, I want to be there for you all also.

 

[Guest]

Hang in there sadangel, I worked in NYC commuting every day 1 hr+ each direction plus a high stress job, it was hard, believe i understand where u r. I had an anxiety attack and then had to deal with the bout of depression after, which i found out later was very typical...

Also happy you have someone that understands.

Best Wishes...

 

[bobsgirl]

I deal with depression every day. The holiday season it gets worse. I just had my meds increased by the Dr. to get me through this. It's hard. I'm so glad to have a man in my life who understands that sometimes I just need a good cry for no reason and is willing to sit on the phone while I cry. I have a hard time making myself get out into the world. I don't like going there. My aparment is so much safer.

I hope you all are doing okay. Know that even while I fight my own battle with depression, I want to be there for you all also.

The holiday season is hard. This year I seem to have found a bit of Christmas spirit, but it dies fast. I don't know why depression seems to feed on the holidays, but it does. I think for me it has to do with feeling like I am letting down the people I love -- like any effort I put forth isn't good enough. Not to them -- but it's never good enough for me.

i'm glad your man is understanding and supportive. That helps a lot.

And I completely understand about feeling safer at home. I could easily become agoraphobic. Being out in the world has never been comfortable and easy for me.