Do you hide your sexual needs from your significant other?

[Vitriolhack]

Yes he’d never recover from the shock of how kinky I am

Lol, you never know, he may surprise you.

 

[givememoresir]

Yes he’d never recover from the shock of how kinky I am

I know exactly what you mean. I've tested my husband by offhandedly bringing up kinks that I have in a context that isn't about me. He consistently makes fun of them, so I think he would die knowing what I really would like during sex...

 

[KinkyColby]

I know exactly what you mean. I've tested my husband by offhandedly bringing up kinks that I have in a context that isn't about me. He consistently makes fun of them, so I think he would die knowing what I really would like during sex...

What about setting up a situation similar to what you describe here, for instance a find a movie that you know he will be into and paying attention to where you know there is a scene in which someone is bound/restrained (consentually) and their partner has their way with them.

Make your offhanded comment and if he jokes it off say something along the lines of "but, what if it was me and I enjoyed that you had all the power to take me any way you wish and that actually made my experience hotter. Would you still think it was rediculous or would that be hot then"?

It is a lot, but you could still back away from it depending in the response. "Not saying I do, but I know some people really get off on that", etc.

Maybe start with the least extreme version of the thing you are thinking of. You can always expose more, but starting with most extreme version makes it much less likely to get a good response.

You are very young to be assuming no hope for what seems to be such a strong piece of your sexual interest. You said happily married in you signature so, I would think he would be less likely to joke it off if he thought it might mean something to you?

I was in a similar situation a couple years back and, while those conversations were scary as hell to start, we both learned a lot about each other. And, more importantly, we learned how much more we have to learn. No two people/couples are the same, so I get how it feels risky.

Sincerely hope you find a way to make some progress

 

[Hipshot1554]

Yes, but it shouldn't be that way. It means you aren't compatible.

 

[Hipshot1554]

I know exactly what you mean. I've tested my husband by offhandedly bringing up kinks that I have in a context that isn't about me. He consistently makes fun of them, so I think he would die knowing what I really would like during sex...

Just curious. When you bring up these things, how do you present them? Is it from a positive or negative perspective?

That could color his reply.

 

[Will64]

Yes, but it shouldn't be that way. It means you aren't compatible.

Yes but the range of practical/possible responses are very different when you are in your twenties than when you are in your forties and fifties and in a decades long relationship

 

[Hipshot1554]

Yes but the range of practical/possible responses are very different when you are in your twenties than when you are in your forties and fifties and in a decades long relationship

Shouldn't it improve though?

 

[Airka4real]

Absolutely not.
Nor does he.

 

[PG564E]

Yes, I hide them from everyone

 

[Vitriolhack]

So, what does compatible mean?

That he or she knows everything about you and all of the dark corners of your psyche?

What if he or she knows 95%, is that enough?

Enough to build a family have friends and enjoy all of the other aspects of life you agree with. Is that compatible enough?

Is 100% truly transparent relationship really ideal? Is that even possible without some for négociation?

I don’t know, or at least, I have not yet found the method by which sharing the extra 5% can be done without some serious loss of the 95%.

V.

 

[Kitschshaman]

Yes. Because she's no longer interested. It's not her fault, her body chemistry has betrayed her via the 'change of life', but still...I've never ascribed to true coercion, so hence my presence here...

 

[Vitriolhack]

Yes. Because she's no longer interested. It's not her fault, her body chemistry has betrayed her via the 'change of life', but still...I've never ascribed to true coercion, so hence my presence here...

Net even a hand job or some hot sexy talk?

 

[PEAKER44]

Yes he’d never recover from the shock of how kinky I am

Just the opposite...it’s the wife that would be shocked to know what I think about.

 

[jcallny]

Can't

I definitely can't tell my wife my secret sexual desires. It's a shame and it causes me grief.

 

[carln3346]

I definitely can't tell my wife my secret sexual desires. It's a shame and it causes me grief.

I can't ell my wife either - it's such a shame. There's a possibility it may turn her on, but too risky

 

[Kitschshaman]

Net even a hand job or some hot sexy talk?

nope, nicht, nada, bupkis. As I said, it's not her fault. Her body chemistry during the change of life left her without sexual responses of any kind, at least that's what she's told me and I have no indication at all that she's being anything other than honestly forthcoming.

 

[muycurioso]

your post has motivated me

We had a minor blowout the other night. I shared more than I have ever done about my feelings.

End result: any improvement lasted a day! So I continue to do my own thing here and will probably stray in reality within a year!

Guilt? None!

His inaction is forcing my reaction!

I better talk to my wife about a few things. But then again, why does it always have to be me doing this? It is a bit frustrating. I have so much I want to say, but I have to make sure she is happy first, by then I am tired and just bottle up my emotions.

 

[muycurioso]

or it gets thrown in your face

I can't ell my wife either - it's such a shame. There's a possibility it may turn her on, but too risky

at a later time.

 

[Vitriolhack]

I better talk to my wife about a few things. But then again, why does it always have to be me doing this? It is a bit frustrating. I have so much I want to say, but I have to make sure she is happy first, by then I am tired and just bottle up my emotions.

@ddbustyBrit and @muycurioso, communication is always, by far, the most difficult thing. But, communication skills is like any other skill. The more you do it, the better you become at clearly communicating. Communication of feelings without using words that can be resentful or contemptuous is essential to get thru!

 

[Jackba57]

I will admit that I have had more meaningful conversations on the lit chat with virtual strangers that with my wife.

Having tried to talk to her about it, I know how she would react and judge me.

I am not unhappy about the choices I have made, but, I am curious to know if others here in the same boat I am in?

Pretty much the same here. I’m 62, wife 67. She has thought sex was over with for more than a decade. NEVER in the mood. Always refuses my advances. I gave up years ago. I substitute with some pretty great peeps I’ve met on here. Mits not real life sex, but it’s far better than masturbating alone. It’s a real live woman. You van actually talk to her !!!

 

[Jackba57]

I just keep my intimate thoughts for myself and very seldom share them, even to my husband. I really think there are things that is better to keep in the dark.

My feelings exactly? Why hurt them, cuz they will be hurt. But you also deserve some sexual adventure don’t you? We are not dead!

 

[sunshinestate100]

I've tried talking to the wife about my thoughts/desires etc, but it just turns into a discussion about how I obviously want someone else and she is not good enough, so I gave up taling to her about it. In truth if she was more open minded and open to trying new things ( even a kiss or hug),everything would be so different

Both men and women have needs.

 

[Vitriolhack]

I've tried talking to the wife about my thoughts/desires etc, but it just turns into a discussion about how I obviously want someone else and she is not good enough, so I gave up taling to her about it. In truth if she was more open minded and open to trying new things ( even a kiss or hug),everything would be so different

Both men and women have needs.

Man, how I understand you. I even went as far as asking her why was she so insecure? Yah, it did not go well. Alas, I have made my peace with it all.

Be well.

V.

 

[Gelista]

Yes and no.

I don't hide the fact that I have a high libido and want to be sexual with her as often as I can. And its her reaction to that which is why I keep my kink and fantasies to myself. We are 3 kids in and she has 'checked out' sexually. She has the Mirena which has ruined her libido. Our kids are quite touchy so by the time we get time to ourselves, she doesn't want to be touched.

The only people that know the truth of what i'm into are the few people that have messaged me here and what ive posted. And look, my level of kink is lowish on the spectrum but it would still be a shock to her system I think.

There are other factors at play as well. Its not just the potential adverse reaction from her, but she is close with her sister. Every chance that if I get a very negative reaction, she tells her sister, then suddenly her whole family knows and suddenly I come across as some sexual deviant and our life gets blown up.

Still, having said that, i'll be testing the waters slowly soon. You like what you like. I have no shame in what I like. I just don't want her to feel uncomfortable.

 

[spawnofdavey]

Man, how I understand you. I even went as far as asking her why was she so insecure? Yah, it did not go well. Alas, I have made my peace with it all.

Be well.

V.

Same here, ends up in an argument about "if you want to leave, just say" which I don't because I love her but we've just grown so far apart sexually.

So now I don't go there, I just visit here, talk to others and fly solo when I can.