Discovering your wife or girlfriend having an affair

[Nellie60]

Hubby hasn't confronted me about my affairs yet or he might not know. After years together we finally open our relationship up couple years ago after he had a health scare. With him now traveling and working. He let me meet up with a couple of male partner that join us before when he is away.

Maybe its a fetish or he is just looking the other way.

Both!

 

[conquen]

I wish I understood this fetish better. I know this is what my husband wants, but it feels degrading and so opposite of matrimony. When I was away at college, we did not see each other much, and when we did, he would like imply or ask if I had been seeing other guys. It really hurt my feelings, but I kind of see it in a different light now. Not like I am going to do anything like this, but I see it as a fantasy of his that does not see me as a bad person. That probably sounds stupid, but like I said, I am still trying to understand this fetish. If there was anything I could get him to talk about, instead of all the innuendo, this would be it. I have read so many of these kinds of threads, but it still sounds so bizarre. It is like some guys want their wife to be bad, and that is a good thing. Is that it?

Have you shared stories of your past encounters with him and if not, I’m sure he may appreciate it. I know I do.

 

[sexymilf44]

Hubs found out about my extracurricular activities on Skype. It took him a couple of weeks but he’s ok. More disappointed that I shared pics. Thankful that I didn’t do anything in person.

 

[conquen]

My x cheated a few times. If my current wife did in the past it would turn me on to hear about it. If she did it now I suppose I might be crying and jerking off at the same time.

 

[SPARTAN047]

Discovered my ex girlfriend was cheating behind my back, then one day caught her in the act. It was truly a mad experience, felt disgusted and aroused at the same time.

I think it's really sexy but it's a great opportunity to cheat back.

 

[Nellie60]

Discovered my ex girlfriend was cheating behind my back, then one day caught her in the act. It was truly a mad experience, felt disgusted and aroused at the same time.

How did you discover her? As above I had to follow her or spy on her. I was full of jealous and upset when I first saw them but admit the spying on her and the finding out thing was sort of thrilling and exciting. As I watched I became very aroused. These days the more graphic the description the more turn on it is for me...

 

[Nellie60]

I spied on her phone messages, one day she planned to go to a night club and meet this guy ( told me it was a girl's night out ). I followed her there and stayed there for almost the whole time. It was a big crowd and she never saw me spying. She danced provocatively with that guy, drank, kissed and finally leave in his car.

Did you see her commit anything after that? Follow them? Probably difficult.

My heart was pounding out of my chest with fear of discovering the worse. But when I saw them against the tree, I started to get very hard. I must have watched for 20mins as the chatted and began to make out before she started touching him. I was so angry at the same time. By then I was just so turned on and watched until the end..

 

[PapaRomantic]

Hubs found out about my extracurricular activities on Skype. It took him a couple of weeks but he’s ok. More disappointed that I shared pics. Thankful that I didn’t do anything in person.

Has he asked you to stop?

 

[LeaHaven]

Have you shared stories of your past encounters with him and if not, I’m sure he may appreciate it. I know I do.

I never had past encounters. I was a virgin (heterosexual) when I got married. I know that is hard to believe, especially out here on these forums, but I am not sure why. If sexless marriages are not hard to believe, why is virginity?

 

[write_or_wrong]

I never had past encounters. I was a virgin (heterosexual) when I got married. I know that is hard to believe, especially out here on these forums, but I am not sure why. If sexless marriages are not hard to believe, why is virginity?

I believe, because that's how it was for me. Technically I wasn't a virgin on my wedding day, but the only girl I had had sex with was the one I married. And she was a virgin before we took each other's virginity.

A big HOWEVER: I don't recommend it. I deeply wish I had dated enough to learn what I wanted in a relationship, how to act in a relationship, and how to assess the compatibility of a potential partner.

 

[LeaHaven]

I believe, because that's how it was for me. Technically I wasn't a virgin on my wedding day, but the only girl I had had sex with was the one I married. And she was a virgin before we took each other's virginity.

A big HOWEVER: I don't recommend it. I deeply wish I had dated enough to learn what I wanted in a relationship, how to act in a relationship, and how to assess the compatibility of a potential partner.

I don't recommend it either. I missed out on so much. Now my husband wants me to be with other guys, and I always tell myself that will never happen, but I think about it a lot. I think about if it is fair that I have to go through life and miss out even more bc I am afraid to be who I want to be. I wonder why I am fighting this? I am fighting it bc I am afraid of what other people will think, even though there is no reason why they would ever know.

I keep saying I would never cheat on my husband, but to be totally honest, I'm not so sure. I am just as human as anyone else, and the temptation is becoming hard to ignore, especially when that is what he wants me to do.

This place is like therapy.

 

[live4thebj]

It’s complicated. But it isn’t why we had a divorce but was a sign a divorce was immanent.

 

[write_or_wrong]

I don't recommend it either. I missed out on so much. Now my husband wants me to be with other guys, and I always tell myself that will never happen, but I think about it a lot. I think about if it is fair that I have to go through life and miss out even more bc I am afraid to be who I want to be. I wonder why I am fighting this? I am fighting it bc I am afraid of what other people will think, even though there is no reason why they would ever know.

I keep saying I would never cheat on my husband, but to be totally honest, I'm not so sure. I am just as human as anyone else, and the temptation is becoming hard to ignore, especially when that is what he wants me to do.

This place is like therapy.

I agree with your therapy comparison. And in that vein, some honesty from me. Yes, I do miss the sexual experiences I could have had if I had married later than I did. But, what really screwed me up was not learning relationship skills by living with two or three women before committing to a lifetime with another. I didn't even learn what it takes to live by myself as a single man, something that should be accomplished before trying to live with anyone else. Sex is great but even if it's 100% of what both people hope for, it's only a few percentage points of your total life together, and the vast majority of what it takes to make a good relationship is non-sexual.

I really hope you are able to figure out what path to take.

 

[Nellie60]

I don't recommend it either. I missed out on so much. Now my husband wants me to be with other guys, and I always tell myself that will never happen, but I think about it a lot. I think about if it is fair that I have to go through life and miss out even more bc I am afraid to be who I want to be. I wonder why I am fighting this? I am fighting it bc I am afraid of what other people will think, even though there is no reason why they would ever know.

I keep saying I would never cheat on my husband, but to be totally honest, I'm not so sure. I am just as human as anyone else, and the temptation is becoming hard to ignore, especially when that is what he wants me to do.

This place is like therapy.

When you are ready, I am sure there will be plenty of guys willing to spend time with you..

I mean that sincerely as it sort of now or never...have no regrets!

 

[Nellie60]

I don't recommend it either. I missed out on so much. Now my husband wants me to be with other guys, and I always tell myself that will never happen, but I think about it a lot. I think about if it is fair that I have to go through life and miss out even more bc I am afraid to be who I want to be. I wonder why I am fighting this? I am fighting it bc I am afraid of what other people will think, even though there is no reason why they would ever know.

I keep saying I would never cheat on my husband, but to be totally honest, I'm not so sure. I am just as human as anyone else, and the temptation is becoming hard to ignore, especially when that is what he wants me to do.

This place is like therapy.

And I truly believe your husband would love hear your tales of your encounters if you go ahead. As long there is consent and communications you maybe fine.

Dors he want to watch? That will add another layer of eroticism or just hear details?

 

[Nellie60]

I agree with your therapy comparison. And in that vein, some honesty from me. Yes, I do miss the sexual experiences I could have had if I had married later than I did. But, what really screwed me up was not learning relationship skills by living with two or three women before committing to a lifetime with another. I didn't even learn what it takes to live by myself as a single man, something that should be accomplished before trying to live with anyone else. Sex is great but even if it's 100% of what both people hope for, it's only a few percentage points of your total life together, and the vast majority of what it takes to make a good relationship is non-sexual.

I really hope you are able to figure out what path to take.

Well answered. I hope you discover it all soon.

 

[LeaHaven]

And I truly believe your husband would love hear your tales of your encounters if you go ahead. As long there is consent and communications you maybe fine.

Dors he want to watch? That will add another layer of eroticism or just hear details?

Oh, we have never come even close to discussing any thing like that. He just makes comments and innuendo. Last weekend we ate lunch at a little Greek restaurant, and when we sat down at the table he told me that some guys were checking me out as we walked in. I turned around to look, and he was like, "Leah! Don't look now!" So, WTF? While we were eating, he kept looking over there, and he said, "You should have sat on this side so they can see you." I used to roll my eyes at that stuff, but now I'm like, "Hey! If that's what he wants!" So I flat out told him, "I should have," and I meant it.
When it comes to sex, my husband has never come out and said what he wants, and I don't think he ever will. I am trying to lead us in the direction that is enjoyable for both of us. I am also trying to decide where I, personally, want to draw the lines. I don't want to be Ms. Goody Tushu anymore. I don't. But I don't want to go too far either. Is this path a minefield and something might blow up, or is it a maze, and if I hit a wall I can turn around and go back? I don't know.

I said earlier in this thread that I was afraid of what people might think of me in this "other guy" situation, but I just responded to a DM and I told that person that what I am afraid of most is that if I start having sex with other guys, then he is going to want to have sex with other girls, and I am NOT OK with that. I will NEVER be OK with that.

I hope I am not writing too much in this thread. If I am, someone please tell me.

 

[Winchester3030]

It would give me an opportunity to get out of a sexless marriage, but I might want to watch a couple of times to try to figure out what he does that I don’t! If it was an affair with another female I would be like inviting her to come live with us lol

 

[Nellie60]

Oh, we have never come even close to discussing any thing like that. He just makes comments and innuendo. Last weekend we ate lunch at a little Greek restaurant, and when we sat down at the table he told me that some guys were checking me out as we walked in. I turned around to look, and he was like, "Leah! Don't look now!" So, WTF? While we were eating, he kept looking over there, and he said, "You should have sat on this side so they can see you." I used to roll my eyes at that stuff, but now I'm like, "Hey! If that's what he wants!" So I flat out told him, "I should have," and I meant it.
When it comes to sex, my husband has never come out and said what he wants, and I don't think he ever will. I am trying to lead us in the direction that is enjoyable for both of us. I am also trying to decide where I, personally, want to draw the lines. I don't want to be Ms. Goody Tushu anymore. I don't. But I don't want to go too far either. Is this path a minefield and something might blow up, or is it a maze, and if I hit a wall I can turn around and go back? I don't know.

I said earlier in this thread that I was afraid of what people might think of me in this "other guy" situation, but I just responded to a DM and I told that person that what I am afraid of most is that if I start having sex with other guys, then he is going to want to have sex with other girls, and I am NOT OK with that. I will NEVER be OK with that.

I hope I am not writing too much in this thread. If I am, someone please tell me.

Oh, we have never come even close to discussing any thing like that. He just makes comments and innuendo. Last weekend we ate lunch at a little Greek restaurant, and when we sat down at the table he told me that some guys were checking me out as we walked in. I turned around to look, and he was like, "Leah! Don't look now!" So, WTF? While we were eating, he kept looking over there, and he said, "You should have sat on this side so they can see you." I used to roll my eyes at that stuff, but now I'm like, "Hey! If that's what he wants!" So I flat out told him, "I should have," and I meant it.
When it comes to sex, my husband has never come out and said what he wants, and I don't think he ever will. I am trying to lead us in the direction that is enjoyable for both of us. I am also trying to decide where I, personally, want to draw the lines. I don't want to be Ms. Goody Tushu anymore. I don't. But I don't want to go too far either. Is this path a minefield and something might blow up, or is it a maze, and if I hit a wall I can turn around and go back? I don't know.

I said earlier in this thread that I was afraid of what people might think of me in this "other guy" situation, but I just responded to a DM and I told that person that what I am afraid of most is that if I start having sex with other guys, then he is going to want to have sex with other girls, and I am NOT OK with that. I will NEVER be OK with that.

I hope I am not writing too much in this thread. If I am, someone please tell me.

No not at all. You need to express yourself and there is less bias here.

The issue can be guys wanting more, so there has to be a line drawn somewhere that you don't cross otherwise it gets beyond what your intention was at the start.

 

[drobert44]

Oh, we have never come even close to discussing any thing like that. He just makes comments and innuendo. Last weekend we ate lunch at a little Greek restaurant, and when we sat down at the table he told me that some guys were checking me out as we walked in. I turned around to look, and he was like, "Leah! Don't look now!" So, WTF? While we were eating, he kept looking over there, and he said, "You should have sat on this side so they can see you." I used to roll my eyes at that stuff, but now I'm like, "Hey! If that's what he wants!" So I flat out told him, "I should have," and I meant it.
When it comes to sex, my husband has never come out and said what he wants, and I don't think he ever will. I am trying to lead us in the direction that is enjoyable for both of us. I am also trying to decide where I, personally, want to draw the lines. I don't want to be Ms. Goody Tushu anymore. I don't. But I don't want to go too far either. Is this path a minefield and something might blow up, or is it a maze, and if I hit a wall I can turn around and go back? I don't know.

I said earlier in this thread that I was afraid of what people might think of me in this "other guy" situation, but I just responded to a DM and I told that person that what I am afraid of most is that if I start having sex with other guys, then he is going to want to have sex with other girls, and I am NOT OK with that. I will NEVER be OK with that.

I hope I am not writing too much in this thread. If I am, someone please tell me.

Not too much, Lea. If he likes to show you off, go for it! He obviously gets a kick out of it. I would laff my ass off if my date flashed a guy....

 

[write_or_wrong]

Oh, we have never come even close to discussing any thing like that. He just makes comments and innuendo. Last weekend we ate lunch at a little Greek restaurant, and when we sat down at the table he told me that some guys were checking me out as we walked in. I turned around to look, and he was like, "Leah! Don't look now!" So, WTF? While we were eating, he kept looking over there, and he said, "You should have sat on this side so they can see you." I used to roll my eyes at that stuff, but now I'm like, "Hey! If that's what he wants!" So I flat out told him, "I should have," and I meant it.
When it comes to sex, my husband has never come out and said what he wants, and I don't think he ever will. I am trying to lead us in the direction that is enjoyable for both of us. I am also trying to decide where I, personally, want to draw the lines. I don't want to be Ms. Goody Tushu anymore. I don't. But I don't want to go too far either. Is this path a minefield and something might blow up, or is it a maze, and if I hit a wall I can turn around and go back? I don't know.

I said earlier in this thread that I was afraid of what people might think of me in this "other guy" situation, but I just responded to a DM and I told that person that what I am afraid of most is that if I start having sex with other guys, then he is going to want to have sex with other girls, and I am NOT OK with that. I will NEVER be OK with that.

I hope I am not writing too much in this thread. If I am, someone please tell me.

It's obvious that you have given this a lot of thought, and that's good. You can't tell if he has also considered everything because he doesn't talk about it, and that's not good. Your concerns about trying it, especially his reciprocation with other women are totally valid and are shared by many women, probably most. Some might use the goose/gander argument, but I'd suggest the most important goal is mutual needs attainment. If both of you aren't more or less equal in happiness, then one of you needs to give up on something to balance the scales in order to maintain the relationship. Maybe he has to agree that there will never be anything beyond sexy talk, and you have to agree not to be too irritated about the talk?

It's possible that he would have no problem swearing off any extra-marital play in order to alleviate your concern about that. But you can't know that unless you can get him to talk. Not being anything close to a therapist of any kind, I don't know how you might try using an outside expert who could help both of you figure this out. So many mainstream analysts are biased against lifestyles they perceive as non-mainstream. You might try looking for therapists who advertise themselves as alt-friendly, and have counseled people in various kinds of relationships like polyamorous, transexual, gay/lesbian, etc.

I think you should feel a little optimism by knowing you are trying to work on issues that many, many people have. Communication is obviously key, and getting him to open up is a challenge. I wish both of you the best.

 

[Nellie60]

No not at all. You need to express yourself and there is less bias here.

The issue can be guys wanting more, so there has to be a line drawn somewhere that you don't cross otherwise it gets beyond what your intention was at the start.

I personally allowed my ex girlfriend a beautiful Korean lady commit a sexual act on a random guy but I watched. She consented and it turned out an incredible turn on.

I written about it here somewhere. Firstly decide if you both can accept having another person intimately involved with you. Can you personally be close to another man sexually speaking. The reality is often not what it seems. You maybe fraught with guilt or it could desire.

And your husband may not understand the dangers of letting you cross those intimate boundaries as you haven't had any other man sleep with you before.

And of course he himself maybe thinking it's an opportunity to fulfil his own fantasy of you being someone else or he have now ask about himself being with another woman.

In my own situation she consented to doing the deed to fulfil my fantasy and she was excited to do it. I worked out well for us at the time but unfortunately she ended up having an affair with a good friend and we split.

 

[peter49parker]

Oh, we have never come even close to discussing any thing like that. He just makes comments and innuendo. Last weekend we ate lunch at a little Greek restaurant, and when we sat down at the table he told me that some guys were checking me out as we walked in. I turned around to look, and he was like, "Leah! Don't look now!" So, WTF? While we were eating, he kept looking over there, and he said, "You should have sat on this side so they can see you." I used to roll my eyes at that stuff, but now I'm like, "Hey! If that's what he wants!" So I flat out told him, "I should have," and I meant it.
When it comes to sex, my husband has never come out and said what he wants, and I don't think he ever will. I am trying to lead us in the direction that is enjoyable for both of us. I am also trying to decide where I, personally, want to draw the lines. I don't want to be Ms. Goody Tushu anymore. I don't. But I don't want to go too far either. Is this path a minefield and something might blow up, or is it a maze, and if I hit a wall I can turn around and go back? I don't know.

I said earlier in this thread that I was afraid of what people might think of me in this "other guy" situation, but I just responded to a DM and I told that person that what I am afraid of most is that if I start having sex with other guys, then he is going to want to have sex with other girls, and I am NOT OK with that. I will NEVER be OK with that.

I hope I am not writing too much in this thread. If I am, someone please tell me.

It's too bad that the two of you can't sit down and discuss the very issue that seems to be dominating both of your sexual energies. In a way, maybe he thinks his comments and innuendo are an open conversation with you, about taking another man to bed. Speaking for myself, I was very much like your hubby, afraid of coming right out and saying, "I would love for you to have sex with other men." Instead, I would make very obvious comments, about other men checking her out and having sex while watching porn videos of 'cheating' wives. She seemed to like the obvious connotations, yet she never was specific in endorsing the behavior. Like you, I think she found it confusing and maybe frustrating, that I never came right out and said it. I can look back and say that I was afraid of a couple of things, both of which would result in losing my wife. Firstly, I was afraid that she would think of me as a pervert for suggesting such a thing to actually happen. Secondly, if she did agree, I was afraid that she might fall in love with this other man, and leave me. Two very real and consequential possibilities.

Then one day, after a couple of years of 'hinting,' she asked me point blank if I "really" wanted her to have sex with other men. My pause, answered her question. She had two questions that she needed to ask me. She wondered if I had lost my sexual desire for her. Absolutely NOT. Her second question was a page right out of your play book. Did I want to use her infidelity, as an excuse to fuck other women, which she was NOT okay with. It seemed to me, that she might be willing to proceed, with caution with another man, but she would never agree to me fucking another woman. (Sound familiar?) By the way, I did not want to have sex with other women.

Cutting to the chase, an old boyfriend from her past came into her life via F.B. and the wheels were set in motion, resulting in her having sex with him, with my blessings. Are there minefields, or mazes? I will tell you honestly, in our case, there are both. Some are easier to navigate than others, but be prepared to deal with them, should you go forward. Other people 'will' find out, make no mistake. Be prepared to deal with that. Be careful of your choices of the "other man." Make sure to be open and honest with each other, and if there are to be 'rules of engagement,' make them agreeable to both of you. I'm not saying to 'do it' or 'don't do it.' I'm just saying to make sure this is a path you both want to take. There is no going back. Once you fuck another man, you cannot "un-fuck" him. If using this as a foreplay fantasy gets you both 'off,' go for it. If you want to proceed, do so with caution.

 

[write_or_wrong]

Oh, we have never come even close to discussing any thing like that. He just makes comments and innuendo. Last weekend we ate lunch at a little Greek restaurant, and when we sat down at the table he told me that some guys were checking me out as we walked in. I turned around to look, and he was like, "Leah! Don't look now!" So, WTF? While we were eating, he kept looking over there, and he said, "You should have sat on this side so they can see you." I used to roll my eyes at that stuff, but now I'm like, "Hey! If that's what he wants!" So I flat out told him, "I should have," and I meant it.
When it comes to sex, my husband has never come out and said what he wants, and I don't think he ever will. I am trying to lead us in the direction that is enjoyable for both of us. I am also trying to decide where I, personally, want to draw the lines. I don't want to be Ms. Goody Tushu anymore. I don't. But I don't want to go too far either. Is this path a minefield and something might blow up, or is it a maze, and if I hit a wall I can turn around and go back? I don't know.

I said earlier in this thread that I was afraid of what people might think of me in this "other guy" situation, but I just responded to a DM and I told that person that what I am afraid of most is that if I start having sex with other guys, then he is going to want to have sex with other girls, and I am NOT OK with that. I will NEVER be OK with that.

I hope I am not writing too much in this thread. If I am, someone please tell me.

As Nellie60 suggested, maybe a story about a past encounter would be enough to see if his excitement is more than his worry about the other guy. If overall he seems disturbed by your revelation, just remind him it was a long time ago and will never happen again. But if he isn't bothered by what you did, maybe the next step could be a threesome with another guy. Or one with a woman if you really want to ease into the concept (as long as both of them agree not to have sex). If you end up having an MMF threesome some day, his reaction afterward will guide you in deciding whether there will be any more such exploration. I think his concern about the other guy taking you away would be a lot less in a threesome where everyone agrees with ground rules, than something that happens somewhere else where he has incomplete knowledge and no control at all. Good luck!

 

[Nellie60]

As Nellie60 suggested, maybe a story about a past encounter would be enough to see if his excitement is more than his worry about the other guy. If overall he seems disturbed by your revelation, just remind him it was a long time ago and will never happen again. But if he isn't bothered by what you did, maybe the next step could be a threesome with another guy. Or one with a woman if you really want to ease into the concept (as long as both of them agree not to have sex). If you end up having an MMF threesome some day, his reaction afterward will guide you in deciding whether there will be any more such exploration. I think his concern about the other guy taking you away would be a lot less in a threesome where everyone agrees with ground rules, than something that happens somewhere else where he has incomplete knowledge and no control at all. Good luck!

Thanks, in my case I only wanted to watch this ex at the time perform a sexual act on a random guy while I was there rather let go to see another man freely.

Not only did it allowed me to fulfil a fantasy, it meant I "controlled" the situation not allowing her or him to go too far. It was an one off and absolutely no regret. It fuelled a lot of subsequent dirty talk and future fantasies. And I was able to see the desire of another man being fulfilled after see virtually every guy look at her cause she's is a very attractive girl. I didn't want to give that opportunity of losing her if I wasn't present.

Still have rules and consent in place. Choice is yours.