Do you hide your sexual needs from your significant other?

[Dt372]

I’ve had a complicated time with how my wife and I discuss our fantasies. We’ve been together 11 years. For the first half of that, she would just talk about very, very, very vanilla fantasies as far as her desires. She’s basically limited us to lights out, bed time, in the bedroom, in bed, missionary only, absolutely no talking, gotten over with as quickly as possible, so her wildest “taboo” ideas were things like “what if we did it in the morning instead”. Then a few years ago, she started sharing some actual more out there fantasies, things like experimenting with another woman. That didn’t change anything in reality for us, but we got some good mileage out of talking about those fantasies and I thought things were looking positive. Then her interest in these fantasies seemed to ebb, and when I asked about it, she admitted she made them all up, said she had no fantasies, and felt when I asked about fantasies I was trying to fix her and she was happy the way she was.

On my part, I’ve shared my fantasies and now I’m sure doing so is going to come back to haunt me. From the start I’ve shared my fantasies and desires, because that just seems to make sense to do with one’s sexual partner. I held back a bit at first on the more out there ones, but when I thought she was starting to open up, I did as well, thinking we were on the same page. Obviously when she admitted to lying about having fantasies, I suddenly felt very self conscious about what I opened up to her about. But the cats out of the bag, so I continued being honest and open. But now if I talk about my fantasies or desires, she just shuts down. Like mentally removes herself, just sits there silently and unresponsive, like I’m not saying anything and in fact not there at all. And in hindsight, I realized even when she was lying about fantasies and things were looking good, when I was sharing mine she never once asked follow up questions or in any way expressed an interest in learning more, and she never asked about mine in the first place other than a very perfunctory, insincere “and you?” after I asked about hers

 

[HornyJunkMail]

Been there, discussed everything and landed in hell. My ideas do not align with hers and it has led to increased distance between us. The barriers raised on foot of these discussions has left me feeling entirely uninterested in intimacy.

 

[chame1eon]

Been there, discussed everything and landed in hell. My ideas do not align with hers and it has led to increased distance between us. The barriers raised on foot of these discussions has left me feeling entirely uninterested in intimacy.

Aww. That is terrible.

 

[Vitriolhack]

I’ve had a complicated time with how my wife and I discuss our fantasies. We’ve been together 11 years. For the first half of that, she would just talk about very, very, very vanilla fantasies as far as her desires. She’s basically limited us to lights out, bed time, in the bedroom, in bed, missionary only, absolutely no talking, gotten over with as quickly as possible, so her wildest “taboo” ideas were things like “what if we did it in the morning instead”. Then a few years ago, she started sharing some actual more out there fantasies, things like experimenting with another woman. That didn’t change anything in reality for us, but we got some good mileage out of talking about those fantasies and I thought things were looking positive. Then her interest in these fantasies seemed to ebb, and when I asked about it, she admitted she made them all up, said she had no fantasies, and felt when I asked about fantasies I was trying to fix her and she was happy the way she was.

On my part, I’ve shared my fantasies and now I’m sure doing so is going to come back to haunt me. From the start I’ve shared my fantasies and desires, because that just seems to make sense to do with one’s sexual partner. I held back a bit at first on the more out there ones, but when I thought she was starting to open up, I did as well, thinking we were on the same page. Obviously when she admitted to lying about having fantasies, I suddenly felt very self conscious about what I opened up to her about. But the cats out of the bag, so I continued being honest and open. But now if I talk about my fantasies or desires, she just shuts down. Like mentally removes herself, just sits there silently and unresponsive, like I’m not saying anything and in fact not there at all. And in hindsight, I realized even when she was lying about fantasies and things were looking good, when I was sharing mine she never once asked follow up questions or in any way expressed an interest in learning more, and she never asked about mine in the first place other than a very perfunctory, insincere “and you?” after I asked about hers

Other than sex, how is your relationship?

 

[ericandshannon]

.....

 

[Dt372]

Other than sex, how is your relationship?

Really quite good, we’re on the same wavelength on all the other important subjects, share some hobbies, respect non-shared hobbies, enjoy each other’s company. That’s why it’s worth it to keep my mouth shut, put on a happy face with the sex we do have, and take care of myself as best I can, to keep the peace otherwise.

 

[Vitriolhack]

Really quite good, we’re on the same wavelength on all the other important subjects, share some hobbies, respect non-shared hobbies, enjoy each other’s company. That’s why it’s worth it to keep my mouth shut, put on a happy face with the sex we do have, and take care of myself as best I can, to keep the peace otherwise.

Yup, I understand how you feel. Know when to push and when to pull back!

 

[Elite_Goblin]

My wife and I discuss sexual needs annually it seems. (not annally haha)

Her needs are quite minimal and a quickee is usually enough for her. She is not into foreplay at all. Put some lube on, she lays back and spreads, pump, done. Cleans up and back to whatever she was doing. Only if it is cold, then she wants to warm up under the covers first, then open legs and....

Yea, she knows my sexual needs very well.
Sex with variety sometimes. Maybe the other side of the bed. Haha.
A BJ more often than summer/winter solstice per year. (and preferably without me asking for it)
Let me touch and handle those great and beautiful boobs!
Let me eat you out and bring you to orgasm more often.

 

[DirkCamacho]

I do not hide my needs, thoughts, fantasies from her. She is accepting but not very enthusiastic. I get the feeling she is being dutiful. Maybe she thinks if she shuts me down I'll go elsewhere. For instance she knows I love to eat her pussy and she lets me do it almost any time I want. But many times she more tolerates it than enjoys it. Believe it or not, guys, eating your checked-out wife's pussy is not that hot.

Back to the question, I trust her enough to tell her anything. I think she thinks I'm a little weird or over-sexed but she has never said it. It's great to have that outlet. We have a great relationship, even though it's unbalanced sexually.

 

[Vitriolhack]

I do not hide my needs, thoughts, fantasies from her. She is accepting but not very enthusiastic. I get the feeling she is being dutiful. Maybe she thinks if she shuts me down I'll go elsewhere. For instance she knows I love to eat her pussy and she lets me do it almost any time I want. But many times she more tolerates it than enjoys it. Believe it or not, guys, eating your checked-out wife's pussy is not that hot.

Back to the question, I trust her enough to tell her anything. I think she thinks I'm a little weird or over-sexed but she has never said it. It's great to have that outlet. We have a great relationship, even though it's unbalanced sexually.

Well, she gets props for wanting to satisfy your needs. I am glad you seem to have good communication together.

 

[Elite_Goblin]

...She is accepting but not very enthusiastic. I get the feeling she is being dutiful. Maybe she thinks if she shuts me down I'll go elsewhere. For instance she knows I love to eat her pussy and she lets me do it almost any time I want. But many times she more tolerates it than enjoys it. Believe it or not, guys, eating your checked-out wife's pussy is not that hot.
...

I know what you mean. Same goes for having sex with a 'check-out' wife. Would rather not do it. (So when she is like that I skip.)

 

[guns444]

The fact my wife is rather conservative and very vanilla is the reason I came to lit many years ago. She would never understand me being curious, or most of my other fantasies and kinks.

 

[Vitriolhack]

The fact my wife is rather conservative and very vanilla is the reason I came to lit many years ago. She would never understand me being curious, or most of my other fantasies and kinks.

Do share with us your other fantasies and kink.

Only if you want to.

 

[varv]

I broke up with my first husband because of such conversations. Now I have no problems. I just know when to talk, and how much to talk.

 

[Vitriolhack]

I broke up with my first husband because of such conversations. Now I have no problems. I just know when to talk, and how much to talk.

So, you had trouble communicating with your first husband that drive you to divorce?

How has that experience change you and your current relationships?
Only if you want to share your perspective.

 

[hulmule]

Saw this old thread, thought it needed to come to the top again. good reads. my wife is in menopause. Ive tried to discuss my needs but fell on deaf ears. years before i was open and she looked at me-" Where do you come up with this shit ? " I thought well i guess you never enjoyed yourself

 

[Vitriolhack]

Saw this old thread, thought it needed to come to the top again. good reads. my wife is in menopause. Ive tried to discuss my needs but fell on deaf ears. years before i was open and she looked at me-" Where do you come up with this shit ? " I thought well i guess you never enjoyed yourself

Well, if you can talk to her, it’s a start. You always have literotica for good reads.

 

[Majorbedhead]

Not after she caught me watch her and her lover having sex.

I have to wait in the basement now

 

[Vitriolhack]

Not after she caught me watch her and her lover having sex.

I have to wait in the basement now

What happened? She did not want you with them?

 

[Acktion]

Nope.

Oh, I have a couple of times in my life.

Way, way back when I was first fledging as a sexual being, I was made to feel pretty bad about... well, a lot of things. So, I did what most people do and covered up and hid.

And it was really, really weird. Because the more important she was to me (whichever "she" we might be discussing), the more I hid from her. And, alternatively, the less of a shit I gave what she thought (whichever other "she" we might be discussing), the more I revealed.

Which just really made not a damn lick of sense, because to me sex was integral to that level of relationship.

I don't mean it was the be-all, end-all. Because I picked up enough scars to figure out that wasn't true. I could have outstanding sex with someone and fight like cats and dogs about everything else under the sun and not be in the slightest motivated to grant them access to my bank accounts or the place where I sleep.

I shudder to think of the bullet I dodged with my third ex-fiance. The only time we weren't fighting was when we were fucking. And it wasn't always clear when one left off and the other began. Money, politics, religion, art, what we were going to eat... whether the weather was actually nice. You name it and we fought about it. And I swear it wasn't me. It was... no matter what I said, she would weigh in on the counter, even when she'd literally just said almost exactly what I said.

Maybe I was spoiled for two and half decades being married to a woman more wonderful than I deserved. But, I held nothing back from her, nor did she from me. This is not to say that she did everything that popped into my febrile imagination with no questions asked. Nor did I just blindly do every single thing she came up with either. But, needs were met and enough wants without pushing the other's boundaries that we were happy right up to the day she died.

I've been back in the sandbox a bit since. And, yeah, I made some of the same old tired mistakes. Not sharing. Oversharing and pushing. And came to the same all but forgotten conclusion that led to a quarter century of joy.

Everybody has needs.
Everybody has wants.
Everybody has what they'd rather not.
Everybody had what they absolutely can't or won't.

When you're flying solo, stroking off to fantasies, nobody gives a shit. Your set is all that matters.
Knock your lights out.

When you are trying to make things work with someone else, their set and your set are both equally important. Ergo, you have the right to make your set known, but that doesn't mean that they have to knuckle under to your set if it violates theirs.

And I think it's a cardinal mistake that most relationships make that they can be wonderful friends, roommates, business partners, and co-parents who compromise fantastically everywhere else, but don't even consider approaching sex the same way and as equally important. Even overlooking when one's need falls within the other's "no way in Hell."

***shrug*** It's absolutely no skin off my nose what other people choose to do with their lives. But, I've had enough hard evidence come up and punch me in the nuts to know life is too damn short to live much of it miserable.

So, nope. I don't hide diddly squat from the person who thinks they might be interested in helping me meet my needs if I can meet theirs. But, I also take their needs, and in particular when they are diametrically opposed to my own, into account. Nor have I typically stuck around when it became obvious that my needs weren't going to be met. Far better to let them go find someone who can meet theirs and maybe I can meet someone who can keep up with mine than for us both to be mere shadows lurking in the corners of each other's lives just so we won't be alone in the darkness.

 

[fzfiend77]

Yes. I hate that I can't express my true self, but I love her too much not to spare her feelings. It's a dilemma.

 

[Crownvic]

I have one no-no..and she knows what it is....everything else no problem...

 

[_Delilah_]

Sort of….But not in the sense of a fetish necessarily. We were always open about those wishes I think.

I strayed from our relationship online and then I lied about it because I was afraid of what would happen. The reasons I strayed are insignificant but the effect it’s having is disastrous. I should have been up front with my feelings and then maybe none of this would be happening.

 

[Majorbedhead]

Sort of….But not in the sense of a fetish necessarily. We were always open about those wishes I think.

I strayed from our relationship online and then I lied about it because I was afraid of what would happen. The reasons I strayed are insignificant but the effect it’s having is disastrous. I should have been up front with my feelings and then maybe none of this would be happening.

nietzsche once rambled " A man's character can be measured with the amount of truth he can take" or something like that, I was usually high during those lectures. Anyway, if you know him of strong character then always take to him with both barrels before you lie. If of course, he crumples; let me know and I'll pick up where you left off.

Just putting it out there....

And before the haters get to it, this is the internet; there are no real feelings to get in the way of our truths..

Carry on

 

[_Delilah_]

I’m pretty simple. Much of that doesn’t make sense to me but I’m guessing it’s more of the same message thats been broadcast.

I understand. Some of these aren’t for you but more cathartic babbling from me. I’ll just start a journal.