Do you hide your sexual needs from your significant other?

[_Delilah_]

I’m pretty simple. Much of that doesn’t make sense to me but I’m guessing it’s more of the same message thats been broadcast.

I understand. Some of these aren’t for you but more cathartic babbling from me. I’ll just start a journal.

 

[Vitriolhack]

Yes. I hate that I can't express my true self, but I love her too much not to spare her feelings. It's a dilemma.

The intent of this thread was to have a safe zone where anyone can express their feelings.

We are not all perfect, blessed with having made the best decisions at every turn of our lives.

In the end we make the best with the choices we made that brought us here.

That is it!

 

[sterculius]

I did confess to my wife that as a teenager, I was my best friend Larry's personal cocksucker and that I used to give him blowjobs every day as soon as we returned home from school. This continued all through high school and only ended when he moved to California to attend Stanford U. What I didn't tell her is that I'm still a cocksucker and that I regularly meet with men to give them blowjobs. It pains me to have to deceive my wife, but I'm sure if she knew she would divorce me. I won't stop sucking cock. I love being a cocksucker!

 

[Vitriolhack]

I did confess to my wife that as a teenager, I was my best friend Larry's personal cocksucker and that I used to give him blowjobs every day as soon as we returned home from school. This continued all through high school and only ended when he moved to California to attend Stanford U. What I didn't tell her is that I'm still a cocksucker and that I regularly meet with men to give them blowjobs. It pains me to have to deceive my wife, but I'm sure if she knew she would divorce me. I won't stop sucking cock. I love being a cocksucker!

Do you think that maybe she suspects you are still a cock sucker?

 

[sterculius]

Do you think that maybe she suspects you are still a cock sucker?

I don't know for sure, but I think she might suspect. She has caught me more than once looking at gay blowjob porn on the computer.

 

[Vitriolhack]

I don't know for sure, but I think she might suspect. She has caught me more than once looking at gay blowjob porn on the computer.

What did she tell you about it? “Knock yourself out?” Or “let’s compare techniques?”

Ok, my fantasies may have gotten the best of me!

 

[sterculius]

What did she tell you about it? “Knock yourself out?” Or “let’s compare techniques?”

Ok, my fantasies may have gotten the best of me!

She just rolled her eyes while saying "Again??"

 

[IsItBad]

truth

I will admit that I have had more meaningful conversations on the lit chat with virtual strangers that with my wife.

Having tried to talk to her about it, I know how she would react and judge me.

I am not unhappy about the choices I have made, but, I am curious to know if others here in the same boat I am in?

well, the truth is that individuals have varying levels of libido and sexuality in general.....sometimes when partners are of fairly opposite extremes, it just creates a situation where it is nearly impossible to get the fulfillment one needs all from the partner. it is just the reality of people in general.

 

[Vitriolhack]

She just rolled her eyes while saying "Again??"

He did not know how to understand her last comment. Was it an invitation or was it a reference to their previous trials?

He opted instead to say, “well, honey, you know that, my only concern is to make you happy. What would make you happy these days?”

 

[Noor]

never

 

[IrisAlthea]

Everybody has needs.
Everybody has wants.
Everybody has what they'd rather not.
Everybody had what they absolutely can't or won't.

When you're flying solo, stroking off to fantasies, nobody gives a shit. Your set is all that matters.
Knock your lights out.

When you are trying to make things work with someone else, their set and your set are both equally important. Ergo, you have the right to make your set known, but that doesn't mean that they have to knuckle under to your set if it violates theirs.

And I think it's a cardinal mistake that most relationships make that they can be wonderful friends, roommates, business partners, and co-parents who compromise fantastically everywhere else, but don't even consider approaching sex the same way and as equally important. Even overlooking when one's need falls within the other's "no way in Hell."

Bullseye.

I guess we grow up seeing how others negotiate other stuff in life and relationships. The sexual and deeply intimate parts of the relationship are not as out in the open, so most of us learn by trial and error.

 

[MetalRabbit51]

In my last marriage of over twenty years I did keep some important sexual needs of mine from my wife. She understood the fact that I enjoy porn, for instance, but personal wants and desires of mine such as extramarital sharing or swapping.. I couldn't go there, couldn't even talk to her about these things. As we were getting more seriously involved, I thought I could manage the differences in this area. It worked, for a while. Soon there were other concerns to focus on, such as careers and raising a child. As time went on and our son grew up I found it more difficult to ignore the big differences we had regarding intimacy. She's a wonderful woman, just very strait-laced when it comes to sex. This was one of the factors that contributed to our breakup. There were other, equally important factors as well.
In my last relationship I was more outspoken about my needs and desires. So was my s/o. This helped us a lot, I think- one potential problem area that we managed to work out. Unfortunately jealousy did us in after three years. It's always something.

 

[hulmule]

Being in a sexless marriage , i express my need to my wife to have intercourse. But with menopause and pain my wife has NO interest in sex anymore. Plus she really doesnt care to please me in anyway or to help with my needs. Got in a fight ong ago and it was - Go take care of them... But to this day if i feel my wife;s skin my cock begins to grow. Shame i cant bring her back... I'm wasting away

 

[Fingerfuxs]

Nope , we are both are a open book to each other. Have been since we fell in lust and love long ago.

 

[Wifechangedhermind]

Being in a sexless marriage , i express my need to my wife to have intercourse. But with menopause and pain my wife has NO interest in sex anymore. Plus she really doesnt care to please me in anyway or to help with my needs. Got in a fight ong ago and it was - Go take care of them... But to this day if i feel my wife;s skin my cock begins to grow. Shame i cant bring her back... I'm wasting away

I'm very sorry to hear that. It has to be horrible.

 

[Goldenfinger]

Nope, she found them and introduced them to me.

 

[Wonderer67]

My wife was (and is) very liberated sexually, but a little more vanilla-ish.

Over the course of our twelve year marriage we’ve had discussions anbout sex and sexual desires and needs. Since I’m pretty much a pervert with very few sexual boundaries, I was worried that some of my desires were pushing the envelope for her.

But early on in our relationship we talked about pegging and she’s been giving it to me for many years!

Very slowly I started to bring up ideas and things that turned me on regarding other things about my male submissive side. First with orgasm control, then chastity. Then we started to delve slowly in to role reversal, starting with her often in female Superior or reverse cowgirl and me sharing my fantasy to be her fucktoy. She liked that idea… all orgasms for her, almost none for me and holding off orgasms for weeks makes me super horny and very loving, which she loves.

Now it’s a bit of cross dressing and my fantasy to be with a man or trans woman. That part she doesn’t love. She’s ok with the idea of it, but not IRL. I’d also Like to try swapping or any type of group sex, but she’s 100% monogamous and not into it.

 

[Vitriolhack]

My wife was (and is) very liberated sexually, but a little more vanilla-ish.

Over the course of our twelve year marriage we’ve had discussions anbout sex and sexual desires and needs. Since I’m pretty much a pervert with very few sexual boundaries, I was worried that some of my desires were pushing the envelope for her.

But early on in our relationship we talked about pegging and she’s been giving it to me for many years!

Very slowly I started to bring up ideas and things that turned me on regarding other things about my male submissive side. First with orgasm control, then chastity. Then we started to delve slowly in to role reversal, starting with her often in female Superior or reverse cowgirl and me sharing my fantasy to be her fucktoy. She liked that idea… all orgasms for her, almost none for me and holding off orgasms for weeks makes me super horny and very loving, which she loves.

Now it’s a bit of cross dressing and my fantasy to be with a man or trans woman. That part she doesn’t love. She’s ok with the idea of it, but not IRL. I’d also Like to try swapping or any type of group sex, but she’s 100% monogamous and not into it.

Well, you need to respect her limits and hopefully you are ok with them.

But, you have to admit, she is a hell of a trooper abs seems to have indulge in your desires. Have you been as open with her needs?

 

[DCO_65]

Yes. And when at restaurants I make the waiter or waitress guess what I want to order because lack of communicating ones needs and desires is a 100% effective way of getting them met.

 

[pfflyerhot]

Nope.—...So, nope. I don't hide diddly squat from the person who thinks they might be interested in helping me meet my needs if I can meet theirs. But, I also take their needs, and in particular when they are diametrically opposed to my own, into account. Nor have I typically stuck around when it became obvious that my needs weren't going to be met. Far better to let them go find someone who can meet theirs and maybe I can meet someone who can keep up with mine than for us both to be mere shadows lurking in the corners of each other's lives just so we won't be alone in the darkness.

I like this concept the best. Something to strive for, anyway, as I'm currently partner-less. Nice approach, Acktion.

 

[PaxNurgle]

I have kinda had to. The last woman I dated seemed to be totally frigid sexually. She was really pretty and sweet, but she was just not a sexual being. That's fine; if she's not into it then that's how she is and I guess there is nothing wrong with that- unless I were to try to force her to do something she is not comfortable doing- which would be horribly wrong. And I've dated more than one person like this. And keep in mind I'm talking about vanilla sex, nothing kinky at all (which most women, even sexually uninhibited ones, are not into.)

 

[Saintdragonslayer]

To suppress desires and needs is one thing. What if your partner let you think that they were on board with your kinks and then, told you at a later date that they weren't?

When I first met my wife she was totally vanilla. I was a little more experienced and began to gently coax her into opening up. My range of kinks at that point was still relatively small. Dirty talk. Porn. Dressing up. Toys (Nothing too threatening).

It appeared that she was getting into it all. I would buy her lots of lingerie (Some classy, some trashy) and she looked like she loved my reaction to seeing her wearing it. Before we were married, we would visit hotels and she seemed happy to wear a french maid uniform, or some other sexy outfit.

While there were still many things that she wouldn't do, I was never shy about telling her about all of my dirty thoughts, and thought myself a lucky guy that she would entertain some of them.

Fast forward a few years and things came almost to a grinding halt, as soon as she tasted our wedding cake. Lingerie and stockings were worn only on request, and I sensed, grudgingly. Dirty talk became one sided. Sex was reserved for a Friday night as she was always so tired...

I was determined for us not to give up and had many a discussion with her on the subject, without throwing accusations at her. I told her that this wonderful gift could be so much better, for both of us, not just me. I never seemed to reach her though and gradually began to find out what her real thoughts and motives were.

A classic example was her sudden aversion to having her breasts touched. Throughout six years of courtship she had allowed me to kiss, lick, suck and gently squeeze them to my hearts content. Now that we were married she would just make a face, squirm and pull my head away from them after a few seconds, complaining that they were too sensitive. I wasn't manhandling her, just softly kissing or licking, but suddenly, this was too much. She then told me that she had never liked having them touched. WTF!

Sex became like a bargaining tool, or even a weapon, like the time I decided to grow a beard. Nothing crazy, just a short goatee style, like every second guy was sporting, back then. When she realised, after a few days that I was growing it out, she flat out ordered me to shave it off. I was getting severely sick of her shit by this time and told her it was staying, at least for a while. What followed was six weeks of no sex. She seemed shocked that I didn't come grovelling for it and then relented, changing her mind and saying that she now kinda liked it. The beard stayed for another five years.

Our playtimes were still infrequent and I eventually had to tell her that despite my love for her, things had to change. I was self employed and earning well. Enough to buy a much larger home, go two foreign holidays each year and get her a brand new car,every three years. She worked too, but I was shouldering a much larger proportion of the household bills and was working long hours to help provide this life for us.

We managed to come to an agreement, to put aside some time, a couple of times a week that was just for us. For a couple of years, things became better and she would indulge some of my more "out there" stuff. We explored some (light) BDSM, with her seemingly happy enough to wear a collar and submit to a light spanking. I tried to encourage her to tell me what she desired, but she would just shake her head and say nothing.

I began to realise that no matter what I did, I just couldn't please this woman and our couple of nights a week playtime was her just simply throwing me a bone, to keep me content and continue to work hard and pay the bills.

This couldn't last and it began to eat me up inside. I even caught her giving me a look, a couple of times, of contempt/hatred as she was sucking my cock. It doesn't take long for something like that to start fucking with your head...

Things came to a head just recently and she told me that she was finished with sex. I tried to remain calm and told her that I didn't want to lose her and would try anything. Nothing would convince her. When I asked her to be honest with me, she admitted to never really enjoying sex, but knew it was a price to be paid to keep a man on her arm.

So now the house is sold, I have moved out and, although devastated at first, I am now relieved that this has happened while I am still young enough to build another life for myself. I know now the pain of being lied to for years and will be careful not to let someone manipulate me in this fashion again. I am looking out of the window right now and the sun is shining! That's rare for this time of year, in Scotland...

 

[RoperTrace]

. .

 

[melodymkr4u]

Oh hell no! He knows it ALL....well, most of it. Haha!!

I will say though, he has a few kinks that he thinks I don't know about, but I do. ;-)

 

[Vitriolhack]

It’s never easy to wake up one day and realize that, “this is not what I signed up for,”

Finding the courage to change and fight through the complications can require Herculean efforts. Sometimes it’s better just to find palliative care like read stories on lit and chat with like minded people here.